The weird thing is, I wasn’t mad at my father for leaving us. Maybe that’s because I never got to know him as the two older ones got to. I did feel the absence of him, but the sadness never lingered for long. I always felt like it was better for him to not be around than it was for him to be. It never mattered to me like it did everyone else. I was always too busy playing with my toys alone to even realize I had parents. That’s just who I was and I don't think anyone could change that.

Mom turned to us and told everyone to go pack our bags, that everyone was going to move tonight. I don't know why she was listening to him. Maybe she still loved him after all those years? But that didn't matter. We were already exhausted. Dinner was burning, and we were all frightened, and now we had to pack up our stuff in the middle of the night and move. Not to mention, we just learnt that our mother is pregnant yet again for the ninth time. I thought after the twins, that would be enough, but the big shocker never ends.

"But mom, what about dinner, everyone is hungry." I had said.

"Go to your rooms and pack, I've had enough of this chatter. I burnt dinner anyway. It’s no good to eat now don’t you think? Do as you're told or get out of my house. I can't deal with all this bullshit." My mom snapped.

I slowly walked back to my room, not uttering a single word, staring at the blank ground and sighing. I tried to hold back tears as Jaried took my hand and wrapped me in his arms for a few moments. He walked me back to my room and laid next to me. He whispered in my ear that everything would be okay and that my mom was just upset, that it'd pass. He kissed me on the cheek and began to walk away. I smiled a bit and thanked him for being so kind before he left. But what did it matter? Kindness didn't matter in a place like this anymore. I knew it, a lot of other people knew it as well. Yes, being kind is something to always keep for your own character and or moral, but it rather meant nothing, or least it will soon. People take advantage of the weak, kindness, and use it against you. Kindness is a powerful weakness.

"I'll see you once everyone's done packing." He said, smiling brightly as if he no longer had any worries to deal with.

"Wait, don't leave..." I had begged, “I don’t want to be alone, and you can help me pack my stuff?”

It was true, I no longer wanted to be alone, I dreaded being alone or even the thought of it. I wanted company, I wanted to chat and feel someone near me. I wanted happiness most of all, I wanted a friend. It saddens me that I have to beg for that kind of attention, friendship. But I guess that's just the way it has to be. Jaried was the closest thing I had to a real friend, I’m not someone who likes to let others in… At all, and he’s gotten the closest to me, to my heart.

Maybe it was love? But I would doubt it more than anything I’ve ever doubted something before. I never got those mushy feelings from him that made your heartbeat a thousand miles a minute that just makes your face burst into a smile and blush instantly. I never got butterflies that made my stomach feel all warm and nervous with each sight of him, and I don’t believe I ever will feel that. I don't want to feel that.

"I don't think your mom would be to happy knowing I was in here alone with you and cuddling with you don't you think? I would happily prolong your packing. But your mom seems to be in a hurry, and we have guests. Which I would love to get to know their background, and I know nothing about Cerebral Palsy. Plus, your dad will need some help getting everything into trucks. Entertain the children, and so much more. I don't want to stay here for free, I want to earn my right to be here. I want to feel like I deserve to be here. Not be a pain in somebodies ass."

“Okay, that's fine, see you later.” I said.

I wanted to say something as I watched him walk away. But I was at a loss for words. I watched the door close and I just kept staring as I felt the loneliness grab onto me. I felt like a ghost. I didn't even feel human in this skin anymore. I loved when someone saw me, when Jaried saw me. He saw everything, even my soul.

The first day I walked up to the boys basketball team and said I wanted to play, I got laughed at. But he didn't laugh. Instead, he told everyone to give me a chance. We played, he said I wasn't that bad, that I just needed some practice. We practiced for days, and then he kissed me. I pushed him away, and we never mentioned what happened again. A few days later I tried out for the team and made it. After that, we were best friends. He stood up for me when I got bullied, he picked me up whenever I needed it, and I did the same for him.

He even came to my house whenever I asked, despite knowing he would be beat by his father once he got home. And he did get beat, he would show up to school the next day either limping, or hiding his tears, or had a bloody lip. The teachers knew, everyone knew, but nobody did anything. We all just watched him, we watched him suffer. And we were all okay with it as long as we didn't see it, or as long as it didn't affect us. Despite all of that, he was still there. For me, for anyone, and that is something you truly can't find anywhere. He is the most amazing human being ever. I feel bad that I don’t live up to how great he is. I’m terrible compared to him but he doesn’t care.

I started to pack my things into boxes, crying as I did. I felt horrible. And nothing seemed to take this pain away. I just wanted to stop feeling like nothing, nobody. I sat on my legs and tried thinking of comfortable thoughts. I tried thinking of being back in school and laughing, when nothing was wrong, but it didn't take my thoughts away. I tried really hard to be seen as anything but a nobody, I tried talking to popular people, doing things they would and it never worked. I felt like I should be like Jakecub and disappear in my room. Hide out. It's not like anybody would care or notice. I'd be slowly forgotten. But people need more, or rather, I needed people instead. So I couldn't leave, I couldn't disappear.

I wiped my tears and finished packing, I started laughing after thinking about that time Jaried made me laugh so hard milk came out of my nose. I came out of my room and told my dad I was done packing. He smiled and we carried my stuff out of the truck. Soon, my siblings said they were done too. But going into their room, I saw it was just a bigger mess than it was before. I cleaned up the room and set everything up outside the door as the kids played.

My mom was the last to come out of her room and announce that she was done packing up her things. Mom looked at all the furniture and said that it could stay here. That, at the new place, there was already furniture there. We all got into the vehicle after looking around one last time for anything we might want to take and said goodbye to our home. I road in the car with Damien, Jakecub, Jaried, Aaroon, and my dad. My mom had all of the littler kids in the minivan we had.

I sat in the seat closest to the window and I watched as the streetlights went by while listening to the conversation my dad was having with Jaried. I watched the sky get darker and soon turn into sparkles, and I felt the heater fill the car. I let my thoughts drift off and sleep take over me, over my body, and my eyes began to shut as a dream took over.

I believed all dreams have a deeper meaning, so as part of my life journal, I would like to share with you these experiences. My dream started off late at night was night. I had got into my car after a party I had attended to from work. I was laughing to myself and smiling cheerfully, as if tonight was the best night of my life. People passed me and told me to have an excellent night and everything seemed perfect. The music during the party was well played and good and the party itself wasn't entirely boring.

When I got home and started walking out into the parking lot, I got this terrible feeling in the pit's of my stomach. It was kind of creepy, I felt as if someone was watching me, but I guess they didn’t attack me because there was company nearby. A sight I wished I could have captured forever.

This boy about twelve years old was singing to a girl and playing the guitar, I guess he was hoping to win her heart. I mean he sure did win mine. I could tell she was crying, I guess it was from what he was saying in the song that had made her heart melt. But that image soon went away as I continued my journey to my apartment where I'd hope to find my loving pets. When I arrived to my apartment, I noticed some violence took place at a stairway where I had needed to go. I waited for the fight to go someplace else before I had even thought to proceed to my apartment.

When I finally got to my door, I had seen a letter created by my not so loving family. I opened the door, walked in, and locked it behind me and visited for a few minutes with my pets. I walked into the kitchen and poured me some wine as I sat on the couch opening the letter. As always, the letter starts with "Dear Useless Pathetic Child," and goes on for a few sentences of how worthless and pathetic I am, then it finally gets to the important part. The letter then continues to read,

I am sorry to say but your father has passed away, I know you loved him and he was a great man. I dread the fact that I have to do this it even also pains me that I have to do this in writing. What even makes this worse is that after tonight I will also be dead, I can't stand a world without your father. I love him more than anyone and anything. I just can't stay here in this world without your father, he was just too good of a man, so all of my money and belongings are now yours.

I know we aren't the best parents more so me then your father and have not gave you the love that you have needed all these years but I hope this money replaces all the terrible we have done. Learn to grow up and stop being a baby, I'm not saying this to be rude or mean by the way I hope you will find all the photo-albums I have kept all these years quite enjoyable if you decide to look threw them before you destroy them along with everything else. More enjoyable then I found them. Tonight was the first night I actually found them enjoyable as I was drinking the last bottle of whisky you're father had stored in the basement for special occasions. He couldn't drink it so why not me? Well all of my things will be arriving there soon as well, possibly in a couple of days.

I think it's my time to go now, I hope you have a nice life and sorry for all of the pain I have caused you throughout your life. I do truly and honestly love you with all of my heart whether you believe that or not and no one could replace that, good-bye my dear child.

Sincerely your mother.

I sat there looking at this piece of paper for hours trying not to cry, trying to comprehend what it even meant. But I read every word a million times over and over trying to come to realize that I no longer had a mother or father. I no longer had anyone that I had loved in my life. Yes, I had pets, but they weren't people I could depend my life on. I had put every last piece of love and care, forgiveness and time into. Life no longer seemed real to me. It was meaningless.

I had taken my pets to the next door neighbors as I began tearing my apartment apart. Piece by piece I had threw everything I owned at walls across from me. I had screamed and yelled and cried out in frustration and loss. But none of that would bring my family back from the unforgiving dead. I became like my mother and drank away my pain, bottle after bottle. 'All I could keep asking myself is why them? Why not me? Why now? This wasn't fair nor right.' I picked myself up off of the ground and had went to the bathroom to clean myself up. I had cuts all over my body from the things that had broke around me as I had created destruction.

I unclothed myself and fell into the hot water of the tub. I let the water pour down on me as I relaxed, trying to stay calm as I looked at the ceiling above me. Tears streamed down my saddened face, all I could see was my mother's face laughing at my misery. Even though it was creepy at least I could still remember her laugh even though I haven't seen her in years. I grabbed a piece of glass out of my shoes that had got stuck there when I broke the windows, I looked at my wrists and decided to end my life. I began cutting and saw the warm blood pour out of my arm and color the water. Everything went to a blur and I began to wake up to the sound of birds chirping and the sunshine in my eyes.