Checkpoint B; X11st time

The dedication of Elgar’s Salut d’Amour was “à Carice”. Carice is a combination of his wife’s name and the name given to their daughter. Salut d’Amour was an engagement present, something that symbolises the promise between lovers, and entrustment between parent and child.

There’s someone sitting on the chair beside Alex. That’s me. I can see myself now.

“Can you promise me something?”

“Anything.”

“Promise me to live on after I die.”

“Don’t say that.”

“But we both know it’s true. I know you too well. If you don’t promise me that, I’m afraid you’ll do something you’ll regret.”

“I never do things that I regret! Hahaha!”

“That’s not what I meant. I just don’t want to see you be unhappy.”

“…Fine. I promise you.”

“Fantastic. Now I can go in peace.” Eyes closing, Alex lies on the bed.

“I” suddenly leaned forward and grabbed Alex’s hands.

“Hahaha! You should’ve looked at your face, idiot. I’m just sleeping. I… I… can’t… Hahaha!” Alex continues. “Before you go. One more thing.”

“Is it about Carice?”

“Yes, it is.”

“I promise you; I’ll be a good parent for her.”

“The best.”

“Fine. The best parent for her.”

“Thanks.”

“I love you. See you tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

Sorry, Alex, I couldn’t be the best parent for her.

*

Checkpoint D; X12nd time

I walk into Carice’s bedroom and there “I” am, standing in front of Carice, holding a metal ruler. Stop it! I grab “myself” and try to stop the person holding the ruler. But “I” don’t budge. I can do nothing to stop “me”. Lips trembling, Carice mumbles, “Please stop…”

I suddenly remember what happened when I was in checkpoint one. I was helpless. I can’t move. The only words I can utter were “please stop”.

I… I… did these. I’m no better than Durian. How could I? I promised Alex. And “I” didn’t keep a single promise. I didn’t keep a single promise.

“I” am wearing a disgusting smile. I’m sure that person is having the time of their life, thinking they are doing everything good for their child, abusing their child in the name of discipline.

Please stop, I beg you. Please, person with the ruler, stop. Can’t you see she’s hurting? She has bruises all over! I’ll save you from that horrible person, Carice. I won’t let anyone harm you! I try to drag Carice away from that monster. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t even notice me. It’s like I’m pulling a rock that won’t budge.

Carice curls up into a little ball, hiding her face. But I saw them. I saw her eyes. I saw the terror in them.

I… I… I’m sorry…

I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

I’m sorry for everything! I’m sorry I’m not a good parent! I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you! I’m sorry I neglected you!

“Carice, please, can you forgive me?” I let out a plea.

But she merely stares the monster in horror.

Carice doesn’t deserve this, and I don’t deserve her. Instead, I deserve all the punishment there is, and I deserve the worst death there is. Please hate me. Please live free from me.

Am I even allowed to apologise?

I run outside the mansion, and I look back. The mansion is too big. It’s a giant lump of stones and bricks designed solely for people to flaunt their wealth. The office is nothing but a superficial symbol. “Look at me. I have this amazing office. I bet you can’t afford it!”

I confess. I never once liked the mansion. I fucking despise it. The longer I live in it, the more I want to off myself. The small apartment with all three of us is enough. Successful? Ptough. There exists only a dying person who doesn’t know how to live with themselves.

My knees give out and I break down crying. I hate myself. I hate the monster that I am. I destroyed the only thing that mattered to me.

“I’m sorry, Carice… I’m sorry…”

*

Checkpoint FOUR; X13rd time

The white cat appears again, and I follow it outside the hospital. Perhaps Death is not a sassy child who toys with the dead, but rather a kind mother that gives people at their final moment a home to stay. It just so happens that it took me a bit too long to find my home.

Watermelon is here. I close my eyes and let him stab me in my gut. I fall to the ground. The white cat lies next to me, sleeping. I whisper, “Thank you.”

Maybe a certain wizard headmaster will appear and tell me that everything happened, with the checkpoint or what-not, is in my head. Or maybe I’ll just continue travelling to different checkpoints until the end of time. The only thing I know is that I’ll pass this checkpoint in peace.

Dear readers, if you never hear the end of this story, then know that I’ve succeeded in escaping. I hope you never hear from me again.

“I’m sorry.” As blood comes dripping down, I…

23:50.