Su Lan

2005 years after The Long Night

Hêi'àn Palace

It was all thanks to Jin Songcai that Su Lan was even there. The King had been more than a little hesitant about allowing him anywhere near the palace, let alone their marriage ceremony, but Songcai had insisted that Su Lan would be well enough to attend. The healer had gone to Wúmeng upon hearing what had happened to him, spending the better part of a month tirelessly sorting through the mess in his mind.

"It cannot be rushed," Songcai had stated. "Your core had all but dissolved. I'm rebuilding from what is left..."

What is left? Su Lan hadn't the faintest idea.

Constantly switching back and forth between mindsets; where do I go? What should I do? Should I kill myself and be done... but how? The man had ended up coming to no conclusions. Now, sitting here at the back of the room, watching the sun slowly setting through the windows, he truly felt like he didn't belong anywhere; alive or dead.

Xie Yi-jun and Jin Songcai were standing together where the throne usually was; the King dressed in blood-red ceremony robes, and his lover in the same.

They had just finished the Chalice Ritual; drinking from cups with arms linked, and Su Lan couldn't help from thinking about how his own marriage never had such formalities. Can I even call what I had with Yaeon a marriage?

Su Lan clenched his fists. Stop, you're here for A'Jun. Enough of this self pity...

He watched as The King took Jin Songcai's hands, the smile as well as the tears forming in Yi-jun's eyes as he looked at the one he loved.

"From the moment I laid eyes on you," he said. "I have been yours. Every step that I take is to get to you, every beat of my heart I count the seconds until we are together. I know I am not good at saying something pretty, not like you are, Jin-cai. Still. I want you to know that to me, you are heaven on earth. You are what poets write about, what Angels sing of, and I am but a mere follower; a disciple, bowing, worshipping at the foot of the statue you have built. I will tend to you, care for you, love you... with everything that I am."

Su Lan heard the soft murmur of admiration, and several people trying to hide the fact that they were crying, but he could only stare blankly at it all. Feeling disconnected, somewhere else, even as he listened to Jin Songcai's similar words and then watched the two exchange rings.

They got here in the end. That is a good thing... why do I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin?!

Su Lan remembered what the healer had said; his mind and body were so used to being in other, smaller forms. Forms that didn't require his emotions or mind to interfere, relying only on basic instinct and needs. It would be some time before the urge to just fade away left him. He wondered if it ever would-

As Xie Yi-jun and Jin Songcai finally kissed, sealing their vows, everybody jumped up and started clapping and hollering, the noise being far too loud for Su Lan's heightened senses and making him wince.

He tried to bear it for as long as he could, clenching his jaw and watching his old friend grin and then over-dramatically bow to his new spouse. Su Lan remembered, back then when he called that boy A'Jun and loved him as much as a real brother, the child's fondness for exaggerating, playing tricks and games on everybody, yet being too gentle for his own good...

"You're insane," he'd said once as he watched Yi-jun at age fourteen try to steal a horse in the middle of the night.

"Shh!" The young Prince had hissed, grinning just like he was now.

"I've left three pillows under my covers, they won't suspect a thing-"

As A'Jun gripped the reins in both hands tightly, Su Lan remembered exactly, word for word what he had said.

"I've got to keep running, Su Lan. I have to keep going until I hit the horizon, and then further!"

"What are you looking for?! Another scolding, another lockdown? I won't be rescuing you a third time..."

"No," Yi-jun had laughed. "Just something to believe in."

Now, it seemed he had found it.

Su Lan knew he couldn't stay. He knew it like he knew that somewhere in the desert his family lay buried under seven centuries of sand. Killed and left with unmarked graves. They died, with nothing left for him to hold onto or remember...

Leaving the throne room, he had only gone a few steps into the hallway before he heard his name being called. It wasn't a call of familiarity, or friendship. Xie Yi-jun stopped him, his voice sounding as if the King was condemning him to something worse than what he'd already survived.

"Su Lan," Yi-jun said. "Where will you go?"

He turned, just as Jin Songcai ran out, hurrying over to stare at him in surprise...

"You're leaving?! But-"

Su Lan bowed to them both, lowering his eyes as he spoke; "Apologies, for departing early. I have unfinished business that I must see to before anything else. My congratulations to you both-"

"Wait!"

Jin Songcai had stepped forward but Su Lan watched as Yi-jun quickly grabbed the man's arm, as if to pull him back.

It might be a good idea to stay away from me... while I am fine for now, there's no telling how long it will last.

Songcai looked back at his husband and seemed to frown...

"You shouldn't travel too far," he said. "Your healing process is ongoing, you can't be out there alone."

Su Lan only lowered his eyes again-

"Thank you for all you've done, but I won't be your burden any longer. Pretend I am a stranger from your past. Let me go,"

When he glanced up, Su Lan thought he saw something flash within Yi-jun's eyes, but it was gone in an instant. He knew that between the two of them, words like friendship and brotherhood had all been long since replaced. Su Lan wasn't even human anymore, how could he claim he was Yi-jun's old friend?

This is what I must do. For myself, for my family. For us all...

About to turn and leave, words suddenly entered his mind that he thought he'd forgotten long ago. A promise that he'd carried with him, a gift to be delivered on this exact date.

"Oh," Su Lan murmured. "I have one last thing."

Jin Songcai nodded, "Yes?"

Su Lan looked into Yi-jun's eyes, strangely shadowed with what he knew was anger as well as fear-

"Remember my last gift, A'Jun?"

Saying that name felt like a punch in the throat but he held back the tears...

The King looked like he recalled too.

Songcai only blinked, "What is it?"

"The promise I made, to deliver his dying words to you. I couldn't bring them all those years ago, but I can give you them now."

The healer glanced back at Xie Yi-jun, but the man looked as if he himself didn't recall the message. Su Lan did. It had lodged itself deep inside his heart, like a splinter he could never remove...

Stepping closer to Songcai, Su Lan halted when he saw the King's hand tighten on his lover's arm. And it was with great honor and love, and sadness, that Su Lan spoke the words he said next;

"While I'm alive I will love only you. Every breath I take will be loving you. And when I die, I'll do that loving you too."