91. All That I Know In My Mind

Soren

I hadn’t heard from Juliet or Liam since she was at the book store… And I told her that I would not go with her… There had been no books asked for. We were leaving for En-gannim soon. I had hoped that we would at least speak one last time.

After filling all of Marcus’s cupboards with books, I had never been back to his house. He built the place after meeting Juliet. And then she left. He just kept adding and changing things. Living in a dream world that she and Qadir would be able to occupy the same space.

***

I pushed open the red gates. It was quiet inside. I tried knocking, but nothing. At first, I didn’t even see Juliet on the deck chair. She was sleeping. I tried clearing my throat to get her attention. Nothing. I ventured closer.

I went to sit down next to her. Stretching my legs out, lifting my chin to the sun. There wasn’t really any time to sit and bask.

Juliet’s arm reached out to the side, her palm up, fingers open. I drew in a ragged breath. I understood what she wanted but had to decide if I would.

I didn’t and swung my feet off the chair facing her. My elbows on my knees. Hands tirelessly trying to keep my hair out of my face. She took her arm away. Eyes still closed.

“I’m glad we didn’t get married… You would have been miserable, Julie.” She wanted to say something. “No! It’s true. Even if we could have been happy. You wouldn’t have been. Nine hundred years in this place. In a prison. We wouldn’t even have known that there was another way.”

I got up and told her to follow me. We walked to her room. Marcus was so specific about everything. She stayed at the door, watching me with interest. I go in and drop down on the bed.

I was face down on her mattress. Her smell was everywhere. I didn’t know what she was thinking. I reached to the small cabinets on either side of the bed.

It seemed like there wasn’t any cupboard space, but if you pressed your hand in between the mattress and the wood. There was a button. The headboard was hollow and opened up at the top.

“What?” She asked, surprised.

She walked closer and peered into the space. It was filled with her favorite books. There were writing pads… journals, and pens. There were so many language books so she could have studied. Start learning all the earthly languages.

“Where was I supposed to do all this.”

I walked across the bridge to her cupboard. I opened the doors and pushed the clothes to the side. No one would even notice. On Marcus’s side, it looked like a wall feature. It was actually hollow, and there was a light on the small desk.

“Even if you couldn’t study during the day, there are no searches at night, Julie. No men were supposed to be here with you. And Marcus’s mother… I’m sure she would have let it slide.”

I felt immediately guilty for being there at all. I stepped away from her and out of the room. Trying to catch my breath.

“What do you think of the kid’s rooms.”

“What?”

I pointed from her room down to the gate. “Kids rooms.”

She laughed and bobbed her head, pressing her lips together.

I felt her arms around my waist, hugging me from the back. I grabbed at her to get them off. In the end, I had to be a bit forceful. Step away when I cleared my throat… I didn’t look at her. I couldn’t.

“I loved you from a distance. And when I leave, I will just keep doing it. But Julie… it only took a second.”

I peeked at her. She didn’t like my words. Juliet was already sad. Depressed and her lying down like that, sleeping in the middle of the day wasn’t how I ever wanted to see her.

All I could think was that she would have ended up like that with me anyway.

“I’m leaving Julie. Decided to go live on an island rather than be confined on earth. Even if you would take me in… And Louis could allow it… Me being here isn’t going to make anything better. I wonder what void your filling with all these men?”

“Who says I’m filling a void.”

I turned… “There she is… Where were you?”

“My stages of grief differ every day. There always seems to be something new I have to get used to.” She rested her shoulder and head against the door pane. Her hands were in the tiny pockets of her shorts. “It depends on who has precedence in my thoughts. The last few weeks, it’s been you… Soren.”

My feet stepped closer to her words. They drew me in. Juliet had dark circles under her eyes. She wasn’t sleeping. Heavy lids hanging. I had never thought to hear anything romantic from her. Never had I felt that she would even consider me, let alone mourn for something that could have been. Deep down, she really was just soft.

“Do you want to come in?” Her voice was so low. Her eyes were cast to the floor. It had cost her to ask. My mouth was instantly dry. My body alert to her suggestion. I snorted… I had never thought that she would be shy in that department.

She smiled, biting her bottom lip nervously back and forth. I could hear her heartbeat. Her excitement was there, but it wouldn’t show on her face… Her breathing was shallow. Silently begging. Seeing her like that tugged at my heart. She was lonely…

“It’s not… like it would be wrong,” I said softly.

She shook her head, lips glossy from biting on it.

“Comforting you and then leaving?” I asked even softer.

She nodded, playing with her toes on the cement floor. It distracted me… I took a moment to indulge myself. To take a good look… at her long legs exposed soft thighs. Open belly… taught… two lines on either side of her midsection. I couldn’t help myself. Slowly my arm stretched towards her. A finger gently traced that line from the rim of her pants to the crop top she was wearing.

“Giving us both closure?” My voice was raspy. I was already there. I might as well. Her breathing deepened as my finger ran over her breast… up her neck to under her chin. Lifting her face, she couldn’t even look at me. Eyes still cast down.

“Are you sure?” I waited. But… she was done… There was nothing left. She needed me. Slowly my head lowered to hers, and I locked our lips. Her body was stiff. I moved my lips on hers. Tilting my head a little. Her hands slowly came out of her pockets. For a moment, they hung at her sides. Her eyes slowly closed, and I did the same. I waited till her lips opened a little… meeting mine. There was no tongue.

I was going to be gentle with her. My hand took hers in mine as she pressed into me. She was getting there. I couldn’t believe I was actually kissing her. How long I had waited. Knowing that in a moment, we would… be even closer.

She pulled away from me. Stopping the kiss. Our hands were still locked. She was waiting for me to either do something or leave… I pulled her away from the door frame she was leaning against. Closing the door. Her eyes were still on the floor.

***

Isla

Soren was dragging me somewhere. He told me that I had to go because he was going with us to En-gannim. I know he was sacrificing for us, so I thought to indulge him for the last month we were there.

The big red gates stood open. It was quiet inside. Soren pointed to the deckchairs. A young woman was lying in the sun. She had practically no clothes on. My first instinct was to shy away. Soren grabbed my arm and pushed me inside. All the way to the chairs.

“Juliet! This is my sister. Isla.”

Her one eye opened. Her hand came up to her eyes to stop the sun.

“It could be anyone… she has a veil on. How would I even know it’s your sister?” He slapped her leg. She smiled. Her eyes were still closed, but she moved so he could sit down.

“No! Before you sit. Get us something to drink in the kitchen, will you? And not juice!”

“You will be getting only juice!”

I was dumbstruck at the way they were with each other. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t wish to take off my veil. I would never ask a guy to do a women’s job.

Soren was already coming back.

“Sit down Isla.” The authority in her voice was a little daunting. “If you want, I don’t care.” That was weird.

Soren sat down next to her on the chair. He handed Juliet the drink. I had heard her name so many times from everyone talking at the meetings. Why had he brought me there?

A few moments later, another young woman came out of one of the rooms with a baby on her hip. It was a werewolf cub. Had on a little pink dress.

She walked over and reached out her hand to me. “Hi, I’m Charlene.”

I didn’t know what to do. Shaking hands. Slowly I stretched out mine and nervously took hers.

“This is Miné, and I’m human.”

What was going on? Marcus’s house was some kind of safe haven.

“You guys don’t talk a lot… I heard about that. But as you can see, my friend here is suffering from severe depression. I haven't had any good conversations lately. My baby daddy is an ass. He left us. Juliet here took us in.”

Juliet laughed lightly. Her arm stretched, holding out her hand. Charlene took it. Juliet dragged her closer and kissed her on the cheek. “Give me my baby.” Charlene handed the excited toddler over. There was a bond between the child and Juliet.

“On earth, they say it takes a village to raise kids.”

Another moment later, an older man and woman came out of another room. Walking over to us.

“Soren? Is that you?”

“Hey, Liam! This is my sister Isla. Hi Cindy. How are you?” The woman came over and pulled Soren into a hug. Liam did the same.

They all dragged chairs closer and were soon speaking about all sorts of things. Cindy put on music. It was getting darker, and it wasn’t so hot anymore.

Juliet had not said one word. From all, I heard about her. The behavior she was displaying wasn’t at all what she was like. But she didn’t put the child down. They danced and ate fruit. She joked with her and played games. A few times, it even seemed like Juliet wanted to cry. When they sat on the grass for a time.

“Juliet had a baby. But the baby is gone. He had to leave with his father.” Liam said when he saw my confusion. My eyes darted up to him.

“Marcus is gone. She will probably never see him again… Or at least for a long time.” Cindy added.

“One of the men… the watchers. That you’ve heard of at the meetings... No, Juliet’s watcher her whole life… Had helped her too many times… When Qadir found out… he took him, and he’s still missing. She feels it’s her fault.” Liam said.

“We only came back because she was saving my werewolf cub from Qadir that wanted to use her as bait to force Marcus back. And, of course we came back. That was when everything happened… well… you know.” Charlene's voice trailed off.

I didn’t know what came over me, but slowly I lifted the veil over my head. There were so many eyes on me. I didn’t even know what my face looked like anymore.

“It’s not that we don’t recognize what Marcus had done.” I ran my hands over my hair. “He exposed Qadir lying to us. It’s just going to take time. But seeing you all together like this… As a family with no ties. I understand…” My eyes drifted to Soren… “I understand….” Soren walked over and hugged me. Charlene did the same and Cindy. Not Juliet, though.

***

“Will she be okay?” I asked Soren as we walked home. He took my hand. Me without my veil and talking. It felt so strange that I was the one saying something, and Soren was quiet.

Qadir’s house was built on a hill. The desert expanded in the distance. It made the night beautiful and open. We passed the man that did all that to Juliet. I didn’t feel any pity for him.

***

Chris

“I just want to go for a walk. It’s been a long day, and you weren’t here.” I said to Maya.

“I had to deliver like ten swatches. Take instructions for ten more. It’s not like I was wasting time.”

“I know, but why don’t you want to take him? We are four adults to one child… Should I ask someone else to help out?”

“No! Chris! I’ll take him.”

I wasn’t going to argue with her. She had something on her mind but wouldn’t budge in saying. I wasn’t doing that anymore… Stuff it. I just left.

It had been Caleb’s first birthday a few weeks ago. I had stopped counting. I had stopped the exchange of time for Juliet.

I had to wait to become a protector. There was a specific time the training started, and it would be soon. The waiting was frustrating. Sitting doing nothing. That day I kinda flipped.

Ira and Silvanus were at some meeting. I had Caleb the whole day. Sitting with other people watching kids… the entire freaking day.

There was one place I was going… It was the first time I went to the pub… I needed a drink.

I never drank before I turned. After with Juliet, it was almost all we did. Not having that downtime was getting to me. The dancing and the cigarettes. I had even gotten used to having one with her. Cigarettes after sex and all… I decided to walk the streets. People everywhere. Eating. Sitting. Talking. But I was still so bored.

Going into the pub, I saw only three people. I went over to the bar area to ask for a drink… You couldn’t really call it a bar. The ground was literally sand. Everything was just the same.

The clothes were also getting to me. It was all bodysuits. With lots of straps everywhere. For the sand-heavy boots that were made from other types of materials than we had on earth. So walking was something to get used to. The winter made it worse, with the heavy cloaks that we wore over the suits.

One man was sitting at the bar talking to the bartender. The other guy was in the corner of the room all alone. I had never tasted their alcohol. The clear liquid packed a punch. Even though you weren’t allowed to get drunk. It would give you a buzz. It was bitter, almost like gin. Dry, and they didn’t mix it with anything. Two per customer. I chose the table opposite the man in the left corner of the room.

He didn’t seem content with his life. Which was weird. Everybody, there was just contented. It took me a while to get all the crystal liquid into my body.

Juliet would have drunk it down in minutes. I wished that I would forget. That I could forget… It would never happen. Every little thing brought me back to her. To us.

The guy next to me had opened his suit and let it hang by the waist. He had on a vest underneath. He was muscled and fit. I was freezing, and he was sitting almost naked in the cold. Probably used to it. Dirty blond hair cut short and standing in many directions. Messy. Strong jawline and chin. I sighed.

The thing about loners was that if you wanted to make friends, you would have to act like an extrovert to get it done. Was I the only introvert there? I was too tired anyway.

He got up, and I thought I had already lost the one guy that might become a friend. The only one I had seen with the closest energy to mine. Happy when he came toward my table and held his hand in the air.

“Can I sit with you? He asked.”

“Please… My name is Chris.”

“Jamal.” He sat down.

The bartender brought about a board with pieces.

They had a game they played, not for gambling but for entertainment.

Jamal packed the board.

“What’s your occupation?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Haven’t decided. Not a hundred yet, so I have some time. And you?”

“Hunter-Gatherer.”

He pursed his lips, eyebrows raised. “That would actually be just what I should be doing. I’m already in the guards. It’s basically just a division.”

“Come with me tomorrow morning and sign up. The training takes forever. Years.”

He snorted. “We live for almost five thousand years here, and you’re complaining about two or three. How old are you Chris?”

“Thirtysomething.”

“So sure of things?”

“Why are you so depressed, Jamal?”

“I don’t know. I’ve always felt this way. Never fit in. Wanted to do something but no ever does anything.”

An instant camaraderie formed. I knew I could not be the only younger child that felt frustrated. Or even someone older people… Sometimes Silvanus seemed a little restless.

It took Jamal an hour of frustration to teach me the game. But I got it, and we started enjoying ourselves. Not talking about much.

Our drinks were done.

“Let’s get out of here,” Jamal said. I shrugged and followed him out.

He took us to the other side of town, sat down at another bar, and ordered more drinks. I was being pulled into group pressure to go beyond the king’s orders and drink more than two glasses. If I was going to be treated like a child. I would act like one.

The whole night went like that. Going to the four corner pubs that accommodated the four areas of the city. At the end of the night… we were drunk. Guards had to carry us home and dumped us both at the king’s feet… Well Ira’s feet… Passed out. Silvanus picked Jamal and me up and threw us into my bed. It was the warmest I had slept in a while. I had gotten used to sleeping with Louis and Juliet. I just didn’t like sleeping alone anymore.

The morning wasn’t even awkward when we heard the sunrise bell, and our eyes opened. He smiled. “What’s your name again?”

I laughed, grabbing at my head. The hangover of that clear liquid was a little different than it was on earth.

“Chris,” I said, smiling.

“Thanks for the great night, Jamal.” He chuckled.

Ira came in and leaned against the door frame. Shaking his head. Jamal wanted to jump up and bow, but Ira just raised a hand.

Ira was used to getting everything he wanted. Even if there was no hierarchy, he knew how to throw his weight around.

“You guys are gonna get a whipping.”

I groaned. Jamal wanted to jump out the window. He must have known what it meant. Silvanus grabbed him outside and pushed him back in. Zoreah was worse than freaking high school.

“Like I said, Chris, till your one hundred. Silvanus, will you take them to the barracks.” Silvanus’s lips pressed together. It seemed like he wanted to say something. He lifted two hands into the air. He would have to do the honors, and it didn’t seem like he agreed.

That day I felt what Juliet must have felt when Qadir split open her back. I felt sorry for myself… that it hurt so much. But since that day, Jamal and I had been friends.