Greetings, lucky survivors. The world awaits. It's hardly an oyster, but it's out there anyway. Just so you know.

Don't forget your stat voucher for Shivs and Shanks. So far, we have reports that the +1 in our awesome stat only went as far as the knocking stupid noggins together and none of the good stuff afterwards. This has resulted in few more literal shivs and shanks in the noggins of several of our brave pioneers.

More feedback would be greatly appreciated. Sid's a sweetheart really; he'll soften by, like, the twentieth or twenty-first adventurer.

Moving on to bigger and possibly better things. All that about us using the last few weeks to put together a few epic scrolls of unmissable wisdom for your learning pleasure? That's pretty much demonshit. But we have cobbled together a couple of exclusive job offers for our valued members. It might not be cave-pillaging and daisy-picking but it's still something requiring guts and brawn, a rare opportunity in today's docile world.

Yes, we've got two positions reserved for Farmowners' Association Enforcer in the Furrows, and with a Union Earning Level of 14, it's no laughing matter. The rocks thrown at your buttocks when you're bent over inspecting potato blemishes won't be a laughing matter either.

This is serious. The Farmowners' Association rule their members with an iron rake. It's not like us laid-back fun-loving jokers at QUOUA who only occasionally write things that accidentally get you slaughtered in droves. Should you accept this offer, you're going to the front lines, mate. Agriculture is a dangerous world.

To help you decide, we've taken liberties to re-write the official job listing. There were lots of big technical words none of you beggars would understand.

Farmowners' Association Enforcer

Requirements

* Appearance: no dress code. An infuriatingly smug face needing a good punch is a must.

* Equipment: you must bring your own weapons, armour and spectral water solvency diametric crop spectrometer. The latter are currently out of stock at the association but we're sure you could find one lying at the back of a bear den or something.

* No colour blindness: The association has already had one incident where they mistakenly let off a farmer with a plough painted Autumn Leaves rather than standard Fiery Brown, and cannot stand such another reputation-ruining embarrassment.

* Experience: This is a welcoming, entry level position with plenty of on-the-job training, so we only need a century or two of enforcement experience to continue the application. A working knowledge of tuber slimes is a bonus.

* Ominous door-knocking skills are essential. We want knees buckling when residents are coming to answer. When someone's planted carrots in an Authorised Potato Designation Zone, they need to know they're gonna pay.

Duties

* To be generally menacing. Stalk about a bit. Cast blazing eyes over the crops. Deterrence is better than having to boil some wayward farmer alive in his own turnip stew.

* To become intimately familiar with every detail of the Furrows Agricultural Code. Delivery of the first sixteen core volumes will be arranged by haulage dragon to your home address. You will be expected to collect the daily update from the association office on foot. Be prepared for spot-tests from the roving Enforcer Enforcer... and for the consequences of a minor slip.

* To rigourously scour association farms for code deviations. No rooster shall be left untrained in announcing supper time between 17.58 and 18.02. No cucumber shall express a girth of more than a vulgar two inches. No pile of manure shall go unpolished. A keen eye for detail is not enough. Some things require other senses too. That manure also needs to be tested for consistency, you know.

* To administer punishment for said deviation. Fines are sometimes enough. Other more serious misdemeanours require corporal punishment. You will be required to carry a cane and a foldable pain threshold chart for such awful crimes as incomplete Sunday dinner sets or possessing an odd number of sheep. Just stay professional around the farmers' wives if it gets to that stage. They're very bored.

Benefits

* Well... you see... the thing is.... it's a job, isn't it? You may be the absolute scum of the realm, busybodying your way needlessly into every detail of honest farmers' lives and making an already difficult existence almost impossible. But you're only doing it to survive. That's the way of the world, right? You really think we ENJOY sitting around making our fortunes writing half-arsed junk-scrolls to take advantage of the truly desperate? (That's you, by the way.)

Life isn't fair, and we're all just making the best of it, doing what we have to, and one day you'll wake up to a glorious sunrise and realise everything ain't so bad after all.

Actually, take this Enforcer thing up and you shouldn't be sleeping at all, you awful monster.

This job opportunity brought to you by the Questworld Union Of Underworked Adventurers.