Before you go off wandering randomly looking for something to do, you might as well know where you are.

For a long, long time, even before the birth of Granny Sorrel, the realm of Questworld (or A'zwr'dghd'gy back then, just to be mysterious and ridiculous) was your bog standard Elder realm of temples and fair cities, because even though we're at peace now it seems to be a golden rule that things were always better before.

Then came the space wasps. Like, mega-wasps. Really, really big, is what we're trying to say. And they arrived here from who knows where and built their nest of neat and tidy cells, which still houses us today. They all had ceilings once, but most have big patches that have fallen through so we get light. Yes, there is a small chance you'll be crushed into dust at any given time.

Unfortunately for you, adventurers got rid of the wasps themselves long ago. The cells are filled with boring things now.

So the Hive is Questworld and Questworld is the Hive. There is land around the Hive's outer edge, but we don't recommend doing a lap. It would take many days, and it's filled with just as little excitement as the inside but with less food.

Some crazies think there's things on the opposite side, that you can keep walking and walking away from the Hive and curve round to other interesting places. Questworld can be so dull that some people even have to make stuff up to have a little fun. Curse those Round-Realmers.

We'll get into details later, but for now, we'll give you a brief intro to each and every cell, so you know where you're running off to when someone in Simmersby needs a cucumber fetching for a copper.

Oh, and each of the small perfectly crafted cells takes about ten hours to cross. You're going to be real thin and weedy. Get used to it.

To give you an idea of the difficulty of making a living adventuring in each cell, the union has created a handy ''union earning level" (UEL) to quantify your depression. We are assigning to entire cells now, but we will use it again for individual quests or smaller areas. So remember this for all eternity:

UNION EARNING LEVEL = The average number of hours of constant adventuring required to earn a hunk of bread the length of a finger.

A human finger, we should say. Not a troll's. We told you it was depressing.

So, without further ado, here is a handy map and guide introducing all 36 cells you'll be visiting. How very, very convenient that the space-wasps loved rectangles. It allows even Drunk Dave to scribble something that at least vaguely looks like the Hive.

By the way, it seems the space wasps had a Drunk Dave too. Note how the higher numbered cells get a little... confused. Some say there were never any baby wasps, that they were all just super long-lived, and they were getting a bit doddery by the time they got round to building that part of the Hive. Others say they entered an inclusive age where the creative younger wasps finished off their home by 'expressing themselves through challenging false boundaries of form' which translates as them wanting to piss off their neat and tidy parents. Or, as we say, they could have been drunk. We may never know for sure.

And let's give Dave some slack. At time of drawing, we had 28 new memberships judging by the views on our first exclusive guide. That pays for a whole lot of mead.

The Hive

(We can only afford the black magic ink so far. Get a message out to your home realm and trap more of your friends in this workless hell to see this image in glorious magenta).

All cell numbers have been officially asssigned by that awful King of Tripeak. Just look at that jumbled system. If he runs his kingdom like that then at least we might have a civil uprising soon.

AMENDMENT: Whatever you do, FOR THE TIME BEING STAY IN THE SOUTH-WEST CELLS OF THE KINGDOM OF TRIPEAK, WHICH WE'VE LISTED BELOW, AND NOT ANY OTHERS THAT WE'VE JUST REMOVED THE DESCRIPTIONS FOR. Until we have more members, we are funding these publications through non-competition contracts with some of the more experienced independent adventurers who have headed further in. This corrals you like cattle into the concentrated area listed below in order for the exclusive few to rake in the copper while you scratch your heads and decide how you will eat tonight. We have decided on this course of action in order to ensure that you have lots of friends to choose from while you slowly go insane from the trials of modern questing life and also so we don't get our heads caved in by those big scary boys with the glowing armour who have given us this fantastic offer we cannot refuse just this instant. We thank you for your compliance.

Cell 1: Gateway - One of the few cells with no roof left, meaning it's perfect for those excruciatingly happy farmers hefting prize marrows under the glorious sun and...let's stay focused on our own miserable lives here. The market village of Happiness says it all. UEL of 39. Get out while you've still got time!

Cell 2: Hemmling Town - This used to be a pretty grotty place. Perfect for stopping thieving scallywags and chasing all manner of foul creatures from the heroes' wet dream - the open sewer. An 'integrated gentrification programme' from those thoughtless bastards in Tripeak saw to all that though. Nothing crawls up peoples' toilets these days. Best bet for a bit of money is a bit of personal item relocation for the Guild Of Equalisation, who have set themselves the noble task of evening out wealth for those poor folk the programme forgot about. It's all perfectly legal. Just make sure there's no guards about. And that it's night. And that you've brought a crowbar. UEL of 11.

Cell 3: The Furrows - Another cell full of rolling valleys and pleasant farming hamlets, for when you were just starting to miss the noon sing-a-long in Happiness. This place, however, has a strict Farmowner's Association which can earn you a little more cash while you look for adventure. You may even enjoy the role-reversal in becoming a villain for a change, stalking the terrified neighbourhood with your fines ledger and your accepted barn paint colour-chart. As a result, UEL is slightly lower than Gateway, at 26.

Cell 4: Simmersby - The cooking heart of the kingdom. Posh taverns line the quaint cobbled streets of the town; dear little domestic pigs root through the surrounding woodlands for truffles. Just avoid the the cloud of delicious aromas billowing out from the Knobbled Goblin inn against the eastern border, as one in ten goblin livers contain enough heavy metals to kill valued customers (not to mention all within a half-league radius) stone dead. Decent place to start off questing, as apprentices from Tripeak strive to defend themselves from screaming, cleaver-wielding master chefs when they mess up the crispness of those all-important roast turnips. Just what is their problem? UEL of 12.

Cell 5: Cobb's Corner - The Hive ceiling is stronger here due to support from the corner walls, and thick remnants cast bleak shadows across the scrublands and dusty hillsides. This cell is mostly uninhabited due to the vicious bands of skull-helmeted priests fluttering to and fro from the ancient, thorn-spired temple built into the corner wall itself. Some say this is the first human settlement after the defeat of the space-wasps, and that the priests are working mysterious magics to bring back the former masters of the realm and exact revenge on us all. This naturally makes it a bustling tourist destination for the elite merchants of Tripeak and their even more elite hulks of bodyguards. These bodyguards will enthusiastically produce mincemeat from any troublesome adventurers who risk disturbing their bosses' enjoyment of the dark rituals at work. You knew there would be a catch. UEL of 99+ until we can get those merchants banned on grounds of footpath erosion.

So there you have it. A vast, mind-boggling landscape awaits you. In the future. As we say, please stay in this tiny portion of the map until we figure out how to get our brave union out of this wonderful hostage situation we are so happy to be in.

And why not engage in a little fight to the death with the more annoying fellow new travellers while you're out seeing it all? And then loot their corpse and splash out on that vital third-tier membership with your friends over here in the Sloppy Pig pub - I mean, the Webley union hall?

If you survive, it will only make your life easier. If not, then we still have your first gold. Don't worry about it.