"Hunter, nagluto ako do you want to eat now?" I heard my nurse's voice outside my room. Ngunit hindi ko siya binigyan ng sagot.

I was staring blankly at nowhere. Unti-unti nang nawawala ang araw. Ang kulay kahel na kalangitan ay nagsisimula nang dumilim.

It was like the sun was now saying goodbye to me, just like Dimaria.

I just let go of her and I know that was the best decision I have ever made in my whole life. Letting go of the woman I wanted to spend my life with. Hindi man siya ang una, pero siya... At siya lang ang kahuli-hulihang babaeng, nanaisin kong makasama hanggang sa dulo ng buhay ko.

Noong mabulag ako, ang dami kong napagtanto. Kung gaano ka-importante ang lahat ng bagay. Kung gaano kaimportante ang makakita, ang makapagsalita, ang makarinig, maging masaya at mabuti. Hindi ako ganoon noon. I don't usually give value to life, to the senses, and to happiness, even to love. Why? What for? I lost everything. My first love, my first child, followed by Dimaria and our child.

I lost too much. Siguro ganoon talaga kapag masyadong naging pabaya. I can't help but blame myself. It's all my fault at hindi ko na alam kung paano pa makakabawi. Ang nakikita ko na lang, ay tuluyan nang palayain si Dim, so she won't experience it again.

"Hunter?"

"Wala akong gana, kakain ako kung kailan ko gusto." sabi ko sa mababa at malamig na tono, nang sandaling marinig ko ang boses niya sa likuran ko.

"Sige na Hunter, kahit konti lang." nilingon ko siya at nakita ko ang lungkot sa mukha niya.

I sighed and nodded my head. Ibinilin sa akin ni Zyc na maging mabait sa kaniya. Kahit kaya ko naman na at ayoko siya rito.

"Thank you Hunter!" mayamaya ay sabi niya ng nasa hapag-kainan na kami. Hindi ko siya pinansin at nagsimula na lang kumain.

"Mahal na mahal mo siya, bakit pinakawalan mo?"

"You don't have to know." Napansin kong nakatitig siya sa akin kaya mas lalong nawalan ako ng gana. Ilang subo lang ata ay tumayo na ako at iniwan siya roon.

Ang kulit niya rin kasi at minsan ay naririndi na ako sa kaka "Hunter" niya.

Days passed. I am living a life that isn't desirable anymore. I heard she is already married to Tremor David. I squeezed my eyes. I have a load of work. A pile of documents is on my table. But I was a bit distracted for five days after I heard that news. I laughed bitterly.

Mariin kong kinuha ang phone ko at tiningnan ang picture na sinend sa akin ni Heather from messenger. It happened that she knew Tremor, and she was invited to their wedding. She sent me the picture of Dimaria and Tremor exchanging vows, and I can't help but remember when we got married... We aren't like that, and that is one of the biggest regrets I have.

Best wishes

A lone tear escaped my eyes as I let go of my phone and tried to focus again. I massaged the back of my neck after that, and took off my coat. Balak ko nang umuwi kahit napakarami pang trabaho. I just want to sleep.

Pagkauwi ay sinalubong ako agad ng masiglang Chrishane. Mukhang kagagaling niya lang sa kusina.

"Hi, nagugutom ka ba? Kain ka na muna." I was a bit stunned when she helped me take off my coat, kinuha niya rin ang suitcase na dala ko at tinulungan din ako na tanggalin ang neck tie ko. I was just watching her, staring at her face before shaking my head.

This woman. Kailan ba niya balak umalis, okay na rin naman ako.

"Tomorrow, you can leave. Tapos na trabaho mo, hindi mo na kailangan pang manatili rito. I will tell Zyc to transfer your salary to your account." I was unbuttoning my sleeve after saying that. Natulala siya sa akin at kita ko 'yon mula sa gilid ng mga mata ko. Hindi ko siya pinansin at kaagad na siyang tinalikuran.

Hindi lingid sa kaalaman ko na may nararamdaman siya sa akin. I can feel and see it. Hindi ko lang tinatanggap at binibigyan ng pansin. She don't deserve me. I already have someone in my heart and I cannot reciprocate her feelings. Kung minsan nagigising ako sa kalagitnaan ng pagtulog sa pakiramdam na may humahaplos sa mukha ko, and I knew it's her.

Minsan nahuhuli ko siyang nakatulala lang sa akin. Hindi ako manhid para hindi malamang gusto niya ako. Pero hindi ko matatanggap 'yon. Kaya mas mabuti pang iwan na niya ako rito. She has to meet someone who can love her. And it's not me.

Nanatili ako sa home office ko to check some documents bago matulog.

Nakarinig ako ng marahang katok. Hindi ko na ito nilingon dahil alam ko na rin naman kung sino and I just let her in. Naupo ito sa visitor's chair. Sumulyap ako sa kaniya at nahuli ko siyang nakatitig sa akin habang malungkot na nakangiti.

"Uuwi na ako bukas." Panimula niya.

"Sa totoo lang, nagustuhan ko na talaga rito... At ang pagsilbihan ko. Na e-enjoy ko kasi. Saka gustong gusto ko rin na naipagluluto kita." hindi ko siya pinapansin pero nakikinig ako.

"Gusto ko sana bago ako umalis, makapagpasalamat ako sa 'yo. At masabi kong, sana... Dumating ang panahon na maging okay ka na. You really love her. I know at alam ko hanggang ngayon s'ya pa rin. But I hope someday, you finally get over her and start a new life. Hindi ko man ramdam kung gaano kasakit para sa 'yo, alam ko sapat ang sakit na 'yon para pilitin mong maging okay bawat umaga sa paggising mo."

Napahinto ako, pero hindi pa rin ako nag-aangat ng tingin sa kaniya.

"Thank you for letting me stay here, kahit na ang sungit-sungit mo. Huwag mo nang pababayaan ang sarili mo ah? Kumain ka sa tamang oras at huwag mong aabusuhin ang mga mata mo. Sleep early too, and don't work too much. " Tumayo na ito at bahagyang yumuko sa harapan ko.

"Mamimiss kita, Hunter."

After that, she turned her back to walk out.

Saka lang ako nag-angat ng tingin at pinanood siyang umalis sa home-office ko. I shook my head after at muli nang ibinaling ang attention sa ginagawa.

The next few days were tiring. Madalas akong ayain ni Jock at Zyc to hang out, pero pinipili kong bahay at opisina lang ang puntahan.

It was a rainy afternoon when an unexpected visitor came into my house. It was too odd to have a complete stranger in front of my gate.

He's old. Suddenly, I remembered my dad. Hindi na nga pala ako nakakabisita sa kanila.

Umuulan pero nakatayo siya roon. Habang may hawak na puting payong. 'Di kalayuan ay ang kotse niya.

"Good afternoon?" I greeted, with my uncertain voice, trying to remember if I knew him. Baka nakalimutan ko lang.

"It's good that you're already here, Mr. Martinez. I'm pleased to meet you in person. I'm Joe David, by the way. Shane's father." Nagulat ako sa nalaman. Dad ni Shane? Bakit nandito s'ya?

"Uh, yeah. Let's go inside first." I opened the gate and let him in. Hinubad ko agad ang coat at pinatuloy siya sa salas bago ako gumawa ng kape para sa aming dalawa.

"Thank you, Hijo." ngumiti ito sa akin matapos kong ilapag ang tasa ng kape sa harapan niya.

"I heard a lot about you from my daughter... I've known you before. Pero wala rin ako masyadong naririnig, dahil nanatili ako sa ibang bansa sa loob ng maraming taon." Tumango ako.

"Si Shane, bata pa lang... Marami na 'yang bagay na gustong gawin pero hindi n'ya magawa. Lumaki 'yan sa hospital. At doon din siya nag-aaral." nagulat ako sa narinig at halos hindi ko na naituloy ang paghigop sa kape. Naibaba ko ang tasa at napaangat ang tingin sa kaniya. He was staring the at the coffee.

"She was too young when she was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy. We tried so hard to keep her alive for too long, kahit na ang pagbawalan siya sa lahat ng bagay na hindi makakabuti sa kaniya ay ginawa na namin, not until she cried in front of us wanting to study college... Gusto niya raw maging doctor. I can't risk her life for her dream. Kaya naman namin siyang buhayin kahit hindi siya magtrabaho. We can all provide for her needs, manatili lang siyang buhay at kasama namin. Hindi sa kaniya pwede ang normal na buhay... She can't do lots of work, and as we all know, ang pagiging doctor ang isa sa mahirap at nakakapagod na trabaho. But to see her lifeless, kahit buhay pa siya, to see her sad and crying at times, to see her empty and dull eyes. To see her dying inside while living... Pikit-mata kong pinayagan ang kagustuhan niya."

Pinalis niya ang kumawalang luha bago humigop sa kape.

"All my life, after my wife gave birth to her. Ang gusto ko lang maibigay ko lahat ng gusto ng anak ko, kahit imposible. Kasi sa gano'ng paraan ko lang siya napapasaya at napaparamdam na okay lang siya, na walang mali sa kaniya, na walang threat sa buhay n'ya."

I didn't know. Hindi ko nahalata kay Shane.

"Wala na kaming alam, kung kailan siya sa amin mawawala... Pwedeng bukas? Sa makalawa? And I am afraid... I am afraid that she left us first. She left too early... when everyone's not ready. At bago man lang iyon mangyari, I want her happy... Gusto ko kapag umalis siya, she's contented at natupad na lahat ng pangarap niya." Nag-angat na siya ng tingin sa akin at tumayo.

Nagulat ako ng unti-unti siyang lumuhod sa harapan ko. Holding my arm too tight.

"M-Mr. David... "

"Shane loves you. Ikaw lang ang lalaking nagustuhan at minahal niya sa buong buhay niya. Lahat gagawin ko... Para lang pumayag ka... Please hijo.. Help us... Help me... Tulungan mo kaming tuparin ang huling hiling ng anak ko."

I was so shocked. Hindi ako makakibo. He was crying hard, and it pained me. For a father, you can see how much he loves his daughter.

"Please hijo, marry her. Tatanawin kong malaking utang na loob 'to. And when you need our help sa kahit saan o anong paraan, hindi kami magdadalawang isip na tulungan ka. Just please help us. Mahal ka ng anak ko. She wants a family at alam namin, hindi man niya sabihin, gusto niyang maranasan iyon sa 'yo."

No, I can't... d-do that.

Gulat pa rin ako at pilit pinoproseso ang mga narinig.

Kahit na mapapasaya noon si Shane, magiging unfair lang ako sa kaniya. Sa aming dalawa siya lang ang magmamahal. She's dying. Hindi ko naman pwedeng dayain ang isang taong mawawala na. This is too hard. I can't decide.

But to see her father so excited to see her see him beg. I can't say no.

Damn.

Pikit-mata kong tinap ang balikat niya.

"Sige po, I will marry her. Tutuparin ko ang pangarap niya. " unti-unti siyang nag-angat sa akin ng tingin, and I saw new set of fresh tears escape his eyes.

"Thank you! Thank you so much, hijo! I owe you this. Thank you." he cried.

For the first year of our marriage, Shane did nothing but be a good wife to me. I was there when kapag inaatake siya, I was there when she finally became a doctor. Hatid sundo ko siya sa hospital kung saan siya naka duty. After marriage, I got her pregnant to fulfill her wish to bear a child. Kung mas maaga man, ay hindi na importante. Sa loob ng limang taon, I did nothing but to make her feel loved and to take care of her and our daughter. I tried my best to love her and yes, I did.

Hindi mahirap mahalin si Shane. She's too good for me, she's too positive in life. She gave everything to me. She took care of me. She stayed with me. Kahit minsan tinatanong niya ako tungkol kay Dimaria.

Aaminin ko, hindi naman nawala si Dimaria... She's still here. I will always love her. Always.

Noong makita ko siya ulit, I thought I was just dreaming... But to hear she's pregnant... My whole world shattered.

Wala na talaga. Hindi na ako. Wala na kaming pag-asa. But then, this is what I want right?

Kaya ko s'ya pinakawalan.

"Hunt?" Nilingon ko si Shane. She's pale. She's lost weight and she's getting weaker.

"Hnm?"

"I really love Dimaria's personality." Nakangiti niyang sabi. It's been three days, after n'ya pumunta sa bahay ni Dim. Ewan ko ba kung bakit gustong-gusto niya maging kaibigan si Dim. It's weird. Alam ko isa oa sa gusto niya ay ang magkaroon ng kaibigan... Pero bakit si Dimaria pa... She knows her. Alam niyang dati ko itong asawa, noon pa man.

"Napanaginipan ko si Tremor kagabi." She smiled while staring out the window. Pumapasok doon ang sinag ng araw at tumatama sa maputla niyang mukha. Nakaupo na siya ngayon sa couch na pinasadya niyang ilagay doon kasi gustong-gusto niya ang view.

Tremor. He died months ago. Ginulat noon ang lahat, kahit ako ay hindi ko inaasahan. It was an accident. I saw how Dimaria cried and mourned. And I silently cried too. To see her like that, she really loves him that much. Kapag ako kaya nawala? Ganoon din ba siya? Iiyak din ba siya ng ganoon?

I don't want to see her cry, but I can't help but feel insecure and jealous.

"Anong napanaginipan ko about sa kaniya?"

"He's reaching out his hand, asking me to accept it. And when I did... Nahanap namin ang sarili naming nakatingin sa inyong dalawa ni Dimmy." She smiled.

"It's weird, hindi ko maintindihan... But the smile on Tremor's face, habang pinagmamasdan namin kayo... It was full of happiness and contentment. He wasn't speaking though, But his expression says it all."

"Maybe he just misses his wife." Hindi agad s'ya sumagot at mas lalong ngumiti.

"No, I think I know what that expression means." She smiled as she looked at me.

"He wants her to move on and be happy again."

Natigilan ako.

"Kapag nawala na ako, iyon din ang gusto ko para sa 'yo. I want you to be happy again. I want you to free yourself and love the people you want freely."

"Shane."

"Mangako ka sa akin, aalagaan mo si Dimaria at ang anak natin."

"Shane... Stop..."

"Please, mangako ka. I want you to marry her, again. Bumalik ka sa kaniya..."

"Ano bang sinasabi mo?"

"I just want you to go back to the woman who really owns you and whom you really love."

"I do love you." Ngumiti siya.

"Alam ko, and thank you for that."

Hindi na ako sumagot. After that, unti-unti na talaga siyang nanghina hanggang sa tanging paghiga na lang ang kaya niya.

I was so frustrated that I didn't know what to do. I know she's dying... Ilang buwan kong pinaghandaan iyon at unti-unting tinatanggap.

Hindi na tumatalab sa kaniya ang kahit anong klase ng medication.

Pero kahit ganoon, sa huli... Natutunan ko rin na tanggapin. Dahil una pa lang alam ko na na ito ang kahahantungan.

"Rest in paradise, Shane. Thank you for the love. Thank you for giving me Harshley... Pangako, aalagaan ko ang anak natin." I wiped away my tears as I saw Dimaria staring at me.

She held my hand and gave me a comforting smile.

"You accomplished a great mission in your life, Hunter. I am so proud of you and what you have become. You changed a lot. You became the man I wished you were."

With her smile, I found the missing piece. I found my peace I once lost... I found a home... Isang tahanan na kahit iwan ko ng mahabang panahon... Natatangi pa rin na pwede kong balikan.