Turns out we had a week and a half before we reached our destination, which I was not allowed to know. Sergeant Jacobs at least comforted me with the fact that he was also not permitted to know. Being on the bottom of the totem had a lot of downsides but it was better than nothing I suppose. I was definitely getting better and was working hard to learn on how to lead, follow, and keep on working in spite of anything. The time leading up to when we reached our destination went decently, with only a few instances of me just giving up, insulting Frank, and saying “I’m fine.” Eventually the order comes down for meetings of some kind all over the place; Sergeant Jacobs says it’s like so give everyone what they need to know. I end up discussing it a bit with him the night before.

“Honestly, I am nervous. These past few days have been pretty… pathetic. Are you sure I’m not just going to be dead weight?” I am worried since it seems that every time I try to experience real success I cripple myself. At the rate I’m going I’m going to scuttle the entire ship with my inability to simply stay the path.

“I wish I could tell you everything will be great and you will do amazing and we will be so proud, but that would be a lie. The truth is some or all of us may be dead in a few days. I can tell you that you have worked extremely hard these last few days and I am glad you’ve shown some real trust in me; that is a very good sign. Kel, you should try to go to sleep now. The briefings officially start at 0600 but I want us up at 0300 to be ready to address everyone at 0400. This could be huge and we need to work hard to keep their morale up.” I listen to his words and suddenly find myself thinking of the things I never did. I am finally finding a new lease on life as I come to its possible end, the irony… I think? I want to say something but I also know my head is a lot more messed up than I realize half the time and just decide to let it go. If it was worth saying I would have said it by now. I just relax and fall into sleep, waiting to wake up in what is a moment to me.

“A moment to us all, Youth, is a wildly different thing. You slip grain by grain to Samsara while we leap from Mountain to Mountain. Shamballah awaits you atop the Ninth Ascent, in a land far above the rising Sun. From there you can touch the Pleiades while wet with our oils and free all mankind.” Wings and arms and light again. He is playing some instrument; keys struck and air sings. “You can be the Kalki, Youth, the promised one our ancestors awaited so long ago.” I walk toward him. Such power, grace. “Dogma has set the galaxy on fire; you must find the flames until you reach the home of Artemis and follow the road to Zion, where we await your answer.” I do not understand anything he says but I cannot help but listen. “My poor Youth, you were hurt and so you hurt others and now pain will come for you from land and sky. We cannot protect you from what comes next. If only Israfel could sing you to peace with his lyre that stilled all of Heaven we would all be better off. That angel’s power may yet save you though. Embrace the waters; fall. You will see what comes next.” I hear pounding and crashing behind me and turn: the ocean. I step into the foam and see how meaningless I am; I cannot go further.”

The dreams all came so rapidly and had been gone for days I had begun to suspect that is was just some weirdness in my heart; apparently not. Who is Israfel and how will he save me? I don’t… I don’t understand any of this. The confusion has me worried it will set the tone for the day ahead. It is only seconds later that my alarm goes off and I see Frank start to stir. I would brag about the synchronization but we did that yesterday. Still cool to see though. I get up and get dressed so I don’t arouse suspicion. I reach for my shirt and accidentally brush against him, but he says nothing. We stay silent until we are both dressed.

“Kel, I want you to talk them,” he says suddenly.

“Wait, why me? I have so much less experience. What happens if I say the wrong thing?” My brain is rushing to try to think of what I might say and why and what to do how much they are going to be mad at me and how terrible I am at this because I am so nervous and… He stops the frenzy with a simple touch of his hand.

“I will handle the big day, okay. I am not asking for a speech to change the destiny of us all, just a few words to help keep them focused on the task at hand. You need to learn to do it so here’s the crash course. You’ve seen me speak to them; you’ve seen them talk to each other. You don’t need to be a genius to figure it out. Besides, you have a whole hour to ponder just a few words. Honest ones are best generally.” He navigates around me carefully and goes to sit at the desk. “Think about it.”

“Okay, I’ll try” I go and sit back on the bed and turn on my music to help me think. As the strains of an unfamiliar song strike up I try to think of what I did absorb over these last ten days. I know so little about them overall, but I just need to say a few words, right? Diffuse them tension, keep them focused, but how? I ponder the question on the bed for some time, not saying a word, until inspiration strikes from my music. The moment that woman sings the word “eclipse” I have an idea about how to go about this.

“I am ready, Sergeant Jacobs.” I stand up and stretch my legs; some meat habits are never fully divested.

“Kel, didn’t we agree about when formality is appropriate?” He actually seems a little hurt, probably because I refuse to use his name when I am upset.

“Sorry, Frank,” I chuckle. “I promise I am taking this seriously. I just got caught up in the formality of everything and called you the wrong name. Friends still?” It is probably not wise teasing him like this but I am thinking that I need to do something to show him that everything is fine.

“We’d be a lot friendlier if you promised to stop saying ‘I’m fine’ but otherwise your apology is accepted. Care to share your thoughts?” That hurt still lingers in his voice; I suddenly feel like human refuse again.

I sit back down on the bed. “I think I will just keep it a surprise. Let you judge how I am doing as I am working.” I can feel my previous confidence slipping away under the weight of my iniquity.

Frank taps his fingers on the desk rhythmically, like he’s playing an instrument. I noticed he does that when he’s thinking in certain situations. “Kel, I appreciate you try to keep flexible but do feel free to let me give you advice as well. It is my job to teach you but I need to know what you are thinking.”

I sigh internally, “I was going to mention that none of us have any idea of what is going on, but in my heart I know what little time we spent together was well spent and that from here on out we need to fight to be the soldiers that people need us to be; to be the kind of warrior that is remembered in the hearts of adults and children for centuries.

Frank taps only one finger a few times. “You are really focusing on the heart thing pretty heavily. I take it you are a big believer in that?”

I nod. “You aren’t? I have never met one of us who is not super serious about it. It’s the last part of us that is truly human, what keeps us from just being machine to be used and discarded.”

“I know it is important, but I never really wear my feelings like that. I always view the heart as a more personal thing. Can’t really judge though since I just hide how angry I am when people make fun of it.” He puts his hand on his chest and just relaxes for a moment. “It is the ‘me-est’ part of me, isn’t it?”

“Yes. I’ve had mine touched too much lately, but physically and mentally. Sometimes I just want to fall…” I shake my head to try to clear my thoughts. “So, you think it will work with the guys?” I am truly a master of smooth topical transitions; the engine oil of conversations I am.

“Yes. Go for it. I don’t recall any of them being shy on the topic.” He is talking unusually slowly and see distracted. He eventually slips his hand under his shirt and grabs that pad from his desk and stares at it.

We stay this way for some time, quiet and calm, until it is getting close to when we agreed to gather briefly before the big pile of meetings. “Frank, are you going to tell me what that is?”

He just looks at me. “One promise, Kel. That’s all it’ll take.”

“Tell you what, we make it back from whatever this is, I will make that promise, no matter what.” I stand up and walk near him, careful to not look anywhere I could see what he is looking at. Regardless he quickly flips it over as soon as I get close.

“A promise to make a promise is pretty weak Kel. I except better from you or anyone under my command.” He flips the face down piece of tech back into the desk and leaves the room. I need to do better but I just can’t. I’m just not worth anyone bothering to make better.

I leave the door and try to put my feelings behind me but I can feel their weight on me and part of me cannot help but wonder if I would be better if I did not have a heart; I could be used and disposed of and no one would care of complain. I see everyone, Sergeant Jacobs standing before those five rows of two and know I need to force myself to go, to keep fighting. Maybe I can use the fact they believe in me to tide me over until I believe in myself.

I gaze at all of them and begin to speak, “Thank you for being here promptly. The truth is we are now just starting to learn what is happening in the world and what will happen to us. Sergeant Jacobs and I will be going shortly to find what we are permitted and will pass on what we can. I want you to know already that I have been privileged to work alongside you all and hope that this partnership continues for some time. For now let me say I am truly glad, in my heart, for the time we have had together, however brief. We are once again about to delve into an unknown future that threatens us with darkness and despair so let me say now: fight to become someone worthy of being remembered in all hearts. Let your deeds speak for ten thousand years, long after your names are forgotten, and keep the dream of a better future alive in everyone who is touched by what we will soon by doing. We can accomplish great things if we work together and we will leave an indelible light for everyone who is afraid of what will come: there will always be someone to protect you if you just remember.” I am not sure what some of those words mean or where they came from but I think I did alright. “Dismissed. We will schedule a briefing as soon as we are able.” They walk off with nary a word in their two straight lines. Maybe I did not do as well as I thought…

“Not too shabby Sergeant Kel, but try to avoid showing off your vocabulary. As a general rule enlisted, especially cyborgs, focus on a more practical education than ivory tower nonsense.” It feels good to hear him complimenting me though I cannot be sure how well I did. The speech was for them, not for him. “Don’t worry too much. They are all nervous right now but I am promise you they are grateful. Let’s head off to wait for when we are supposed to have our briefing.” Damn that mind-reader; I knew they weren’t a rumor. Once he moves out I follow him quietly. I have the ship schematics now and punch them up on my HUD just in case but this a bad time to fall behind regardless. I don’t need to be stressing out anyone any further.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

We waited outside a briefing room with a number of other shock trooper sergeants and corporals. Sergeant Jacobs mentions to me that Second Lieutenant Dubois will be handling the briefing. He says that normally the chain of command is a bit more comprehensive regarding ranks but given the awkward nature of containing a lot of troops on ships that are not explicitly troop carriers things can get a little strange; I can except to experience a more normal chain of command if we end up setting up a proper base somewhere. It felt like we were in a rush to be here and now we just sit; supposedly this is not “hurry up and wait” but it an “appetizer of that particular joy.”

Right on time we are let into the room; I meticulously stand next to Sergeant Jacobs at all times so I do not end up doing something stupid. We all seem to file ourselves by some system I do not recognize so I just stand to the good Sergeant’s right and wait. It is not long before a small cyborg, not even six feet, walks in. I am somewhat surprised; I have never actually need a cyborg in any sort of position of authority before and I rarely see anything but the huge bodies for labor, and combat of course. His uniform does confirm that this is Second Lieutenant Dubois. His relatively small size does nothing to help his gravitas but not everyone can be a monster that cannot be denied. He stands in the front of the room being towered over by the massive war machines arrayed before him. “Sit,” he says the word with little anything to it, clearly accustomed to his orders being followed without any added force behind them. Everyone is seated at once in a single unified motion, the only outlier being me and my undisciplined self.

“To catch you all up quickly, the group of colonies known as the Triangulum as officially declared independence and begun to attack anything allied to the Martian Government. We are part of two task group that are going to try to cripple their logistical abilities early on so at to prevent a protracted war. We are now at a special place designed to let us reach their ship yards above Nova Jove. They are the largest of any ship yard and if allowed to operate at full capacity for any period of time could spell disaster for the war effort. Once the Navy’s ships engage the defenses we will be sending in Marines to try to seize control of the facility long enough to disable its automated defenses and either force them to relinquish control of the area or destroy the facility. I need to be absolutely clear: due to how we are getting there is mission is essentially one way. If we retreat it will be through light-years of hostile territory after having suffered a defeat against their defenses. Capturing that facility is paramount and destruction is a last resort if it is clear we cannot hold it for reinforcements.” He flicks his wrist and a map appears of the Victory Ship Yard.

“Each of your squads will be going in first and have a different breaching point.” A set of indicators appear on screen, each numbered differently. Do whatever you can to clear as wide a space as possible for the rest of the invasion forces. Your goal will be ensure that their breaching points, here,” a different set of indicators appear. “If you fail it is likely this whole operation fails so make sure that each of your men understand that they must succeed at any cost. I will send each of you a detailed map of what zone you need to maintain in order for the beach head to be secured before the secondary landing.” He takes a moment but nothing seems to happen for me.

“There has already been action along the greater front to distract the enemy from what we are about to do so initially we can expect enemy reinforcements to be delayed and minimal and the possibility of an enemy counter attack can be entirely negated by a highly successful assault. You are the linchpin of this strategy. Do not fail. You will receive individualized orders later today. The operation launches tomorrow and we will be at the ship yards 6 hours after we depart. Dismissed.”

Everyone stands and shuffles out in some order, not a word spoken. Once some of us are a ways away though the chatter pours over: “how crazy are they;” “six hours after departure;” “this is mandatory suicide.” Sergeant Jacobs is silent though as we worm our way back to where our squad’s quarters are. “This is madness. I don’t even know how half of this is actually going to work. Fly ships under heavy fire? A four hundred light year gap covered in 6 hours? Even if we win we will be trapped there for years, assuming we don’t die first.” He punches the wall, angrier than I have ever seen him. “I have no intention of throwing their lives away like that.”

“What do we do then Sergeant?” I have never seen him this angry, showing his rage to the world. A rude sailor I’d just slap or ignore but I really want to help him and just don’t know how.

“Our orders. We follow our orders Sergeant Kel and we do our damndest to make sure they come back alive. I’m not going to start a mutiny but I am not going to abandon them either. You’re going to help me do it too.” I put my hand on his arm and his body is positively vibrating.

“Of course I will. We’re in this together and I’m not going to run. I will make all of you proud of me. From the shaking and tone I assume you have no idea how to do that beyond ‘win fast and win hard?’”

“No.” He has to practically vomit the word, coated in bile and rancor.

“Then we will do that. If I really go all out I should be an asset still.” I step closer to him, trying to let him know I am here.

He whips around and gets right in me face, millimeters between us, as he furiously bellows “And if the ship is blown apart! And if the transport is shot down! You and your fancy equipment cannot protect them from that! What will you do then with your stupid tin can and no clue what you are doing!” Okay, so that hurts. A lot. I know that I have put him through a lot in the few days we’ve been together but I really thought that we had started to really understand each other. I thought he liked having me around, but I should have listened to my doubts. I am just a waste of his time and he needs to focus on protecting his men, not some guy with delusions of relevance. I deserved what happened to me and I don’t deserve to be with him. I turn and run. He does not call out to me.