Surprisingly, though the foul-mouthed prediction Mayumi made in attempt to comfort Claire was not meant to be, two weeks after the so-called ‘Big Bun Bash’, swearmouse and the newly renamed CptJiong seemed to have come to some sort of armed standoff.

Swearmouse didn’t swear much at all while she and Jiong were both in the chat; instead, she communicated by way of complex emotes and one- or two-syllable replies that made her sound like an overdramatic high society madam two times her actual age. Jiong continued his little quirk of doubling whatever words or phrases he said in chat, but was noticeably quieter whenever swearmouse was online too.

When asked what had happened to bring about the standoff, Claire didn’t have much to say.

[swair]: we both agreed we got off on the wrong foot a bit

[swair]: still a rich f*** but

[swair]: idk i can work with him i guess

[XiErXi]: oh yeah? That’s good…

Suspicious, Xi naturally went to his other, super-reliable swearmouse-related news source:

[XiErXi]: so in the end wtf happened with Swearie and the captain? @mayuuu

[mayuuu]: actually… met the jiong the other day.

[XiErXi]: O_O

[XiErXi]: really???

[mayuuu]: yeah, they had a family team visit day or whatever

[mayuuu]: and, and jiong was kinda, idk, nice???

[XiErXi]: O_O!

[mayuuu]: I had this image of him as like, y’know

[mayuuu]: that kind of gamer, y’know?

[mayuuu]: but like, he’s, in person he seems way more reliable? It’s obvious he’s been around the block as a pro

[mayuuu]: did you know he used to play Hallows?

Xi couldn’t help but roll his eyes, hearing that. How the fuck would he know what dear, reliable Captain Jiong used to play back in the day? He didn’t even know the guy’s real screenname!

[mayuuu]: anyway i’m pretty sure he’s kind of trying to get Dom-V a championship this year or next

[mayuuu]: before he retires to coaching or whatev

[XiErXi]: wait, wait, retire?? Isn’t he their new captain?

[mayuuu]: he was the vice captain before

[XiErXi]: …ah, i see

Xi, momentarily confused, actually went to the trouble of looking up his chatlog with Jiong, just to confirm that he wasn’t hallucinating having been told about poor sweet Captain Jiong being ruinously new to his new post of responsibility. Sure enough:

[MrJiong]: you could say it’s like, for team unity?? I’m the captain this year, and I’m new, so I worry a lot…

[XiErXi]: so he’s not really new to the responsibility huh

[mayuuu]: no, well, it’s still different, isn’t it?

[mayuuu]: that feeling of the buck stopping with just you??

[XiErXi]: …right, hahaha

Right, your mother!! How the fuck were those two positions not similar? Just how were they different exactly, especially for a pro player that had been switching teams and games all the way back since Hallows was really big? That was almost ten years ago!

[XiErXi]: how did the rest of the team visit go, apart from meeting him?

[mayuuu]: omg the facilities were rly nice!

[mayuuu]: sweardad was like, turning his nose up and stuff but you could see he was happy

[XiErXi]: did Janey go? I know she just got off tour

[mayuuu]: yeah! Came by at the last minute

[mayuuu]: far as I could tell, she really liked it too [smile]

[XiErXi]: huh. Well that’s all really good to hear [smile]

Fuck, Xi thought, in the end, how many fucking people do I need to talk to to get the real story on that guy? Still, he steeled himself and opened up his decades-old chatroom with Janey. As his best friend, and Claire’s eternal scourge of an older sister, Janey was the least likely to mince words about whatever had happened. With her, Xi could dispense with all formalities and just ask what he wanted to know:

[XiErXi]: the fuck kind of drugs is that captain jiong selling? @jjcool

[XiErXi]: how the fuck did he swindle all y’all into likin him huh??

It took Janey something like half an hour to respond, by which time Xi was winding down from his last read through his work messages, and starting to think about setup for tonight’s stream. Naturally, when she did respond, it explained everything:

[jjcool]: shared out extra buns

[XiErXi]: …

[XiErXi]: …

[XiErXi]: …

[XiErXi]: FUCK!

[jjcool]: u wanted to know [wink]

[XiErXi]: hahahahah fuck.

[XiErXi]: see if i send those two fucking girls anything this month. Just see

[XiErXi]: would they bow down for jack the goddamn ripper if he offered them baked goods?? Just, what???

The worst thing about this power move of Captain Share-and-share-alike Jiong was that, despite having learned the real way he’d won over Claire, and therefore also Mayumi, Xi couldn’t say anything against him. It’d just look like he was being unnecessarily suspicious. Close-hearted, petty, and mean.

With anyone else, anyone less connected to those he cared about, Xi wouldn’t have minded dirtying his saintly image just a bit; what was the point of being an independent adult if you couldn’t cruelly and unilaterally decide who to cut out of your circle for arbitrary crimes? Or if not cut out, then, then pointedly and passively exclude… shit.

Shit. Even when Xi thought about it from the angle of, well what if Captain wasn’t the fucking Captain, he couldn’t see any way that he could justify giving the guy the cold shoulder. When even swearmouse was willing to (however reluctantly) live and let live, what basis did Xi have for being cold to the guy? None! That’s right, none!

And the worst thing was, no matter how long Xi’s petty dislike of the whitewashed CptJiong endured, he couldn’t seem to find anything to support it.

CptJiong’s behaviour while Xi was streaming? Mildly embarrassing, sure, what healthy 25- or 26-year-old pro-gamer was so persistently cutesy in someone else’s chat, but… it wasn’t excessive.

CptJiong’s propensity for tossing money around like it was going out of style? Certainly it caused one or two of Xi’s more senior fans some bitterness and/or heartache, but let’s be real, that sort of covert competition was good for his wallet in the end, right? So that was out too, as a cast-iron reason for Xi to be annoyed.

For fuck’s sake, even though the guy now knew Xi’s global chat screenname, and had the excuse that well, they’d spoken before a bit, even if it was mostly Xi warning him to chill out during an event, well… was this really the behaviour of a guy that was supposedly head over heels hot for Xi? Since the day of the event, that Jiong fucker hadn’t messaged him in private at all! Not even once!

> Xi-er-is-Xi-er: hey guys!

> Fan ZZ: omo1, early GET!

> Xmyheart: wow! an early Xi-er!!

> Xi-er-is-Xi-er: song requests~? song requests~?

> Fan B: !!

> Fan B: did I see wrong? OwO

> Fan C: my god, the jiong~ jiong~ is spreading!!! No!!

> jjcool: what’s jiong jiong?

> CptJiong: *appears in a flash*

> CptJiong: you called~? you called~?

> swearmouse: …seriously?

> [swearmouse is greatly disturbed]

> Xi-er-is-Xi-er: I’m repenting now, haha.

> Xi-er-is-Xi-er: song requests?

As the votes poured in, Xi poked through his fridge, half his attention on its contents, and the other half on the chat. He didn’t like the increasing sense of irritation he felt at the fact that his parodying Jiong’s quirk didn’t really net much in the way of replies from the actual guy, or, for that matter, from anyone other than Claire.

[swair]: why the ever loving f*** are you encouraging him!!

[swair]: you don’t know how he’s f**king smiling rn!!! [barf] [ill] [gross.jpg]

[XiErXi]: …you’re sitting next to him?

[swair]: …no!!

[swair]: but team r all watching the stream at dinner now QAQ

[swair]: he smiles when cam goes back to u!! ARGH

[swair]: so f***ing embarrassing i could die

[XiErXi]: haha, I’ll be careful then~

Closing the chat, Xi tried and failed to keep back a smile. It wasn’t until he was halfway through applying a simple marinade to the meat he was planning to grill that he realized the true, somewhat mortifying reason he was smiling so much right now, but even that didn’t manage to kill his mood.

Fuck, so I’m still this fucking fickle? he thought. Xi-er, you narcissistic trash, what’s so good about being liked by some guy you don’t even fucking know or trust… “Hm, hm, you guys’ suggestions aren’t half bad.”

> Fan C: …but? I hear a but??

> jjcool: ahaha 500 crystal says i guess the song he does

> CptJiong: hmmm~ hmmm~

> CptJiong: let’s bet~ let’s bet~

> jjcool: [JJ’s evil laughter.wav]

> jjcool: let me tell you, that’s the sound of this shijie2 counting your money in advance~

> CptJiong: no~ no~

> CptJiong: actually~ that’s the sound of your crystal coming to me~

> Fan ZZ: jiong-hyung-ah, no!! That’s a deep fuckin well!

> Xmyheart: omg, right? jjcool’s knowledge of our Xi-er is too frightening!

> Fan ZZ: Your crystal ah, you’ll donate it ah

> CptJiong: eh, but…

> swearmouse: captain, have some pride!! my god!

Grinning now, Xi moved over to the sink to clean his hands. “I’d suggest never taking bets from old JJ in this channel,” he murmured. “But hey, it’s your money. Do what you want.”

> CptJiong has crossed gazes with jjcool! A wager is afoot!

> Fan ZZ: wtf

> Fan A: jiong-hyung, jiong-hyung, if you want to spend that badly you can just give it all to laozi3

> jjcool gives vent to a spirited laugh! Their wager is:

> CptJiong gives vent to a mocking laugh! Their wager is:

> swearmouse: this… this guy… [pained sigh]

> Xi-er-is-smiling: you see their bets, urakilla?

> mod_urakilla: yup~ yup~

> mod_urakilla: seen~ seen~

> Fan C: jiong~ jiong~ spreading QAQ

> Fan B beseeches the heavens on behalf of this channel! Their message: let’s all say NO!! to 囧囧 disease

> CptJiong: but, didn’t you just spend to say that?

> CptJiong: ahaha, it’s catching on~ catching~

More people chimed in, but Xi ignored them in favour of setting up his grill on the cramped patio of his flat. By now, the meat was safely marinading in the fridge; he had time in spades to sing while doing the rest of the easy, attention-light prep. “Are you guys done fighting? Can I sing yet?”

> Fan ZZ: Sing~! Sing~!

> swearmouse: ZZ, why…

> [Fan B is begging Xi-er-is-smiling to wash away the filth from this channel!]

> CptJiong: wash us~ wash us~

Singing like this, to this handful of quarrelling people, all while prepping vegetables to grill and shuttling back and forth between the kitchen and the patio… it was exactly the sort of thing Xi had kept his stream up for. Annoying as it was to keep track of his streaming hours, or soothe ruffled feathers, or do the thousand little tasks he couldn’t leave to the mods or to anyone else, it was all worth it for moments like this.

It didn’t hurt that, just like usual, Janey had picked out almost exactly the song that was on his mind. She got the artist wrong—it was a cover of a cover of a cover—but she’d had only one pick in comparison to CptJiong’s wildly disparate three, all of which were in Xi’s favourite genre (smart) but were clearly still wild guesses (not smart).

> Jiong-is-囧囧: how does one find the heart to go on?

> Jiong-is-囧囧: my crystal~ oh crystal~

> swearmouse: you!!!!!

> swearmouse: how the f*#k are you even sad?! It’s 500 what’s 500 even to you, isn’t that just the spare change in your motherf***ing wallet?

Claire’s rage continued in private:

[swair]: don’t be f**king fooled! This guy still fx$kin smilin like a f*** here!!

[swair]: probably wipes ass with 500 crystal on the reg, what sad, what a f*%*

Xi had been very careful not to play too much to the camera tonight, but Claire’s helpless fury kept giving him wicked ideas. It would be so easy, and so in character for him, to turn to eye the camera and shake his head in either mock sadness or disapproval, and say something like “you see now, honey? That’s why you don’t bet with JJ in here.”

But Xi hadn’t kept his modest count of almost a hundred core monthly subscribers going over the last four years by failing to consider his audience, and, if Claire wasn’t exaggerating, if she wasn’t bullshitting him, his audience tonight wasn’t just the usual crowd. It was her team, possibly her team’s support staff, all or most of them the sort of hardcore gaming nerds that weren’t used to obvious flirtatiousness on stream. Or, at least, not used to watching that sort of thing in public, with your fellow fucking co-workers right there to see how jazzed you were getting from watching some random fat guy bat his eyelashes in your direction.

> Xi-er: ah, what a shame [tear]

> Xi-er: one more song before grill-off, okay? Vote up!

> Xi-er has called for a vote!

> CptJiongRestored: ah~ ah~ so merciful ah~

> [CptJiongRestored has cast a vote for by !]

> [Fan B has cast a vote for by !]

> Fan B: an encore!! An encore from our Xi-er!!

> CptJiongRestored: ah?? why not something new??

> [jjcool supports Fan B’s vote with a vote of their own!]

> swearmouse: haha. [cold smile]

> [swearmouse supports Fan B’s vote with a vote of their own!]

> Jiong-囧囧-again: this… [sweats]

> Jiong-囧囧-again: why bully only me QAQ

So poor Jiong’s fate was settled just like that. No one spared him; even the silent majority flooded in to upvote the encore, some just leaving behind a vague ‘haha’, others taking the initiative to point and laugh via expressions. But of course, the most deliberate offender was Janey, who ruthlessly spent every crystal she had just won off Jiong’s back:

> [jjcool supports Fan B’s vote with an extra vote of their own! (10 crystal spent!)]

> [jjcool supports Fan B’s vote with an extra vote of their own! (10 crystal spent!)]

> [jjcool supports Fan B’s vote with an extra vote of their own! (10 crystal spent!)]

> …

> [jjcool supports Fan B’s vote with an extra vote of their own! (10 crystal spent!)]

> Jiong-囧囧-again: QAQ

> Xi-er: *pats Jiong* don’t be too sad ok?

> Xi-er: think of it like you bought a personal song, maybe?

> Fan ZZ: hahahahah that’s our Xi-er~ cruel to be kind ah~

> Jiong-囧囧-again: OwO personal songs??? Can I buy??

> swearmouse: not for sale, sorry [smile]

> Jiong-囧囧-again: 囧囧

Thankfully no one seemed to think much of Xi’s ham-handed attempt at offering comfort, at least not the way he personally thought of it, not two seconds after sending those two messages. Fuck, he thought, even as he started to sing, I’m actually… how the fuck am I feeling sorry for him??

Still, no matter how much he mocked himself, and no matter how tasty his grilled beef and vegetable wraps were (extremely tasty), Xi couldn’t quite shake the feeling of having—slightly, just very, very slightly—wronged the captain. It wasn’t the amount that mattered; it was the way it had been taken. The way that Xi had admittedly helped along, just a bit, because there was no better goad to a streaming whale than to gently warn them off of spending too much.

“It’s for Claire’s sake,” Xi told himself, something like an hour and a half after he’d shut down and cleaned up everything and noodled around while feeling a mix of guilt and annoyance. “I’ll just clear the air, that’s it.”

And then, before he could think twice of his resolve:

[XiErXi]: @MrJiong here’s the crystal you lost tonight

[XiErXi has gifted MrJiong 500 crystal coins!]

[MrJiong]: ehhhhhhh?? God is still up? OwO

[XiErXi]: …haha, yup

As expected… this cutesy fucking Jiong captain fuck wasn’t easy to communicate with.

[MrJiong]: QAQ god Xi-er’s mercy!!!

[MrJiong]: is it really okay to receive this??

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong already got a personal song too…

Xi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He could easily imagine how Claire would blow up on seeing such drivel, jiongjiong, who the actual fuck was that? Just who was it that gave this trash permission to sell this disgusting half-baked meng4?

[XiErXi]: haha… it’s really okay

It wasn’t, but Xi could hardly take back the fucking crystal now, could he? That would just be slapping his own face5, and in front of this guy, too…

[XiErXi]: it’s standard policy tbh. JJ’s a good friend, she’s just kind of mean

[XiErXi]: been a long time since I had a big shot who hadn’t already lurked long enough to know to ignore her lol

[MrJiong]: ohh ohhh ohhhh ok, makes sense

[XiErXi]: yeah, I’m really sorry [bows]

[MrJiong]: ah no ah, how can I let god Xi-er apologize!! I should have been more sensible!

Okay, at least he’d dropped the bullshit third person. Time to wrap this up.

[XiErXi]: it’s fine ah, you’re still my customer, you know? Naturally I should apologize, make amends etc

[MrJiong]: still…

[XiErXi]: [shakes head resolutely]

[XiErXi]: anyway I just wanted to make sure that you know you’re still welcome in the room, everyone teases a lot but it’s all in fun

[XiErXi]: just ignore JJ’s poison bets lol, girl really knows me way too well

[MrJiong]: ah, ah, will ignore ah, but

[MrJiong]: um… how to ask…

Uh-oh.

[XiErXi]: ask what?

[MrJiong]: is it like that? Like…?

[XiErXi]: …like what?

[MrJiong]: dating, maybe? You and her?

Uhh…

[XiErXi]: no

The question, though familiar, was so very fucking old and, and ridiculous, that Xi found himself doing the absolute opposite of what he’d learned to do to keep pushy fans at bay, and answering bluntly.

[XiErXi]: JJ and I aren’t like that. Just good friends, that’s all

[MrJiong]: oh! Um…

[XiErXi]: look, this is getting a bit

[MrJiong]: 囧囧囧

“Come the fuck on, really? Really?” Xi couldn’t help but struggle to sit up, unable to believe—okay, able to believe, stupidly, regrettably able to believe that at a time like this, with the awkwardness level of their once somewhat sensible private chat reaching over a thousand, this guy! This guy made a fucking jiongjiong pun!!!

[XiErXi]: @jjcool just how the fuck is this captain reliable???

[jjcool]: ?

[XiErXi]: apologizing for you! Fucker says ah, but jiongjiong got a personal song~

[XiErXi]: trying to sign off in good faith! Fucker says ah, is JJ your girlfriend ah~

[jjcool]: …serious?

[XiErXi]: having just lost my mind and said no, she’s not! Trying to sever!! Fucker says fucking 囧囧囧!!!!

[jjcool]: transcript?

[jjcool]: [salivates]

[XiErXi]: fuck your transcript ah!! Does this guy look like some fxxing idol, how does he deceive people to make them call him reliable!! Does anyone actually read his fucking words!!!!!!

At the same time, the window of that deceiver was spitting up a sad stream of notifications.

[MrJiong]: god Xi? God Xi-er?

[MrJiong]: sorry…

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong did wrong QAQ

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong won’t ask anymore ah

[MrJiong]: [kowtows]

[MrJiong]: god Xi-er’s private business is just that! jiongjiong will reflect!!

[MrJiong]: god Xi-er’s good friend’s private business is also just that! jiongjiong reflecting seriously ah ah!!

That last line was particularly infuriating, not because of the horrible cutesiness, or because it had needed to be said at all. It infuriated Xi to read that line because… well, the following line was:

[MrJiong has logged off]

[XiErXi]: come the fuck on, really?

[XiErXi]: reflecting, promising to bullshit reflect and then sign off just like that??

[jjcool]: ah??

[XiErXi]: fuck!!!!

[jjcool]: hey……. I don’t understand

[jjcool]: was he horning on me, or on you??

Realistically, despite Claire’s staunch insistence that the evil Captain Jiong was lusting after Xi’s ass, considering the kind of guy he was…

[XiErXi]: why do you even fuciing ask!!! It’s you you you you you you!!!!!!

[XiErXi]: horny gamer F*CK

[XiErXi]: every girl they even glance at online, any girl that fuxxing exists is their fuckin future wife

[jjcool]: hehe

[jjcool]: still wanna know what he looks like?

[XiErXi]: absolute 10000% no!!! Fuck!!!

[jjcool]: [captain jiong.jpg]

Yeah, that was Xi’s best friend alright. Jane Esposito, hardcore 100% no-holds-barred dyed-in-the-wool sadist, getting her fucking kicks whenever, wherever…

[XiErXi]: …this??

[jjcool]: you wouldn’t think it, right?

Captain Jiong was not precisely the kind of person you looked at twice. Tall, solidly built, vaguely handsome in default pale-skinned, indeterminate Asian sort of way, every feature of his screamed Safe, Reliable and Trustworthy. Fit, from the obvious, but not too obvious musculature. Pleasant, from the small, friendly smile. Compared to his fellow pro gamers, he was probably a flower of the highest order, but putting him up on your standard entertainment stream would only end in empty chatrooms and tears.

[XiErXi]: is that seriously him???

[jjcool]: huhuhuhu, still waters, right?

[jjcool]: not my cup of tea, but, considering he’s rich? Well…

[XiErXi]: you foul woman lol

Xi couldn’t believe he was looking at the actual person that had provoked Claire to vicious rages, or the same one that vomited 囧囧囧囧 all over his fucking stream. Next to Claire’s sullen, slightly hunched form, and those of the rest of what was probably the whole Dom-V roster, Captain Jiong looked like the solid dependable hyung of every anxious parent’s dreams.

[XiErXi]: do you know his main?

[jjcool]: huhuhu, who do you think I am~

[jjcool]: it’ll cost you, you know [innocent blinks]

[XiErXi]: fine, cost, fine, just fucking tell me…

Omo (오모): Korean exclamation, means ‘oh my’. Used as an expression of excitement or surprise.↩

Shijie: Chinese, literally “teacher older sister”, usually translated as “senior sister” or “senior martial sister”. A respectful term for an older-than-you/more-senior-than-you woman apprenticed to a martial sect, usually used in Xianxia/Wuxia/Xuanhuan settings. You can infer both how highly jjcool thinks of herself and what kind of hobbies she probably has from this.↩

Laozi: Chinese, arrogant way of referring to oneself. Lit. ‘your father’, ‘this father’↩

selling meng: when someone (often deliberately) acting in a cutesy way. Meng means ‘cute/adorable’ in Chinese.↩

slapping one’s own face: Chinese expression for when you take action in a way that causes you to lose face, i.e. one’s social standing.↩