Take heed, our underworked dears. Something has happened that may not ever happen again in our long and battleless lives.

We have success!

We asked for those pesky imps to be dealt with, and they're gone! That will teach them all for that single missing coin. Of course, we let a few breeding pairs go to pass on the tradition of their kind's glory days as messengers of the gods (that's us!) to future generations. And given imps reach breeding age within a couple of years of hatching, we may well have a vengeful army of raging firespawn burning through our villages soon enough for you to deal with.

Also, by our viewing crystals, we have established a dramatic fall in new viewers of our valuable invisible scrolls. You know what this means, right? Just as few meaningless fetch quests, but less heroes to take them up. Yes, we have managed to slash our membership numbers by about 30% by getting you onto those irksome creatures.

We have a little confession, our brave survivors. We told a TINY white lie when setting our quest. Imps are NOT immune to frog damage, silly! We only said that to maximise their chances of murdering you. As you are still alive, why not take a moment to appreciate how we look after your livelihoods by getting your peers removed. Just make sure it's not you the next time we tell you a deadly lie.

Finally, about our new messengers: we hope you got this scroll peacefully. Trials with the new goblin messengers showed they were rather eager to find such divine purpose after only three days of solitary confinement. Therefore, when you saw a goblin hurtling towards you at top speed just minutes ago, grinning and exposing yellowed crooked fangs, holding aloft your almost guaranteed unrotten prize shield in one claw and this scroll like a club in the other, we hope you saw this for the happiness to help it was and not a sign of attack.

Of course, the only way to warn you would have been a scroll carried by these very same goblins that are hopefully not lying dead at your feet now. We're still being held hostage in a pub close to our union hall, remember.

If you have indeed killed your personal messenger, please send our standard colleague murder fine of 50 gold onto Webley via the next goblin to come your way. There is a particularly nice-looking smoky whisky behind the bar right now that may just help us to get through this unnerving situation of sharing the room with the big adventurers that want you all kept well away. But it IS expensive.

We will continue to guide you throughout this tricky situation. We just wanted to say well done for not dying so far.

Oh, and we thought we best tell you. Drunk Dave has just found that missing gold coin. It must have followed him when he slid under his stool a couple of nights back.

Turns out you're a crazed imp murderer for no reason. But it's ok. Pay your membership on time and we may just forget to tell the guards.