A few days passed since that impulsive camping night. I sat in our living room looking over some of Shadow’s paperwork when Rylan gently pulled everything out of my hands.

He then gave me a cup of rose green tea and sat down beside me. “Can we talk… about Fein? I know it’s kind of my fault we got sidetrack but I just… I want to hear you describe it best you can,” he said looking into his own tea cup.

I gave him a glance before taking a sip. “You know those stories? The ones where a prince comes riding in and saves a princess? Don’t get me wrong, I love strong independent women and am annoyed as hell when coming across damsels in distress. But… Just because I like being strong and independent means I want to come home to an empty house. I value family. I value a warm home. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to come home to a man. I like men so I want to come home to a man. It’s as simple as that. Being strong does not mean being alone… You know what I loved the most? Those oriental stories with the female protagonists. Sure they seem cliché but the character’s journey in those… These female MC were weak, naïve, and trash. They were either reborn, transmigrated, or reincarnated. They went on to slap faces and found a 1v1 true love in a time where men were nasty pricks. Some had the ML’s help to become stronger. I see nothing wrong with that. The help came with good intentions and it’s not as if the ML has belittling his wife. Others had MLs grow stronger with the female protagonist. I love this type of story just the same...”

“Anyways my main point was POWER COUPLES. I wanted to be strong and stand beside a strong man. Someone who could support me and encourage me but also strong enough to keep my madness in check. He would be someone who makes me feel like just us two was enough in the world... I eventually found this in you. But only after Fein left. Because with Fein, I just gave up. I settled. Why? Call me weak. Unstable? Escaping from reality? Now you know. I’ve been abnormal since I was 4. Doing this for so long… I just… I was just tired. I love our people. But you know my love can never go as deep as they need it to. You said you were mentally weaker than me and the fact that I’m able to handle everything is evidence of that. But the truth was… I was so close to crumbling. I’m so full of cracks I feel like anything could just break me. Even a gentle puff of air could do me in. You’ve become my glue but back then…”

“Back then I didn’t notice. I was so obsessed with NERAL and Ingline I couldn’t see you breaking,” Rylan whispered with a trace of guilt. “Even though I knew you wouldn’t call for help. I didn’t pay you enough attention… I’m sorry…”

“It’s really not your fault. We weren’t… truly anything but fuckbuddies back then. We both knew that…”

“No. You know it was more than that. What. ‘No longer friends but not yet lovers’? We were something but nothing good enough to be considered a couple,” Rylan sighed. “You know… I was in love with you before we started all that. I just… couldn’t show it. I was really excited for us when we started going somewhere. I just thought that once I finish fixing up my past, we could move on and actually begin “us”. Blinded by an idealistic future I couldn’t see what you needed. When you went to Fein I was jealous all the time. Once again, couldn’t show it but it really hurts. Every night I would wonder if he was fucking you like I did. If he catered to your every needs like I would. I would constantly compare him and I and would internally stew on the fact that I’m better for you. I can understand you. I can protect you. I grew to hate him. Just a rookie actor. What can he truly offer you? When you announced your wedding, I was… shocked? Torn? Devastated? Not happiness that’s for sure. I couldn’t understand how he could support you if he didn’t know a damn on what you really did. Stewing on your upcoming wedding… I missed what Ingline was doing. I know it’s no excuse but…”

“I never slept with Fein. We came close. On multiple occasions. But I always blew it off. It felt… vanilla? To be honest, I couldn’t… feel a connection much less “get it up” if you will. I knew I was settling. He knew I was settling. That’s why he helped Ingline. In a way, I drove him to it. To help prove that he could be useful to me. He hoped he could be the bridge between us. And you know how that turned out… You know. He didn’t know about Shadow because I wouldn’t let him know. If I had truly loved him, I would’ve dragged him into our world. Forget all about that crap about being safer if he knew nothing. I’m selfish. I know that much. I would rather die together than live without my other half… Fein knew. Eventually, Ingline dragged him in. Because she’s the same as me. And I guess you’ve been wondering why she would involve Fein so here’s your answer. She was in love with him. Everyone knew. Except you of course.”

Rylan turned to look at me in shock. “I didn’t… ”

“You know, the Arcs… They’re very good at emotional manipulations. Too bad, Fein loved me…”

“But… Why is Fein a…”

“Arc. Fein Arc. You’ve never hear it since it isn’t public record and just goes by his first name. But he truly is the youngest child of the current Arc patriarch.”

Rylan became visibly agitated. “I don’t… I… ARGG!$%^%$!!!! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY RIGHT NOW! And since when have you found this out?!”

“Are you an idiot? Didn’t I say I pulled the Arc insignia off of him the first time we met?” I looked at Rylan with an ‘unbelievable’ look on my face. “Only those of the main family would have an insignia pin.”

“HahaHaHAHahaHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Rylan laughed crazily. “I… Don’t know what to THINK anymore. This is… A LOT. Wait a minute, then why did you even consider settling for him?! He was an ENEMY!”

After a slight pause, “It was cute…” I mumbled. “A Romeo & Juliet story… I told you. At the time, I was weak. I was tired. If it all worked out, then great! If not, then I’ll just blame it on a false love. Shadow’s burden… was getting too heavy, too annoying, too irritating to continue holding up. If a false love could destroy it then so be it… was my thinking at the time.”

A silence covered the room. Our teas became cold but we didn’t care.

“So… you wanted to run away. To abandon Shadow. Us. Everything…” Rylan turned to look at my but I continued to stare into my cold cup of tea. “You still do don’t you. Shadow… no longer has a big existence in your heart. At least not as big as when you first started… The only reason why you haven’t passed on the seat… Is because I’m still here. And the only way you can remain here. The only way you can feel as if you belong here, is in your current seat. Am I right?”

“Yes. Speaking honestly, I wanted to leave a long time ago. I’ve already set up everything. I’ve handed off my duties slowly. All that’s left… If I could just hand it over, I can wash my hands of all of this… I know it’s naïve. I can’t escape the night. I can’t expect to just walk away freely. People will come after me. Just my existence is a threat. So it’s not like I’ll give up killing. It’s just… Freedom? I just wanted to roam. Be a rouge for a while. Have nothing tethered to me. Decide for me and only for me. Be free of the pressures of having others rely on me. I just wanted… to reply on someone. To have them make some decisions for me. Because I was tired of making them. The biggest reason I settled for Fein was BECAUSE he was an Arc. A potential threat. A potential borrowed knife.”

“So… why did you change your mind? After that… You could’ve just walked away. Why did you come back to fix all of the messes Ingline and I made?”

I gave Rylan a glanced. “You begged.”

“You can’t expect me to just believe me begging would get you to help. Why.”

“I had planned… on fixing things yeah. But part of that plan was you killing me and taking over Shadow.”

“WHAT!!!” shouted Rylan, his voice cracking. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN SO THAT I COULD KILL YOU?”

“It’s exactly what it meant,” I said while looking directly into his eyes. “When I saw the state of Shadow I realized that… maybe I was needed… Or more exactly, a leader was needed. But I no longer wanted to fulfill that role. In fact, I no longer had he will to even roam in freedom. I just wanted… nothing. So I figured out a plan to get Shadow back on track while somehow getting you to kill me without you being overthrown by the rest of Shadow. It felt really easy to goad you into killing me. But having you accepted as the new leader of Shadow after that? That was the hard part. So hard, eventually I decided it was impossible. And so, you know what happened after that. Classic story. I seeked death with every mission and you brought back a sliver of my will to be alive.”