At some point, darkness makes people vulnerable. Our visual sense vanishes inside it, and we have no idea who or what is around us. We rely on our vision to guide and protect us. However, as I grew older and experienced a traumatic event, darkness became my safe haven.

Nobody will pay attention to me. Nobody will know who I am. Nobody will ever know I was there. In any case, it has worked out in my favour. It's reassuring. It has become a witness to my fear, anguish, tears, and loneliness.

I didn't know...I wasn't warned... that I'd be drawn into the darkness... by some incident... that would turn me against it.

I gasp in air. Pakiramdam ko ilang oras akong hindi nakahinga. Unti-unti kong iminulat ang mata ko and all I could hear was the sounds of familiar voices and the sounds of holter monitor.

"Dimmy!"

"Dimaria... thank God!"

"Divecca? K-Kumusta nararamdaman mo?"

"Fern! Tumawag ka ng Doctor bilis!" nagkakagulo ang lahat. Umiikot sa pandinig ko ang mga boses.

Bukas ang mga mata ko... malinaw ang pandinig ko pero... pero b-bakit gano'n?

B-Bakit...

"B-Bakit w-wala akong makita?" kasabay ng pagtanong ko noon ay ang panginginig ng boses ko pati na rin ang pagkawala ng mga luha ko.

Everyone fell silent.

"Shit!" I heard Damon's voice after seconds of silence. Walang sumagot sa tanong and I started to panic.

"Shhh, calm down, Dimmy. The doctor is coming... I'm just here... hmm?" Damon tries to calm me, but I am still horrified. Kung ano-ano nang pumapasok sa isip ko.

"D-Damon, I can't see... I don't want this... what's happening... w-why can't I... " My voice cracked, my body trembled, my tears were shed, my heart shattered. Kinakapa ko siya at mariing napakapit sa braso niya sa takot.

Akala ko, naranasan ko na ang matinding takot noon, but now... I realized this was the most terrifying one. I've never been frightened like this before... hindi ako kailanman natakot sa dilim... not until my vision was left out and everything fell darker, dark enough that I couldn't see even just a small tint of light.

"Shhh, I'm here... we'll do everything for you to be able to see again..."

I cried like a kid while he chose to hug me so tight. Takot na takot akong yumakap sa kaniya at halos magusot ko na ang damit niya sa takot pero wala naman siyang nireklamo. The doctor came, but I couldn't understand him anymore. They checked my eyes and talked about my vision. Ngunit si Damon na lang ang nakakaintindi sa kaniya.

It was just a matter of time when I remembered my child. Nakaalis na ang doctor nang kapain ko ang tiyan ko at na-realize na wala na ang umbok doon.

"W-Where's my... baby?"

Muli nanamang natahimik lahat.

"Damon... nasaan ang a-anak ko!?"

"Dimmy..."

"Answer me!" nagpumilit akong bumangon at mangapa ngunit kaagad akong nadaluhan ni Damon.

"Where the hell is my child!" Umalingawngaw ang galit kong sigaw sa buong kwarto ngunit walang naglakas loob na magsalita.

"Y-You were comatose for two months after that accident." I heard a familiar voice who interrupted.

Pinakinggan kong mabuti ang boses niya hanggang sa muli siyang magsalita.

"I was the one who found you first, dahil sa isang tawag. Sabi ng driver na nakabangga sa 'yo ako ang nasa emergency call mo, kaya sa akin siya tumawag." Yeah, I know. Siya ang inilagay ko dahil noong nasa Vegas kami ay madalas na siya ang tinatawagan ko. Hindi ko iyon napalitab ng umuwi rito.

"Sakto na kakabalik ko lang noon, at kalalabas lang sa airport when I immediately drove to the hospital where he brought you."

"Naabutan kong inooperahan ka noon, sa ulo at sa tiyan to get your child out. You're unconscious, kaya napilitan silang hiwain ang tiyan mo to save your baby." My grip on the bed sheet tightened.

"You were saved from any complications, at hindi naging critical ang condition...good thing hindi ka nagkaroon ng internal bleeding but your eyes were struck by broken glasses from the car, which is why you lost your vision. And you were comatose for months. And your child... your child... didn't survive. P-patay na siya ng mailabas sa tiyan mo."

My mind went blank. Coldness envelops my system. My shattered heart broke into a million pieces again. Ayaw maproseso sa isip ko lahat ng sinabi ni Tremor.

I lost my vision.

Comatose for two months.

And my child was found dead before he was even born.

What else should I have to bear?

How much pain should I have to feel?

How many more tears do I still have to cry just to ease the burden on my chest?

My silence ended.

My loud cries went along with my tears. Para na akong nababaliw na tumatawa habang umiiyak. Umiilingiling ako at ayaw tanggapin ng isip ang mga nalaman.

Mariin kong sinabunutan ang sarili at kahit anong pagpapakalma sa akin ay hindi ko magawa. Nagpupumilit akong bumangot at kinapa ang nakakabit sa kamay ko. I was so ready to remove it when Lucifer hugged me and tried to calm me down.

"L-Let me go, Lucifer! I want to die! I want to die! Let me die! Ayoko na! Ayoko na rito! Ayoko na! Please! Please! Ayoko na! Pakiusap! Let me go!"

"No... no... you'll be fine... you can do this, Dimmy. You're strong...Hmm, I'm here. I will always be he—"

"No!" marahas ko siyang itinulak. Wala na akong maintindihan.

"No! You're the reason why I am suffering like this! If it wasn't because of you! Hindi niya ako kukunin! He won't make me pay! He won't... he won't hurt me like this! I-Ikaw ang dahilan ng lahat ng 'to! Hindi sana mawawala ang anak ko!" paninisi ko sa kaniya at marahas siyang sinumbatan. I can't say that man's name. I hate him...I loathe him...I wish he was dead. I wish he would just die.

I wish they were all gone from my life!

"D-Dimmy...you didn't mean all of—"

"Get this man out of this room!" basta ko na lang siya itinuro kahit hindi ko alam kung naroroon ba siya sa direksyon na iyon. Narinig ko pa ang pagtawag niya but Tremor talks to him and makes him leave. Mararahas ang paghinga ko at walang awat ang mga luhang kumakawala sa mga mata ko.

Everything was too much to bear. Ayaw nang tanggapin ng isip ko ang mga nalaman. Pakiramdam ko buong katawan ko ang naapektuhan. I feel so numb, but despite the numbness, I can feel the pain. Tila ang sakit na iyon ang nagpapamanhid sa buo kong katawan.

"What did I do to deserve these? Minahal ko naman sila... wala na akong itinira... at 'yong mga bagay na inaasahan ko na lang kinuha pa nila..." I was punching my head when someone held my fist.

"Shhh, tama na Dim." Tremor.

I cried hard, and I let him hug me. I needed comfort, but he wasn't enough. Hindi ko inaasahan na darating ang panahon na mangyayari sa akin lahat ng 'to.

"Tell me Tremor...naging masama ba akong tao?"

"No, baby... stop talking about that, hmm? You're too good for them..."

"T-Then why?" nanghihina kong tanong habang patuloy na umiiyak. My voice becomes so faint.

I gave all the love that I had and forgot myself. Inubos ko ang pagmamahal sa iba na nakalimutan ko nang tumira para sa sarili ko. In the end, maiiwan lang ako ng ganito.

They took everything from me. Everything.

My vision, my child, my heart; they're everything to me and now they're gone. I felt like I was just an empty container. I'm still alive, but it feels like I'm barely breathing.

"I will help you gain back your vision. Makakahanap tayo ng donor, and after that, tutulungan kitang makaahon."

I stopped asking and wishing for things that were impossible to happen. Wala na akong pakialam sa mangyayari sa hinaharap. Wala na akong pakialam sa kahahantungan ng buhay ko. I lost my purpose...I lost my dreams... I lost my direction.

I'd never imagined becoming so vengeful, but after I heard about an eye donor, I wished for it to happen soon, so that after the operation, I would start to charge someone who owes me life.

Halos isang buwan akong namalagi sa bahay ni Tremor. Nangangapa at sinasanay ang sarili. The operation will be next week. Konting tiis na lang makakakita na ako ulit.

Tremor never leaves my side. He was there when I was suffering in frustration. He was there when the only thing I wanted was to harm myself. Habang lumilipas ang araw ay mas nahihirapan akong mag-adjust.

I am also having a hard time accepting the truth. I accept that I lost someone important to me.

Days passed immediately.

Dumating na rin ang araw na pinakahihintay ko.

Umaasa ako na magiging successful ang operasyon. Kating-kati na akong makakita ulit.

"Did you already close the deal?" I heard Tremor's voice... it seems like he's talking to someone.

"Yes sir, kusa silang nagpaubaya at inuna na tayo sa list. They said, they can still wait for another eye donor."

"Good. Tell them to meet us some other time para makapag pasalamat kami."

"Noted Sir," Tahimik akong hinintay ang susunod na mga mangyayari.

Because after this... lahat magbabago. And I will make sure that everyone who wronged me will taste the fear and pain I've felt. They will fear me. They will ask for my forgiveness. They will pay. Muli kong papasukin ang buhay nila. Hindi ko sila hahayaang maging masaya.

Maybe this is the reason why I never asked God, why. Why does it always have to be them, and why do I always have to ask why me? It had to be me, of all people?

Now I clearly have the answer.

I will just wait for the time that I am already pain-free. At habang hinihintay ko 'yon, I will try my best to change myself into someone whose change will surprise everyone. And I will let them know... na may mas nakakatakot pa kasya kadiliman.

I won't forgive them. Never again.