Suffocation.

The feeling of weighted breaths and uneven pulses. Chest heaving trying to find some sort of relief for the pain that you feel inside.

Loneliness?

No. The feeling of being alone and yet feeling lonely are two different things. I’m used to the feeling of loneliness. It has broken me apart and eaten me from the inside out. I can no longer be broke or hurt by it seeing as I’m already shattered.

Depression?

Maybe. The travesties and horrors of depression are not few. They spread until they take over your entire body. They take away your happiness, your will to live, and the ability to care for yourself. Knowing the things I know and having seen the things I have the feeling only gets deeper and stronger. Since I was a child I trained to be in my omada. Not that it took very much work. No, it was quite easy for me. Since before I can remember I was always like this. Isolated, untrusting, paranoid, hopeless.

But in myself I found the strength to carry on. I became independent. A warrior. But I’ve always been connected to the shadows.

Shadows are part of the dark. They hold secrets untold and mysteries unveiled. And for many, that is indeed a good thing. For what wealthy and powerful person does not have secrets they need to keep hidden. The power of the heart and mind can only bear so much. And when that capacity is pushed to the threshold they take everything to the shadows.

The shadows which are hated and even feared by some. And yet shadows also hold light. For there could not be light without darkness just as there could not be strength without hurt and sorrow.

And no, going through pain doesn’t make you weak. If anything it only makes you stronger. The pain you go through sheds light on your weaknesses. And when you know the bad you can also understand how to make it into something good. That is not to say that people will do that though.

The mind of living beings has always been so weak and fickle. It can turn on you in a matter of seconds. You never know what the outcome will be. There is no fine line between good and evil. It’s always been a grey area with no true absolute borders. And yet when we do see these lines they can be so blurred. You can do the worst thing in the world with only the best intentions and vice versa.

That’s not to say that your intentions make things better. If you do something bad with good intentions that doesn't change the fact that your action was bad. Some people just have no sense of right from wrong. Though in their mind their actions are pure reality will always eventually catch up.

I guess though, that I tell these things to myself for my own benefit. The taking of innocent lives at the cost of freedom and safety for everyone else. But it was not their choice to be sacrificed. On the contrary, it should’ve been no one's choice. But it was mine, and my ancestors, and the people before them.

When will the madness end? When will the monstrosities of our less than modern world subside? The Fenrir family has been the protectors for so long and yet not even half of the mysteries have been solved. And HE is not yet dead.

But I swear it on my name, family, and my omada that I will bring him and his people down to their knees. Even if it’s the last thing I do. And nothing can get in my way. That blurry line has already been crossed and the time for war is now.