Hello again.

I think it’s technically the 16th, but whatever. I’m sitting on my parents’ couch in the dark being insanely miserable and figured I’d make another attempt at documenting all the shit I’m thankful for (cheers, Dr Hall).

1. Cats. I’m thankful for cats and their indifference to literally everyone else’s pain. Their only cares in life are food, naps, and the undying affection of their chosen human servant. Their only hardships are the tiny, stupid hats we force them to wear. May we all aspire to the level of self confidence it takes to maintain eye contact while licking our own asses.

2. Internet. I am also thankful for the internet, where I can doom scroll and receive a constant stream of reminders that I will die alone and that the aforementioned apathetic cats will probably eat my body.

3. Dipshit friends. I’m thankful for people who will tell me in no uncertain terms that I deserve better. And who will threaten to climb on a red eye tonight to come over here and pry my cell phone from my hands just to prevent me from texting Raging Asshole in a “fit of pique” (what century is this, Ryan?).

…Fuck this is hard.

Logically I know that I’m not alone, that I stand an excellent chance of finding someone else, that the depression won’t last (it never does), but that doesn’t make the loneliness and hurt suck any fewer balls.

I can’t stop replaying all of my happy memories with Russ, or the phrase he used when he was ending it - “I stopped being happy a while ago.” Why didn’t I notice? It feels like I’m a failure because I couldn’t make it work and he found something better. I wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough.

He was my first serious relationship. How do people recover from this? How do I get past assigning winners and losers in this situation? How do I stop caring that he’s probably better off?