And the cycle starts.

Every few months, there's always a day or two where I feel nothing—absolutely nothing.

It's also where I want to do nothing, and just sit there staring at the plain, white walls. My night terrors are always worse during these days, and sometimes I might hallucinate. Call me crazy, because I agree.

It's like when girls are on their period, but just way, way more depressing. As much as I want to skip school, I can't. It's my last year anyways.

I got diagnosed with PTSD earlier, and depression a year after the accident. Most of the time, I just have mental breakdowns. Luckily Jae-eun is there. Some days are worse than others, I would grab a razor and draw it horizontally across my wrist. And sometimes, I wonder why I am really here.

I lifted my sleeves up, looking at the light scars I've left on myself. It was barely noticeable and you could only see it if you looked closely.

The light scars were drawn years ago, I did it after I had quit drinking alcohol—if I couldn't find peace in alcohol, maybe I could find it in pain. But I decided to stop doing it to myself after Jae-eun lectured me on it. I am so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Only two people know my secret—well, one now. My grandmother was the one that took me to the doctor—after finding out that I had depression, she didn't know what to do, so she got me a therapist. The therapist was horrible, or, I am horrible. I realized that I had never opened up to her before my grandmother passed away—that's when the sessions stopped.

The only person that knows my secret and is alive now, is Jae-eun. I made her vow to never tell anyone. She was speechless at first when I told her, but then she told me that she'd help me through what I go through. I guess some people are worth living for.

I walked through the school doors. It was the first day of school, but I felt so... empty. I looked down at my empty hand, the feeling of warmth and care wasn't there. Dae-suk isn't there.

'I can make it through today', I thought. I walked into math, one of the subjects I despise the most. I used my arms as cushions and put my head down onto it.

I sighed, going deep into my thoughts.

'How did it even happen?'

'Why did it happen so quick?'

'Why couldn't I save them?'

Questions swirled into my mind, questions that I could not answer. Questions that I need to find the answer to.

"Y/N, do you have the answer for this?" Mrs. Kim called out, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"What?" I groaned, keeping my head on my desk. As much as would like to keep a good reputation, nobody is here to scold me anymore. Not eomma, appa, or Dae-suk. Grandmother is just there to watch me, but I know she doesn't care. Could it get any worse?

"What's the answer for..." I tuned her out, lifting my head up. My eyes widened as I saw a familiar figure stand here, looking at me as I stared at him.

The figure had a bowl haircut and black hair. He continued looking at me as I tilted my head to the side.

What the hell?

I shook my head, closing my eyes. When I opened my eyes and looked back at the front of the classroom, he wasn't there anymore.

"Y/N," Mrs. Kim called out. My eyes darted up to her as she walked over to my desk, tapping on it.

"I asked, do you know the answer to-," I interrupted.

"M-may I use the bathroom?" I stuttered.

She sighed as she nodded. I pushed my arms onto my desk, lifting myself up as my legs shakily ran down the hall and to the bathroom.

Not caring if anyone was here, I went into a stall as I locked it—leaning against the stall door and sliding down onto the floor, I had no idea what just happened.

A hallucination?

'What's wrong with me?' I thought as I sobbed. It's only been a few months and it's been so hard. I miss Dae-suk. I miss my parents. I miss my old life.

"Y/N?" I heard a voice call as I sniffled.

"It's Jae-eun, your classmate. You know me right?" She asked. I stayed quiet, conforming her question.

"C-can you please open your door?" She asked softly.

"I-I can't." I sniffled, wanting to sob again. Maybe not because of how sad I am, but because I realized that maybe someone cares about me.

"Okay, okay uhhh," Her 10 year old self tried to think.

"Just breathe," She said, I didn't realize two words could calm me down so quickly and efficiently.

"Deep breathes, in and out." She said. Even though she didn't know me well, she lended me a helping hand—and that makes me so, so happy. I realized that she is someone I need to live for.

Jae-eun was there since my first mental breakdown in school, even though I felt embarrassed, she assured me that she'd be there for me to help me no matter what. I appreciate her so much, and she kept her promise.

If things get bad, I would take medication for the hallucinations, but the terrors don't stop. I don't sleep at night, because I'm afraid what would happen if I drift off into the world of unknown.

I walk to school as usual, and most of the time I try to convince myself that it'll be okay.

"Y/N, how do you get the answer to this?" She asked, pointing to the question on the board. I sighed.

Before I could answer, "Everyone should know the answer to this question immediately, especially since finals are coming up in a few months." She stared at me.

I rolled my eyes, staring straight at her as I start explaining to her how to solve the equation. She stared at me, probably judging me on how I explained things.

My words got caught in my throat as a womanly figure stood in front of me. Right in front of my desk. She didn't move nor speak. But I knew who she was.

Long, dark brown hair. She looked at me blankly. Eomma. I gulped, my eyes widening at the sight. She hasn't aged a day, no wrinkles—just her beautiful face. "I-I..." My words trailed off.

Somebodies elbow nudged me, I turned to my left, finding Jungkook. 'Are you okay?' He mouthed. I nodded, turning back to look at the front, but just like that she was gone.

"Y-yes," I said, my voice shook as I finished explaining.

"M-may I use the restroom?" I asked, feeling like something was coming.

She nodded, but before she could say anything, I shot up from my seat as I rushed to the bathroom. This time, the restrooms were singular stalled—so I locked it.

I slid down the door, stuffing my head into my hands as I sobbed. My breathing became rapid and the room felt hot. I couldn't seem to get any cooler as my breathes were short.

"Y/N." A voice spoke. It wasn't Jae-eun, but it was Jungkook.

"Let me in," He spoke softly.

How'd he know that I was even in here? I wiped my tears away as I stood up, opening the door and putting on a smile. It felt more like a broken smile. A smile I use almost everyday, except for when I'm with him.

His eyebrows furrowed as his concern grew. "Y/N..." He whispered.

All of my walls came crashing down.

My face scrunched up as I let out a soft whimper. His arms embraced me, holding me. I've always felt so...so lonely in this world. Jae-eun couldn't even fill that abrupt feeling.

But maybe he can.

What am I thinking? He's the school's bad boy.

The way I feel with him around, I wanted to just sit there while forgetting everything else around us.

I wanted it to just be him.