The Things that goes bump in the night.

“It was a dark and stormy night.”

“Wait, Captain, how can it be stormy when we are inside a tree?”

“Shut up, let me tell my story!”

“Fine, it’s just the details matter a lot here.”

“OK, ok, I got it, it was a dark and quiet evening.”

“How is it quiet, Captain?” Egg added “We are surrounded by rushing water. It sounds like we are directly over some raging rapids.”

“God damn Egg, let me tell my stupid story,” I sighed.

“Oh so, you said it yourself. Your story is stupid. Guess I don’t need to listen then.”

“God damn Egg,” I got annoyed. “Plant your ass firmly on that bench and let me finish the god damn story!”

“Is that an order?”

“YES, THAT’S AN ORDER!” I yelled.

“Sure thing, Capt.,” Egg laughed and sat down.

I sighed.

“Ok, it was a loud and dark night. We were on our boat minding our own business.”

“No we aren’t, we’re listening to your stupid story.”

“For god sakes Egg, don’t make me throw you overboard.”

“I can swim.”

I want to rip my hair out right now. But I really don’t want to end up bald like Egg.

“Egg,” I said dejectedly.

“Yes, Captain?” Egg replied with a smug smile on his face.

“Just go do your own thing.”

“Sure thing Capt.” He walked away with his hands behind his head, whistling.

“OK, now that we got rid of the annoyance, let’s continue.”

“It was a loud and dark night. We were all sat around an iron stove listening to good ol’ Captain Brie spin an epic yarn of fright and terror.”

The windows in the kitchen were rumbling from the turbulence. It gave off an eerie feeling.

“A pot of chili laid upon the iron stove, its deep peppery aroma permeated the room,” I took a spoonful of chili and shoved its deliciousness into my mouth. “But even with the rich savory delicacies being consumed by everyone, the frightful feeling remained.”

The Sinclair Jr. rocked back and forth as it flowed on the river inside the root. Debra was keeping her steady so no one was worried we might hit the walls, but the creaking of the wood created an eerie feeling.

“Out of the darkness, comes a creature that embodied the nightmare of all sailors. It feasts upon their organs and ground their bones to dust with their powerful teeth. It was a Wogglebog, the nightmarish demon from the depths.”

“Captain, your naming sense is a piece of shit.”

“…Egg, I thought you weren’t going to listen.”

“You yell loud enough that I can hear over the roaring of the river under us.”

“Well, stop listening then.”

“Then yell less.”

“Fine.”

I rubbed my temples.

“Anyways, where was I? Ah yes, the Wofflebug.”

“Wait, did you changed the name already?”

“SHUT UP EGG!”

I coughed from anger. My crew was trying their best to hold in their laughter.

“Anyways, the Wofflebug is a deadly shapeshifter who dwells in the dark. They take on the form of what you fear most. Most are too terrified to fight back, thus resulting in an easy meal for them. Those who fight will soon realize they cannot hit them, for they are made of darkness.”

A waved my arms back and forth to emphasize nothingness.

“They say only the bravest warriors survive an encounter with a Wofflebug. Only a true warrior who can conquer their fear shall know the deliciousness that is a Wofflebug steak.”

“Wait, they are edible now?” Egg said from his room.

“Yes, they are extremely edible! Some may say you might die from bliss if you consume too much of a Wofflebug.”

“So, eating your fears can kill you.”

“Yes.”

“Captain…you’re insane.”

I blanked.

“W-why?”

“I am not making you waffles just because you made some random monster up that sounds like waffles,” Egg sighed.

“B-but my waffles…”

And that’s when the dam burst. My crew burst out into laughter.

“Great story Capt., A+ material!” Jobs said with a monotonous voice.

“Coming from you, it doesn’t sound sincere at all…” I slumped down, a single manly tear shed from my eyes.

“Egg, you’re our only chef. Everyone else would probably burn down the kitchen in an attempt to make a sandwich,” I cried.

Egg sighed. “Fine, I’ll make waffles for everyone tomorrow,” He shrugged his broad shoulders.

“I want strawberry jam on mine,” Jobs said.

“I’ll take pickles,” Rigor said in his ghostly voice.

Everyone stared at him.

“Pickles?” We all asked him.

“What? Pickles are great,” He replied.

We were all silent for a moment. Then we just sighed and accepted it as part of our lives now.

“You learn something new every day,” Jobs said.

“Hey Rigor, go ask Inky what she wants.” He nods and fades into the floor boards. A few moments later, he returned.

“She said she wants syrup on hers,” Rigor said with a slight hint of disgust. “I don’t get why people want something so sweet with their waffles.”

We all looked at him in shock.

“Rigor, your ghostly sense of taste is really weird.”

“I’m amazed that ghosts can eat,” Jobs said. “You should let me study you sometimes.”

“Sure.” Rigor replied. The two always are sharing research ideas anyways.

“What about you Debra?” I yelled into the tube.

“I’ll just eat mine plain, thanks, Capt.” her voice replied from the other end.

“Debra said she wants hers plain.”

“I heard,” Egg said. “What about you?”

He looked at me with his eyebrows raised.

“Hmm, let me think…” My train of thought flies away as countless images of waffles popped up in my mind.

“I think I will take mine with slices of banana and honey.”

A deep frown appeared on Egg’s face.

“Captain, are you sure you want that?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Well, it’s your funeral.”

“Huh? What?”

“Nothing, nothing. I’ll wake you up tomorrow for breakfast.”

Egg’s words worried me. But the prospect of waffles in the morning kept me optimistic.

The chili kept everyone warm during the cold night. Egg was our best and only cook. Perhaps it’s why I have him his nickname, but I don’t remember now. He has full control over our kitchen and makes sure no one else approaches it other than for eating purposes. I wasn’t kidding when I said the rest of my crew will start a fire in an attempt to make a sandwich, it has happened before…twice.

The first time, Beatrix was putting a slice of grilled salamander on her rye bread when it was just engulfed in flames. We had no idea how it happened. It was as if she was cursed to never make food.

The second time…well, I’m pretty sure Jobs and Debra did it on purpose. They were testing their new flamethrower’s ability to cook a prey to an instant edible state. Let’s just say results were catastrophic and he had to spend an entire month repairing the damages.

To avoid a 3rd time, Egg locked down the kitchen to all but himself.

______

Although the sky was not visible through the dense wood ceiling above us, our internal clocks were telling us that it was time for bed. Everyone turned in for the night. We didn’t know how long it will take us to reach the top, but we could only assume eventually we will hit a leaf.

I pulled my blanket over myself as the damp cold air leaked into my room. The eeriness of the glowing river below us and the dark green wood above us was complimented by a strange wind that blows by every so often.

The wind would seep through the cracks and crevasses in the wooden frame of the Sinclair Jr. and make strange noises.

I suddenly realize I couldn’t sleep. Was it the anticipation of waffles that kept me up was it something else?

“I couldn’t have been my own story right?” I whispered to myself in the dark.

“Naw, it couldn’t have,” I reassured myself. “Wofflebugs are totally a made up thing.”

Suddenly, a loud knock on the boat followed by something wet landing on the deck.

I hid under my covers as if a sheet of cotton could protect me from the menace that was outside.

The floorboards creaked under the weight of the intruder. Suddenly, my door was blasted open. Literally, blasted open. It bent under the pressure.

“Oh Charles, I’m baaaack!”

I screamed it laughed, I screamed some more.

“Charles, come hereeeee.”

I scrambled to get out of my bed.

The creature was covered in moss and was completely dripping with water. In the dark, it looked like an eldritch horror had intruded upon my room and is now preparing to eat my delicious innards.

“Please, don’t eat me, I don’t taste good!” I screamed.

“Oh don’t worry Capt., I’m still satisfied from ‘eating’ Debra,” The creature laughed.

“Oh no! Not Debra!” I lost it.

The monster cackled into the night.

“SHUT UP!” Egg slammed open my door into an even worst shape. “People are trying to sleep here.”

“Egg, it’s a monster!” I pointed at the creature.

“Oh, welcome back Beatrix, how was your fight?” Egg said pleasantly surprised.

“Huh?” I blanked again.

I looked closely. It really was Beatrix. She was just covered in moss and was soaking wet.

“I kind of lost consciousness and woke up when my head hit the ship,” She stuck out her tongue and hit her head.

“But look, I got something out of that fight.”

She opened her bag and pulled out something gray and disgusting.

“It’s one of Nidhogg’s tentacles.”

“Wait, it had tentacles?”

“Oh right, yeah he can grow an endless number of tentacles. Those things can paralyze anything it touches”

“A-are you all right?”

“Don’t worry, nothing weird happened,” Beatrix smirked. My imagination went wild.

“Anyways, it should still be able to produce the paralyzing stuff.”

“Give it to Jobs, perhaps we can make something useful out of it.”

“Using tentacles to make something…” Once again my train of thought trailed off.

“Beatrix, go get a good shower. You smell like mold and wet mud,” Egg held his nose as the smell suddenly reached him.

“Sure, sure,” She turned to look at me. “Don’t worry Charles, I won’t eat you,” She licked her lips.

I felt a cold chill crawl up my spine.

“Not yet,” She whispered.

That chill turned into a full blown blizzard.

I froze and didn’t move a muscle as she walked out of my room. Egg just shook his head and went back to his room.

I breathed a sigh of relief. The wind blew by and suddenly, it hit me.

“Uh, guys? My door is still messed up.”

It was a wet, cold and dark evening.