《The Lazy Edgy Protagonist Is Lazy and Edgy Today As Well》4-Doughnuts Arc②
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Gavr shivered in my eye. If you could see her, that is, she's shaking, but technically she's an ice blue eye but in my mind she's boobs. I mean, she's an angel. No, she's boobs. Why would I bother correcting myself there?
"Sugar! No, you mustn't! According to my analysis, these are 'doughnuts'! Entirely sugar, with sugar topping, with more sugar toppings! It can lead to tooth decay-" Gavr prattled on, waving her wings about scattering feathers around. I know what I must do, I mean, what I want Buer to do for me.
"Quiet. Gavr!" Buer interjected with a roar as always. "Our lord and master on high, the great and prestigious and most lazy and despicable being in existence, Laom! -has already chosen the course of action, even invoking one of the six hundred and sixty-six forbidden techniques. Do you honestly think you can stop him now?"
Buer danced me forward like a puppet. I have little concern for the look on the china girl's cheongsam- oh wait I'm just looking at her boobs again. My eyes traveled down to the slit near the thighs as Buer conveniently leaned me over the counter to peek. It must have been terrifying for her, poor girl. A strange man like me, clad in a long black leather short-sleeved trenchcoat with specks of blood scattered here and there, wild hair going every direction and any direction, a bandaged arm on my face with one eye(my red one, it's red of course, like blood, see?) and a limp body floating slightly over her counter and into her face to satiate my momentary lust and curiosity.
"Um, can I help you?" A nervous voice came from above my sight line from the girl. Within my view, I could see them near her thigh slit, the smell tickling my nose. Yes, the "doughnuts". This is what I'm here for.
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It was at this point that I was at a loss of what to do. Gavr?
"It's a shop, Laom. You don't remember? Buer, order the items and give the girl some money," Gavr said. Her tone submissive.
That's right. This was one of my forbidden actions in this world. I would not think of anything ever again unless it suited my desires! Just because I knew what a shop was but that didn't mean a had any intention of handling this myself! That was true in my past life as well! Do you really think I've never walked into a shop as Prince of Troi? Well, actually, I didn't, come to think of it wasn't my life sheltered? Anyways, it's not like Buer knew what a shop was from his time in hell or his time here. As all I've done before is-
"Gavr, what are you talking about?" Buer raised his goat legs as if they were shrugging and sighed. "We'll just kill her like usua-" He stopped because he sensed my intention. No. Not here. This is my first time, personally, in a shop, of my own volition, in all the years of my life. I would not decry that meagre effort on my part. Nor would I deny the now shaking chinese girl in front of me a smooth business transaction!
She's pretty after all. Her dull brown eyes were wide open in shock darting from side to side. Why? Gavr!
"She noticed the female jiangshi you rode in on..."
Damn it all! Quick, Buer! Distract her with money!
"What all this about money, Gavr?" Buer questioned me. Sounded like he really wanted to know. Good thing Gavr gave him a full explanation in detail as I hung there over the counter after casting a 'spell of holding there' on the china girl who made to run. Good. I was worried about her being too afraid to take my payment. Moreover, isn't it your job? Everyone can't be lazy like me.
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"... I see. To think humans don't even barter with souls and flesh and instead use pieces of cloth. How barbaric. Very well! So the money's in this receptacle here, huh?"
The cash register was wrenched open with gravity magic. A pile of bills floated and handed to the china girl frozen sweating, and my mouth moved. Another one of my six hundred and sixty-six techniques, "Social interaction number one! - voiceover by Gavr because Buer would just scare everyone while Buer moves my mouth!"
"Um, could I have a dozen with sprinkles?" asked Gavr out loud in her heavenly voice as the holding spell disappeared. Buer setup a barrier of summoned demons behind the counter, their massive forms with muscles bulging as the china girl tried to scramble away. She stopped as the crumpled money landed in her hands, tears streaming down her face as her eyes went blank and she delicately laid the money away in the broken register first, then opened up a box mechanically and retrieved the donuts, shaking as she went.
Now, I know that Gavr knows about how things actually work in the human world. She knows that I know. She knows Buer doesn't know. Her explanation saved the girl's life, because I can't be bothered to actually control Buer directly anymore. Thus, the gentle tug of war lead to this unfortunate situation where I used the store's own money to buy their own product. And thus, my will to respect the motion of this world was complete, and so I urged Buer to put a donut in my mouth and chew for me and as I did-
I realized this didn't taste like demon flesh at all. What is this? The smell, it was just a lure for the taste! I've been tricked!
Gavr's eyes gained a new bright light sensing my emotions. Yes, this was her plan all along, wasn't it? To tempt me with actual food again, whose taste I had forgotten in my escape from hell! And so it was then that I remembered lots of things.
The china girl fainted as I chewed. Wait, aren't I horrible person? No, I'm the absolute worst person! I had forgotten normal human interaction entirely in those early days out of Hell, and now I was remembering!
That was the very first time that those thoughts occurred to me since coming to Earth.
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