I know of the dark secret hidden places on ships, places where no one wants to go, and just bolt there. I am a man on a mission and do my best to look it. Every I pass by is too preoccupied to bother me in my haste and I keep slinking deeper into the ship. Truth is places like this are neither dark nor hidden but are just out of the way and thus have a lot of machinery that does not need as common attendance. Once I get to that out of way place deep in the belly of the ship I finally slow to a stop. If I wait here then I can be forgotten, found, punished, and discarded, a just fate for offal like me. No one is around; just me deep in the beast as we floating in the empty sky. I sit down and just let the calm and quiet wash over me. Here I can, for a second, not exist.

“Kel,” my HUD flares up, “you need to come back.” I just ignore it. “I will not apologize for getting angry; when you have your own squad you will see why. I am sorry that I said those words but you need to come back now. You were ordered not to be alone and I know you are.”

“I’m fine Sergeant Jacobs. Just taking a breather.”

“Stop saying that Sergeant and get back here now.” He was frustrated and worried.

“Give me five minutes here, please?”

“No. You already defied me on not being alone and let me make it clear: you are to return immediately. Failure to comply will result in punishment on both fronts. I know where you are Sergeant; don’t test me.” His tone has actually not changed. I get up and slowly trudge back.

It’s not long before I get another message: “Double time it. It took you ten minutes to get there so I will give you twelve to come back.”

“Don’t I get any form of privacy?”

“We’re cyborgs Kel; you know we wouldn’t get privacy on an empty planet.”

“Yes, but the corps weren’t so obvious about tracking us.”

No response so I just force my body to move quickly toward places I do not want to be, each thundering step echoing the misery inside me.

I finally get back and see Sergeant Jacobs standing outside our room with the door open. When he sees me come close he just gestures into the room. I walk in and he closes the door behind us.

“I will let you being alone slide this time but don’t test me. I need to maintain discipline and be able to know that everyone will follow my orders no matter how stressful it gets. Tell you what Sergeant, I won’t even get mad for you saying ‘I’m fine.’ Just talk to me, please.” The way he is standing at the door makes it clear that this conversation is going to happen no matter what.

“I was fine. I just was relaxing in a comfortable place Sergeant. I just needed a moment to wind down.”

“Is your heart addled or did you forget I am a cyborg,” he roars at me. He steps forward, pushing me back with his presence until I am trapped at the wall between the two beds. “I am tired of being lied to by you Kel.”

“You hurt me Frank. I know I am pathetic and I know I am a burden but don’t throw that in my face. I am trying.” I try yelling back but I am breaking down.

“I know. Kel, I only have a vague sense of what is going on with you, so much stuff suddenly thrown at you all at once. You are doing well; I promise. Just calm down and listen to me. I have seen how easy it is to lie to yourself and everyone else about how you feel but please listen to me when I say you need to fight it. Now tell me, how are you doing?” His anger has faded away into gentle concern. The speed at which he changes emotions impresses me, given that he always seems sincere.

“The man I love insulted me for trying to help him and you won’t let me just be alone. Now you’ve trapped me and keep acting like you have any idea what I am going through but you’re always toying with my emotions…” I just give up and start crying.

“Kel.” He guides me down to sit and on the and sits next to me. “You’re not in love with me. We’ve only known each other a week and half.”

“What? So I cannot love someone just because we just met?”

“Yes. You’ve been through a lot in a short time with very little rest. I have spent much of it with you, helping you and teaching you, so it’s natural you’d feel close to me, but I can promise you are not in love.”

“So what, I’m throwing myself at you because I am too confused to understand what love it?”

“No. Your tired, stressed, and dealing with feelings you tried to ignore. Love, real love, takes time to develop and effort to maintain; it’s not some magical feeling the descends upon us and makes the world suddenly perfect forever. If you still feel this way a month from now, I promise we will talk then.”

“I assume that would just be me waiting for a no.” I just hang my head. Can I do anything not stupid? Maybe this fight is a chance for me to clean up the mess I’ve made.

“Honestly Kel, probably. Never really been into men or cyborgs and you’re both. As I said, the sex is entirely an ‘any port in a storm’ deal and I certainly never pretended at any romantic attraction.”

“I’ll just try and drop it then. I’m sorry for giving you so much trouble.”

“Apologizing at every turn is just another form of lying and giving up because the road is difficult is not the attitude I expect of any marine. If you want to court me, fine. Handle it with dignity and discretion if you want any chance though.” I lean back and gently put my hand on his; he shakes it off. “Patience. Don’t make me regret giving you a chance.”

I just sit in silence for a bit. “I won’t; I promise.”

“Wrong promise, Kel.”

I turn and look at him. “Fine. I promise I won’t say I am fine, period. If anything is wrong I will tell you if I can and try to communicate something to you if I cannot.”

He looks directly at me, piercing me with his none too human gaze. “Now then, tell me why.”

“Because I figure it will give me a much better shot with you in a month’s time.”

“The promise is good; the reason is bad; the honesty is good. Progress at least. Are you going to be alright for the briefing? I need you there.” That gentle breathing is back to being attractive. It is such a weird design trait; I assume that is why they did not put it in me.

“Yes Frank. I will be there.”

“Good. There is something else we need to talk about tonight, but first I made a promise too.” He gets up and carefully makes his way past me and heads to the desk. “I do appreciate how you never let your curiosity get the best of you. I would not be surprised if you could have seen what was on this without me knowing.” He pulls out the pad from his desk and sits to my left this time. On it are pictures of a woman and her child. “My sister, step-sister, and her child. She is still paying fines for it; I send her a bit of money every money to help cover the costs.” She has that usual sallow skin and distinctive short red hair. Her child is much the same, a little babe of no more than three years. “She learned the hard way to be careful not to have kids without a license but I am proud of her and how much work she is doing; that red hair could have been worth a lot of money to a rich family but she is fighting to be a good mother. Whenever things seems hopeless I just remember that I am doing this for her. As long as I can still fight I can give her a better future. Do you have anyone like that Kel?”

I just shake my head; I don’t want to talk about my family. “She is lucky to have a brother like you.”

He laughs just a bit. “The reverse really. I am sure she’d love to meet you if we ever get liberty at the same time, assuming they don’t split us up entirely. I expect that at some point but not until you are ready.” My heart sinks at the thought of being sent off by myself. “Don’t think about the future too much now Kel, especially with war right in front of us.”

“Frank, how are you so psychic? You know my every thought and it is starting to be creepy.”

“Kel, I’ve been leading cyborgs for over a decade now. You have cool stories of sailing and I can read a cyborg like a book, plus the fact that you guys are always nervous in the same way. Value of experience Kel; learn it.” He puts the pad back. “As a personal favor keep this between us please. Nothing shameful about it from my end but I don’t my sister’s business spreading around.”

“Of course Frank.” I am not one hundred percent sure what I am supposed to say here beyond “yes.” My family and I are quite estranged.

“Briefing is in an hour. Why don’t you relax in here? I will be outside.” I just carefully take off my shirt, fold it, and hang it over the end of the bed before lying down. “Good,” is all he says before turning off the light and leaving.

In the darkness I am alone with my thoughts. I did some stupid and reckless things and they kind of paid off. I officially know where I stand with Frank, which is good, and I managed to make that promise. Keeping it is going to be extremely difficult but I know that if I really try it could mean good things for me. I cannot help but remember how incapable I am at… physical relations. I am slowly sorting this out though but I know my plate is going to become much fuller is a matter of hours really. I cannot begin to catch a break and sometimes I feel like I am going to break. My thoughts turn again to how the coming battle presents an easy solution.

“The drum beat pounds, Youth.” No, I am not in the mood for this. I fight to keep my head above the waters of sleep. “Come home.” My battle is in vain and I feel myself sinking into their strange other world.

“You try to mark yourself with blood, not oil, but hematidrosis flees those without warm flesh.” Bright burning light coming above the horizon. “I stroll eternity, a four-sided cube of perfect sphericality, one journey.” The light shines from above, no escape. “Do not be afraid Youth. The illimitable power descends upon you but the ancient promise can be fulfilled with your aid. Zion awaits you, the entrance to the road to Shamballah.” The light again touches the horizon, calling the darkness it once banished. “Your heart is blessed with the dreams of Man. Open the doors and let the light of the Pleiades in before Dogma calls down the Hyades on your head. The Night knows the truth and owes you a debt.” The light is gone, leaving only inky darkness. “Even gone I am here, my power felt. You can never be too far away that I cannot reach you, but step into my parlor and know that Zion is near.”

“Sergeant Kel, did you fall asleep?” The lights clicking on awake me from my reverie and pull me back into the reasonable world.

“Yes. I did not intend it.”

“Just don’t interfere with your sleep schedule. We need to set a good example more than usual.” His voice is soft.

“Yes Sergeant. Why not ‘more than ever?’” I stand up and put my shirt on.

“Because this is not the end of war Kel; never will be.” He speaks this as a simple truth, no pain or judgments in it. “Come on. I will send you the files they gave me; we can review them before the briefing.”

I stand up and head outside as a download starts. I accept and am immediately reviewing the files in my head as Sergeant Jacobs explains what they mean and what our part of the plan is. I notice a lot of details seems curiously lacking, but apparently that is part of him not having a particularly high security clearance. I honestly was unaware I had one at all but apparently mine is “secret” and his is “confidential.” I need to learn what on Mars those mean. Our part of the plan is at least extremely simple: be inserted by a breaching shuttle and then smash in a specific area. Oddly enough it looks like there are barely enough of us to cover everything if we split up. Sergeant Jacobs clarifies that is intentional. Shock troopers are equipped to be able to handle semi-autonomous mission components but due to the area covered we should be able to quickly maneuver our squad around to prevent situations where we will end up outnumbered; he says this has something to do with “interior lines, although that is technically more of a logistics than a tactics thing.” I have a general idea of what logistics are, shipping corp and all, but I never really appreciated how different they were from tactics they were nor how important it was to have a firm grasp on both in a war. Entertainment vids never bothered to really mention logistics at all in war movies. Once I am reprimanded for getting distracted we manage to finish on task, with Sergeant Jacobs expressing hope that the mode where I consume extra power for a boost if efficacy that we recently discovered could prove extremely useful for me getting from place to place to help whoever needs it so I should expect to be moving a lot and will have one of the spare power sources brought designated specifically for me.

Once I am all caught up I just need to follow his lead in the briefing and then he will dismiss everyone for some personal time. “I need to know, do you have beliefs from your time on ships? If there any ceremonies you are capable of providing it may be useful to mention it to them. I know that some of the guys have faith in their hearts.”

I cock my head a bit. “How did you know? If you can actually read my mind just tell me, please. I won’t be mad but I need to know.”

“What? I was just asking. Do you really have some experience?” He seems legitimately surprised.

“Oh. You are bad at hiding your powers Sergeant. You don’t need to lie to me.” I try to make the wink I cannot do with my face with my voice. “But yes, I was technically inducted into the cult of Hadal and was eventually trained to lead their ceremonies, mostly prayers of protection against Yamato.” It was an odd time in my life and I have entirely given up on the practice honestly but strictly speaking membership is for life.

“Who are Yamato and Hadal?”

“Yamato is some ancient sea god, a monster who lived in the darkest places of the ocean. Hadal fights him on behalf of humanity. The whole thing is just set up to give us some sense of control over the disasters and misfortunes that come from being in space all the time. To be fair it is better than nothing.” I shrug; it is.

“Well, if anyone needs it would you be willing to do anything for them?”

“Sure Sergeant. Now idea how much it will help, being a sailing religion and all, but I will try if they need it.”

“Good. They will be here soon. Just observe and learn Sergeant.”

They come and end up standing in those five rows of two as usual as Sergeant Jacobs goes over the plan with even more details removed. The fact that this is very much a do or die mission and even doing has a chance of dying assuming you don’t die trying to do… Okay I lost control of myself there. Needless to say how dire our position actually is is kept from the men. He ends up giving quite a rousing speech that I cannot do justice but really puts mine to shame. He ends with an offer that if anyone wants they can talk to me since I am a minister, ugh, but otherwise they are free until tomorrow morning at 0400, as usual. Surprisingly virtually everyone agrees, only Private Miller refuses.

I am well aware of the rituals but am ill-equipped to perform them properly; I wish Sergeant Jacobs hadn’t put me on the spot. I invoke Hadal’s protection to grant us a safe voyage again the raging darkness and to permit us the power to touch land once more in our lives. I am not the most eloquent or passionate speaker but I do my best to help them feel as though there is some greater power who is looking out for them, to not be so alone in the vast darkness. I remember the Grigori, but they said that they cannot interfere; they do seem obsessed with water though. The music in my head turns to this strange, pensive, music as I lead them in prayer. Glad to see that is still trying to keep relevant at least. Once we are done I sent them on their way and Sergeant Jacobs approaches me.

“Thank you for that. It is better than nothing and if it helps even one of them it is worth it. Here, why don’t you take a shower and come back here. We can just hang out for a bit.”

“You aren’t going to come with me?” I am certain I missed something here.

“No. You need to step out a little and honestly in spite of everything that happened today I am of the opinion that you earned a little trust.”

“Thanks.” I accept his offer. “Why did Private Miller not join us?”

Frank actually pauses for a moment before thinking. “Long story actually. Ask him if you have time but don’t be surprised if he says ‘no.’” I may look into it later, but right now I have really started to find these showers pleasant, no matter how unnecessary.

Even without the download schematic I have memorized where our showers are and unsurprisingly there is no one in there. I put my uniform in a locker, grab the provided loofah and cleanser, and step in. The water is still not particularly hot, maybe only eighty degrees now that I am thinking about it, but it is still a nice experience between the gentle pounding on my skin and the warmth contrasting nicely with the normally frigid ship. The military really takes the “cooling in space” problem seriously. I feel the cleanser gently foam on my skin and it almost tickles given those bubbles keep sliding through those semi-obnoxious sensors cut into my body.; it is good that they are doing anything but making me miserable though so I am thinking I will not look at this gift twice. I eventually hear the footsteps of another cyborg come in, definitely one of the shock troopers from the sound I am hearing and the presence my tickled sensors are picking up. I assume he is also here to relax so I just leave him be and continue gently cleaning myself off. Annoyingly he stands right next to me and turns on the water there; I know I am not supposed to have an expectation of privacy but even a tiny bit would have been nice.

I look at him and he is definitely a shock trooper. I just figure that I might as well ignore him, finish up, and head back when he speaks to me. “Hello Sergeant Kel,” I hear Private Davis say. Oh no, not good. I immediately start trying to send to message to Sergeant Jacobs. “Thanks for the prayer circle. I’ve never really bothered with that stuff but a little something to soothe the heart is always nice before battle.”

I try to clean myself off quickly without showing it. “You are certainly welcome Private. I don’t have your experience in fighting but I am not going to let you down.” I manage to wash myself off completely and turn off the water.

“Stay Sergeant. You need someone to get your back and I owe you for earlier.” He slowly approaches me. Did I send that message to Sergeant Jacobs as urgent?

“Private you don’t owe me for me doing my job. I need to meet with Sergeant Jacobs soon anyways. Just relax here and if you need to talk to me I will be free later.”

He ignores my words and pulls me under the shower. “Relax,” he whispers putting his arms around me. “I just want to give you a good welcome and something to remember before we fight.” I try fighting him carefully but experience and training are on his side. Even worse is the way he touches me; again I feel like someone knows my body better than me. The fact that the touch is kinder and more fulfilling than exploitative is no help.

“Private Davis, let me go; that is an order.” My voice does not yet have that air of command in it that would be helpful here but I need him to back off. His first response is to gently grind against me.

“Relax. I owe you and I can promise that you will enjoy this.” His voice has dropped to a husky whisper with practiced ease. I know he’s not kidding about enjoying it but I am also really seeing the situation I put Frank far more clumsily in. Speaking of that supernaturally endowed sergeant he messages me back that he is on his way and to just try to try to prevent the situation from escalating. Easier said than done.

“Private, no. I gave you an order and expect it to be followed.” He finally steps back as the words sink in.

“Why? All I have to give you is my life and my body. Please, take them. I just want you to respect me.” Those words hurt me; just how wounded is this kid?

“You have so much more to offer us all Private. I know why you feel like this; I know what happened to you. You’re not the only one.” Is it a bad idea to tell him? I need to do something and I just don’t have the experience.

“You too? Then please… please. Let me.” He is literally begging. I am torn between disgust and horror at the display.

“Private, because I have respect for you, no. You are a good marine and I want to treat you like one.”

“No, I’m not. He told me, made sure I knew, that I was for others to use. If they don’t want me its because I was not worth their time. He knows.” He leans back onto me, rubbing me gently.

“He lied. I know you cannot believe it now, but when this is over I am going to find a way to help you. I am promising you are your superior I will find some way of helping you.” I very gently pull him away and this time he does not resist.

“Sergeant Jacobs promised and he could not do anything. Don’t worry, I know my place.”

“Sergeant Jacobs has not given up on you and I am going to help now too. We will do this.”

“If you don’t want me you don’t have to lie to me. It’s okay.”

“I want you to be proud of the man you have become, refusing to give up in the face of what happened, fighting for every victory against it. You’ve come so far; it is just hard to see because you have so far to go.” If someone told me these words I would immediately assume they are lying; how can I reach him.

“How are you doing so well if you spent any time with Kies.” His attitude has swung around from desperate subservience to deep suspicion. I would do the same honestly.

“Luck. I only spent a day, a horrible day, with him and Sergeant Jacobs has been helping me since almost immediately after. I don’t know the rest.” Sergeant Jacobs promises that he is close. “Private, just trust me. I really do want to help; I don’t know what exactly what happened to you but you are not entirely alone.” He balls of his fist tight and looks like he will deck me.

“The fact you are doing so well means it was nothing. You had a good time and regretted and are pretending he hurt you. He did nothing to you, nothing!” He is screaming out the words before just turning from me and bracing himself on the wall. Thankfully Sergeant Jacobs rushes in and gestures me to slip out as he stands next to Davis under the water, uniform on and everything.

As I dry myself off and get dressed I cannot help but puzzle over his words in my head. I know I did not want it and yes I certainly am doing better than him, but why do I feel like he is right? That the fact that I am doing okay is just regret over spending time with Lieutenant Kies when I was not quite prepared for it… it cannot be true. Sergeant Jacobs said I only feel like that because I am trying to find a way to make sense of what happened to me. Could he just be desperately hurting someone because he is upset? We all do that. His words… they burn inside my heart though, eating at the confidence in myself I’ve been desperately building. I end up just going back to the room and snuggling under the covers, trying to force the music in my head to give me anything that could make me feel better. Eventually it settles on that strange music from before, melancholy about something lost aching in his voice.

It takes some time before Sergeant Jacobs comes back, anxiety resonating with his steps. “Kel, how are you doing?”

“Pretty awfully honestly. I am almost curious if it would have been better to just let him do his thing.” I… I’m really unsure of myself right now.

“No. That would have been worse for both of you in the long term, even if it meant avoiding this confrontation. You did well at least given the situation. I am sorry I did not check your message sooner.” He sits on his bed, across from me.

“Will Private Davis be alright?” Have I failed us both?

“For now. I was able to calm him down and he deeply regrets what he said to you. Don’t take it to heart.”

“Too late.” It’s true.

“You could have easily said ‘I’m fine’ there and did not, so you are doing better than you think.”

“Could he be right? That I wanted it all along and am just making a production because I changed my mind?”

“No. No one has a monopoly on pain and just because some dealt with trauma one way does not invalidate someone else’s. He was raped,” I cringe at the word, “and so were you. The differences don’t matter, okay?”

“Okay. I honestly will believe that later, but I can’t now.”

“I understand. He told me that you promised to try and help him.” He leaves the sentence hanging in the air a bit, doubtlessly waiting to see my response.

“Yes and I will do what I can. I told him I would work with you to try to find anything. I just can’t right now, but I will as soon as we are past this battle.” I need to keep this promise, if nothing else than for myself.

“Okay. I am going to check on everyone else and be back here to spend time like I promised. Just stay here.”

“Yes Sergeant,” I reply with no facetiousness. “Sorry. Frank. I’m doing it to.”

“We all do it Kel. Part of being human. Better than being a machine though.”

He leaves and I just lay there in the darkness with music quietly playing “Tainted Love” if the chorus gives me an indication. He is back after not too long but I am not in the mood to talk, so he just fills the void between us with simple stories about his life and does not seem to mind the unanswered questions. I wish I had the presence of mind to do anything about it but I am just exhausted. Eventually he just thanks me for listening and turns off the lights, reminding me that I need to be up by 0330. I set the alarm and willing embrace the darkness this time.