I slowly come to in the infirmary. I remember, I remember what happened but it seems like a distant memory. I gently try to raise my body up but immediately find that I am held down by straps. I call out but no one answers. We were just after a battle; why is there no one here? The machines beep and tick and click but I see no life besides myself. “Hello,” I cry out louder. Why have I been forgotten here? I’m scared. I struggle harder and the straps start to yield but they then push me down harder. “Somebody, anybody, help me.” I fight for my life against my imprisoners; I’m not going to be tied down, discarded, and dissected. I am a man! I am a marine! I made promises! The more I fight the harder I am held down but as long as I can move I will fight. Whoever put me here is finally taking notice; I can hear them muttering somewhere around me. I cannot make out what they are saying but it doesn’t matter, I will win or die. No inbetween! They are muttering louder but I can feel the straps struggling to hold me. They are calling my name but it doesn’t matter; I am not going to stop. Somehow they strap my entire body down, a massive weight crushing me. It forces me down and they are talking next to me: “Kel, please. You’re dreaming. I need you to hold still.” I can see through their lies; I’m not going to stop. That voice, masculine and powerful, keeps begging me to hold still but I resist, until it whispers something so deadly I can do nothing but surrender. I only vaguely heard it it was so quiet but… I don’t know. I suddenly feel far more confused.

The weight is taken off everything but my chest, my arms, legs, head, and hips are all firmly secured as I realize a machine is opening me. I start to struggle again when that voice, the hypnotic voice, starts whispering quietly again and making me hold still. Clearly they have some way of controlling my mind since I cannot bring myself to move as my chest is opened and that awful clawed machine reaches inside. I do everything to fight the moment I feel that thing touch my heart. The voice is shouting now: “Kel no! Sergeant hold still; that is an order! Hold him down until they can turn him off!” I fight my best but I suddenly feel like falling again.

I slowly come to in the infirmary. I remember, I remember what happened but it seems like a messed up dream. I gently try to raise my body up but immediately find that I am hold down by straps. I call out and I see someone, Sergeant Jacobs, come next to. “It’s okay Sergeant. You’re in the infirmary. Try not to show too much, quite a few guys in here waiting for new parts or recovering like you are; let them rest too.”

“I had a nightmare. I thought I was going to be experimented on, cut up and thrown away.” Sergeant Jacobs touches me gently as I start to feel anxious, his touch surprisingly calming.

“I know. You collapsed and started dreaming and they could not shut you off. The entire squad had to hold you down as they extracted your heart with you fighting the entire way.”

“They saw… my heart?”

“Yes. Don’t worry. I know you’re a big fan, some of them are too from the way they acted when they saw it, but no one is going to think anything less of you.” This is less reassuring than I would like.

“What happened Sergeant?”

“It seems like the extra energy mode you have actually managed to damage the hardware in your heart and you started dreaming vividly. Probably the reason you acted so passionately at the little remembrance we did for Davis. Before you saw anything: you did well. They are feeling a bit better, it takes time for the wounds to fade and you helped. Luckily they are also smart enough not to go into too many details about it.”

“What should I have said? I mean, I made a promise…”

“Kel, we can discuss that when you feel better, okay? Right now you should just relax and recover. They had to open that container and install new parts directly on your heart so you need to take it easy right now. Since you were dreaming someone will need to be with you at all times and the orderlies are not strong enough so it will always be one of us.”

“Did you see… inside?”

“Yes. I wanted to make sure they weren’t pulling a fast one on us.” I whimper in shame. “Don’t worry. It’s a good heart; I could see that. Listen to some music and if you need anything I will be right here.”

“One thing, since you owe me for looking at my exposed heart. I heard someone, I am pretty sure it was you, talking to me as I was dreaming. They, you, said something though. I could not quite understand it but simply hearing it stunned me. If it was you, what did you say?”

He studies me for a bit, tapping his fingers on the edge of my bed before leaving my vision. I hear him then tap his fingers on his leg. “Later. As long as it worked it was worth it. That’s all you need to know for now.”

“But, Sergeant Jacobs, isn’t my security clearance higher than yours?”

I get back a less than amused, “stow that line of crap Sergeant. Don’t tempt fate when your superior officer is right here.”

“Sorry there Sarge.” I am tied down and miserable; tempting fate is at least amusing soundings.

“Kel, I swear I will make you run laps outside this ship for hours if you try my patience one more time.” Annoyance and amusement mix quite nicely in his voice and I know I have pushed my luck to the absolute limit.

“Sorry Sergeant. Being strapped down makes for idle entertainments it seems.”

“O…kay then. Please let us know right away if you feel different at all, alright? We cannot get you back into top shape if you don’t let us know.” Now he seems concerned. What’s wrong?

“Certainly Sergeant. Is everyone else doing well?” I want to change the subject; his concerned is odd and seems unwarranted given I am the infirmary surrounded by technicians and doctors.

“Yes. Why don’t you rest.” That was not a suggestion. “You could be here for a while and then there will be the question of what to do if being in combat threatens to damage your heart.”

“First, how are we doing? They said this could be a huge win and dramatically affect the war. Did it?” The longer this goes on the more likely that more of the squad will die.

“Don’t know. We’ve been in the dark since we took the ship yards. You’ve only been out for two days.”

“Expected time of freedom at least?”

“Not sure. Based on what I overheard it would be at least three days from today. Try not to listen too hard Sergeant, friendly advice for the moment, but you’ll go stir crazy as you try to figure out what they are saying about you and what it means. You are not a technician or medic of any kind so it in the end is just jargon.”

“Will do. How much longer will you be here?”

“Hmmm? My shift finishes in under an hour. Lance Corporal Higgins will be here next. We’re doing four hour rotations so no one is away too long for their duties.”

“Alright. Ever wonder why the orderlies aren’t bigger, so they can handle cyborgs like us?”

“Not really. We’re a pretty small minority. Just happened to have a lot of us crammed on this ship. The energy costs to run us are staggering so why invest energy for a small number of situations when you can just make other big guys take care of us is the train of thought I suspect. To be fair it isn’t a bad one.”

“Well, what about…”

“Sergeant Kel, rest. That is an order now.” He cuts across me sharply.

“One more question?”

“Fine. Ask and then you had better be resting. You’ve tried me enough in these few minutes.” He is less annoyed than he is trying to say but still I am done irking him.

“Why did they not strap me down when I was dreaming?”

“They did. You broke them. Don’t try that; you need to not output so much energy you break your heart again.”

“Mmm, heartbreak,” I mutter in response, trying to get comfortable. I do keep quiet after that though, listening to restful music as I just wait for time to roll by.

The squad members rotate over the course of the coming days in a regular cycle: Jacobs, Higgins, Smith, Brown, Jones, Johnson, Martinez, Rodriguez, Miller Wilson. I speak to them a little but in general they let me rest. I was so worried at first they’d view me with fear or pity, but it seems my over-the-top speech lit a fire in them that this cannot quench. They make their support known and are happy to converse with me, provided I also keep my rest up. Turns out that is particularly good advice since they are intentionally keeping my energy low so if I push too hard I struggle to maintain any form of coherence. They tell me little about their lives sadly but I do learn bits and pieces of where they came from, why they signed up, and what they like to do when not trapped in the belly of a space whale. I also learn we have no news at all about reinforcements or even what is happening in the war. I remember they said if all goes according to plan we would get reinforcements a week after the initial attack, so if they aren’t here in the next day or two I will begin to worry.

As a contrast to the friendliness of my squad, the personnel here give me a wide birth. In spite of Sergeant Jacobs’ warning I found myself straining to hear them once; that was a mistake. The meat and flesh workers really don’t view anyone of us as more than machines with tiny bits of people left in to run them; they see us very differently than a pilot in a fighter. I stopped listening in from then on because I really don’t need that sort of stupidity. I could tell Miller was not as incurious as I was as he clearly became upset by something and refused to tell me what the reason was. Even when I pointed out that I knew it was because they had said something particularly offensive he refused, saying that it was too awful to repeat. I took his word on it.

It was during the fourth day awake there and the sixth day there total that I was finally released back to my squad, escorted by Johnson and Martinez back to my quarters. They left to inside and said Sergeant Jacobs would be with me later and not to contact anyone until then. I heard them take places outside my door and wait there. What’s going on? This is the kind of stress I assume I’d be told to avoid when getting out of a hospital setting. I initially just lie down and wait, not wanting to burn my unknown energy supply any more, but the boredom eventually gets to me. I go to the desk and quietly take the pad out of the desk and look at it, studying the pictures of Frank’s sister. The child she’s holding looks weak and ill, like he’s struggling to survive. I did not notice before when his enthusiasm was so great but she honestly is not looking tremendous either. I wonder if there’s anything I can do help? As I keep flipping I watch the child grow older but honestly the look of struggle balanced by her desperately forced joy never seems to fade; in fact in times it etches lines onto her face. My studying is interrupted by the familiar sound of the oncoming storm, the squad marching. I carefully try to put the pad back the way I found it and slip from the desk onto the bed. It is not long before I hear someone enter the room.

Sergeant Jacobs slides into the room and I stand at attention. “What’s wrong Kel?”

“Sergeant, you ordered me isolated to this room.”

“Kel. Kel I did it for you. Sit down and remember our deal about formalities.”

“Yes, right Frank.” I sit down a bit rigidly. “What’s going on.”

He does not respond initially, sitting at his desk and reaching for his pad. Before he grabs it though he stops. “Kel, did you touch this?”

“Yes,” I admit. “I was bored and worried. I just wanted to see something happy. I thought I was in deep trouble as it was.”

He just nods and adjusts the pad slightly, out of my vision. “I am disappointed that I need to tell you not to touch my things. I thought you’d have more respect for my privacy than that.” He’s not angry in the slightest; he really is just that disappointed.

“I’m sorry Frank.” Offering any help for his sister seems like a bad idea at this point. “That was wrong of me and I have no excuse.”

He just does that whole body sigh of his. “I accept your apology. The fact you did not do it out of some perverted need to pry into my life for looking at your heart is good at least. Thank you for being honest.” I just bow my head. I think I just blew it.

“Well, since that is done why don’t we just talk. I held you here mostly because there are things you need to learn and get through your system before I let you back into the general population.”

“Really? Really Frank. Really.” My vocabulary has temporarily broken and I am hoping the conveys my annoyance.

“Yes. A lot of the flesh and blood troops are unhappy that we were given time and space to hold any form of tribute for our dead. In fact I am hearing that on some ships they weren’t. The decisions were left to each ship’s captain and it seems a good number did not feel that it was a good use of their time giving remembrance to scrap. All the meat have received actual funerals while we got a little private time.”

“Then what did they do with their bodies? Their hearts?” I am beginning to grow agitated. This is absolute crap.

“Scraps the bodies and junk the hearts, simply put. The marines, flesh and metal both, are up in arms but the Navy is unconcerned. Seems a critical number of sailors were openly antagonistic about us not being just trashed and ‘insulting the dead by pretending we understand what it’s like to lose a friend.’ We fight, they don’t, but we don’t need open conflict now.”

I just fall back on the bed. How could they treat someone so awfully? Even the corps gave a token effort when it came to remembering any of their fallen workers. “Really.” The statement says so much, says it all really.

“We’re on a slide to disaster, because someone leaked the audio to your little speech at the service for Davis. Not sure who; the entire squad it was not them, but that has managed to spread throughout the whole fleet. I am worried some uppity sailor is going to lose his temper over a ‘machine’ and cause a huge mess. That is why I kept you quietly here today.”

“Two questions. First, is that why you kept someone watching me and second there’s no ID stamp on the recording?”

“No to the first; we really there to keep you company and help if things and got. No to the second; we have no idea who made it. The audio was clearly acquired from inside the room but is in mono. We don’t hear like that and none of us have the engineering skills necessary or programs uploaded to manipulate the audio like that. Trust me, they looked into it… deeply.” I shudder at the thought. I still remember that there is a copy of my memories in some database somewhere.

“How long until it is my turn or have they already looked?”

“I was told a backup was made when your heart was extracted and they just examined that. It was odd though… They found no sign of any music, really any entertainment, although there is some corruption they need scrub out at some point. They only noticed it because there are ten terabytes of space wasted due to extreme fragmentation. Kel, what’s in those fragmented files?”

“Not fragmented, just some technical sorcery I learned early on as a wage slave. No clue why it’s so big though. My music files are only a terabyte though and I have nothing else secured like that. I can do a quick self scan and take a look at the results if you want.” Where is all the extra noise coming from? You’d think I’d notice a near percent of extra memory vanish. I start the scan and it says it will take a little over an hour to complete. “Bit over an hour. What’s going to happen to me now? Oh, and thank for not immediately assuming that I did it when no one was looking.”

“I looked into it as soon as this came to light, as did the investigators. I don’t know what they found but I see no evidence of any wrongdoing on your part, so unless you just lied to me and have some very sophisticated programs in there you did not even try to access the ship’s local net while you were in the infirmary. Trust but verify,” he explained. “I had plenty of reason to not suspect you but seeing more evidence of your innocence did not hurt at all. As for what is going to happen to you, it is probably best if you lie low but I am confident this will die down as everyone gets focused back on the war effort.”

“Will I be able to get my hands on any energy? I don’t know how low I am but I don’t need a battle to start and then hit critical ten minutes in.”

“I will handle that. Right now just stay safe and keep your head down. There is no good was to resolve what will happen if you are forced to defend yourself.”

“Do you really think that will happen?” I have never heard of someone doing such a thing but given how controlled information is it could easily be suppressed.

“No. I expect that someone will punch you, break their hand, and whine like the space squid they are. That would still be more trouble than its worth so let’s just be proactive while we can. I have a lot of procedural reading for you as well as some files just for general speaking advice. I cut a lot of the unnecessary stuff out of a book on the subject for you. It is insanely old but the advice is plain, simple, and solid.”

“Any chance I could just read the entire book? In case I miss something important?”

“Sure. I’ll send you both files as well as everything else after your scan is done. Right now I need to do some paperwork but just say something if you need me.”

“Yes Frank.”

“Oh, and conserve energy still. No using the fancy sensors. Apparently you are keeping them at a moderate level at all times. I am glad you are getting used to it but we really need you to not collapse again.”

“Yes Sergeant.” I turn off the sensors and I suddenly feel extremely vulnerable. The data they were providing always in the back of my mind, being sorted and analyzed and fed into my conscious brain, not sure how actually. I keep the music playing, a lovely song about winning, and keep watching the Sergeant, my Sergeant. No,I need to not think like that. He said we needed more time. Man, I wish I could keep it under control though, but that feeling someone who knows everything about you is as awful as it is terrible as it is so deeply enticing. My thoughts wander back to how Davis seemed to just know everything to make me feel warm and alive. It is not long before that memory melts into Lieutenant Kies and how he knew exactly what to do to make me feel what he wanted and make sure I had no choice but to obey. I shudder and desperately try to cover my body trapped between the violation and the pleasure. I don’t want to disturb Frank, but the feelings have me suddenly sick, my body is not my own, and I cannot help but reach for him. I click the tips of my fingers together and he turns and sees me doing whatever it is I am doing and suddenly he swoops in and I can feel his presence around me.

“Kel, I am here. Don’t worry, I am here.” I just try to relax as I try to forget, purge, the thoughts in my mind but the truth is my body feels electric as my heart is shuddering with the corruption. “Kel. Stay focused on me.” He puts his hands on me, hard; the touch is not sweet, gentle, or loving but hard and controlling; it actually hurts quite a bit. He rolls me over and holds my shoulders firmly. “Focus.” I try. “Focus on me.” It’s too hard. “Keep fighting. You’re not what happened to you; you are you. Focus on me.” His grip is really starting to hurt, but the pain is a good focus point. I force myself to calm, aided almost entirely by his crushing and the rest by his constant reassurances; I could not begin to do this by myself.

Once I finally relax a bit he lets go. “Back with me?” I nod. “Good. I am going to continue to do that paperwork, but don’t be afraid to ask for help from me, ever.”

“Even when they give me my own squad?”

“Even then. Reaching me might be difficult and I will have more immediate responsibilities but as soon as I can I will help as best I can. That is promise.” I accept these words as the soft blanket I need, the kind you have as a child. I wonder what happened to mine? My parents had it because… well I am not sure they would let me even see it if they even talk to me. The fact that he noticed so quickly was good though. Very good. My thoughts are starting to soften for some reason.

“Sergeant. Tired.” He looks at me.

“I requisitioned an emergency battery to charge you here for now. Just drop down so the scan continues and your heart is fine. Power up if anything goes wrong. I will stay here until we can get you some charge.” I just lay down into the softness, music playing and the slow flow of information on my HUD fading. It is not long before I end up sitting inside myself.

The forest once again surrounds me; a welcome change from being trapped in darkness. The star in the sky shines what little light can be seen coming through the trees. It’s refreshingly cool and an intoxicating smell surrounds me. No one speaks to me. I just rest quietly, all fear forgotten, the in the land of Tír na nÓg.