The whole thing was such a bad fucking idea, and yet… there Xi was, on the weekend, using his valuable fucking time to peep at Captain Jiong’s poisonous stream.

Poisonous, because from the very moment Xi navigated to @starmike’s profile page (and wouldn’t you know, his actual real name was Michael Star)… it was just a feeling Xi got, looking at the tidy structure, the desperately respectful fans rejoicing over a recent exhibition match win, praising endlessly. It was bitter and sweet, the beginning of the worst kind of jealousy, the kind that could neither be helped nor soothed.

You’re being irrational, Xi told himself. It’s his job to be popular; a rock would be popular as the Dom-V captain, okay? But he still felt jealous, even though a quick look through the VOD list was enough to tell him that their stream genres, and thus also their audiences, were diametrically opposed.

Xi streamed pretty much whenever he felt like it, only bothering to send reminders when he was going to miss a whole week or had planned a big event; Captain Mike Star streamed at a religiously uniform 5 PM every Saturday, rain or fucking shine. Xi diced up his VODs and tagged some on a whim and let the rest of them be; Captain Mike Star’s VODs were strictly organized and tagged and labelled to within an inch of their lives.

Captain Mike Star had a full staff of paid, unyielding mods. Captain Mike Star regularly hit the front page of the gaming genre when reviewing pro games from FOV and other eSports. Captain Mike Star was usually quite serious, and smiles from him were rare, kind and impersonal.

Xi had never felt so acutely unprofessional as he did tonight, his alternate ID lost in the heaving sea of ardent Starmen and Starwomen (the captain’s cringey but official fucking fan club names). It wasn’t the kind of stream he was into, but the organization, the smooth, regimented interplay between clips and plays and the captain’s warm-voiced, earnestly serious chatter, all of those things added up in a way Xi innately understood. It wasn’t the best pro-gaming stream, but it definitely wasn’t the worst either. It was probably the kind of thing kids and teens would brandish in their parents’ faces when being mocked about how unserious or unworthy their passion was.

Probably, Xi thought, enviously, this fucking jiongjiong can retire straight to streaming, broadcasting, commentating, and get another fucking dump truck of money unloaded all over him just like that. And, considering the carefully downplayed origins of Captain Star, and the fact that Star-nim looked strongly similar to the cherished firstborn of the Lavalle branch of the Star family of Star Global Enterprises… wasn’t this just definitely a case of the rich getting richer?

‘Illegitimate,’ was the worst thing the eSports tabloids could throw at Michael Star. Which said a lot, whether about Star-jiong-nim’s reliable and prudent nature, or his frightening ability to cover up his misdeeds, illegitimate Star or no.

The very worst thing was his voice. Warm, deep, and often just a bit hesitant, it was the kind of voice Xi could imagine himself getting helplessly hard to, and if he’d had just a little bit more self control, he wouldn’t have known. Wouldn’t have put himself in the humiliating position of thirsting for someone who was probably, no overwhelmingly likely to be straight, and also probably thirsting for his best friend.

Somehow, Janey’s blithe joke about only considering bothering with Captain Jiong due to his money just made the whole thing worse. Janey didn’t joke like that about anyone she had real interest in. Generally she just didn’t fucking mention the twisted shit she got up to with her willing slaves, because for all she liked to crack wise, she was also intensely private about that part of her life.

Competing with her over boys? That kind of thing had only happened back in the dark ages, when they were trapped with every other secondary school kid their age and bored out of their skulls and willing to try anything. After they got into karaoke, after Janey got noticed and hit it too big to be casual about anything, all that half joking, half earnest competitive sexual strife died out in a hurry.

[XiErXi]: take responsibility, ah

[jjcool]: eh? Why?? [blinking innocently]

[XiErXi]: at least tell me he can’t fxxing sing ah…

[jjcool]: ok, ok, as the cause of your suffering, I’ll be charitable

[jjcool]: I’ll let you off just this once

[XiErXi]: doesn’t that mean you just want me to suffer more ah

[XiErXi is refusing to listen!]

[jjcool]: surely you already know he’s a bit too perfect [smile]

[jjcool]: and that the results when these Serious Pro Gamer Boys get the urge to sing on stream are, how do I put it~

[XiErXi]: didn’t I tell you I don’t wanna know!!!!

[jjcool]: did I say he sang well?? All I’m saying is

[XiErXi is refusing to listen!]

[XiErXi is refusing to listen!]

[XiErXi is refusing to listen!]

…

…

[XiErXi is refusing to listen!]

[jjcool]: …ah? [forehead vein pop.jpg]

[jjcool]: spit on my charity, I spit on you~ [jiong-sings.vid]

[XiErXi]: QAQ

Somehow, he managed not to click on that particular, poisonous link immediately. Its presence haunted him just the same, the chat window notification refreshed every day without fail by an automatic [smile] emote from Janey, followed by the same damn link again.

Two weeks later—a month and a bit after the bun event—Xi finally gave in and watched the damn video.

To his relief, Captain Jiong wasn’t, ahem, precisely the best singer. He could hold a tune, just, but giving it life or meaning was another story.

However…

[XiErXi]: *bitterly* even his so-so singing is cute

[XiErXi]: fuck this fucking…

[jjcool]: [smirk] [smirk] [smirk]

Naturally, Xi recovered.

It wasn’t permanent or instant or really any sort of praiseworthy improvement, just his hard-earned years of experience in dancing on while his heart wasn’t really in it. Two weeks, he told himself. Two weeks, no, four, and you’ll feel better.

Pathetic as it felt to be making that kind of half-bargaining, half-cringing promise with himself, Xi knew himself too well to feel too bad about it. Just how many times had it been, ah, that he’d fallen a little too hard for someone’s face?

Yes, make no mistake, though MrJiong or starmike or whoever the fuck he was wasn’t all that good-looking, Xi’s uneasy, hopeful, lustful feelings towards him were based strictly on his external appearance! Two really quite bad experiences with people that initially seemed to be pleasant and easy to deal with had taught him very, very, very well that the appearance of a person could have less than nothing to do with what they were really like to you when everyone had gone home and it was just you and him left to clean up the post-party mess.

Xi had been hit once, and had stayed, shell-shocked, hanging onto the knotted mess of that relationship for almost a month. He’d been at a low point, having just graduated and officially put away all thoughts of living primarily on the money he could make from hardcore karaoke streaming, and it had taken Janey showing up from out of the blue for him to realize just how bad he felt. He’d smiled and laughed and burned brightly opposite her all night, ignoring the dark looks from Cameron, and in the end, when they were back home and screaming at each other, he’d realized that what he envied when he saw Janey wasn’t her career as a pop star, or the fact that her risky bets had paid off.

It was the fact that, tired and thin as she looked, she’d had a careless ease about her, an ease she’d nearly always had while they were growing up. They’d been best friends since they could walk because they were both so shameless; seeing her had driven home just how much Xi had shed that careless confidence, and made him understand that he could no longer endure.

Cameron had hit him again that night, but it had no longer felt like the end of the world. Xi had bit the inside of his lip, gathered up his wavering courage, and moved out that same night. You’re gonna go out looking like that? Cam had asked, his tone mocking as ever. And instead of flinching, Xi had just smiled and left. After all, what point was there in living life if he couldn’t just shamelessly do as he pleased?

So. Xi went on streaming. He allowed himself one—alright, two peeks a day at Captain Jiong’s main account’s activities, and of course he let his filthy imagination run wild while he wanked, but that was it. He didn’t bother trying to restart their once again dormant private chat; he didn’t bother reaching out to MrJiong in any way that would be out of the ordinary for a streamer and their big-spending subscriber.

Sadly, that didn’t mean that certain pesky unrelated people wouldn’t take the initiative to stir up trouble.

[mayuuu]: um, Xi-sunbae-nim, can i ask

[XiErXi]: denied.

[mayuuu]: …I haven’t even asked!! QAQ

[XiErXi]: don’t be cute, spit it out

[mayuuu]: it’s just, have you sent anything lately? To Claire?

[XiErXi]: no?

[XiErXi]: it’s been what, two, three weeks since I sent caramels, right?

[mayuuu]: yeah, but

[XiErXi]: I’m testing recipes right now, too. She won’t die if she has to wait a couple more days, will she?

[mayuuu]: …no

[XiErXi]: is that all? I’ve got to check on my meringues

[mayuuu]: i’ll wait, check them~ check them~

[XiErXi]: don’t you fucking succumb too. Aren’t you on Swearie’s side, how can you use those fucking tildes??

[mayuuu]: …sorry T_T

These days, the tilde infestation had so thoroughly taken root in the chatroom of Xi’s sweet, spicy home that even Xi himself had to use them occasionally to not be seen as churlish. Forced to use them to blend in in his own fucking base, while receiving only angry frothing from Claire and unfulfilled lust as his rewards, how could he not be angry?

Though, well, hadn’t Claire been a bit less chatty lately? Not that he wanted to hear, for the fiftieth time, just how much of a deceiver and tyrant Captain Jiong was, but… oh wait, the regular season for FOV had kicked in a couple weeks ago, that was probably it. And though swearmouse had always lurked his chatroom in the evenings even while she was neck-deep in the gruelling schedule of the team’s training camp, it wasn’t completely surprising that she’d have even less time to do that now that she was on the team for real.

[XiErXi]: @swair how’s the season starting off for you guys?

[User swair is currently offline]

[XiErXi]: huh?? @mayuuu, why the fuck is Swearie offline so early?

[mayuuu]: T-T

[mayuuu]: why’d you think i asked about whether you sent the goods??? Dom-V lost two out of three of their opening matches!!!!!!!

[mayuuu]: Claire played in the last one they lost!!!!!!!!!

[XiErXi]: oh, hell

[mayuuu]: so quickly f***ing send something ok!!!!!!

Luckily, Xi hadn’t planned on streaming today, so he had the leisure to mourn his slightly cracked meringues even as he scoured his fridge and pantry for ideas about what to send. Though of course that didn’t mean he couldn’t dig into things a bit with Mayumi, for whom this situation seemed to be the last straw.

[mayuuu]: she won’t even pick up my calls

[mayuuu]: she’s getting flamed so bad, i’m scared

[XiErXi]: but, but, what about the match footage? Like was she crying??

[mayuuu]: would i be this worried if she’s the type to f**kin cry!!!!

[mayuuu]: she never cries in front of me! How would she cry on

[mayuuu]: on a fucking pro match stream!!!!

[XiErXi]: ok, ok, it looks like I can stretch to a full batch of cupcakes, thank fucking god

[mayuuu]: don’t ice them

[XiErXi]: ah? Why??

[mayuuu]: team nutritionist mad at her already

[mayuuu]: since way before all this

Xi couldn’t help but pause to pinch the bridge of his nose. This was exactly why he usually went to Mayumi whenever he was worried about Claire, but hearing this unwelcome news, on top of everything else, was just…

[XiErXi]: why didn’t you tell me?

[mayuuu]: ……QAQ

[XiErXi]: should I only take over a smaller set for her? I can’t imagine how much aggro I built up by sending all those sweets

[mayuuu]: no no nono it’ll look even worse if you only send them to her

[mayuuu]: they all hide to eat it anyway, it’s just

[mayuuu]: you might not wanna deliver through the front door…? [sweats]

[XiErXi]: who the f said I’d deliver this?? Don’t you exist???

[mayuuu]: you…

[mayuuu]: why would I ask for fuckin help delivering if there wasn’t something on my end????

[mayuuu]: would I bother asking you?? Mr BIG BAD FXKIN MOOD???!

[mayuuu]: this is why i didn’t say anything from the start!!

[XiErXi]: ah…? But I’m not in a bad mood

[mayuuu]: YES !

[mayuuu]: YOU !

[mayuuu]: ARE !

[mayuuu]: got essays due tomorrow so I’m sorry, but, if it’s getting them to her tonight or tomorrow you’ll have to think of a way

[mayuuu]: I could do Saturday but that’s their next game…

[XiErXi]: fine fine i’ll fucking go

[XiErXi]: sorry, ok?

[mayuuu]: …

[mayuuu]: you better send me something too. or else.

[XiErXi]: …have I been that bad?

[mayuuu]: it doesn’t really show on stream, but… yeah

[XiErXi]: …

[XiErXi]: fuck

Annoyed at himself, at Mayumi, at Claire, at his stream, at the whole fucking world, Xi would have very much loved to be able to take it all out by pummelling the shit out of some dough. Alas that the cupcakes he was making required nothing more than a short bit of creaming and folding to get everything together; he stretched things out by doing it all manually, but it didn’t feel like enough.

[XiErXi]: I’m icing them

[mayuuu]: !!

[XiErXi]: they’re sneaking them, I’m gonna have to sneak them in, why fucking bother if they’ll just be plain

[mayuuu]: but, but, if you guys are caught

[XiErXi]: don’t we have an iron-clad way in? With that fucking jiong?

[mayuuu]: !

[XiErXi]: already pinged him, now waiting to hear back

[XiErXi]: in case he doesn’t reply, do you know anyone else over there to

[XiErXi]: nvm, he’s on, one sec

And so there was new activity in the once-barren private chatroom he shared with MrJiong, as if the month and a bit of fraught, awkward silence had never occurred.

[MrJiong]: won’t coming all the way out that early be a hassle? Doesn’t God Xi-er have work?

[XiErXi]: I work remote most of the time, it’ll be fine

[XiErXi]: just to confirm, it’s this ?

[MrJiong]: that’s it~ that’s it~

This fucking guy… With just four words! A complete and utter destruction!! Every bit of the half-guilty anticipation Xi had been feeling about his being forced by circumstance to parade himself before his current, embarrassing obsession drained away.

[XiErXi]: didn’t you guys just lose a game?

[MrJiong]: cake will heal~ cake will heal~

[XiErXi]: …haha

“If he’s at all like this in person,” Xi couldn’t help but sneer, “what kind of crush won’t just disappear the moment he opens his mouth…” Already, what there was of his crush was sort of withering in the merciless light of reality.

Just what had been the point of Xi maintaining his distance? Closeness to the jiong was exactly what he needed to correct his sickness!!

[XiErXi]: team allergies I need to know about?

[MrJiong]: God Xi uses the standard flour blend, right? If so, then nope~ nope~

[XiErXi]: hahaha

That he had for even one moment cared whether or not this guy was just dying to get his heart trampled on by Janey… wasn’t it a fucking disgrace?

The next day dawned grey and dour and cloudy, i.e. the usual joyous spring ambiance of Westhope City. Xi, cursing the impulse that had led him to promise a noon sharp arrival, did his best to hurry through his morning routine so he could knock out as many account reviews as he could before he had to head out.

To his surprise and relief, Claire was online, though very obviously in just the kind of spirits that would have prompted Xi to rush to send out a care package as soon as he heard her low, somewhat hoarse voice over link. “It’s like Dad always says,” she murmured, when he very carefully asked about how things were going with the team, “life sucks sometimes, and you get over it.”

She didn’t sound over it; she sounded tired and sad and just a little fragile. But underneath it was her usual dogged refusal to quit, which was why Xi didn’t push to have her try to sneak out to meet him at the cafe along with her captain. “I’ve marked the cupcakes with extra filling,” was all he said, in the end. “You’ll know it when you see it.”

“Noughts and crosses?”

“Nope,” Xi said, delighted to hear the interest in her formerly tired tone. “Like I said, you’ll know it when you see it.” It’d probably take her all of two seconds to figure out that the cupcakes he’d marked with white hearts were the ones without extra filling, but at least she’d have a little puzzle to look forward to, something light and simple and easy to solve. “When do I get to come out and see you, like, officially, huh? You asked Mayu, and she’s hardly family…”

Naturally that ended up detouring into a passionate explanation of just why Mayu was in her own separate category compared to anyone else in Claire’s life, and how deeply annoying it was that everyone assumed they were related or just really, really good friends, when Mayu was love and Mayu was life. Though of course Claire would never say something so directly embarrassing.

“…mid-season break, huh? Yeah, that’ll work.” Xi paused mid-way through a review note to flip through his calendar. “Shit, I could make a whole thing of it, do a whole event. The K bars on your side of town are just in a whole other league from what we’ve got out here…”

Hours later, Xi’s idle suggestion was starting to take on a life of it’s own. He’d used to live out here, not quite Canalside, but close, and Haeguk square was a legendary spot for karaoke nerds and streamers to hang out. Every bar that let out onto that square could boast of at least one mega-famous group that had blown up there; the historic backdrop would be enough of a draw for his stream on it’s own to make it worth the trip up.

“No pre-baked prizes though,” Xi muttered, shaking one slightly cramping hand. “Just getting everything up to the bloody location would wipe me out.” The walk from the station to Wild Rose Cafe hadn’t looked very long on the map, but doing that walk in the lunchtime rush while schlepping a large, heavy, double-layered cake box had very nearly sapped Xi of all his strength. “How the fuck I ever used to do this every weekend…”

“Excuse me? Uh, Mr. Xi?”

“Hmm?” Somehow, though Xi had been, if not prepared, then at least deeply aware of the effect Captain Jiong—no, Captain Mike Star might have on him when they met in person, the difference between his imagination and reality in this case was just too shocking. “Uhh…”

“It’s me, Jiong,” the tall, neatly dressed person hovering at the side of Xi’s cafe table said, his smooth voice as unruffled as if he had introduced himself by his real name. “Sorry I’m late.”

Captain Star had a nondescript hoodie and a baseball cap on, and had both hood and cap arranged so that his face was shielded from casual glances. He seemed much larger in person than he had on his calm, regimented stream VODs. As he sat down opposite Xi, the chair he was using creaked, and his pale, strong-looking hands pushed the cake box a little to one side. “Wow, is this all for us?”

“Yep,” Xi said, brightly, now even more determined to keep this meeting short and quick. Captain Star was smiling kindly at him, and he had a slight four o’clock shadow, and it was obvious even when they were both sitting down that he was taller than Xi. As he moved to sit down, he’d left just a hint of his scent in the air, something faint and fresh that Xi knew, just knew would be featuring in his next wank no matter how much rotten meng was sold to his face in this ill-fated meeting. “Don’t worry about how to get the box back to me, okay? Swearie can just send it like she always does.”

“You really call her that, huh?” Captain Star was still smiling, and Xi couldn’t look away. “Hard to believe you aren’t really cousins.”

“Oh, it’s just, you know, our families were close growing up,” Xi said, though he knew he didn’t really need to explain. “We weren’t quite neighbours, but almost as good as. If I remember right, she was my… my second? Right, my second paid sub.”

“And your first?”

“Janey, her older sister. Best friends since we were in nappies, but she really didn’t stick around for long, and whenever I’d complain she’d tell me it was for the best, and that any proper streamer would want their subs to be as free as possible of even the appearance of nepotism.”

“And the real reason?”

“She chooses a one-month sub, and she never renews,” Xi said, shrugging, hating himself for basking in the slight, wry curve that Captain Star’s mouth had just taken on. It wasn’t a smile, it was better. It was almost a smirk. “You know how minimal Forest alerts are, well, she’s the type of person that only responds to the precise opposite. Needs five reminders and bold, screaming font to even remember a subscription exists.”

“Ah,” Captain Star said, nodding sagely. “Is it okay if I, um, if I take a look at…?”

“Oh, yeah, go ahead,” was Xi’s blithe, inwardly mortified answer. Hadn’t he meant to cut this fucking meeting short? Hadn’t he seen the captain’s hands stroking the sides of the cake box, clearly signalling the unconscious desire to open up the opaque cover to peep at the treasures within? What if, instead of contenting himself with eyeing the cupcakes, this Captain fucking Star decided to torture Xi by actually eating one and moaning in delight…?? “Did I make too many?”

“Definitely not,” was the low, very nearly reverent answer. “This… it sort of smells like coffee…?”

“It’s a coffee and chocolate ganache topping,” Xi said, taking entirely too much pleasure in the way that made the captain’s eyebrows rise. “Which is much less complex than it sounds, but still delicious.”

“Esposito’s favourite?”

“Not her favourite, a favourite. And hopefully it’s something everyone will like. Bit of a morale booster.”

“Well, it’s appreciated,” Captain Star said, as he slowly replaced the cover. “It’s really nice of you to have taken the time to bring this over, you know, rearranging your schedule…”

“Oh it’s fine,” Xi said, waving one hand, half glad and half chagrined that it was the captain who had turned the conversation towards the stage of mutual thanks leading up to polite separation. “Anything for my favourite non-cousin in her time of need.”

Smiling, the captain began to shift back and rise from his chair, so Xi, also smiling, mirrored him. They didn’t say much of a goodbye, either, exchanging brisk handshakes and murmurs of how they’d better be getting back to it, and then Xi was squeezing his way out of the increasingly crowded cafe while feeling dazzled and hungry and just a little sad.

Naturally, the moment he was back on the subway, half an hour since the fated meeting and about twenty minutes since he’d consumed the wilted sandwich he’d picked up at the cafe and then utterly forgot once he had Captain Jiong-but-really-Star in front of him, Xi took his grievances to private chat.

[XiErXi]: against the motherfxxing heavens!!!!!

[XiErXi]: what right does that jiong FUCK have to be that fuckin hot in person QAQ

[XiErXi]: how to let this cursed crush die now ah……

When Janey didn’t respond, Xi simply sighed and switched his attention to the hard-nosed negotiations he’d kicked off with one of his old hangouts on Haeguk Square for the exclusive use of one of their decent-sized private rooms. By the time there was a response, he was already down to wheedling out as many extras as possible, and so didn’t bother to check the chat until he’d squeezed off at the station near his flat.

Possibly, that was a good thing, because the moment he opened the chat, he lost a good five or ten minutes just standing stock still on the station platform, wishing from the bottom of his heart that he had seen it all wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!!!!

[MrJiong]: O_O!

[MrJiong]: a crush…?