“When you blacked out it scared the fuck out of me,” Rylan said quietly. “You know, seeing a different you like that… I should’ve known it was a red flag. That whatever idealized plan I had wasn’t going to happen.”

“… Not really. A “different” me I mean. To you maybe. But that’s how I was originally. I’ve only “learned” to “loosen up” over the years to the degree to which you met me. But that craziness, showering in blood… I didn’t fear death. I still don’t. Doesn’t mean I want a painful one. But it also doesn’t mean I’ll avoid it. Sounds suicidal but you know what? To me it sounds rewarding. Because to me it was a goal. Living to seek death. How ironic. You know how the more you seek something the less likely you’ll find it? It was sort of like that. And if one day I do happen to die, then I can die feeling FINALLY, I’VE ACHIEVED MY GOAL.”

“Are you still seeking death now?” Rylan whispered.

“Hmmm. I guess. But in a different way. If I die, I’m dragging you with me. You know, dying together… Doesn’t that sound romantic?”

“… I would normally happily say ‘I would love to!’ but this topic is too somber for jokes.”

“Nothing wrong with jokes in a sad atmosphere. After all, being sad doesn’t equate being serious all the time. Plus, if you’re gonna tell me to not joke in a serious time, you clearly don’t know me well enough.”

“… Hah…. I guess… But can we be serious. Please,” he begged.

“Fine. … You know. Actually, I think I’ll tell you everything. Not really cause I think you deserve to know but so you can deal with. What do you call it? “Share the burden”? Yeah… Let’s do that…” I mumbled to myself.

“I heard that you know…”

“Stop interrupting me and listen to everything. ARE YOU READY FOR A BEDTIME STORY~” Rylan looked at me with a ‘can you be serious just for once’ face but I ignored him.

“Don’t interrupt,” I commanded. “I will start from the beginning.”

Taking a deep breath, I began. “Once upon a time in a land far far away… There lived a 4 year old girl. This girl was super loved and super dotted on by her family. Despite being such a powerful family, they were very humble (though don’t make the assumption that they were weak and merciful). The girl loved her family but she couldn’t truly feel. Feel emotions I mean. It was like a nasty witch brought upon her a terrible curse. She could act normal and loving but she never truly felt the warmth she tried to give.”

“So she preferred the cold. It just made her more comfortable. And so with the cold came the night. Just at 4, she made a habit of roaming the nighttime streets. Though there was hardly anything to worry about since the place was so “safe”.”

“One day, she met an old man, dying in the shadows. The man looked scary and even threatened her but she didn’t care. She went on her own way. It was about a month later that that old man appeared in her room just as she was about to drift off to sleep.”

“The old man came to beg her for help. He had an eye for people and instantly knew that her inability to feel is a very valuable asset for people like him. He bargained with her. Use her connections (it was very obvious she had some) and create an underground organization for his people to call home. In return, she could use the people however she wanted. She agreed and made an organization solely for his people. She began to train under the old man and was eventually recognized by his people, who were now her people, as the new leader.”

“The people came to love and respect the young girl. But the girl thought nothing of it. As the girl got older, she got tired of feeling nothing. So she tried “acting”. Always thinking ‘fake it until you make it’. She put on this idiot personality inspired by the stories she read of OP transmigrated MCs. The people around her didn’t like it at first because it mostly creeped them out. Slowly though, they got used to it. Soon, they even though it was her true personality finally showing.”

“As the organization grew, more and more people were naturally added to the ranks. The new ones never knew anything about her old personality. They only saw the “idiot”. Especially the newly integrated siblings.”

“When she accepted the siblings, she already knew they were descendants of the old man. However, since the old man had told her to leave his blood family’s lives up to fate, that’s what she did. She threw the siblings in to train with the veterans. Mostly those who came from the old man.”

“Over time, she began to warm up to the siblings. Especially the older brother. Things happened and she began to reveal her old personality. Her hidden personality. More things happened and the older brother and her became nice little fuck buddies. They were clearly more than friends. Everyone knew it. But it somehow never got the official title.”

“Maybe it was because the older brother became so focused on his thirst for revenge for his family that he didn’t notice his sister has been tempted to betray them. Maybe it was because he didn’t notice his sister has begun to betray them. Maybe it was because he didn’t notice his sister has already betrayed them.”

“On one of the sister’s mission, she came into contact with a known member of her blood family’s rival family. This person then started manipulating the sister into thinking that her older brother was the true culprit and that he only kept her alive for her blood because he wasn’t actually her brother. Fairly well placed evidence and some misunderstanding from vague answers because the brother didn’t notice his sister was acting weird cemented the idea in her head. And so she started plotting. However all this never escaped from the girl of course.”

“The girl was, for the first time in her life, conflicted. She debated on telling the older brother. However the older brother was so into his plan for revenge and adamant that his sister stay out of it that the girl decided to just show him evidence. In a way though, she just wanted to show him in the cruelest way that he had been blinded by his thirst for vengeance that he failed to pay attention to what he was trying to protect. Seeing his love for his sister brought out an unfamiliar sour feeling from the girl’s heart.”

“So the girl went along with everything the sister had planned. Went along with everything the rival family, or well now the official rival of the organization since they’ve dared to provoke her, had planned. She intentionally switched one of the sister’s missions where the rival had planned to attach a sleeping spy to the sister. You know, a spy that doesn’t know he’s a spy. The sleeping spy was not someone from the underground world. The rival had wanted to play with the sister’s feeling of having a taste of having a life under the sun. Whether unfortunate or not, the sleeping spy got attached to the girl.”

“The distance between the girl and the older brother grew while the distance between the girl and the sleeping spy shortened. Eventually the girl broke off the ambiguous relationship with the older brother and started a fresh one with the sleeping spy.”

“The relationship went fairly well. They’ve been intimate but the girl never truly gave herself up to him. She knew why. He knew why. She didn’t truly love him enough. She wasn’t even that attracted to him. Not even to the point of just satisfying an urge. But even so they tried to make it work. But as expected of a drama filled story, more obstacles wormed their way into the already giant gaping cracks.”

“The underground organization had a flourishing fronting company. The sleeping spy knew about the company though he had some suspicions about the girl’s other life. Of course since it’s a fronting company, all members of the organization “work” there too. Makes it obvious the sister would be there too. Eventually the sister and the sleeper spy became good friends. Eventually the sister fell in love with him. Everyone knew except the brother. The sleeper spy obviously rejected her. The sister, who was still plotting against her brother, turned her attention to the girl. She became greedy and wanted everything the girl had. She plotted and plotted until the girl gave her one last warning. The sister didn’t listen.”

“Instead she dragged the sleeper spy into her plans. He came to know about the underground and everything in between. He confronted the girl and they had a sweet heart-to-heart. The girl knew the sleeper spy was weak and couldn’t truly do anything to support her but knowing he was there by her side was enough. However the sister grew even more jealous once she found out she had actually helped them become closer.”

“So she planned her last plot. She dragged the sleeper spy into her plans of revenge targeting her brother, hiding from him the implications the girl would get into alone with her brother. The sleeper spy no longer had a blissful ignorance. And he sided with …”