Greetings again, mugs and suckers. And congratulations to the fourteen lucky guys and girls who made it into the Babbleborn's party. Your gold should arrive with this message. As will a complementary roll of toilet paper. With a Babbleborn, it's always easier to just give up and say yes to that fourth helping of mashed potato. At least you only start paying for it the next morning.

In other news, I am pleased to say we are no longer a threesome. We have a new union leader. This may come as a disappointment to the couple of quite frankly lewd members that have sent us... enthusiastic messages about the situation.

This new member must only be known as "The Cartographer" for now, as she claims she is rather embarrassed to be dealing with such lowly commissions in her own unfortunate time of financial need. We don't have a clue what she's talking about.

A message from The Cartographer:

"I am.... honoured [short pause for disgusted gagging] to become Head Cartographer for such an esteemed organisation as QUOUA. I have a wide variety of essential skills and an equally diverse range of unique personal insights to bring to the table which I am sure you will soon see to consistently challenge the quality of infographic transfer of information from management to client.

Let me start with a brief history of my education and significant experience in the field. I was a student at the Tripeak Cartographer's Guild for four years where I specialised in geometric measurement using the latest developments in (Editor's note: The Cartographer is a little bit serious. Let's cut this out. What does she think this is, a CV? Well, to anyone thinking of quitting adventuring and starting up their own, what was it, geometric measurement service, give up on this one. Look below at her so-called 'map'. She can't even fit the word 'Community' where it should go. Man, I hate big-headed people. Good job I'm the best editor in the Hive.)

Anyway, now we actually have someone reasonably capable of drawing those all-important cartoon houses and stick-trees, let's get more in depth about the sort of quests to look for in a featured cell.

We'll start off with Cell 2, Hemmling Town, because Gateway is just too happy to bear. Just like in Welcome to the Hive, we've included a UEL level for each area. If you don't know what that means, GO BACK AND REVISE you ridiculous excuse for an idiot we farm money from.

Cell 2 - Hemmling Town

Let's take a look at what that horribly enthusaistic bunch of zealots, the Tripeak Tourism Board, have to say about Hemmling Town in their brochure. I see the word "rejuvenated", and using big fancy words like that is exactly why us normal folk don't trust them. It could mean anything.

But the smiles on those faces at the artist's impression of a race at Trial Lake are even worse. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in that sketch has a full set of teeth. Rich pigs soon forget the drunken kidnappers that built this place. And not a single knife sticking out from someone's shoulder blades any more. That used to be why we went to Hemmling Town. For shame, interfering government funding projects!

You know what, we're an impartial organisation here at QUOUA. You're supposed to have freedom as an adventurer. We'll give you ALL your moneymaking options below. Let the authorities come and see us if they don't like it. We're prepared, you... clean shirted scum!

Opportunities by Area

Hemmling Town: The settlement, not the cell. It's a pretty nice place these days. You can wander the cobbled streets yourself now and only ever expect to get stabbed around pub closing time. Don't be tricked by the signs for sewer clearing jobs - it means EXACTLY what it says on the scroll. Other than quite literally shovelling shit, you could scurry around getting strange-sounding coffees for the odd, moustache-bearing gentlemen who inhabit the former slums. Just be aware that you will be paid for this task in paperback books that are "mind-blowing" even though "nobody's heard of them yet". They always prove particularly difficult to sell. UEL of 13.

OR we have already mentioned the noble work of the Guild of Equalisation in Welcome to the Hive. To start a bit of redistribution work, simply find a perfectly law-abiding merchant in the market wearing a yellow ribbon, ask her what she wants for tea and remember the password, then give three short knocks followed by a long boot scrape across the trapdoor of the forbidding abandoned house next to the Royal Lion tavern. Also, don't trouble the guards for directions. The non-compete clause in their contracts will only make them jealous. UEL of 7.

Trial Lake: The main tourist attraction of the cell. A huge channel long used for rowing races between rival cells of the kingdom. A perfect place for draining away your last coppers. UEL of 67, unless you win too many bets in a row. Then, your daring escape from the Experience Enhancement Assistants watching from the shadows of the docks at all times may prove a bit more lucrative.

Alternatively, speak to your nearest Experience Enhancement Assistant to become a qualified Hull Opening Technician. Just make sure to sink the right boats or your hiding place at the bottom of the lake may become permanent. As you are required to hide underwater for up to six hours, your ambush point may become permanent anyway. Recommended for undead adventurers only. UEL of 10.

Bob's Proper Good Fair: All rides completely harmless. All games completely fair. Fair- it's in the name. Not worth your time. (This entry sponsored by Bob's Proper Good Fair). UEL of 100. Honest.

Scallie's Club: An aged, boarded-up social club and the shacks that have recently sprung up around it. This is where all those poor victims of gentrification ended up. You can help these poor fellows through re-education of those who oppress them. Just convince one of those posh gentlemen who've just bought out their land to pop up for a nice cup of tea, a short visit to the club itself and a frank chat about the plight of their families. Then, you can help spread the message of inclusion by dropping their heads off back in town. Two quests for the work of one! UEL of 15.

Community Woods: We don't need to go into details on this one. Anywhere with 'community' in its name is gonna be grim. Bring no money, only your best weapon, a blindfold, ear defenders and a nose-peg. Hack, slash and repeat. UEL of 12.

The Hub: Gods above, not the Hub! I'll read again from the official brochure. This is an 'innovative centre of entertainment, education and information opened last year with the aim of revitalising the community spirit of Hemmling Town'. In other words, a trendy building consisting of eight empty white rooms with a sewing class every Wednesday. UEL of 56.

1Obelisk: A Temple of Light, a Sleeping Monolith, a Synyx Pyramid, a Den of Zaradat and a Holy Loveshack were all knocked down to clear the way for a new combined temple. Just because. Then the government of Tripeak spent all their money on artist's sketches and managed a single floor before funding ran out.

There's always some angry cult looking for revenge (or just an excuse for a bit of excitement) for the desecration of their particular temple. Some of them even have coinage. Let's give this a UEL of 11.

Or you could just point and laugh at the new foundations for free. Everyone else does. It's practically a rite of passage now.

So there we are, ladies and gentlemurderers: Hemmling Town in all its wonderful, shiny, new and welcoming glory. But we'll come out and say it: it's plain to see you need only scratch the surface to find the villainy that's always run things here.

Great, now we've got the Tourism Board Assassins on us as well as the guards. But we're not afraid. We're only here to serve our members. Let them come. We're ready.

Yours truly,

The Union of Underworked Adventurers (who have just decided to move two hundred leagues in an undisclosed direction from Webley. Just for a change of scenery).