I was never good at studying. My sister is, but as she explains, it’s all out of necessity and not that she actually knows what she’s doing. I’m pretty much there, now.

So I write. The list of things I need to do. Even though right now they all seem terrifying and impossible, I know I still need to do them. I can’t give up.

I go through them all again:

Study for the test Make my parents not hate me Ignore James indefinitely Ravina??

Admittedly, there are some flaws.

The first one though… the test retake.

Anxiety curls through my chest at the mere idea of having to take it again. Yet somehow, I know I can handle it this time. I won’t be a coward again.

Next to step #1, I scribble;

Friday the 6th, 12 pm

Room 505

ACTUALLY BE PREPARED YOU DICK

There are my notes…

Now, numbers two and three on the list are pretty similar. I wonder why my first instinct is to flee the country and change my name, but alas.

I find myself wondering why my parents waited to move until now. Surely it can’t just be because I’m a total failure.

I mean, god knows I haven’t given them very much proof that I’m actually doing right by them. The test probably put the nail in the coffin for them ever really trusting me with adult decisions again. Great.

So, maybe I could go to college like my sister? Probably not a good college, as they were hoping. I guess I can thank my poor judgement and lack of restraint for that.

But a college? Would that keep my folks off my back?

I sigh, slumping back in my chair.

But, I couldn’t just do it for them. I couldn’t live my life for my parents. I had to live it for me, and while I wasn’t exactly sure what that looked like, I was pretty sure it wasn’t more school. At least not yet.

So, what? Traveling? I know plenty of people who are taking gap years. But that’s not really enough to show my family that I’m really doing something with my life.

Oh, the pickle I’m in…

I put a question mark under number two. That would require more thought.

Now. James.

I mean, he got me kicked out of school so he probably doesn’t care if we ever talk again. It just seems so stupid to ruin our friendship like this. Although what do I know, maybe it’s for the best.

And now. The last thing on my list. The thing I could hardly imagine fixing right now, given the fact that I was suddenly leaving.

Ravina Dobs.

That girl is trouble. And I knew it the moment I met her.

I needed to do some soul-searching, and normally I’d begin by running. Putting as much physical distance between me and the problem as possible until the answer smacks me rather brutally in the face…

But running now feels like giving into old habits, and I truly do want to face all of this head on, so instead I decide to take a page out of Ravina’s book.

Where does one begin to look for music?

I thought of how Rav said she chooses her favorite songs. She said sometimes it was the loud anger of the actual music that helped her feel understood, but often it was the lyrics that seemed to, and I quote, echo her heart.

What was I feeling now? What words were in my heart?

I type a phrase into my phone, searching for anything that could be a song title…

I feel lost

I find a playlist that seems interesting. I click on the first song that catches my eye. The name makes me pause. Ocean Sunset Motorcycle.

I listen to it for a while, liking the images it evokes in my mind, but I press pause when the lyrics begin to remind me of Ravina.

I’m not sure how I’m going to survive this week without her. It’s only day one and I miss her so much.

Like an idiot, I search; miss her and then end up shuffling through love song after love song, which of course only depresses me further.

I try to change to a different topic…

7 Years by Lukas Graham also makes me sad. That’s a no.

The first song I actually end up listening to all the way through is Growing Up by Macklemore. I have no idea, I just like some of the lyrics.

Work Bitch is the most ridiculous song I’ve ever heard and I can’t understand what she’s saying, but it ends up motivating me to go get my notes out of my backpack just so I can get away from it, so that’s something.

When I get back to my desk, a new song is playing. And for some reason this song becomes the thing I put on repeat for the next two and a half hours as I go over my science, math, and history notes for the test.

I’ve got this.

Unfortunately I don’t know if I’ve learned anything new at the end of the two hours, aside from the lyrics to Toxic.