TWENTY-SIX

I hit the ground with a sickening crunch, the velocity of the drop buckling my orange legs in the opposite direction of normal. Or I guess technically in the normal direction—if I were still one hundred percent duck. Either way, my knees went the way they weren’t supposed to go, sending a jolt of pain through my body as I collapsed to my side. But slowly, surely, the pain subsided. And as my health bar climbed back to full, a series of pops and crunches echoed as my broken knees healed themselves.

“Can a guy catch a ducking break for once?” I shouted as I shook the sand from my frill and stepped forward. The grit continued to sprinkle down into my eyes as I gazed up at the halo of cave light above. Then it closed just as quickly as it had opened, sending the cavern into total darkness. “Great, just ducking great. Weevul, you okay pal?”

The coiled up Curculian chittered in agreement as he bounced against the stone like the lone basketball left on the hardwood after gym class. The bounces increased in pace until his body barely lifted off the floor in a rapid dribble that would have made a Harlem Globetrotter proud, then stopped altogether. He uncoiled himself from his ball form, then flung his arms out to his sides as if he were a toddler on a podium doing a ta da at tumble class. “Weevul is better than okay! Weevul has full belly!”

"Happy for you, pal." I shuddered at the memory of the bug eating my puke, but tried not to let my prejudice get in the way. For all I knew, not eating puke could be weird in most of the galaxy. “You there, Dumbass?”

“Yes?” came its voice from my bracer. “What can I do you for, El Flaporino?”

“Don’t be a dipshit. You can read my mind. You know what I want. A little help with the light, eh?”

Dumbass huffed. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, on account of not being the most intelligent manduck to ever exist—which is saying a lot, seeing as how you’re the only manduck to ever—”

“Dumbass!”

“Fine, I was busy, but I suppose I can take a minute to explain the whole light situation to you.” The implant pulled its avatar from my inventory and perched itself on my shoulder, whipping its head around on its dead Curculian legs in its best impression of a teenager’s head roll. “There isn’t any. It’s dark, obviously.”

“I ducking know that!” I grunted through gritted bill. “Listen, Dumbass. I know you get off on being contrary and whatnot, but you need to work with me here. I’m simply asking you to create some!”

"Create what?"

"Light, please."

Weevul raised a series of hands to get my attention.

“Not now, insect! The adults are talking.” Dumbass snapped. “Flap, I’m a highly intelligent, semi-omnipotent sapient implant, not a god. I can’t create something from nothing. You have to either learn, integrate, or wear a modified item to gain new skills. Seriously, man. Do they teach little ducklings anything in school?”

Weevul waved his hands in the air faster, even stretching them forward as much his small stature would allow.

“I know you got something important, Weevul. Promise. I'll make time for you in a minute.” With a raised a hand, I tried to swat Dumbass’s avatar off my shoulder. The rotting amalgam of space chicken and space bug had a surprisingly powerful grip for a space zombie. “And no, Dumbass, they don’t teach little ducklings that in school. Because until you came along and ruined my entire existence, I was nothing more than a happy pond duck. And in case you’ve been living under a damn rock, you’d know that ducks don’t go to ducking school!” I sucked in a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get so angry right there.”

"Well." Dumbass leaned his avatar back on its hind legs and crossed the front ones. “Apology not accepted.”

“Whatever. I don’t care.” I ran a hand through my frill. “Listen, do you have a flashlight app or night vision or something?”

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you just assumed I operate like a ducking smart phone and say yes. Both a flashlight mod and a night vision mod are relatively common, and I can integrate with both.”

Weevul shook his hand more vigorously. He even started climbing up my leg so he could wave his hands in my face.

“Finally. A proper answer,” I said, swatting the trio of arms away. “Let’s integrate that mod, then.”

“Yeah… sorry. Can’t.”

“And why the duck not?!”

“Because… you haven’t found one yet. Haven’t you been listening this whole time?”

“Dogdammit…” I started, but the little Curculian, more or less patient until that point, had grown so excited he grunted and squirmed like a kid desperately looking for a bathroom.

"Weevul need permission to speak!" He screamed. Then he covered his mouth with five hands and brought the shriek down to a muffle while he tugged at my leg with the remaining claw.

I sighed and dropped to a knee. “You can speak. You can always speak to me, pal. Friends don't have to ask, or wait to spoken to or whatever. Just tell me, what's on your mind?”

He ripped his hands off his mouth and spoke in a fury, the teeth around his maw twitching and rotating from the sheer force of his voice. “Weevul can see in the dark! Weevul has this night vision you need.”

“Oh, re-he-healy? Did you hear that, Dumbass? Weevul can do something you can’t.”

Dumbass ignored me. It had taken the opportunity provided by the lack of attention to itself to dance around a bit. I couldn't hear anything, but judging by its impressive rendition of the sprinkler dance, I could only assume the walking talking .mp3 player was listening to Kid N’ Play.

I rolled my eyes. “Figures. So, my little friend, what do you see out there?”

He nodded enthusiastically. “Weevul sees—”

“A goblin,” finished a snarky female voice from the darkness. "That tasty husk of jelly sees the goblin that's been waiting for you."

There was a low hum, followed by a click, then a blinding light flipped on, so piercing bright it forced me to shield my eyes with my arm.

“And not just any goblin,” she said. “A space goblin.”

I heard the clinking of metal, throat noises that brought the image of Bluto chugging Jack Daniel's in Animal House, then she let out a massive exhale of satisfaction, A soft rhythmic thumping echoed from out in front of me, and when she spoke again, she was so close I could smell the synthetic fruit and alcohol on her breath.

“And not just any space goblin--”

"Lemme guess," I said with a chuckle, as I cut her off. "A cosmopolitan space goblin?"

"You just triggered me, Earthling! That's gonna cost you!" she shrieked as the light went out. I heard the sound of edged metal being drawn from a sheath as she shouted, "Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and leapt at me.

Dropping to a knee, I activated the shield on my bracer and managed to just glimpse a tangle of purple hair through the blue light as the green-skinned goblin collided with it face first. I pushed up with all my might, driving her slight frame away from me, then I swiped upwards with my combat spur, sending a jet of green blood spurting into my mouth as a trio of splats echoed nearby.