I’ve been staring at myself for too long. My bluescreen was my own worst enemy.

ROCK

Level 1

Race Goblin

Class Raider

Job Thief

Hit Points : 9

Mana : 2

Morale : 7

Condition : Shitting bricks in excitement.

Elder Bones changed my job. My JOB. This is unreal. But jobs only last as long as the quest lasts, and well… I’ve NEVER DONE A QUEST BEFORE!

Oh Yeezsus, save me!

Quest : Class Change::

Change Class to Thief. Gain alternative Leveling Track *Thievery*. Gain 250 EXP. Objective. Steal the Staff of Leadership from Chieftain Chief and deliver it to Elder Bones. Alternative Quest name: Harmless Crime.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did I agree to do this? Why? I could die! This is worse than RAIDING!

Ok, ok, calm down, Rock. If Chief catches you, he’ll only beat you to near death. And then beat you some more. And then string you up by your neck and let the shamans practice their death spells on you as you swing back and forth on Hangman’s tree. Surely that’s all he’ll do. He wouldn’t think of something even worse to do as he treats me like a potential rival chieftain!

“Why does it have to be the Staff of Leadership? Why can’t it be something… less suicidal?”

Elder Bones laughs. “You are a level 1 Goblin, yes?”

I nod, fuming on the inside.

“Then you have to take a bigger risk in the hopes that you’ll gain enough experience to trigger a Class change. If you take something less valuable… Well, Class change Quest can only be done once a year.”

“I can wait a year!”

“Can you as a Raider?”

Well, after that helpful conversation, I’m stuck here at the top of the village with a brown blanket wrapped around my body, pretending to be sleeping or keeping watch. From up here, I have a clear line of sight of the Chief’s tent—

“FUCK I CAN’T DO THIS!”

Wait till it gets dark, and then what? He sleeps in there. SLEEPS!!! I’ve never done this before. I don’t know how to sneak into anything. I’ve never even pretended to be a scout during raids. I’m going to trip on something, or get scared of a skitter bug, or fart. Then my life is over. Or worse, my new life as a village pariah begins. Oh fuck this, let me climb down from this stupid fucking hill and tell Elder Bones that this is a stupid idea and I’d rather die as a goddamn raider!

I start to climb down when I hear a rustling from somewhere further up. I stop what I’m doing, being in mid-descent, and quickly climb back up.

“Who’s there?”

I prepare a rock. If another goblin from a tribe is scouting us, this is where they’d come from. Possibly scaling the opposite side of the mountain and somehow getting past the shaman tents. Maybe even killing a few. I ready my rock, my special rock that I marked with blue chalk I found near a cave half a mile from here. Blue things hit harder.

“Who’s there!”

Then my feet explode, and I yelp backward in surprise.

“How fucking rude!” screams a shrill feminine voice as she leaps from behind the cover of some particular large rocks. “I brood here first!”

I wasn’t hit with the first bolt, or whatever that was, but as I watch the tunic-wearing Goblin prepare something between her hands, I instinctively know she couldn’t possibly miss from this distance. So I throw my rock at her. Hard.

I miss because she dodges at the last second, and the spell she was preparing shoots out of her hands and explodes off the side of the cliff face.

“OW!” she grunts, “THAT ALMOST HIT ME!”

“YOU’RE THROWING DEATH SPELLS AT ME!”

“ONLY TO SCARE YOU, ASSHOLE!”

I prepare another rock from my satchel (I don’t normally carry it to raids as everyone makes fun of me for carrying one, but I always feel more comfortable with a place to put my favorite rocks instead of finding a strange one on the ground.) as she readies another spell but after some concentration on her end, the spell bursts in her hands and she flies backward.

Spoon has taken 2 damage from Improper Spell Cast.

“Ouch ouch ouch ouch.” Spoon grunts. “What are you doing? Are you going to ma me get up by myself?”

“Well, yes. I don’t know you or where you’re from.”

“We’re cousins, asshole!”

I scratch the back of my head, trying to think of the last cousin that tried to use magic to blow up my feet.

“Well, friendly goblins shouldn’t attack other goblins!”

“That’s a Raider’s rule. We Shamans do things differently.”

That’s why I had never seen her before… well, any Shaman before, but specifically her—

“Well, it’s rude to shoot death magic at people. And you could have introduced yourself!” I shout back.

“I waited patiently for you to leave. You didn’t.” Spoon grunts as she gets up.

“Yeah, cause I thought you were an enemy goblin.”

Spoon looks at me with narrowing eyes and growls. Growls. Oh fuck this, I can have an extensional crisis somewhere else. So I begin to climb down when a freshly burnt hand touches my shoulder.

“Wait…”

I want to be angry at her but… well come to think of it, every goblin Shaman I heard of was female. The good ones we call Aunties. They live on the opposite side of the village to practice their magic with less collateral damage. Of course, there are girl raiders, but we’re too busy dying to notice. So staring at Spoon, who is staring at me, feels weird.

“W-w-what do you want?”

“I didn’t mean to kick you out. I just like being alone up here.”

For a moment, we stare at each other as cousins do when you realize that you have something in common, like low life expectancy. And the look in her eyes reminds me of… reminds me of me, actually.

“Well, it’s my first time being up here, so—” I begin as I look anywhere but at her.

“It’s fine. I’m sorry… I just had some steam to blow off.”

“Rough day?”

“I was target practice.”

I look at her and am surprised that she has all her fingers, toes, legs, and arms. In fact, I am surprised her ears and nose are still in place. No obvious scars…unless they’re hidden underneath her tunic. The thought makes me shudder.

“Well, I’d like to continue… not getting shot at if it pleases you.”

“On Goblin Supremacy, I promise not to shoot you.”

“Goblin Supremacy.”

We find a pile of comfortable rocks and sit down. I’m still facing the chieftain’s hut when Spoon asks—

“So, what brings you up here?”

“Oh, I’m trying to think of a way to steal Chief’s Staff of Leadership from that hut.”

I realize what I just said the moment it leaves my mouth as Spoon’s eyes get as big as saucers.

“WHAT!”

“Wait I-I-I”—I scramble, but the words won’t come—“I-I didn’t- aww fuck.”

Spoon only laughs.

“I thought you were just another dumb raider in a loincloth. But you got balls.” She smiles, mischievous and completely sinister. “You’re trying to become Chief at Level 1?”

I look at her dumbfounded. She’s supposed to rush down the hill and warn everyone. Or just kill me! Not sit there smiling with a big stupid grin on her face as her eyes cackle softly with evil energy!

“Look, I’m NOT trying to be Chief!” Her eyes simmer down with disappointment, but I continue, now wanting to take something off my chest, “I’m trying to change Classes. And the only way to do it is to do something really stupid!”

Spoon tilts her head. “You can do that?”

“Well, I had to ask Elder Bones…”

“So you’re trying to be a Shaman? A Variant!”

“No.” Shaking my head, I can’t believe I’m admitting this out loud, “A Thief.”

Spoon breaks out laughing. It’s shrill, high-pitched, and rather annoying. But it’s also hearty, a genuine sound more laughing with you than at you, or maybe I’m giving her too much credit… Yup, as tears rolled from her eyes, I realize I was definitely giving her too much credit.

“A thief,” she says, crying laughing, “THIEF!!?!”