85. Facing Your Worst Fear

Juliet

The agony hit me when I came back to my senses. Not only was I undressed but I wasn’t alone on my bed. I could smell Damian’s body odor. The pain was almost unbearable. It was worse than it had ever been.

It was beyond me how that monster of mine only came out when I was in extreme emotional sadness. Not when I was angry or needed to protect myself. That would’ve been the perfect time for me to rip some guy’s stomach open and bury him in the canyon.

He was cleaning my wounds and putting ointment on my back. He touched my hair. Stroked my face. Touching the wounds as if he got off on them.

I almost died from disgust. I could handle them being mean. Even degrading, but what I couldn’t take was men like him… Wanting to touch a woman in both ways. It made no sense…. It was like he had a split personality.

“I was ordered to hurt you but still take care of you… like a good husband should… Like Marcus should have done years ago. You wouldn’t believe how his estimation has gone down in the eyes of the army he spent years cultivating because of one… little girl. But he will soon learn it doesn’t matter who you are. Even Qadir’s son can be brought down a peg by violating what is his… And you won’t mind… You can just see me… as another one of your lovers. We heard you get around.”

He got up and walked over the bridge to Marcus’s side of the room. I could hear him sit down, lifting his feet into the air. He was watching me and knew I was awake. I turned my head away from him to open my eyes.

He chuckled. “But not yet. Maybe later. Just waiting for the call. Your inlaw’s really hate you. From earth to all the way back home… But try and sleep. I drugged you… Or fight it. I really don’t care.”

The last time I wanted to commit suicide wasn’t about the fear of the struggle. But the fear of the raping and the violation. Just like me wetting myself when I was tied down.

I didn’t know if I wouldn’t sacrifice Soren for not getting raped. But what if it was my mom or Miné. Taking it… like a good girl… was the worst thing I could think of. I would rather fight to the death. If it came down to it… Or be knocked out. Lying down, watching him undress, allowing him to get on top of me because of some threat. Just the thought made me shudder. If I died that day, I would be okay with it. We all three would have to die.

***

Later I woke up clear-headed. The pain was still unbearable. The sun was going down. I had been back at the compound for two weeks, and I was already planning my subsequent demise. I was a coward when it suited me.

Not only had I lost my son, but I would never see Chris or Michael again.

Marcus had proven that two weeks was all he needed to completely turn around and forget about me. My every fear was realized about coming back there with him. Louis was right… Marcus wasn’t going to choose me.

Picking up the bed sheet, I covered myself before I sat up. Damian was gone, and the doors were closed. Guard numbers one and two were fighting outside. It was their voices that had woken me up.

I didn’t know why the situation had me so immobilized, having difficulty calming down my pounding heart. I would do anything if Louis and my dad would come and rescue me before Qadir gave the order.

But we were all there because of Miné. They wouldn’t throw all our efforts away. Louis knew that they wanted him out of the way. Even if they couldn’t kill him... They could take him. Louis somewhere in a hole.

I quickly ran to the cupboard to pull a sweater over my head, winching. I couldn’t remember it hurting that much the last time. Qadir was much stronger than Damian, but his lashes were all over my new skin. Maybe that was it.

I hated the situation. Pretending for months in France was better. I wished I could take it back. Just be happy there. How could I have ever been that naive?

As if playing mind games with me, Damian left me alone for hours. The bath was appealing. Marcus’s door was my other option. I thought about sneaking out. But Damian was just outside. He wouldn’t leave.

I had just slept for the whole day and was getting bored. Too scared to venture into the kitchen or just show myself in front of the creep outside.

I guessed it was another few hours of listening to him starting to doze off. When he was finally snoring, I put on all the lights and took my close off. Letting the cold water run over my back, trying to soothe the pain a little. I just wanted to wash off Damian touching me. I didn’t care anymore. Whether he would be on the other side of the glass in a little while.

***

Marcus

Carl and I had driven like crazy. The sun had already set. We sped to the compound gates just to be held up. I had to roll down my window before they scrambled to open and let me through.

After the entrance, it was still a ten-minute drive to the estate. I couldn’t calm down. Anxious that what I would come back to was a broken Juliet. Or one tied down somewhere… I had never thought that torture would be even an option. Neither my father nor my grandfather understood how to use Juliet to their advantage.

I had listened to the two calls. And what my supposed answers were. What I said to Liam about the guard hitting her and to Juliet. That she should behave. Did she really believe I cared so little… Did it matter…? They couldn’t really ask me. I wasn’t there.

I stopped outside my home. The house that was supposed to be her home. A haven away in this place. High walls so she could walk around naked if she wanted. A swimming pool for exercise and warm days. Deck chairs to soak up the sun. Adjoining rooms so she could watch me. She loved watching… I didn’t even think she knew how much of a guy she was… The other rooms… were for kids. I chuckled. She must have thought they were for concubines. A kitchen with an escape route so she could get out… if she ever needed to.

“Carl… can you give me a minute with her, please.”

“Yeah, I’ll wait right here.”

“Thank You.”

I pushed open the gate slowly.

The first guard was seated to the right on the inside of the gate on a chair. I cringed at the thought of men in there with her… No one was supposed to be there.

He had stood up, aiming a gun, but lowered it when he recognized me. He dropped to the floor but not before his eyes flickered down the corridor towards our rooms. Where the door stood open… An empty chair right outside. It was enough to make me think of ways I would kill myself if I found Juliet in any situation that I couldn’t deal with. My breath caught. My feet wanted to run. But strategy, patience, and two-hundred years of waiting for her… finally finding the girl who healed me… made me walk quietly up the path. I peaked around the corner. My jaw clenched, but I breathed out the breath I was holding.

Who I guessed was the other guard was standing at the glass door looking out into the bathroom. He was so transfixed by what he was seeing. Having himself in hand, tugging away… He didn’t even hear me.

I stood behind him. He was tall and muscled. Strong and heavy. I glanced past him into the bathroom. Juliet was in the tub. She sat up and dried her hair. Her whole body slumped together when her eyes fell on my room door. Her facial expressions gave me all I needed to know. It was not the first time.

She swallowed hard. Her mouth was dry from fear… steeling herself. She slowly got out of the tub. Naked, she walked up to the door. Oozing disgust. Shivering. The water dripping down her back left a faint red trail on the ground. My fists balled at my sides. Her shaking hand lifted. Tongue pressed against her teeth.

She was trying so hard. The lights in the bathroom went out. It took a moment, but her eyes were turned up, knowing the guard would be two heads taller than her. Her eyes flickered past him to me.

When he realized she saw someone behind him, he let go of himself. Spun around, scrambling to put himself back in his pants. I leaned over in front of him, opening the door slowly. It slid effortlessly. A tear rolled down her cheek.

“Could you put some clothes on, please? I don’t like him watching you.”

Juliet turned and took one step to reach the little counter against the wall. I suspected for her clothes or at least a towel. After that, I dug deep into the side no one ever wanted to see.

***

Juliet

There have been a few moments in my life where I had doubted my existence and whether it meant anything. Seeing Marcus behind Damian. I knew that… I did… matter.

Seeing his eyes and his mouth… I knew that he had no idea… That my doubt had been unnecessary… and cruel. When I reached for my clothes, the first sound was a long, loud, piercing cry from Damian. The cracking from breaking bones and a low feral roar from Marcus. Shakely, my hands gripped at my clothes. The ferocity of Marcus hit me over and over. Had I ever doubted that he would do anything?

When I had turned back to the room. Marcus had Damian by his hair, dragging him down the cement walkway… He stopped at the other guard still on the floor, bowing. Marcus bent down, pulled out the man’s gun from a holster, and shot him point-blank.

I stood frozen.

Marcus picked up Damian again and strutted out of the yard and past a car. I followed and walked through the red gates. I drew in a breath when my eyes met Carl’s.. My doubt became crueler and crueler.

It took a while for Marcus to cover the distance down the lane to the main gate. Damian was still very alive, kicking and scrambling. Marcus had manifested and was bloodthirsty. He knew how to inflict maximum pain and keep someone lucid. It took only one blow, and Damian settled down to his fate. Letting his hair get ripped out of his skull.

Reaching the entrance to the estate… Marcus stood awhile. Just staring down at him, groaning. A few moments passed before he had some control of himself and before he turned to me.

“What did he do, Julie?”

My voice quivered. “He watched me.”

The other guards stood at attention… These were Marcus’s men.

He bent down, straddling Damian. His long black nails gouged… Then plucked. He tossed the eye at their feet. He did the same on the other side.

“What else?”

I was too slow to answer. My shoulders were shaking.

“What else?” He yelled.

“He… touched me.” I stuttered.

Marcus’s head snapped up at me. He was in pain for a moment.

It really didn’t matter how he touched me. If it was just a beating or violating me when I was asleep. Marcus stood up and called over two guards to hold up his arm in the air. One stepped down on his elbow. Marcus kicked through the bone. Breaking the offending forearm in half, twisting the limp side back. Damian passed out with an agonizing cry.

Marcus stood away from him. Coming back to his human form, shaking his shoulders. He wasn’t done.

His hand reached out to me. I didn’t take it. He used his power of persuasion and forced me forward. He didn’t even need to say anything. My body obeyed him immediately. Forever spiritually connected. He took my hand, and the pain went away. He gripped onto me as if he was scared I would leave. Looking at the other guards, he spoke with authority. “Bow…”

“Marcus, I don’t want…”

“Shh…” Carl put his hands on my shoulders to quiet me down.

The guards were confused.

“Had I not put you in charge of my house. My wife was molested, and you did nothing. The last time I checked, no man was allowed anywhere near another man’s wife. How could you just stand there?” He yelled so loud. “You will apologize to her. You will apologize for not valuing her more than your own lives. How can I ever trust you again?”

The guards fell down with every word. “Who gave you the order?”

“Qadir left Jabin in charge… When he left.” The one guard pointed at Damian.

“Where is Jessy?”

“Everyone at the barracks wasn’t allowed to change shifts.”

***

Marcus

I ran my hands over my face. I felt a little better when the guys bowed down in front of Juliet. The first obstacle was over.

My gaze drifted to the stairs leading into the house I grew up in. Lived in, for… too many years. The woman standing at the top took in the scene. My mom that I couldn’t protect at five. The woman lost her speech because she tried to speak up for me when the abuse started. Beatings. Dark rooms for days. Sleep deprivation and drug-induced states of pain and suffering.

But I didn’t have time to make everything right at that moment. It would take time. But it was going to start right there… I was done.

“Get up.” They all stood at attention.

“Go to the furrow house. All three have to come here…Now!” I took a breath. “Carl, can you please stay with Juliet until Louis is here.” He nodded. His hands were already on her shoulders.

“You... Hang this guy up there.” I pointed to the pillar. “You have to watch him. If it seems like he wants to die, revive him.” They obeyed quickly.

There was something I had to do. It vexed my soul. It meant I had to leave again. I swore loudly… “Would it ever end?” I muttered. But what I needed to do had to happen right away... Walking past Juliet, I was going to ignore her. Focus on the task and just keep moving forward. The words “I’m sorry, Marcus” bore into me. Horrified me. She actually felt that it was her fault. Facing her was even harder than just leaving.

I slowly turned to her. Carl moved down the lane towards our house. She took my hand, and we walked behind him. I had planted all these trees for her. So that there was someplace, she could stroll in the shade. Everything was ruined.

We were all alone when we reached the car I needed to get to. I didn’t know what to say. I shook my head, thinking of something. Anything. I love you. I’m the one that should be sorry. Can you forgive me? Juliet came closer and picked up my hands, pulling them towards her face. Instinctively they cupped he neck so I could pull her lips onto mine.

My body remembered what happened the last time we kissed. Every muscle in anticipation for her lips on mine. I moaned as I pressed into her. Whispering and complaining against her mouth. Her hands slipped around my body. Softly, I kissed her… Pushing her away to meet her eyes. Her lips parted, waiting… Another soft, longer kiss… Moving her away, tilting up her chin with my thumbs, softly kissing her… Apologizing.

Juliets hand reached for my hair, fisted a handful, and shoved me onto her. My whole world spun when her tongue slid over my lips… My mouth waiting for her to cross that line. I had to hold on to her when I felt her inside of me. All I wanted was to make love to her. Not at that moment. But one day.

Her grip loosened when I gave her what she wanted. When I met her halfway, sucking on her, making a mess of our mouths. Soon we were breathless, panting. Gazes fixed, desire etched in our parted lips, coming in for one last kiss… Again and again, as I tried to leave.

Finally, I just stepped away from her. Her face hanging in the air. Murder in her eyes. Teeth biting hard onto each other. I had to chuckle. It was the biggest compliment. That next to longing for it.

My smile broadened, and she relaxed. Disgusted but happily turning her head away from me. “You can be really happy you are so handsome when you smile.” I made it even wider and let the mirth into my bones.

“Argh. ”She gasped with an open mouth.

She watched me until we both knew it was time for me to go.

“Go… I love you.” She said, turning away from me. I got in the car, watching her, waiting for her to wave at me.

She showed me to roll down the window. I had to stop. I did what she asked. I didn’t need to pretend anymore. Or hold back. If she wanted a lengthy goodbye or wanted to say something. I was going to give it to her.

“I just wanted to see if you would.” I laughed again and left before I could change my mind.

Carl was right behind her. She winced when he touched the small of her back. He moved away, apologizing, helping her inside as she’s gripped onto him. She was holding out… for me… I still hadn’t seen her back. Or knew what else she had to go through. And I didn’t think I would. I swore loudly that I had let her down. How could I have left without making sure someone was watching her.

***

Half an hour later, I was at the barracks where I had spent most of my adult life. They stopped me again. I was getting sick of it. That no one thought I would be there. Everyone thought I wasn’t coming back. I got out and walked into the strobe light. Jesse jumped down the tall tower. It had a good view down the road in both directions. He saluted.

“Get the troops in the field.” He looked down at his watch. Not to question me but to organize everything. Three men were already awaiting orders. Ten minutes later, two hundred thousand men were seated in the space where all our meetings were held.

I stood on the stage. There was not one noise.

“I have something to tell you all. The loudspeaker’s sound traveled down to the last person. A hand lifted, signaling that every person could hear me.

I go on to tell them all about En-gannim. As kids born there, they may go back if they choose to. That Qadir didn’t tell them for the whole sake of what’s happening in the world. I showed them every interview on monitors so that they had proof. I told them that Qadir wanted to control the world but that the older generations were criminals and they were using the younger ones.

That they were using us. There were so many rules for these young men that I knew they didn’t like the regime. It wasn’t only the women being pressed down by the despotism.

“Tonight. I have declared war against my father. The proof is hanging on the pillar outside his house… You all have three choices… One. You could go back. I would even make it happen for those who want to. But I honestly don’t know how you will be treated there.

Secondly, you could stay and help him take over the earth and live your life among the humans.

Thirdly you have to choose who you will align with. Me that is next in line for the throne on En- gannim. Or Qadir here.

But my plan is to first take over everything he built. Put him in his place unless the army in front of me split. Then there will be war. Demons running around eating everyone. Sickness and suffering. And the humans will side with me. But I will not force you. Decide between now and tomorrow. If you sit on my right, you are with me. If you sit on my left, you’re not. May your loyalties bring you peace… Dismissed.”

It was a good feeling. Even before I could turn… Two loud commands from the majors standing in front of the troops made the whole army move to my right. I was speechless. Emotions stirred in my chest. They gave another command. Every last man saluted me. My father was going to freak out. I released them, and the army dispersed. The murmurings created a drumming sound amongst the men.

I left. Jessy followed close. He was the administrator that night and knew me just as well as Kubra.

“First order. Move back to the compound. Join your families and sort that out in whatever way you deem fit. Stay close. Armed. The next shift release the current protection around the compound. And fill them in. Give them… a choice. Do not coerce one man in my army. I do not want anyone serving me that I can not trust. Go get me, Carl Bertram. At my house. Brings him to me unharmed.

Sort out my freaking phone and get the communications running. Set up the office in the compound. I’ll be gone for a while. Hopefully, I will get you some food. You guys seem starved…Has anyone eaten?” Jessy shook his head.

I took out the emblem that controlled the army. It hung around my neck, and I pulled it over my head. Sighing, I put it in his hand. “This is to go to Louis du Pont until I’m back. Jessy, things will change. Go with the flow. Women… leave them alone and defer to Louis. For all intents and purposes… He is an extension of my arms and my hands. We are one. Dismissed.” With every order… Jessy’s eyes had grown about twice the size. Someone behind him was taking down notes. Another already delving into a cupboard for a phone, and Jessy was on his way to get Carl.