Month of the Shepard, Second Tenday, 3rd Day, 767 KD

They say you hear your heartbeat before you die. I have yet to hear mine but I expect to at any moment. Or will I die so quickly that there will be no warning?

It strikes me that it must be common for our final moments to be the very worst of our lives. And so it holds for me - alone, terrified and freezing, shaking violently from fear and cold, far from home, on the summit of a mountain I did not know existed until yesterday.

For whoever finds this journal, I am Handice, Son of Randol, of Shirin Mills, Province of Jasmire, Kingdom of Jaspen, Empire of Friedor, ruled by the great Empress Analisa, may she live forever.

I am in a tree three spans up. The night is pitch black, and I cannot see the ground below. But I can hear the creatures that hunt in the night.

First there were wolves. In between gusts of wind, I could hear their growling and their sniffing. They went away after a while. For some time after, I heard only the occasional night bird and the whistling of the constant wind, shaking the trees.

Another beast, much larger than a wolf, lumbers around the ground below. I can hear each heavy footstep crunching in the snow as it rustles around in the brush, sniffing and grunting.

If it does not kill me, I may die from the cold. I have never felt cold like this, even in the harshest winters back home. Every time the wind blows, it steals more of the remaining warmth in my body, but at times it comes so hard that it shrieks, like a living thing intent on killing me, bending the tree were I seek refuge, threatening to knock me from my perch, wracking my thinly clothed body with fierce, frigid air that bites through me.

Month of the Shepard, Second Tenday, Fourth Day, 767 KD

It is morning, and I still live.

The sun burns bright in the chilly air. The fire, built with trembling hands, warms me. I look up at my perch in the tree, and it seems not as high as I had thought, when I climbed up to it in the dark.

Footprints mark the snow all around, of wolves and of a much larger beast, perhaps larger even than a bear. Claw marks have marred the great tree that provided my refuge. The marks nearly reach my perch. I feel dizzy and sick. I am starving. But if there were anything in my stomach, I would surely expel it.

Despite my unhappy circumstances, the view is dazzling. Looking out to the west, the land stretching below for miles, I can only hope I am gone when the sun sets.

Anyone who reads this will wonder why I do not simply leave. I could follow the creek down the way I had come, finding the comfort of a village by midday.

I cannot leave.

The outlander commanded me to stay. He left me here, just before evening. “Wait here,” were the last words he spoke before entering the cave a dozen yards away from me, not quite visible through the trees. I try not to let my mind dwell on that cave and the faint sounds that occasionally emerge from deep within it, yet I cannot help but steal glances in its direction at every other moment.

It is not honor that compels me, nor fear of my master’s wrath (although he is an unpredictable one). It is some sort of magic that forces me to obey his every command. I could not walk down the mountain any more than I could fly from it.

With nothing to do but wait for his return, I will reflect on the outlander, Alec Braun. Better yet, I will think of my happy life, only days ago, when I was remarkably free from any cares.

Three Days Ago

It was not unusual for travelers to pass through our humble village. Master Karde, our innkeeper, typically had a few occupants stay on any given night. Of late, however, he had more business than usual as the outlanders began to pass through.

We began to hear tales of their presence in Friedor just two months ago. We heard stories from peddlers and travelers, outlandish stories that we scoffed at in disbelief.

They were strangers, from another land. They spoke strangely. They behaved strangely. One could identify them at once by their confident, fearless swagger, or the way they would sprint everywhere without abandon.

Kamael was the first to go off with one. A beautiful woman gave him a gold coin and asked him to be her “body guard.” Kamael said quick goodbyes and left with a bounce in his step, off to adventure. We were all a bit jealous.

Three others left after – Luka, Shagrin and then Delia, who went off a few days before I did. They all left following gold and promises of adventure.

My turn came three days ago. On a sunny afternoon, I watched with bemusement as a lone outlander approached our village on the south road. I knew that he was an outlander. He came running at a full sprint. He was a handsome man with the sort of chiseled face that make girls blush, and he was bare-chested despite the cool air of late winter, showing off a splendid, sculpted physique. The man came to a sudden halt, not five yards from where I sat on the green eating my lunch. He had just trampled half the flowers in the green without taking notice. He gazed about.

“You!” he said to me. “Where the fuck am I?”

“Sir?” I asked. It was the first time I had ever spoken to one of them.

“What’s the name of this fucking town?”

“Oh,” I said. “Shirin Mills.”

He stood still for a time, face inscrutable, perhaps considering the scant information I had just provided. I watched him, my lunch forgotten.

He spoke again. “Who do I talk to in this shithole to find work?”

Many times the outlanders simply passed right through our village without stopping. Other times, they stopped to look around, visit the inn, and ask questions. Sometimes they asked if we had any “quests” for them.

“Master Karde might have something that interests you,” I said. “You will find him in the inn, right over there. The King’s Gambit.”

“Cool. Where do I go to buy and sell shit?”

“Master Karde has food and drink. Johann, the blacksmith, trades in armor and weapons. Master Teel runs the shop right there,” I pointed. “Where you can buy just about anything else.”

I had scarcely finished my sentence when the man sprinted off, disappearing into the King’s Gambit. I glanced at my half eaten sandwich and decided to put it away for later. I had to get back to the shop. As I got to my feet, the outlander burst out of the inn and sprinted to Master Johan’s shop. Before I made it ten paces toward my shop, he came out once again and sprinted past me, carrying a new sword in his hand as if he were heading straight into combat.

He stopped in his tracks and turned back toward me.

“You!” he said to me. “What’s your name?”

I shrunk back, eying the sword with trepidation. I was ready to run. There were stories of outlanders who killed without provocation. They seemed ridiculous to me, until now.

“I am called Handice," I said.

“Handice. You know where these fuckin’ wolves are?”

“Wolves?”

“That asshole innkeeper told me he’d give me ten gold for every wolf pelt I bring him. Said wolves are eating your sheep, or some shit like that.”

I had not heard about this. However, some part of me desperately wished to provide assistance. And I knew that if we were indeed having wolf troubles again, it meant that a pack had ventured close to Shirin Mills, most likely from Briar Wood.

I conveyed that information to the gentleman.

“Briar Wood, huh? That’s not showing up on my goddamn map at all. How about you show me the way?”

“Oh I am terribly sorry sir, but I have duties in the shop that I must return to—“

“How ‘bout you lead the way to Briar Wood before I beat your fucking ass?” He waved the sword as he said this, as if that were the instrument with which he intended to "beat" me.

A threat! In all my two and twenty years, no one had ever spoken to me in such a manner. Nevertheless, I found myself agreeing to the brute’s rudely delivered demand.

The wood lay only a quarter mile away, a five-minute walk. But five minutes was too long for him. The stranger preferred sprinting to strolling, and he urged me to move faster, calling me unspeakable names all along the way.

“There it is, sir,” I told him. I was more than ready to depart and take permanent leave from this man. Even if he was a visitor from a strange land, I did not find that an acceptable excuse for his behavior.

But he was not through with me yet.

“Listen,” he said. “I don’t have time to go traipsing through those woods there looking for these cocksuckers. How bout you go walking in, acting like you’re hurt or some shit. Get them to attack you. Lead them out here. Then I’ll kill all the bastards and we can go have ourselves a nice drink at that inn back there.”

“I am afraid that stratagem does not appeal to me at all, sir. And I must get back-“

“Do it! Do not piss me off!”

Another threat! I had had quite enough of those. “You do not intimidate me. I will be leaving now.”

“Wait. How does ten gold make you feel? All you gotta do is go in there and get the damn wolves’ attention.”

Ten gold! Master Teel only paid me one gold coin each day, and that was only if I produced a hundred candles, which I often could not do.

Against my better judgment, I complied.

I approached the woods with great caution as the outlander shouted at me to "hurry it up." When I reached the treeline, I hesitated. This was incredibly foolish. What had I agreed to? Why had I agreed to it? But the outlander's shouting and cursing compelled me to move on, into the trees. I told myself, surely the wolves would not be so close to the edge of the wood. I would wait, just out of sight from the outlander, until he grew tired of waiting and departed. He had already paid me the ten gold, heavy and clanging in my pocket.

As I stood watching the outlander I began to hear low, hungry growls.

Fortunately, I run well. With all my speed, I was just able to escape the wood, into the open, with the lead wolf inches from my heels.

What next transpired, I will never forget. Alec Braun swooped in like a fearless mad man, whooping and laughing as he charged right at the beasts, slashing at them with his sword.

“Come on you cocksuckers!” he roared, and he tore into them, his sword moving in a flurry. Seven of the beasts he slayed, in no time at all. Two ran away, whimpering.

He stood triumphant among their corpses, not even winded.

“Hey, you got one!” he said to me.

Indeed, I had managed to slay a wolf. When it was nearly upon me, I got in a quick, lucky stab with my knife, a strike to the jugular that proved quickly fatal. I had killed wolves with arrows before, but never with a blade at close range. I had felt the heat of its breath as I stabbed it. Its blood now covered my hands.

“Way to go, man!” he clapped me on the back. I felt proud in spite of myself.

“I’m Alec by the way. Alec Braun. Remember that name! Actually, you might be good to have around. You looking for a little adventure?”

“Well, I have thought about it many times as a boy-“

“Come on! Don’t you want to get out of this pissant town?”

“Shirin Mills is my home sir!”

“Hey, no offense. I’ve lived in some jerkwater bergs myself. What do you say? Want to join me?”

As we walked back to the village, I was somehow persuaded. He had decided to stay for the night in the inn, saying he was “through playing for the day.” That gave me the evening to quit my job – Master Teel was about to terminate me anyway – and say good bye to my mother and sister. I do not wish to talk about that, except to say that my mother forbade me to go, but it was too late. I had already sworn an oath to Alec, the Outlander oath that cannot be broken (the very oath that compels me to stay on this cursed mountain). Mother was angry. My sister wept.

I went to find Alayna. I would tell her I was going on an adventure. Her eyes would widen at my bravery, yet tears would form. She would miss me. She would tell me she loved me. Perhaps we would share a kiss.

“Hey Handy.” It was Alec, sprinting out of the inn and beckoning me to follow.

“I changed my mind about quitting for the day. Time to go.”

I left without seeing Alayna one last time. I wonder if she is thinking of me now.

Month of the Shepard, Second Tenday, Fourth Day, 767 KD, Mid-Day

I could be safe in the nearby village at this moment, eating a hot soup and enjoying a glass of ale.

Instead, I am lucky to be alive at all. More outlanders have arrived on this remote mountain top. They made their presence known by attempting to slay me.

Sitting by the fire, writing in these pages, I suddenly felt as if I had been kicked very hard in the chest. I felt a hot, searing pain, whereupon I looked down, and an arrow sprouted out just inches away from my heart!

Before I understood what had happened, I heard shouts from the brush.

“Bullseye!”

“Calm the fuck down, Nikki! You can’t go shooting everybody we run into.”

Another sharp pain came, in my shoulder this time. I saw the arrow a hair’s breath before it hit me.

“Damn! I was going for his face!”

“Hold your fucking fire, goddammit,” the other woman yelled.

A tall beauty emerged from the thicket. Sun kissed hair fell halfway down her back.

“I'm so sorry,” she said to me. “Are you ok?”

I toppled over, and colors were beginning to fade. A sheen of cold sweat broke on my face, a rusty taste in my mouth. The odor of my own blood filled my nostrils.

I heard it then. My heartbeat, loud and thumping in my head.

I felt soft, warm hands on me, and then all went black.

I heard women's voices from far away. The thumping of my heart came back but then grew fainter. Was I dead? Unconscious?

“The fuck are you doing, Sarah?”

“What’s it look like? I’m trying to heal him.”

“You’re wasting your magic! We’re going to need it for this cave.”

“It’s called practice! Anyway, he might have useful info for us. What do you think he’s doing out here anyway?”

“Hey there!” she said when I opened my eyes.

“Ohhhh,” was all I could say.

“You’re going to live, I think,” said the woman. “I couldn’t heal you completely, but I did my best.”

“Thank you,” I croaked.

“Here, have some water.”

She put her flask to my lips, the water cool and sweet. Her warm hands held mine as I clasped it and drank.

“Jesus, you gonna blow him too?”

“Shut the fuck up, Nikki. Sorry about her. I'm Delilah. Here, try to sit up.”

She took my hands and pulled me up to a seated position.

Death appeared no longer imminent. I felt better, only weak. The arrows had been removed while I had been unconscious. The pain from the two wounds had not vanished entirely, but had lessened in severity. The wounds themselves looked as if they were days old, the blood dried and crusted on my tunic and cloak, which sported new tears.

“What’s your name?” Delilah asked me. “What are you doing out here?”

“I am Handice, of Shirin Mills. I am waiting for my companion, Alec Braun. He went in…there, yesterday. He has not returned. I fear the worst.”

“Your ‘companion’ is dead,” said the other woman. She was even more beautiful than the other, with raven hair and sun-darkened skin. In her hand was the bow with which she had attempted to murder me.

“Shut up, Nikki,” said Delilah. To me she said, “She’s probably right though. Is your companion one of us?”

“He is an outlander like you,” I said.

“He may be back then. For us, death here is not permanent.”

Nikki said, “There must be some serious shit in that cave.”

“Maybe we should skip it. It’s probably more than we can handle.”

“Fuck that! We came all the way up this fucking mountain! Think of the loot in there!”

Delilah sighed. “All right. Let’s get going then.”

She got to her feet. “Here, will you watch some things for me? I’m going to have a lot to carry out of there.”

She handed me an old ax, a wolf pelt, an animal skull of some kind, and a few other assorted items, including a thick wool cloak.

“Don’t get any ideas,” said Nikki. “We’ll be back for that shit. By the way, you got any gold on you?”

“You’re not taking his money,” said Delilah. “See you soon, handsome.”

Month of the Shepard, Second Tenday, Fourth Day, 767 KD, Sunset

I am writing some final words, before I climb the tree again. I do not know if I can survive another night.

A short while ago, Nikki emerged from the cave. Delilah did not.

The beautiful raven-haired woman staggered out, covered in blood and mud. I thought she might limp past me without a word or a glance, but then she said, “Oh. You again.”

“Where is your companion?”

“Your girlfriend didn’t make it. Sorry Romeo.”

My features must have betrayed my distress, because her face softened, somewhat. “Hey, don’t worry. She’ll be back. Well, maybe not here. Fuck this place. That cave was a goddamn nightmare. Some fucking intense shit.”

She plopped down next to the fire.

“Did you see my companion, Alec Braun?“

“Who? Oh. Who knows. Not alive, that’s for sure. Place is fucking littered with bodies.”

She pulled a hunk of meat from her satchel and began to devour it. I watched in disbelief as she ate the meat clean to the bone, then followed that with an entire loaf of bread, three apples, two heads of cabbage, and a wheel of cheese. She washed it down with a flask of wine.

She didn't seem to be enjoying, or even tasting, any of it. She chewed, drank and swallowed in the same mechanical motions I had seen used by Alec Braun during our travels. But the nourishment appeared to provide her with a healing effect. Once finished, she looked nearly no worse for the wear.

“Hey,” she said to me. “I need Delilah’s shit back.”

“Of course.”

But the woman realized that Delilah had left behind more than she was able to carry, and some of it, like the animal skull, she grumbled about as worthless junk. She left me with the cloak, some odd junk, and perhaps having some pity at last, gave me a hunk of bread and a dead rat.

“I’m fucking out of here,” she said. I watched her sprint off, following the creek down the mountain.

That brings me to now. The sun is disappearing over the horizon. I am helpless to stop it. I can delay no longer. I must climb the tree again. The fire beside me is dying. It will be of no use to me. I already hear wolves howling, in the distance. No...I just heard them again, and they sound much closer now. I must go.

I am starving. I will soon be freezing. The excitement from my brush with death is gone, the panic with it, the relief that I had survived replaced by a melancholy, a despair unlike any I have ever experienced or imagined. I am alone here. I have never felt so alone. I feel helpless. There is nothing I can do but climb that tree again, and hope, pray, to the gods, to my lost father. I do not want to die. I want so badly to live. I want to see my mother and sister again. I want to see Alayna. I never even told her I love her. She does not even know that I care for her. I was too much of a coward to tell her.

I do not want to die a coward.