Dear journal,

Valentines Day is coming up, so here is some of my thoughts going on about it.

In a previous entry, I stated I have come to hate, then trust/love females.

I have been told many times how a minority of people fell in love with my light brown eyes. I was brown with grey eyes, eventually turning to light brown. I also have been told my expressions and smiles are priceless. I first took it as an insult at a young age until...

***age range 7-8 years old

I have gone through many different babysitters during my young age, but the one that stuck out the most. Was the one I shut out of my memories for a long time. Unfortunately I usually think about her Valentine's Day every time. Because, she in my mind was the most beautiful woman in my lif, and told her so. She would countlessly tell me how much of a heartbreaker I was gonna be when I grew up, and wish she could be dating me already.

At first I thought she just kidding around, waiting to say something mean to me as my sister did whenever she said something nice to me. The most unique thing I remember about this babysitter wasn't her name but her smell of cherry chapstick.

I would bug her repeatedly to let me smell it, because I was constantly hungry from growth spurts at that age. She would tell me I have to kiss her on her cheek for a long period to smell it if I wanted, she didn't want me to have her chapstick... So I did. After a few days of that happening when she babysat me and my siblings, she then would arrange one on one time for me to watch television with her as we cuddled. I felt comfortable, I started telling her I like her a lot for understanding me, and spending time with me.

She then started telling me repeatedly that she wished I was her boyfriend, and that she didn't have one. She would stare for long periods of time in my eyes while I stared at her lips and smelled the cherry chapstick.

Then after a week, she started to to ask if I wanted to taste her lips, of course from loving the smell, I agreed. I harmlessly and non-sexually chewed on her lips like they were a piece of bubble gum. Then she would invade my mouth with her tongue. After that, she being fustrated would nibble a lot on my ears and neck. I kept telling her it tickled and felt good. At that point I could see her seriously consider what she was doing with me in her eyes. She knew what she was doing was wrong yet she did not want to stop. I told her when I noticed that expression, that it was okay because I liked her a lot and didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. She then tried explaining what love was, and what she was doing was love for me. She didn't want any other girl to have me. She thought I would have dozens upon dozens of girlfriends growing up.

Let me just say I honestly didn't feel like I was treated special, because she said the same thing to my older brother... I remember watching her have her be on my ne time with him as well, and would feel jealous. Of course my sisters didn't care what she did as long as she got them food or water every once in awhile.

After a month of this happening she finally crossed the line with my brother first before she did with me... I didn't want to complain because I liked her a lot. If I were to compare her to a celebrity, I would say she resembles Ariana Grande the most but with her hair down. She was letting my brother like her privates, and she was licking his. Wondering what they were doing exactly, I asked if I could do the same. Little did I know she wanted me to watch my brother and her do that so she could do the same to me.

After having this go on for around a week she felt very conflicted once more, saying she could get into a lot of trouble for what she was doing, and told me she felt like taking her own life. I screamed at her and hit her on her arm with my weak kid arms stating I didn't want her to, I'd take my own life before she did. This stopped her from going down that dark path, but I don't know if it was successful. She crossed the line once more with me... then she stopped coming by as a babysitter as we got a new girl who hated kids, as the new replacement babysitter.

Even though after all that I felt betrayed and heartbroken, yet very worried about her and her depression from her moral dilemma.

As years went by, usually around Valentine's Day or cherry scented anything, I think about her a little bit, and how I hope that she didn't take her life for what she done. So, when it comes to being romantic or coming close to somebody, I have kept a distance, wondering if I was just a tool for pleasure and not actually loved.

This was during the time I hated girls, and I felt this solidified my thoughts on them until I met Alyssa, who I felt, genuinely cared about me.

One of things I noticed when growing up, was that I didn't of dozens upon dozens of girlfriends as the babysitter told me. This was due to my wonder and residual love for her.

I erased this person from my memories without realizing it for a long time because of the life threatening she stated to herself, and sexual trauma she has done to me.

If I was able to meet her again, I would tell her I forgave her, and to move with our lives. I feel that there is no use to being stuck in the past and blaming somebody/something for anything/everything at times. It is and exhausting and weak excuse for personal faults... I am still to this day trying to accept and trust more people around me. It is hard though, as trust issues have a hard time disappearing.

For one exception although, when I feel as I have given absolute trust from someone, I never let my trust issues get in my way. As I will gladly be able to have my back face them with no fear of a knife coming into my back.

Even with that train of thought, a knife still appears from those people once in awhile, but I stopped caring. I felt too much pain at young age to really be bothered by it when it happens. I remember crying myself to sleep for a good number of years into my pillow trying to stay quiet.

My biggest betrayer of course being my father with his promises he continuously breaks. How he preaches good behaviour as I emulate his bad behaviours. Then how he says he can do anything, yet I have to do nothing but his orders he gives. An absolute bullshit double standard I grew up with, and forever remember. The unfairness, the unjustified actions. Even yet, I am thankful for them. Why? I have a high tolerance for absurd behaviours from anybody, I continuously give out respect without putting in effort. I have to put in effort to be an asshole to somebody, which in a sense, I am thankful for. The main thing I am ungrateful for is the depression it has given me most of my life, but I have worked through it a lot. I am happy to be a survivor of depression, because technology has made amazing leaps in the past years, and entertainment has gotten more mind blowing. I am thankful to still be here.

Sorry about the heavy love and betrayal stuff journal, but this season makes me think about it often. Always want to leave on an uplifting feeling, and being thankful for existence makes me happy. Take care journal, until my next entry.