It had been over a year since she first arrived in the city. Almost a year since Johnathan had disappeared. Life moved on. Azura had tried to deal with the Phoenix as best as possible with not much luck as the voice appeared more often and she could sense it’s presence within. The stronger it was becoming, the more she felt the urge to suppress it. Something she failed miserably at even with the help of Dr. Nicolai. Frustrated, she had stopped the sessions three months ago hoping it would bring her peace of mind.

A turbulent three months where inner and outer confrontations only became worse. The friendship she had built with Lucas had been severely tested with her extreme anger outbursts but despite it, they’d grown closer, yet she still couldn’t tell him everything. The raging feelings inside, that ball of fire, ready to explode, the fact she was a creature they all despised.

In the end, the only one she could fully confide in was Dr. Jensen. Now she sat across from Nicolai and as soon as he finished some paperwork on the computer he turned to face her. He had not changed one bit over the past year, unlike Azura. The way she carried herself had completely changed. She sat in the chair like a confident woman, her hair still cut short; just above her shoulders. She’d even put on some weight but still was thin and lean with broad shoulders as most climbers had.

"How are you doing Azura? It's been a while. How are you coping with the Phoenix and controlling it?" Azura shrugged as if she didn't care but the confident twinkle in her eye betrayed her real intention.

"I’ve come to the conclusion that it can't be controlled. It's there in my head, in my body, feeding on my rage and anger when I feel it. Worst part is, it's getting stronger and more demanding. In the last few months I’ve had a lot of time to think it over and I’ve realized I won't ever be able to control it. It won't accept it...it’ll keep pushing me over the edge."

And you like it.

The voice caught her off guard even though she was expecting it. She twitched her head slightly to the left as it spoke up, chipping away at her confidence.

"And I don't like being pushed over the edge. So maybe I do need to learn to accept it so it does become a part of me… As frightening as that may sound."

It only took you a year.

"I once asked this question a long time ago Dr. Nicolai." Azura bit her lip, showcasing her insecurity about the matter. "How can I accept this thing that has killed my best friend and hundreds of others?"

Dr. Jensen watched her with a sort of slight amusement. He could tell she was struggling to try and keep a facade that she was in control. Her contradicting herself in words and behavior made her look almost bipolar.

The old man cleared his throat and took a moment to think it over. "Are you really ready this time around? I can see you’ve come such a long way from the first moment you walked in here but I wonder if you're emotionally ready. Physically yes and I can see and feel you have come to terms with most of your past as well, but you are still emotionally blocked."

If only you would let me come out and play.

She flinched. The answer was not what she had hoped for. Not from Nicolai and not from the voice. She sighed and leaned back in her chair as she closed her eyes.

"Then help me to get ready." She tried to hide her frustration and disappointment.

"I can't. This you have to do on your own, but I can offer guidance and help get you on the right track. If I just go in and break the wall that's keeping your deepest emotions behind it, you will get crushed by them."

I could do it for you.

"Well, shit."

Dr. Jensen smiled as she spoke up. Her simple down to earth reaction was one she would not have said a year ago. It wouldn't be long now before she was ready.

"Trust yourself. You're always scared to fully let go, afraid of what you might do or what might happen. If you manage to be able to fully go into a moment and trust yourself, I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for.”

Azura buried her face in her hands and stifled a groan. “I don’t know how much longer I can take this, Nicolai. The more I feel at home, the more I feel alienated by hiding. I am lying to them, to everyone! I am what they all hate, how can I ever tell them? If I let myself go, there’s going to be bloodshed one way or another!”

“That’s what you think. You should have more faith in your own capabilities.” Despite Azura raising her voice, Nicolai stayed calm.

“I have faith in myself, I trust myself! The one thing I don’t trust is that bloody Phoenix inside me!”

Maybe just try to give me your trust

“Maybe you should trust it and it could surprise you.”

*

Lucas was cooking dinner when Azura walked in. She took a peek in the kitchen and chuckled as she saw him walking around. He was wearing his best jeans and a neatly ironed shirt with a big apron to keep his clothes clean. Everything but his usual attire. The smell made her mouth water though.

"What’s the occasion? I rarely see you so dressed up!" He turned to her and flashed her a genuine smile.

"Nina. She's coming over later tonight." He took a plate out of the oven filled with sweet potato slices. Azura groaned as she looked at the food.

"That...looks so damn good!" He let out a laugh and she turned her attention back to him. "You finally want to make it official? And I finally get to meet her?!" Her enthusiasm only grew. He shoved her to the table as he placed the last pot on it. She sat down and he removed his apron before joining her.

"You don't get to meet her, unfortunately. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow morning. At eight I'm kicking you out and you can have some fun at Rose’s."

Azura pouted "You're really kicking me out? Please say I can at least sleep here." He tried to muffle away a small laugh.

"Bring earplugs when you do." He winked at her and took her plate to fill it up. "So how was your meeting with Dr. Jensen?"

"I'm emotionally blocked and I have to break it myself. Or, as he says, ‘trust myself and let go’, ‘be less of a control freak’. In the meantime, the voice wants me to do exactly that, and I trust myself, but not that part of me." She sighed and played with her food a bit. “I yelled at him…” She eventually added. Lucas's grin was just growing wider, a playful twinkle appeared in his eyes. She looked up at him and scowled.

"What? Spill it!"

"You need to get laid." He said it while casually putting a bite in his mouth. Azura stared at him with her mouth wide open. He casually chewed and swallowed, taking his time before continuing.

"If you're really want to let go and lose control, an orgasm tends to do just that. It makes a person the most vulnerable. And since you haven't had a good lay since forever, it might just be what you need." He still had a mischievous smile playing around his lips.

"We're having dinner! Do you really think this is appropriate?"

"Yes," He kept eating like nothing was wrong and urged her to eat as well. She took a bite all the while berating him with her eyes. "It's just sex. I don't know why people make such a big deal out of it. Everybody does it. Solo, duo, or with more people. Whatever floats their boat."

"I already tested this theory of yours. I've had orgasms you know. I'm not completely asexual," She spoke between bites. If he wanted to play this game, she would not be the one to step out. "And it didn't help at all."

"By yourself is something different than getting an orgasm triggered by someone else. That asks of complete surrender to the other person, full trust, and for you to lose control. You can't achieve that with your own hands." He gave her another wink, infuriating her with the ease he spoke about it.

"So what do you suggest? For me to go out, find a guy, and have sex? Demand he give me an orgasm and then see what happens?"

"Yeah kind of. That's a good summary actually. And you're going to do it this weekend. You can join me at the bar and I'll give you a hand with finding a guy. And no, you're not refusing. You've been turning me down when it came to joining me at the bar for over a year. This weekend, you and I go out and you either go home with someone or bring someone back here. I'll even let you borrow a condom."

This time it was her turn to laugh. She placed her utensils down and almost choked. Lucas offered her some water and patted her on the back. After she calmed down she looked up at him again.

"You're dead serious about this aren't you?" The wide smile he gave her was enough of an answer. "Just don't think you can turn me into a female version of you."

"We'll see about that. This Saturday, all you have to do is wear a nice matching outfit." Now finish dinner because I desperately need to kick you out of the house."

"Oh, so now I suddenly have to hurry so you can try to make Nina your girlfriend. I'm still surprised you haven't brought her home sooner. It's been three whole weeks!" She paused and thought for a moment. A twinkle appeared in her eyes. "You haven't slept with her yet, have you? You actually managed to keep it in your pants and you want to seal the deal tonight! Oh, Lucas, I'm seeing a completely different side of you!"

She snickered as he glared at her. The tables had turned and it was her time to make him uneasy. Something he normally made sure did not last long.

"Keep this up and no dessert for you."

"Is that a challenge?" She spoke as she finished her food.

The taller male took their plates and placed them in the dishwasher. "No, it's not. Now could you please help me clean up in here?"

He was playing with her, acting annoyed while he just found it entertaining to joust with her. Azura got up and cleaned the rest of the table. She suddenly stopped and stepped closer to him and studied his face closely.

"You even trimmed your beard." There was surprise resounding in her voice. She raised her hand to touch his face but he quickly grabbed her wrist before she could touch him.

"No touching! It took me forever to align all the hairs in the same manner and cut them all the same length and pull the ones that strayed from the rest, etcetera, etcetera. You get the point. Same goes for the hair before you get any ideas. Actually, the same goes for my entire body here, so back off and get out of the house already!"

He let her go and pushed her away jokingly. Azura scoffed at him and stuck out her tongue before turning around and leaving him alone. She went up and returned soon after with a sweater and her coat. She opened the outside door and looked back at Lucas who was impatiently tapping his foot.

"Have fun now! Don't do anything I wouldn't do either." She gave him a wink and left the house a little before eight without having her dessert.

It was raining again and Azura hurried along the streets to Rose's house. She pulled her hood on a bit tighter, her steps echoing off the buildings. She was almost alone on the street, the lanterns lighting her way. Eventually, she arrived at the right apartment building and rang the doorbell. Her jeans were soaked and the water was slowly dripping through her coat.

"Hello?" The intercom squeaked a little as Rose answered the doorbell.

"Hey, Rose, it's me. Can you open up?" It was silent for a moment on the other side.

"Azu? What are you doing here?" Azura softly cursed as she realized Lucas had set her up again.

"I'm sorry, Rose... Lucas told me you knew I was coming. That jackass set me up again. Is this a bad time?"

"No, come in!" Finally Rose buzzed the door open and Azura hurried in. When she entered the apartment, she hugged Rose tightly and entered the living area where Steffen was sitting on the couch. He got up and gave her a hug as well.

"Nice to see you again. What brings you here?" Steffen let her go and returned to his seat. She looked between Rose and Steffen

"I completely ruined your evening, didn't I? I should be going, there's probably still a movie playing in the cinema which I can catch."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Rose handed her a glass of red wine "You're like family! And seeing as Lucas kicked you out, you do need a place to stay, and the current movies all suck at the cinema anyway. "

"Lucas kicked you out? Why would he do that?" Steffen tried his best not to laugh as Azura pouted and sat down herself. Rose curled herself up against Steffen.

"Because he has been dating the same woman for three weeks and he wants to make it official by having a romantic evening together. Apparently, I'm not romantic enough to be there. Really can't imagine why though. I'm always full of romance!" The three of them shared a good laugh.

"Lucas is being an idiot. And I've told him that before." Rose gave Steffen a glare in the hope he would stop talking. "Don't give me that look, Rose. Let me finish." Rose shrugged and sent Azura an apologetic smile as Steffen continued talking.

"We have this guy who always thought of me as the big player while he is just as bad. Even when he gets this wonderful woman living in his house, he still continues with his desperate search for love outside, while the perfect match is right in front of his nose. Me on the other hand, move back here, meet a girl, and before you know it... I'm the mature one with a steady relationship. So I told him about a dozen times he's trying too hard and that he might have met the perfect woman already but he just simply refuses. Claiming you guys just have a very good friendship going on. Well to that I say; Friendship my ass, you guys need to get over yourselves and just kiss already."

Azura just stared at Steffen with her mouth wide open before bursting out in a laughing fit she couldn't control. It took her a few moments to recollect herself while a few snickers still left her mouth.

"You can't be serious. And you agree, Rose?!" Rose was still flashing that stupid smile as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Maybe... I mean... The way you guys act with one another... It's just that... Well yeah. Maybe..."

Azura sighed and shook her head at the thought of it.

"I'm sorry to burst your bubble guys but it's not going to happen. Him kicking me out is proof enough that he likes Nina very much. Besides, I’ve never regarded him in that way at all. Not to mention Lucas is going to be my wingman this Saturday because he is forcing me to go with him to the bar to find a guy for a fun night out."

"You both are idiots then. Just one day I'll come over and say 'I told you so.' Remember that, Az." Steffen was the only one to name her Az. Rose bounced up with a big smile and waited for Steffen to actually finish his sentence before she enthusiastically shouted out.

"You're going to the bar?! We need to have a girls' night just before that to get you ready! I need to make sure you look absolutely stunning if you're to hook some dude! I'm sorry, Steffen, I'm going to have to cancel our date and move it back a few hours till after I'm done with Azu. Priorities you know!"

"I get it...girls above guys. What's the female version of ‘bros before hoes’ by the way?" He looked puzzled trying to figure it out as Azura briskly blurted out a single line.

"Chicks before dicks!"