65. Recognizing Your Mistakes

Juliet

I was going to lie again. Seemed like the only way I got to the bottom of anything. When I did something stupid. I said I would be at Charlene’s place. I did go. I took Caleb with me, leaving him with her.

“You sure you want to start spying on people?” Charlene remarked.

“I’m so bored, Charlene… I just want to do something naughty. Just give me a few hours.” I lied again.

She shook her head but opened the door for me. I disappeared and came back quickly to say something. “Wouldn’t you be doing the exact same thing?”

She nodded. “Maybe?”

“Anything you want to know about Ben?” She pushed me on the shoulder.

“No, but I would like to know what Carl gets up to so alone in his room.”

“I can do that… Bring you some gossip.” I disappeared and headed back to the house.

***

I left a window open in the laundry room earlier. So I could quickly get in. It was late. No one would check it or close it. I hoped. Everyone was in their regular routine for that time of the night. Sadly for Charlene, Carl was watching TV.

Since I didn’t want to fight with Louis. He had upped the cold shoulder to a scolding glare.

When I came out of my room in the morning, our paths accidentally crossed. He watched me with dull blue eyes. His face stoic. Ignoring me, he went into our dressing room and closed the door on me. He hadn’t asked… And I hadn’t apologized.

It had been weeks and weeks, and no one was budging. Louis stayed quiet. Marcus acted weird when the buzzing started. And Chris disappeared on me. Still not back.

So… First, I walked up the stairs to Louis’s room. Every step got heavier as I climbed up towards him. Even if I was invisible, my heart was beating fast. His door was always open. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, having a cigarette. Feet on the floor, his elbows rested on his knees.

“I would die for a fag.” I fell on the bed behind him. “I would die for a shag too.” He coughed and took something out of his mouth.

“Why do cigarettes do that. You will always have that one little piece ending up in your mouth at some stage. Or am I just drunk when that happens… and I had it in the wrong way around…”

Louis was more somber than usual. That morning he had tried. And I had turned away from him. I hated seeing him like that. He just dragged and slowly puffed out the smoke. I appreciate his body for a moment. His back was ripped with arms with so many tiny muscles. He had been training hard. He was cut to perfection. Making every bulge their own piece of art. I just wanted to run my hands over them.

“I missed your body.” You would swear he was taunting me with… all of him… that night.

There was a snowstorm raging outside. All you could see were the white specks furiously flowing from one direction as the wind pushed them sideways. The howling sound outside was beautiful, making it almost a perfect night to be up there.

“We have so much to talk about… but you don’t talk to me… So if you were wondering why I’m not making this better… That’s why... So as soon as you can….” I’m cut off by the buzzing that started up again.

I observed Louis carefully. “How can you not hear it?” He didn’t even react. Louis pressed the bud into some sand that hadn’t been cleaned in a while.

“It’s so early. Why are you sitting all alone in this dark room?” Louis fell back on the bed, running his hands through his hair. “Your hair is getting long… But I like it. Wish I could run my hands through it.”

There was a frown on his brow. “I don’t know what to do, Juliet?” Louis whispered softly.

I turned on my stomach so that my face was close to his. “So I’m doing nothing… I’m tired.” Rubbing his fingers over his eyes. “And I’m scared.”

My mind went blank at his confession. Louis was never scared of anything… His hands traveled from his eyes to his forehead rubbing with one hand like he always did. He turned around, lying down like me on a bent arm staring out into the darkness. Our faces were inches apart… his lips were right there…

“Argh, Louis come on… You know I’m an ass girl. In those boy shorts, you look...” He didn’t move and closed his eyes. “Don’t sleep now… keep talking to yourself like an idiot.”

After a few moments, it seemed like he did fall asleep… I got up and walked over to the glass window. Got lost in watching the soft flakes form a mountain on the bottom of the window’s glass pane.

“Louis… I changed into something on the farm… a demonic freak. I ate someone like a werewolf. I wasn’t like that woman behind that glass… Not yet… anyway.” I turned around, admiring the view of his back and his ass and his legs. Feet dangling off the bed.

“Michael asked me to marry him. Like a real human wedding. It was nice. The feeling of being asked to be someone’s life partner. Maybe he’s why you’re mad… I don’t know because you don’t talk to me… You’re getting tired of me… Aren’t you?” My voice was brittle. “And it’s scaring the s- out of me… You didn’t sign up for all of this. You’re starting to hate me. And I think it’s because you don’t want to choose.”

I was quiet for a moment.

“I… saw it that night you made me obey… Seeing how angry you were and that… you could make me… do what you wanted… Anyway…You didn’t want to talk to me about it on the boat either… I really think our biggest problem is that you still don’t see me as an equal partner. You didn’t promise me you wouldn’t lie to me again….” Louis sat up and turned in the bed so that his head was on a pillow and he was on his back.

“Why aren’t you sleeping yet...? Why are you having problems sleeping… period?”

He started rubbing his forehead again. My mouth was dry from talking and running my eyes constantly up and down his body. There was a little light coming in from the stairs. It cast just a sliver onto the bed and over him. Made him sexy as hell. All I wanted was for him to run his hands all over my body. I was slowly folding.

“I could just have sex with you because you’re my husband… No! Juliet, Stop!” I reprimand myself. “You want to but can’t remember! Have some self-respect… Louis! You didn’t touch me for months... Left me in Canada, and you don’t include me in your life. I feel like your sister… That sounds weird. Should I rather say, friend…? I don’t even know which is worse… I came on a mission tonight, and your smoking body is distracting me… F- I have to get out of here.”

He laughed. “I miss you laughing and smiling… I’m glad something can still give you a little joy... I remember when one kiss from me could make you so happy. But those days are long gone.”

I walked towards the door quickly. Hearing Marcus finishing up in the bathroom.

***

Louis

I hadn’t told Juliet that I could hear her thoughts when she was invisible. Or hear her voice when she spoke… Chris could touch her. It was amazing how all of us fit together.

I was waiting for her that night. Listened to her thoughts, planning her mission. I missed her so much it hurt. She was about to leave. All I wanted to do was make her stay and talk to her. Confess all my secrets.

“I gotta go… But one last thing… My answer to your question on the boat. About why I think this is a stuff-up… I feel that way… because If… I… had to choose… I will always and forever choose you… Not Marcus and Not Chris and Not Michael or whoever comes into my life...”

My bottom lip started quivering. My shoulder shook in the dark as I tried to keep back the sob that wanted to escape. I had been desperate for words from her. Words that I didn’t know she had somewhere in her mind locked away… Any words… But what she had said… Closed all the wounds of insecurities I had in my heart.

“So… It’s not that I can’t handle it... it’s if you can’t handle this and it’s “a stuff-up” for you. Just say the words… I’m yours. I don’t love anyone like I love you… babe. This is where I want to be.” There was a long pause. I gripped the sheets next to me. Holding myself back from saying something.

“But until you say the words, I will do everything in my freaking power to keep this family together… You’re not the only one that is scared and tired.”

I hear her running for Marcus’s door. I smiled, wiping away the tears. I knew I’d have to go bail her out again in a little while. Or she would be stuck in there with him the whole night. I got up and got dressed, waiting for my stupid wife… The love of my life.

***

Juliet

I ran down the stairs hearing Marcus open the bathroom door. Making it just in time, hearing the key turn in the lock behind me. He was religious in locking his freaking door. The buzzing started. He sat and read for about ten minutes. Then he walked to his cupboard and opened it. I gasped, “No Way!” He pulled out a whole table filled with books. The wall was plastered with information, photos, maps, and handwritten notes. I stood over his shoulder, watching him scribbling.

“The history of the Monarchy of En-gannim… Why would he need the history of…?” There was a succession scroll rolled open… Like a real one on embroidered material with old paper.

Ahasuerus - Alive

Danny- Dead

Qadir- Alive

Marcus- Alive

My heart sank as the weight of the situation made me sit back onto the bed. Qadir wasn’t just any prisoner. And Marcus wasn’t just unlucky in his heritage. The only one left was… Marcus? There were other names on the scroll. Dead. Eight of them.

Marcus read as fast he could, making bullet point notes. The buzzing started, and he muttered. He counted it down, jumped up, pushing the table back into the closet closing the doors. He forgot his book and had to get it. His weight made the bed move as he fell next to me, lying on his back.

The pages rustled through his fingers until they stopped at his marker. I went down next to him. I bite my lip as a picture of me holds the place in the book. He ran his finger over it. “I love you, Julie.” A pain in my chest made me sit up and grip at it. My first official chest pain. Of love. It was something I had never felt before. I wondered if my heart was breaking.

What was wrong with me? Why was I so clueless to the little cues around me. It all started when we came back from the embassy... That was why he had control over Raas. Didn’t tell me… They had all lied about so much.

Why didn’t he? Because even then, at that moment. I want to reappear in his room without thinking. I wanted to scream at him for letting someone control us like that.

But it wasn’t about control… It was about freaking going back to En-gannim and ruling as king. “F- me.” Probably worse… That I was the problem that he wasn’t going back… And I mustn’t appear to be the problem or dominating him...

Tears rolled down my cheeks. The buzzing had stopped, and he went on with his project in the cupboard. Every day… all day. He didn’t have a wife on the compound.

I laid there for the longest time, watching him do that a few times. At one stage, he was memorizing the information. Doing mind mapping and focusing. If Louis was tired and I was tired, what did Marcus feel like?

There was a knock at the door. Marcus walked over. I ran when he opened the door

“Hi, Marcus,” Louis said. “Can I come in for a minute?”.

I halted outside the door as the two men disappeared again.

Bonding? They were bonding because… we were connected… All three of us. Louis didn’t want Marcus to feel too left out… I felt like an idiot. Louis wasn’t touching me because of Marcus… I felt useless selfish, and I want to rip out my hair…

“The baby did a number on you, Juliet. Let yourself off the hook for that.” Michaels’s words echoed in my mind. I bobbed my head at myself, trying to calm down... Live for today… This wasn’t your fault. And nothing was going to make me stop fighting. I would fight till I die. Which was soon anyway, right?

***

A few more weeks passed. The house went into a completely new rhythm of exercising and studying our asses off. We did it in the dining room. All of us together. I had even tried to coax Marcus out of his room so that he was with us and helping.

Since I figured out what was going on. Charlene and I made a point to up our game. We had to push ourselves more every day. I told her everything that night. I had to get it out of my system, and I slept at her house. I had also gone into a mode of ignoring everything and letting everything be again. Just to have peace in the home.

***

“Okay Juliet. It’s your turn to spa.” Marcus ordered.

I climbed into the ring, fastening my gloves. I turned around, expecting Marcus. Louis stood staring at me. Our eyes met, but I broke it off. I didn’t want to fight with him.

“May I have the privilege today?”

My eyes shot up. I was stunned into silence. He was asking. We haven’t said a word to each other in months. I wasn’t expecting it. He jabbed at me. Hit me in the face. I stepped back. It was a hard nock. I doubled over, shaking my head feeling my nose.

“Louis!” Marcus yelled.

I lifted up my hand. “My mistake.”

Louis came at me again. My hands covered my face. Louis used all of his strength and made me move my feet trying to block his punches. Sheesh, was this where we had angry sex or what?

“Hey, Louis! Do that again. I dare you!” Marcus warned.

Louis flashes his eyebrows at me. The spark in his piercing blue eyes captivated me. I haven’t seen him like that in a while… It completely caught me off guard, and I lowered my hands.

“No!”

Marcus’s warning was too late. Louis pounded me in the face. It was so hard that I fell backward. I groaned, lying on my side, resting up on my elbow. I was failing. I wasn’t that weak. And I wasn’t paying attention.

“Wow! Easy there, tiger.” Charlene warned.

I held up a hand to her, and she backed off too.

Marcus wanted to jump into the ring. Louis held out his hand to him. Which surprisingly made Marcus stop. A hand reached out to me. Louis pulled me up. I lifted my hands. He moved fast, and a roundhouse kicked me in the side. He was pulling out all the stops. It hit my ribs. I sucked in a breath.

“Louis. Come on!”

He held up his hand.

He jabbed at me. I grabbed him behind the head and kneed him in the stomach knocking the wind out of him. Louis rallied quickly and came up. My glove hit the side of his head. He swung around, smashing me in the face with his elbow so hard that I flew over the ring. I ended up in the ropes. My head buzzing.

I had flashbacks of Qadir hitting me. It was making me unstable.

Louis cut my lip. I glanced at Marcus. Weak as a puppy, trying to keep it together. I knew what Louis was doing. I needed to feel what it would feel like to really be in a fight. We were wearing gloves all the time. It was time for them to come off. Marcus needed to face his fears. He had been coddling me.

I moved closer to Louis. I punched at him. He grabbed my arm, flinging me over his shoulder, and slammed me to the floor with extra force. I groaned. His foot came flying down towards my face. He wasn’t stopping. I needed to get on my feet.

Marcus was now almost beside himself. Not that he is showing any emotion. I had seen that look only twice in my life. He was unraveling. I kicked out and hit Louis’s knee from the side, making him falter. He stepped sideways, swearing loudly. I used it to jump up and do a flying kick to his face which he needed to block. It allowed me to fall to the floor and wipe his feet from under him. He grabbed my hair in the process, pulling me down with him. I heard the buzzing. Marcus bolted out of the room.

Louis and I were on the floor together, groaning. He rolled onto his side, facing me. Resting on his elbow. “You suck.”

I chuckled… wincing from the pain in my lip. “It’s not my fault… this is on you.”

He climbed on top of me. “Can I kiss that better?”

“No! Get off me, you ass.” He kissed me anyway. His lips were firm against mine. I opened up my mouth. We both moaned softly. We heard the footfalls of two little kids leaving.

I haven’t been kissed in months and got lost in the moment. Louis undid my gloves so my hands could reach under his shirt like I always did with him. I touched every part of him. Louis wanted the same thing and made me remove his gloves so he could roam my body until he couldn’t anymore and reached for my pants.

“Louis no…” I gripped his hand.

Our breathing ragged. I was desperate from just the kisses.

“It was worth a try….” He croaked out. His face on my shoulder and kissing my neck.

“Are you going to talk to me…” He shook his head back and forth.

“It was worth a try….” I copied him a little disappointed. Giving him a taste of how I felt. “So that was all for Marcus?” He nodded. “You’re putting a lot of energy into him… Will there ever be a place for me there?” He kissed me again, devouring my mouth. Rolling me on top of him, cupping my ass, running his hands down my thighs. Teasing me.

“I love you, baby… We have all the time in the world. I’m not in a rush.”

He rolled me over again. Got out of the ring and landed on his feet. Heart pounding, I stared after him. He stopped at the door. Our eyes met one last time. “You sure…?” His breathing still uneven.

I shook my head, shoeing him away before I caved.

***

“Knock! Knock!” I tapped lightly on Marcus’s door. He opened it skeptically. I waved a book in front of him. It took him a second, but he went back into his room and grabbed his own. We walked to the couches. He sat down, waiting for me to put my head on his lap.

I stood waiting and smiling. Shaking my head when he eventually looked up. Slowly he scooted down, watching me. I sat so he could put his head down on my lap. I don’t know why it was okay as long as I pushed the physical contact. Telling him what to do.

I pretended to read when the buzzing started just stroking his hair. Raking my fingers through the soft strands.

When the buzzing stopped, my hand began to wander. Feeling soft skin. The ruggedness of his stubble. I played with his ear, and I massaged his temples and the muscles in his face. I could see he had forgotten entirely about reading. I bent down. “I’m okay. Sorry, we had to do that.” I saw him gripping at the book in his hand. Marcus had one weakness.

Since he had taught us some behavioral signs of people… In the ring and out. Watching people for those micro-expressions of lying or giving away their own thoughts. Listening to what they said and what they didn’t. It had helped me with my training, my fighting, and how to handle people. I observe the whole time and try to act rather than react.

That was the first morning that I’d asked him to read again. The first morning I thought I could handle it without giving anything away.

The front door opened. We both sat up and turned. Marcus jumped up and headed over to Chris. They greeted, talking a bit. I was taking in all that Chris was. Rugged with a full beard, manly and woodsy. Like a guy chopping wood without a shirt every day.

His eyes met mine from the door. I was stunned into immobility. Marcus’s gaze drifted from me to Chris and excused himself.

“No! Marcus… I’ll go. You guys… catch up.”

They stared at me like I would grow snakes out of my head… Which was very possible. Because… me acting… All adulty… Made me want to scream.

***

My birthday brought about spring around us. Marcus let us start training with guns and swords. We could go outside and set up a range and places to practice. It kept us busy focusing on new things the whole time.

Charlene and I had become little warriors able to do almost everything to a decent standard. Since practicing with Louis… Who didn’t hold back… I had become… something else.

It was still hushed in the house. I didn’t speak to anyone. Just focused on Caleb. Going for long walks with him. Watching Chris and Caleb. How they got on. He was really good with him.

When I was in Canada, Carl and Charlene had started with finishing their EGD. When I got back, I jumped on that bandwagon quickly. I wanted to at least say that I finished high school on earth. Marcus, Louis, and Chris were always together. It was so funny for me… I was the odd one out.

I kept telling myself that we could go on like that.

It was bizarre when I came into a room. It was so awkward that it made my skin crawl. All of them would keep quiet, staring at me. I just forced myself not to react or say one word to any of them. An underlying rule was that I wanted to be left alone. Chris tried a few times. I just couldn’t go there. I couldn’t keep my cool. And deal with them. Or sort out all of our relationship issues. Michael had given me too much credit. Knowing what I knew about Marcus and Louis made me want to try. But I was slowly failing and had no one to talk to. Wondered too often if I should take Marcus up on his offer.

***