I want to run into a rabbit today, one that I can chase down the rows of people. I want there to be a massive explosion of motion and a sense that everyone has become one. That would be fun to be a part of, and if I am going to go, it can make up good film footage. A bit nervous. I haven't filmed in front of others that often. The attention is usually focused on me as I explain or explore any exciting topic at the time. Is it wrong that I am only here for the footage that I am going to get? I don't think this will push any boundaries of artistry. Still, it is something familiar, putting a camera on people who are out to have a good time with lots of drinks.

It pushes some people to go out of their comfort zone and be placed in a very stimulating situation. It can hurt many people, but we are going as a group, so we will have each other keep company if we are not feeling it. Then why did you come? If you were going to be like this, then go home. But those people help as well. I cut from someone doing shots to flipping into a table and breaking it to a person sitting by themselves and asking them how is it going and if they are enjoying this. It helps stop the moment and allows others to have some camera time. It is awkward but cute, so relatable to show those people. Yes, they are allowed to have screen time because of this. I almost feel bad that I will be filming it. I think there should be others that are recording their experience with us. Everyone will post it on there on pages. These are also moments that are interment with the fans—showing them how they are off-camera, filming it. What does this person I like watching look like when they are off blowing off steam?

I am taking my time to get ready. I woke up earlier than usual—couldn't sleep. The sun woke me up. I am not used to seeing the city this up high, and at night it looks soo pretty I needed to keep it open. It makes sense, of course, because you sleep with your eyes closed, but I got to wake up to the rising sun over the city, but of course, I didn't because I was facing the wrong way. Now I have been facing the mirror for most of the time, watching everyone’s videos one by one to have conversation topics. They are pretty funny and creative in their ways. It makes me happy to see that the number under their videos is intimidating. Still, I will try not to think of that. It ties to the image of the person, so when I meet them, I will have this air around them of being more significant than they are, that they are of more importance, which is true if you want to make yourself a career, you have to be careful of the giant whales swimming around. But then again, I am starting to think about them as only viewers, which I am more than that. I shouldn't act so fangirlish. Otherwise, they are going to lose respect for me and not invite me out next time. I can’t believe I have this opportunity. Opportunhave fun with a bunch of friends, yes. Not to grow and make a video out of it.

If it weren't for the people sleeping, I would have enjoyed watching some TV and videos being up this early. It makes me regret coming with other people. I am not even tired. I'm already dressed. Oh no. We are going to breakfast first. Oh no. I'm fully ready to go out for the night. I can’t go looking like this to breakfast. I Have to change.

I ended up getting ready at the same time as everyone else. I scrambled around the room and rummaged around the suitcase for the clothes I should've worn now. I drifted away, having the anxiety of the night taking over my waking moment. This is what happens when you don't wake up facing the sun. When I was changing in the bathroom, I heard noises coming from the room, meaning someone had woken up. I panicked and started the water on the shower and took a quick shower, ruining all my preparation from this morning. I didn't even think I hadn't gotten the right things out of my suitcase to take a bath. It was very awkward coming out of the shower. Now fully ready to leave, wearing clothes that make me uncomfortable, feeling all over the place with my morning being wasted, and having to start getting prepared other what about the club and human relations with the camera there? Yeah, I didn’t have any time to think about that—rush, rush, rush.

I feel better after breakfast. We are all packed into the car to take us to the club now. The day is over. Or just beginning what I was thinking about in the morning. I didn’t record what we ate even though it would have been an excellent introduction to the video by getting everyone’s faces that I would be with later that night noticed by the viewer and gotten them excited. Now there is the piece from this morning, and it will cut to the club. No one has their cameras out, and I think everyone will be mad if I start filming, but they understand because they do the same job as me. Starting it here will break the tone as well. The video would not have excited yet to have some funny discourse parts in it. The breakfast would have been an extension of the introduction in our rooms so that it would have worked, straight jumping in the car. It might work, but I don’t see it, so I’m going to stick with my gut. I should be able to introduce everyone in action. I think it changes the way I see this video, but I will start it with introductions in the hype of everything and then bring it to a climax. I don’t think anything like this will happen and that I am just going to be following everyone with a camera to their face. My anxiety was so high that I tried to map out a night out. I am not present, so the video will not be what’s in my mind. It might surprise me and be something else entirely and be good without my impact. Still, as the quality is out of my influence, the chances are as well.

I was better in the morning at breakfast. I wasn’t thinking about anything, about how bad my morning was going. I went down with that attitude, but as soon as someone on the table made me laugh with a joke, I followed that energy and that energy didn’t have any. I must make it look confident in the video; otherwise, it will not be good. I ate whilst being involved in other peoples videos and helping them out with their struggles with today. And took over a couple of videos. I’m regretting that too. Well, I’m glad that is hitting me at this moment as well. I am thankful for that. I can’t win today. I don’t want to say it, but I think I have to. I don’t want to record a video. If I do, I will be too stressed and not enjoying myself, which hurts a lot. I’m not going to be able to ride the wave. ‘Oh, I saw this person in that person’s video. Let me check them out. Oh, they haven’t posted about the night, too bad,’ and then they forget about me entirely.

Okay. I can focus on who I met, though. Dan and Tim came with me. They must be feeling even more fish out of the water to me. That is also what carried me this morning. If I weren’t there holding the line of conversation, they would be swallowed whole. Then I have to record. But they have grown men. When couldn’t they handle their own in social situations? I don’t need to protect them from feeling out of place. I shift in my seat, adjusting my jacket, and pushing my legs together to get comfortable, with four people in the back seat.

Bekas with me. I don’t want to talk about her, though. She gets along well with others. We didn’t speak before going down to breakfast. I don’t want to talk about her. I didn’t eat as much as I wanted to at breakfast. I will go less demanding on the alcohol because of this but, when does that statement ever come through, especially with friends.

Have I lost it, my edge, my will? Max talked about his future, and his plans for the future spoke about all the big projects he worked on and the companies that hired him. I don’t think I have lost it. Today is a bad day. If I look back at the days and count them up, they will add up to a hundred. To get back to my previous energy, I news to take it slow, and step by step, I ramp it up in each video. I make something huge. I should do another hunting video. Ghosts maybe. A return of the bigfoot, hunt. I should look up my source again and shake him for any information. The bigfoot tale carries on. I am at the highest point in my life right now. With people who are as successful as me doing the same thing, we are passionate about. Maybe this new me that has given up is what people would like to see, they wouldn’t want to see the jumpy m,e, but it calmed me down. If I was always nervous, I might become a better artist at the craft and sore to the clouds. ‘If you think like that, I can already tell that you are not going to make it.’ i want to crash down; I want to call mom. I want to go home and watch cartoon shows for the next month. And what is stopping me?

The decline of my income, the fall of my fame. Do I believe all that, or is that an industry secret? The reason for clicking on you. When you come back, will you be worse than you were before? This isn’t like tv. I wish it were like tv. Should I stop all this and focus on television and go towards that. And put these up for fun, then I will have my energy, my fiery passion, my love that came off of me. I don’t get it, nor do I understand the situation I am in. This is real life. Eating brunch breakfast with people I look up to and admire. I am a fan. I don’t belong here. What they do are leagues above mine. If this were a tv show, I would complain about how long the main character is down in the dumps. I would complain about the pale story. Is she ever going to stand up and start working to victory? Will everything be okay for her in the end? She will achieve number 1 status right. Well, I am where I wanted to be. I’ve climbed my way up and the ladder. The steps are now too far apart. I am not tall enough to climb any higher. So what can I do? I’m sure if I asked, they would feel the same way. I am scared. We are here, aren’t we. of course we are, of course, we are. My nails dig deep into my palms, I am clenching my jaw, and my face, if animated, would look like I was about to open the damn from the verge of tears, my eyes bulging, asking for help. Of course, they can’t see. It is dark, and everyone's on their phones. Where is the psychic when you need one?

I don’t want to talk to anyone, so I am here sitting alone. I am receiving and hitting back small talk, and I hope that is enough not to make them recognise that I am entirely out of it today. I pointed the camera to people here, but it was off. You know what would make a good shot, one of the ceiling, and maybe I could voice-over that and talk to people? I don’t think it will be any good watching material. But I like the idea that so much is going on at this moment, the amount of people trying to be funny and gather the centre of attention around them is causing some drama, and I think I can see it in one of their eyes, that they might have some self-awareness and recognise what is going on. All of this, all the dancing, all the people in their miniskirts and their dresses, you cannot do any of that, nor of the person on the poll, and the people in cages are hanging from the ceiling. Admittedly it would be a great shot. Of the multiple floors of the club, with the mass, if people centred around the dancefloor in the middle, with the DJ, 10 ft LED screens with girls in cages dancing on either side, with the shot having us and our table and rounded sofa of dark colour reflect and contrast the flashing white and colourful lights, the girl dancing on a pole, would be directly framing the left side of the camera, and following your eyes up you can see the people hanging off the edges or leaning over on the multiple floors. And in this madness, of course, each of our main characters is doing something, all trapped in some trouble of situation they have themselves stuck in. You have to point them out inside of the crowd of people they don’t stand out from. How cool, one at a time, they are all revealed to you, giving you the setting and the context of the shot, preparing you for everything that will happen. After a few seconds, you have me leaning over to the camera I had set up perfectly and asked everyone if they could shift to the ends of the sofa, so they don’t block it, and told the lady to please be mindful of the camera after I asked if she didn’t mind me doing this. Everything is set up, then I come in and introduce the scene to everyone. One by one, we are in close shots of the influencers around us and capturing them at their purest.

Now you are stuck with a black or navy ceiling with sparkling dots, with flashes of light as it transitions between each position. I do think I can make it work. Have this as the interview corner. I was thinking of cutting out the downtime persons in these vlogs, and I have become that, and only that, a complication of the downtime. I should begin. Perfect time and passed. I am moving a bit closer to a person. They left. Someone is coming over. Oh no, I’m not drinking. Another. Yeah, sure, I can look after this for you. No worries. I know I am the best.

“If I gave you two potatoes right now, and your objective was to cause the most damage, where would you throw them?”

So I did it. I ran it back all the way home and won back the day. I talked a bunch, accomplished a lot, anything good you can think of. I completed it all that day. Today. I think this will make me sleep easier. I’m in bed right now. I don’t need to be reminded of something that is going to make this day even worse. I know it isn’t wholly wrong. I just fell into a trapped habit or thought loop, or rabbit hole, something. And I wasn’t seen for hours, didn’t come up for air, didn’t ask the strangers for assistance, didn’t call and shout or use any advantages I might have had. I dived headfirst into a rabbit hole and acted like I was dead, working as nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed. And was protruding off the ground with my legs in the hair, and the earth ate my head and shoulders. So much time might have passed that they decided to make a statue of me for accommodation and recommendation to anyone who might see this as a warning like a child drowned in a foot of water. He could have stood up. And could have done this same. But now I was t it all to leave me alone. The day so far was alright, it captured most of my thoughts, and time with self, in moments, is different from time alone. I want to wake up tomorrow refreshed. I don’t want to be reminded of the night. Some things might have been taken out of context, but we had fun. I had fun now. Let me go to sleep. What about Beka? Don’t I want to talk to her? She is exhausted, but her mind works. Differently, she will pass out talking to me, and that is the only way she can say no, even though she did carry the night of drinks—best way to entertain, and when you are as unique as her.

Maybe forget about the night, and perhaps, I will be able to get a word in with her. She is gone, not here. Who am I talking to? The only things I have going on in my life are what I will watch tomorrow and eat. Those are the only problems in y life and perfectly described. My life. How simple is that? I am trapped in a Ferris wheel. I am at the top, and the machine is stuck. It might be me coming up with excuses to keep it stuck, but it is stuck, and I am away from the ground. What do you think matters most to a person in a metal box, hundred feet above the ground. What would you say to them, what do you think their thoughts would look, like, would they be free of the problems the life they have left the moment they went on the Ferris wheel there identity is left on the ground waiting to be retrieved and now that they are stuck on the wheel the feeling of being in the moment, away from life. What it feels like, I do not understand.