"We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it's like chasing clouds." ― Libba Bray

Waiting is the worst feeling ever. I paced back and forth across the living room, hands involuntarily slides insides my pockets as I waited for Victoria. I'm not leaving tonight until I cleared her everything.

My finger occasionally brushes my hair in frustrations as I stop and stared at the door like a fool, hoping that she will come out soon. I wish as I stared hard at it, it will somehow burn and I saw everything going on inside her room.

Minutes passed and it feels like years. My heart gets heavier by the second. I decided to knock. I made my way to her door and from where I stood, I heard incoherent words, weeping sounds which I believe was her, and my heart gets heavier as I hear it. I knock twice and waited, but I hear no footsteps coming towards the door.

It's now or never!

I twisted the knob and I was glad it wasn't locked. I opened it and my eyes searched for her instinctively. My heart felt like it was ripped apart again when I saw her on the floor, vulnerable. Frankie was holding her closely to her as she cried hard.

I can't blame her.

I felt the tears blinding my eyes as I stared at her, sobbing. I felt like my oxygen is slowly leaving my chest as I stared hard at her. If I could only take all the pain, I will. I hate to see her like that, and it's because of me.

Her body was shaking uncontrollably as she cried her heart out. The tears of pain, anger, and hurt, all negative emotions, kept coming incessantly from her beautiful eyes, and it pained me. It damned pained me more than death.

And the last words hit me like a hammer. "I LOST HIM! I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT, I lost my baby," she screamed in pain, between tears.

"You were pregnant?" I spewed out in shocked. No, shocked is an understatement. My heart plummeted into a deep abyss and then I was lost. Shattering the hope, warmth, and confidence from within me, and quickly the feeling of security diminishes - wherein, shame and guilt filled in their absence.

She looks at me, her eyes devoid of positive emotions. I can't even stare at it, the pain in my chest is excruciating. My heart felt the rawest emotion as I stared at her lifeless orbs, she looks so lost. The spirit has left it, there's nothing but hurt, pain, sadness, brokenness, and despondency. She was so vulnerable and I couldn't bear seeing her like that. My heart is breaking apart, over and over.

I felt ashamed of myself. She lost our baby and yet I thought the worst of her. I accused her of every worst possible thought.

I quickly stormed off, feeling the guilt heavier this time in my chest, consuming me. I want to beat myself out. All the while, she was hurting, and I was supposed to be there for her but I was fucking with Cassie.

Fucking damnation!

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I screamed in my head as I headed straight to my room. I screamed my lungs out as soon as I entered my room. Tears fogging my vision. I kick, threw everything that I could grab against the wall, venting out my anger, guilt most specifically, nagging me the moment I heard her.

I couldn't imagine the pain she went through. I was supposed there to sooth her, murmuring comforting words as she goes to bed, not fucking murmuring words to cajole Cassie to go through chemotherapy. I should be there, holding her when she was sad, hurt, not fucking holding Cassie as she goes through cancer. I should be there for her all this time, but I chose to ignore her because I thought, she was selfish. I fucking thought, Cassie needs me more than she does.

Arghh.... I screamed and threw the vase I grab from the table on the corner close to my door. I hear the crashing sound of the glass as soon as it connected the floor, the glass broke into tiny pieces, the same way my heart broke when I heard and saw her spiritless eyes.

"You know what's the worst a mother could experience? Is losing their baby."

Mom's words rang in my head. It was mother's day. She told us that she almost lost Kristos. I remember how her eyes lost it's spirit as she relays it and I saw that today in Vicky's eyes, hers were intense, cutting deep inside of me leaving me in a the dark deep abyss. Until now, when mom remembers it, she always ends up crying. The memory never left her, and she never recovered, yet she still has Kristos. But my Vicky, she lost our child. She lost it and now, she will carry the pain forever and thinking about it, makes me want to kill myself over and over.

Our child. Our child suffered for my irresponsibilities, for my selfishness.

Screw you, Xandrous. Screw you to death!

The pain is indescribable. I felt betrayed, but guilt digs in deeper. I wanted to die this moment, to avoid this raw pain consuming my whole being. God, I want to wipe off that pain in her eyes, bring back the glow in those orbs, but I don't know how to do it? Nothing is enough to make her forget her traumatic past. Nothing could erase it, and it damned destroying me right now.

My Vicky, she will always be scarred. She will always blame me for losing our child or even not. I will always hold the guilt, ever.

I don't deserve her. I don't don't deserve her love. After I fucked up many times, she was right. She did fight for me, but I unconsciously rejected her chasing her away, by staying on Cassie's side. She gave me up everything, but it wasn't enough for me.

I was selfish.

I dropped my exhausted body on the floor, tears had dried up on my cheeks. I wanted to cry the pain out, but it seems my tear ducts were drained out and so were my emotions.

I feel numb.

..................

"Come on, get up, Vi." Frankie help me up on my feet and I just let her. I have no energy to argue. I felt like I lost my voice after he stormed off and my head just suddenly shuts off.

It hurts to breath, and I felt like it took all my energy to keep breathing. "Xandrous," I softly murmured. My heart clenched tightly that it felt so painful to breathe. He must have hated me now after knowing we had a child.

I didn't know. I didn't know I was pregnant. If I didn't have an accident, I wouldn't even find out.

"Vi, you need to take a rest," Franki's soft voice were soothing, but it didn't help at all. My heart still feels raw.

She helps me back on my bed and I crawled inside my bed cover. She tucked me in and then perched on the edge beside me, her back against the headboard. I was curled on my side, my back facing her.

"I'm sorry about your loss," she murmured softly, sounding weary.

I felt the tears starting to well up in my eyes. "It must be very traumatic for you. I can't imagine," Frankie kept talking in a low tone. "I'm sure, Xandrous is hurting right now, too. I'm sorry," she said softly.

I felt her fingers gently brushing my hair and it reminds me of my mother. The way she brushes my hair so gently it felt a little soothing. I miss mom. I wish she's here. My sister. How is she? I've been very bad to her. I wish they were here. I missed them.

Silence took over. Frankie just kept on brushing my hair and I'm starting to relax a little, though Xandrous' hurt face still reeling in my head.

"Do you think he will hate me?" I unconsciously asked, breaking the dead air.

"I don't think he hates you after hearing it. And if ever he did, he has no right," Frankie carefully explained and I fell into silence once more. I'm still scared to face him. I don't know what to expect.

"I thought love is easy. Growing up with my mom and dad were very much in love, I thought it would be easy." I paused and let the dead air fills in. I sighed. "It is easy to love someone, but it takes a great deal to get the loved back. My brother is right. Love is an illusion made up by some stupid such as me," I sighed bitterly.

"Vi, love truly existed. Without it, you wouldn't be suffering by now. You wouldn't feel the pain. Pain, hurt, is inevitable when you love. And you are wrong when you think he doesn't love you back. Don't let your ego blocks your heart. I'm sorry to say it again, you should talk to him. Clear everything you two misunderstood. Communication is the real key to a relationship." She stops brushing my hair and I felt her eyes lingered on me. I turned on my back and met her eyes. "Did you really fight for him?" she asked, cocking her eyebrow. "Since you open up today, all I heard was whining Victoria. I heard a lot of things about you. How you bullied those bullies and fought for those who cannot fight for themselves back in University." Frankie's eyes held pride a she stares at me. I didn't know she knows a lot about me.

"That's not true!" I denied, but she shook her head.

"Vi, I know a lot of things about you, but whining Victoria? I was surprised."

I didn't like her tone, it irritates me to no end, but it made me reevaluate the past. Did I really fight for him?

No. You were whining a lot! My head snap.

Yes, all I did was whining. I didn't actually fight for him. I whined and bitch out to get his attention, but not really doing things to win him. I was doing the other way around.

I involuntarily got up and sat beside her. "I gave her my virginity because I thought that's the reason why he stayed with Cassie. I thought it was the thing that he can't get from me, that's why he dump me for her. Isn't that considered fighting for him? I gave up the last card, my virginity," I asked, my throat feels so dry and sore.

"And then what happened? Did he break up with you again after?" Frankie asked.

"No," I said, looking down at my hands that were sitting on my lap, "but I saw them again on TV. They both attended the charity event and they look happy together." I couldn't contain to snort softly.

"Did you talk to him after that?"

"No. I didn't talk to him anymore after that, and he never called me either. Then I had the accident. I slip on the floor just when I was about to have a shower and I bleed." My eyes starting to fog up. "When I woke up in the hospital, I-I ..." I choked. I felt like a bile rise up to my throat and I felt suddenly lightheaded. I squeeze my eyes shut to hold the pain starting to settle in my heart, numbing me. "I-I f-found out I had ... a miscarriage," I finally said the last words. It was so hard to say it casually. Every time it comes out of my mouth, it felt like my heart went into it, leaving a hole in my chest. I'm sure, it will never be a casual topic. It will never be.

My tears starting to escape from my eyes, down to my cheeks once more. "Then he should know what happened. I'm sure he will beat himself out after knowing what really happened," Frankie finally spoke. She was looking at me intently. I could mirror the genuine concern in her eyes. I'm so glad I met her.

"You sounded like you've been there and done that?" I asked her as I look at her, smiling bitterly.

She chuckled. "Honestly, I've never been in love or found one. Those who hasn't experienced love yet are the true love gurus. I guess because they are completely rational. Love hasn't consumed their sanity," she chuckled merrily. My eyebrows pressed tightly as I frowned at her. She sounds so sure and convincing when she gave me those pieces of advice.

I didn't say a word as I stared at her with a confounded look.

"Don't stare at me like that. Come on, collect yourself and think about what I said. I don't want you to regret later on," Frankie patted me on my lap before rising up to her feet out of the bed.

"I don't think I could face him after this. I don't have the energy to deal with him, just yet. I feel depleted. I need some time to think, to know what I really want now," I said softly as I stared at her.

She nodded her head. "He's leaving tonight. He came to clear things with you. He even swore to God," holding up both index and middle digit, she then curled quoting Xandrous' words. I swear to God, Frankie, that baby is not mine. I'm positive. I never bed her, we never had sex!" she relayed even trying to sound deep and rich like Xandrous' words. "Just so you know," Frankie said casually, her shoulders rise and fall as she shrugs. "I'll leave you then. I don't think you're up for an exercise. I'll go alone. Take a rest then, I'll see you later." With that, she turns on her back and left my room.

....................................

Hours passed, my belly growled, but I don't want to move. After hours of pacifying myself which was a failure, I ended up in the living room drinking beer. Now lying on my back, my head feels heavy and empty.

My phone rang again for the umpteenth times. I remember mom, and I told her to call her back. I've been mopping here on the couch after five bottles of beers. I forcefully carried my body out of the couch and reach for my phone in my pocket as I made my way to my room.

I will pack all my clothes and leave soon. Mom needs me now.

I connected the call without checking who's the caller thinking it was my mother.

"Xandrous, it's Ben," the caller started. I push my door open and walk in.

"Yes, is everything under control?" I asked.

"Well, yes. We are actually ahead of schedule. I heard about your dad. We need new materials and we need approval. I don't know if your dad is able to do it soon?" Ben said.

"I'm flying back tonight. I'll see you as soon as got there," I responded shortly.

"I'll wait for you then. For now, I'll talk to the manager of the company where the materials are coming from,"

"Alright. See you soon!" then I hang up.

I quickly pack my clothes that I brought here with me in my small luggage. After I'm done packing up, I decided to have a shower, maybe eat first before heading to the tarmac where my dad's private plane was waiting.

....

After my dinner at the diner next to our building, I called mom as I head back to my apartment.

"Are you leaving soon?" mom inquired as soon as she connects the call.

"Yes," I agreed.

"How is Vicky?" mom asked. I've talked to her once since I arrived here and she never asked about her or us. Honestly, they expect much from me and telling them that my only hopes just shattered because of the news Cassie brought, I held my tongue.

"She's doing fine, mom. She's busy," I lied.

"Oh, is she?" mom was so fond of her and it breaks me to lie to her. She never likes Cassie and she likes everyone just as one of the singers says.

"Yes," I replied, almost a groan. "How's dad?" I asked, dropping the topic.

"He's recovering. He was now complaining since the doctor gave him the list of diet he has to follow, and not only that. He wants to go back to work,"

"Alright. I'll see you soon then, mom. Tell dad to take a rest, I'll take over," I said.

I heard a sigh from mom. "I love you, son," mom lovingly said. I love her but saying the word back felt so awkward to me. Before I could say anything, the line went dead.

"Just when the elevator stops at my floor and slides open. I quickly made my way to my door. As soon as I planted myself in front of the door, I fished out the keys from my pocket and was about to stick it into the keyhole when the door next to me opened, revealing Vicky who also looks startled or surprised.

My heart then speeds up and I don't know what to say. I felt like I just swallowed my tongue and I'm hyperventilating.

Unlocking the door just then vanished into thin air. Everything around us seems to blur as our eyes met. None of us wants to break the silence. We stared at each other a good minute or two, taking in her presence.

Then, "Hi/Hi," we said in unison. She chuckled and the heaviness of my heart suddenly decreases.

She blinks then gulped before she spoke again. "Can we talk?" she asked in a very soft voice, her swollen eyes filled with mixed emotions.

..............

A/N: I'm so sleepy after twelve hours shift today. I hope I didn't miss anything here. I could barely keep my eyelids open now. Please let me know if there are names being mixed up, he/she ... I apologize.

Thank you for the constant support!