“The world is in an uproar. Earlier this year an anonymous user on the popular social media platform: FaceMash, created an event and shared it to his friends and groups as a harmless, little, joke. Since then the event in question, “Breach Area 51, They Can’t Stop Us All!”, has spiraled wildly out of control and has spread to the entire world. The original creator has since expressed his remorse for starting the event – he explained that it was just supposed to be a joke, but now he’s worried that people will actually try to go through with it, causing someone to get hurt. While the creator may regret his actions, this has not stopped major franchises and companies from jumping on the bandwagon to gain support from the event’s followers. This business-trend started when the famous company Chef America Inc., creator of the popular microwave food: Tastywich, posted a video on FaceMash featuring a dancing alien emerging from a Tastywich with the caption: “waiting for September 20 like”. Not long after this stunt, several other companies posted on FaceMash showing their support of raiding Area 51. The beer company Budvar Light even claimed the spot as “the official beer” of the event, and promised to release a special, limited edition, beer can if the event actually took place, and guaranteed free beer for any aliens that escape their imprisonment.

While this event may seem like a good bit of fun and shows promise as a free promotional event for companies, any person that actually attempts to breach Area 51 will likely find themselves in a very dangerous situation. Just the other day President Trumph held a press conference to address the event and he made clear the dangers of participating by saying: “While the United States government will not be going out of its way to violate the Freedom of Expression, by squashing this event before it becomes serious, it will be forced to use all means necessary to protect its assets if the event truly comes to fruition.” While the president probably assumed his speech would deter any would-be participants, it actually had the opposite effect. Alien hunters and other conspiracy theorists used the speech as a platform to show just how afraid the government was of the public finding their secrets, and that there really must be aliens imprisoned in the base if they will go so far to protect it. That summary of events leads us today to this press conference that is being held by one of America’s most affluent billionaires; CEO and founder of SolarX and SpaceCity, we would like to introduce your host Errol Musk Jr.!”

The reporter finally finished the summary of events and introduction of the host, allowing the press conference to start. Which is a good thing too, because the crowd that had built up on the streets was probably going to riot if they were forced to wait any longer for the main event. Errol Musk Jr. is very well-liked by the general public for his easy-going nature and humorously eccentric personality. Just last year Musk decided that the best way to market his new vehicle was to launch it into space with a dashcam and hope that the viewers understood how sturdy and well-constructed his vehicle was. Most of the world agreed that the real reason he launched a car into space was because of the simple reason that he was rich and could do whatever he wanted. This bolstered Musk’s reputation as a fun, wacky, billionaire that would always be interesting to watch. It was for this reason that a massive crowd had gathered when he called a press conference with the intention of addressing the upcoming Area 51 event; knowing his quirky nature, the crowd was sure that they wouldn’t want to miss this speech.

Musk stepped forward to the podium, his characteristic grin adorning his face as he accepted the microphone from the reporter.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I gathered you all here today” Musk paused as the crowd gave a brief chuckle for one of the most overused lines in pop culture.

“Sorry about that, I just couldn’t resist the opportunity to use that opener. But enough with the jokes, I’m sure you actually are wondering what I have to say about this trending event involving Area 51. It should come as no surprise that I’ve taken an interest in this matter, seeing as I have dedicated my company to space and amassed my fortune by trying to make space habitable by mankind. So, for all you alien hunters, otakus, weebs and any other person that is seriously considering breaching Area 51 to harvest its secrets; I have just one thing I would like to declare to you!”

The crowd was silent, grasping on to Musk’s every word. The reporters stopped trying to get comments from anybody present. Families at home were leaning towards their televisions, straining their ears so they wouldn’t miss a single word of Musk’s declaration. A single janitor sat alone in a breakroom, deep in the structure of Area 51, passively absorbing Musk’s words from the radio as he pondered how his life could have possibly brought him here.