(WARNING: SCROLL TO BE SEALED. IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU PRYING IMP, THEN EVERYTHING'S FINE.)

Good morning, ladies, men and gentleblobs. Today's sun is glorious and... nah, let's be honest, it's patchy and weak through the ceiling holes, as always. But we're about to lift your spirits.

Had a good night's sleep? Either way, it's time to get moving. If you've enjoyed the comfort of the Hive's wonderfully uneven and rock-solid floor last night, why not invest in a new scroll, My Poor Backs and How to Fix Them, by our friend Lord Grustwit. Please note that Grustwit is in fact an interdimensional ten-legged demon and therefore some of the exercises may need a little adjustment for humanoid adventurers. And whatever you do, DO NOT try the quick-snap neck-stretcher described in the nineteenth paragraph.

Let's get to the point. It is a privilege for us, a union used to lovingly giving you the facts about the lack of quests, to offer you... A QUEST! It's never occurred to us that we could actually do something to help you rather than passively reporting the situation here. We may do this again if starvation rates among heroes continue to rise. In the future. After a while. We want to work on our grammar a bit first.

So, this isn't just some arbitrary thing to give you something to do. We're in really big trouble here. Simply drowning in strife.

It's so troubling because we are victims to a traitor in our midst. Judging by our highest viewed guidescroll, we now have 58 members.

The imps have only brought us 57 gold.

Now, besides the fact that none of you so far have subscribed to priceless second or third-tier membership (and it ain't priceless actually mate, it's only another coin or two) which we'll 'deal' with later, this means we have an impish imposter, a thief, or just as bad, a clumsy oaf of an underling.

So, in traditional questing fashion, we have concluded that the only way forward is to slaughter every last imp in our service. And pay their murderers in old and flimsy wooden shields that we've had lying around the place for far too long and need rid of.

Now, by the time you've read your instructions, your own messenger will be long gone. You'll need to upgrade your membership to get it back. Just shout "QUOUA" and toss a coin in the air to bring him back.

We recommend repeating this process many times so you can observe the imp as long as possible and judge its strengths and weaknesses before you strike.

We can reveal to you that our imps are immune to piercing, slicing, blunt trauma, frost, ice, fire, lightning, earth, draining, rain, arcane, surprise, quantum, nonsense, ridiculous, frog, unexplainable and sausage types of damage.

The best way to defeat your foe will be prodding it gently with your finger until it dies of annoyance.

Please be warned that the imp will be using its razor-sharp five-inch talons and furnace-like fire breath upon you during the prodding process.

At least you will be the proud owner of a nice new wooden shield (which you shall only be allowed to look at from a single angle to avoid the rotten patches on the other side) for the next time we ask you to engage in mortal combat with hellish monsters on our behalf.

Good luck. You might just need it.