I don't know what to think anymore.

I called for Damon to pick me up since I remembered he was here too. Good thing we're in the same city.

"What happened?" bungad niya sa akin pagkasakay ko pa lang sa kotse niya. I feel so tired kahit wala naman akong ibang ginawa kundi ang dumalo sa isang party na hindi naman ako kailangan.

I have questions in mind that I badly want to ask Dame, pero hindi ko matuloy-tuloy dahil alam kong marami na siyang problema at ayoko na iyong dagdagan pa. Ayoko nang maalala niya kung ano man 'yon.

"Leave him... Dimmy." mariin ang kapit niya sa manibela ngunit umiling ako.

"I love him, but I can't do that, Damon."

"He's just hurting you! It's so obvious that he's doing it because of me! He's using you against me, Dimmy. Fuck!" My heart clenched when he slapped the stirring wheel hard.

"I'm fine. Ginusto ko 'to Dame. Hindi naman niya ako sinasaktan physically," but he's torturing me emotionally and mentally.

"Dimmy..."

"Ihatid mo na lang ako sa hotel, Dame. Gusto ko na matulog, maybe we can see each other tomorrow, namimiss ko na mamasyal with you."

Hindi na siya nagreklamo. Pagkarating sa hotel ay mabilis akong tumungo sa suite. I put my bag on the couch and immediately chose to step inside the shower room.

Hinubad ko ang damit na suot at ipinailalim ang sarili sa tubig na bumubuhos. I sat down on the tile floor and pressed my knees together as I let myself cry all the exhaustion and pain.

Amari was his ex-fiancé's twin sister.

Does he love her because he sees his ex with her?

Or maybe he really did fall for her after her ex passed away?

Damn, I am the wife. Why do I feel like I am the third party? Why do I feel like I am the mistress trying to wreck an almost perfect relationship?

Tears fell along with the water. I curled my feet, as I let the pain shatter my whole being.

Even though I am now so close to the truth, why can't I still let go?

Bakit ko siya minahal ng ganito?

I used to be so careless and carefree about everything. I always go with the flow, go on with life, face challenges and become fierce against life's shits. Pero bakit hindi ko na magawa sa ngayon?

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na nagbabad sa ilalim ng tubig. I just decided to rinse off when I felt cold. Sinuot ko lang ang white robe at pinatuyo ang buhok bago lumabas. The room was dimmed and I chose to walk on the veranda. The cold night envelopes me. The stars are shining, beside the moon that illuminates the city.

I was distracted when I heard crackles. Sumilip ako sa loob and I saw the shadow of a man. I knew it was Hunter, so I pretended he wasn't here. Wala akong lakas na kausapin siya. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya ako nahanap dito, at paano niya nalamang nasa hotel ako, pero hindi ko na siguro kailangang magtaka, he's Hunter after all. Just like his name, he's good to hunt.

I want to rest, pero mukhang kahit ayoko... eto siya at tumayo sa tabi ko. Why is he acting like he didn't do something to me a while ago? Like he didn't make me look like a fool?

"Kanina..." He trailed off, so I took the chance to speak.

"Dapat hindi mo na lang ako pinapunta," pagdugtong ko sa sinabi niya kaya bahagya ulit kaming binalot ng katahimikan.

Alam ko na ang lugar ko at lugar ni Amari sa buhay mo. Pero kumpara sa kaniya, legal naman ang karapatan ko kasi asawa kita. Pero siguro sa puso mo... mas may karapatan siya.

"Heather told me she met you."

"Yeah," and she made me feel unwanted too.

Why do people tend to toy with me and make me feel worthless?

"Dimaria..."

"Can I ask you a favor?" naramdaman kong lumingon siya kaya napalunok ako.

My tears started to well up in my eyes again.

"Don't let me go. No matter what happens... even if you can't love me... or treat me better... just keep me with you. Don't divorce me." I changed my mind, for those times when I am asking for a separation.

Alam kong ako rin ang mag s-suffer pero hindi rin pwedeng ako lang. Kahit mahirap at masakit, gagawin ko 'to para kahit paano mahirapan din siya. He can't marry Amari, while we're married. Sapat na sa akin 'yon. Na ako lang ang legal na asawa niya.

Hindi ko na hinintay pa na sumagot siya at dumeretso na sa loob. I choose to rest and sleep, para kahit paano mawala 'yong sakit pero...sa kalagitnaan ng pagtulog, nagising na lang ako ng umiiyak.

I cried in silence. I covered my mouth just so I couldn't wake him up. I thought it wasn't possible. But now that I am experiencing it, I guess nothing is impossible in this world. The pain is real.

Kinabukasan ay maaga akong umalis. Hindi ko hinintay si Hunter na magising. I just left a note with a few words saying that I'd meet my brother. Sinundo rin ako ni Damon at nagkaayaan kaming mamasyal.

With Damon, kahit paano ay naibsan ang lungkot ko. Namasyal lang kaming dalawa like we were kids. Enjoy mall life and public places.

I was laughing the whole time I was with my brother. It's not like we're facing different problems. Tragedies happen, like the way we used to be before.

"Go, sing..." tinulaktulak niya ako. We're at the center of the mall. May event ata, I don't know, and the host was calling for a volunteer para kumanta. And here's my dumb brother, who's pushing me to sing. Sa katutulak niya ay nakaagaw na kami ng attention hanggang sa pati 'yong host ay napatingin na sa akin.

"Oh, Oh, wait... is that Dimaria Rushwood?" napasinghap ang mga naroroon kaya mas lalo akong kinabahan. Kaagad akong sinundo ng ilang part ng event para hindi ako sugurin ng iba.

Gosh! Damon!

"We're so honoured to have you here, Miss Dimaria."

"Yeah, me too."

"So would you like to treat us to one song?"

"Uh sure," I smiled and accepted the microphone. Sinamaan ko pa ng tingin si Damon na humalakhak lang at pumalakpak bago nag thumbs up sa akin.

I looked at the crowd and roamed my eyes, after I told the host which song I was going to sing.

I sighed.

I can't find a reason to let go

Even though you've found a new love

And she's what your dreams are made of

I can find a reason to hang on

What went wrong can be forgiven

Without you, it ain't worth livin' alone

Sometimes I wake up crying at night

And sometimes I scream out your name

What right does she have to take you away

When for so long, you were mine?

Accidentally, my eyes shifted in one direction, and tears welled up in my eyes. Standing, leaning against the post, watching me sing.

I took out all the pictures of our wedding day

It was a time of love and laughter

Happy ever after

But even those old pictures have begun to fade

Please tell me she's not real

And that you're really coming home to stay

Sometimes I wake up crying at night

And sometimes I scream out your name

What right does she have to take your heart away

When for so long, you were mine?

I heard claps after I sang. Pilit akong ngumiti at nilingon na si Luci na halatang alangang pumalakpak. Bakas ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya, so I smiled at him the moment I stopped in front of him, but instead of smiling back, he gave me a comforting hug, which is why I broke down.

I cried silently against his chest. He combed the strands of my hair as he waited for me to calm down. When I calmed down, inaya niya akong kumain at nagpatianod na lang ako. I wished for it to last longer, pero may mga meetings pa siyang dapat puntahan so we decided to part ways after.

Mag-isa na lang akong namasyal at inabala ang sarili.

I don't know where Hunter went after what happened inside the mall earlier. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit naroroon siya. He's probably with someone.

And I was right.

Because now that I am standing outside one of the fancy restaurants here... I saw them, having their lunch together.

Hunter and Amari.

The way he treated her, the way he gave his full attention to her, his gestures, and the way he talked to her with gentleness. How he attended to her stories and questions attentively.

I felt so insecure.

Sa unang pagkakataon, nahanapan ko ng pagkukulang ang sarili ko.

Jealousy was eating me whole.

Buong buhay ko hindi ko kailanman kinuwestyon ang sarili ko, iung ano ang kulang sa akin, ang wala ako, kung ano ang pangit sa akin na kailangan kong baguhin...but now... while watching them... I couldn't do anything but ask what should I change to win his heart? To make him love me... back?

To get that kind of treatment is what he's giving her.

Sa pagtayo roon ay bigla na lang kay nakabangga sa akin dahil para mapasubsob ako. I caught some attention, but I remained staring at Hunter and Amari. Bahagyang napatingin sa direksyon ko si Hunter at naabutan niya akong tumatayo pero parang hindi niya ako kilala ng bumalik ang tingin niya kay Amari at sinagot ang sinasabi nito.

I felt so little at that time. Napayuko akong nagsimulang maglakad paalis.

Mabibigat ang paghinga at iika-ika akong umalis ng hindi alam kung saan pupunta.

Sa kalagitnaan ng paglalakad ay bigla akong napahinto at mabigat na napabunting hininga until... I broke down again. I cried, between this crowd and strangers passing by.

Mariin kong binahid ang mga luha ko using my arm, but they just keep on falling. Umuga ang balikat ko. Some are taking pictures of me, some are muttering something and whispering at each other, pero wala na akong pakialam. I reached for my ring and played it on my finger.

I was trying to get the strength to hold on.

I'm still okay... okay lang 'to. I will prove it to him no matter how much he hurts me, mananatili at mananatili ako.

Pipiliin ko pa ring manatili sa kabila ng lahat ng sakit.

I'll prove him myself. I'll prove to him that I am deserving of his love.

Bumalik ako sa hotel at nagsimula nang i-pack ang mga gamit dahil ang alam ko'y babalik na rin kami mamaya, o bukas.

After that, I just chose to rest, dahil nanghihina na rin ang katawan ko sa pakiramdam na pagod na pagod. I can feel tightness in my chest that makes my hand knuckle on it.

I almost forgot about my asthma. I've been restless these past few days.

Naalimpungatan ako ng marinig na tila may dumadaing. Pagmulat ko'y kaagad na napunta sa isang direksyon ang mga mata ko and I saw Hunter.

Tila may iniinda ito. Sandali akong tumingin sa orasan at nakitang alas otso na pala ng gabi, masyadong mahaba ang pagtulog ko.

Kaagad akong bumaba mula sa kama at nilapitan siya.

"What happened? Are you okay?" He looked at me with his half-open eyes before he shook his head.

"I'm okay."

Instead of believing him, I held his hand, covering part of his body. Nang alisin ko 'yon ay nagulat ako ng makitang tila may tama siya ng kutsilyo. He got one stab.

"Anong nangyari?"

"Just a simple fight." simple? Pero may saksak?

Napailing ako. I wanted to ask him what really happened at napaaway siya pero mas pinili kong manahimik at kumuha ng first aid kit saka bumalik sa kaniya.

Nagtataka pa siyang pinanood ako hanggang sa maupo ako sa sahig habang nakaharap sa kaniya.

"Can you take off your shirt? Bakit kasi hindi ka dumeretso sa hospital?"

"No need, hindi naman malalim."

"Kahit na!" pareho kaming nagulat sa pagsinghal ko kaya bumalik ang tingin ko sa cotton na hawak.

Hindi pa rin niya ako sinusunod, ngunit ng lingunin ko siya ay marahas na ang kaniyang paghinga at marahan na hinubad ang shirt. I saw how his muscles flexed because of his slow movement. He tosses his shirt on the other side of the couch as he stares at me.

Lumuhod ako sa harapan niya so I could reach that part when he got a stab. Halos manginig pa ako ng makita kung gaano kaganda ang katawan niya. His ripped abs were exposed, making me swallow hard. I saw how he licked his lip before staring away. He placed his arms on the backrest of the couch and waited for me to start cleaning his wound. I applied gentle pressure to it until the bleeding stopped.

I was too focused on it at that time. After stoping it from bleeding I start to rinse it first and then put an iodine. I put a gauze on it, at pagkatapos ay kumuha naman ako ng bandage, since sa tagiliran iyon, I need to encircle it on his body. Umayos ako ng pagkakaluhod at bahagyang iniyakap sa kaniya ang kamay to encircle the bandage. Ramdam at dinig ko ang mabigat niyang paghinga na hindi ko naman pinagtuunan ng pansin. Pagkatapos masiguro na okay na, ay nagpasya na akong iligpit ang mga ginamit at tumayo ngunit ng sandaling makatayo na ako ay kaagad niya akong hinawakan sa kamay at hinila paupo sa kandungan niya. Making me straddle on his thighs.

Mabilis na kumalabog ang dibdib ko.

No matter how my heart beats for him, I can't deny the fact that... the other side of my heart was also aching.

Sinubukan kong kumawala pero humigpit lang ang yakap niya sa akin. He was holding both of my wrists in front of me while he was leaning against my back, resting his head.

"H-Hunter ibabalik ko na 'tong kit." I tried to stay away, but he wouldn't let me. Kaagad na namuo ang mga luha ko lalo na ng maalala ko ang nakita kanina.

"You love me, right?" I didn't answer.

"Tell me."

Ayoko.

"Yes." Damn.

"When I ask you to stay in love with me, will you do it?" mariin akong pumikit at napatingala dahil sa mga luha na nagsisimulang bumagsak. My lips parted. I tried to gasp for air. My chest tightened.

"Why? What for? You have Amari."

Hinintay ko siyang sumagot, ngunit hindi ang gusto kong sagot ang ibinigay niya. Binitawan niya ako at malakas ba humalakhak. Kaagad akong napatayo, hindi alintana na may mga luha pa rin sa mga mata at pisngi ko ay lumingon ako sa kaniya.

There's a joy in his eyes, like he's enjoying himself. Tuwang-tuwa siyang paglaruan ako kaya mas lalong nangatal ang mga labi ko.

His laugh was toned down and turned into a small grin on his lips.

"You're so easy to fool and deceive, Dimaria. If you continue being so stupid, you won't gain anything but pain."

After he said that, he took his wallet and phone, which he placed on the table, and left.