Vincent Kinsington

I watched him as he entered his house and closed the door behind him.

Vince.

No one had called me that before. It was a pretty simple reduction for Vincent. You'd think someone in my lifetime would have called me Vince, but it had always been either Vinny or Vincent. Already Chet had a special name for me that only he used.

I had kissed him. I had told him not to avoid this. There was a new kind of hope inside me that had never been there before. And yet, I knew my family could never find out about this. How long could I keep this secret if I started a relationship with him?

I pulled away from his house and began the drive to my apartment. Chet didn't seem the type to like secrets. If I told him why I couldn't let my family find out, would he be understanding? Would he be willing to keep this a secret? We didn't even really know what this was yet.

I arrived at my apartment with one conclusion. I wanted to try. I wanted to try this with him. I wanted to have this hope that I could trust him.

I took off my shoes by the front door and went to my bed. I sat on it and pulled out my phone. Something good had happened tonight, but I didn't forget that I had done something very wrong first.

Alex hadn't sent me a text or tried to call me. Mateo had to have told him by now though. I called Alex.

"Please forgive me," I whispered as the line started to ring.

"Hey, Vinny," Alex answered almost immediately. He didn't sound angry. Didn't Mateo tell him?

"Aley," I said. "I'm sorry. I'm really, truly sorry." I had meant to say more, but my voice choked.

"For what?" Alex asked hesitantly.

"Mateo didn't tell you then," I stated more than asked.

"He told me you were a jerk and I should reevaluate our friendship, but he didn't say why. What did you do, Vincent?"

I couldn't help but notice the change from Vinny to Vincent.

I opened my mouth to admit my betrayal, but nothing would come out. I couldn't say it. It had been too horrible of me.

"I can't say it," I finally said. "But it's bad and I'm really sorry. I won't try to breakup you and Mateo anymore. I was wrong. So very wrong. I'm sorry."

"How can I forgive you if I don't know what you did?" his voice sounded cold now.

"I can't vocalize it, but I'll send you a text. Hold on." I pulled the phone away from my ear and sent the text.

Me: I'm ashamed but I almost told Mateo to take you to a hotel. I stopped myself when I realized how awful I was but Mateo figured out what I was going to suggest.

I put the phone back to my ear, but only silence greeted me. I waited and waited. I knew he was still on the line. He had read my message.

"I'm really sorry," I said again. "I'm a terrible friend. I'll never do anything like this again. I'll support you and Mateo. I'll do whatever you..."

"Vincent," he stopped me. His voice was angry. I waited, but he didn't say more. Time passed slowly as my heart rapidly beat against my chest.

"Vincent," this time it was filled with sorrow.

"I'm sorry," I said again.

"I know," Alex said, "but this..."

"I betrayed you," I said as a tear spilled onto my cheek.

"I'm going to need some time with this one, Vincent," and then he hung up on me.

I flung the phone on my bed and pulled my knees up to my chest. Everyone hated me now, Alex, my family, Trevon would hate me too when Alex told him. Everyone except for one. I turned on my side and curled into my pillows. Chet didn't hate me. A corner of my lips turned up into a smile even as tears spilled onto my cheeks.

Last year, after the Jason incident, Trevon and I had taken turns staying over at Alex's house and sleeping in his bed with him. His mother asked us to after she saw he was sobbing every night and wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't get out of bed at all for that first week. He either lay there in a numb stupor, or sobbed as his entire body shook. He hardly ate anything and he only would take a few bites after we begged him to.

On my nights to be with him, I would hold him while he shook, while his tears soaked my shirt and his pillow. I cursed Jason and vowed to never let Alex be in that state again.

As I dreamed, those same sorrowful eyes of Alex looked on me now, but I was the cause of his pain this time. It tore me apart. Literally. In my dream, dark tendrils cracked through my body and I fell to jagged pieces on a cold, stone floor. Alex stood above me crying because I had hurt him. Trevon stood above me and shook his head disappointedly before he turned his back to me and guided Alex away.

My dad glanced at my shards dismissively before he turned away without a care to my well being. My brother pointed and laughed at my separated pieces. My mom ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek. "Disgusting," she said and joined my father.

My grandma looked on me with pity. She slowly shook her head. "You chose to destroy your friend rather than celebrate me," she said sadly.

Everyone was gone. I was alone. A dark, black sky was above. There were no stars, no clouds, no moon, just darkness. It permeated everything. It settled over my jagged pieces. It was cold. I was alone. Abandoned.

Warm hands picked up each piece and put them back together. Chet's hands caressed my cheeks when I was complete. His smile was genuine and kind. "Be your true self, Vince," he said to me.

The alarm on my phone rent through my dream.

I slowly opened my eyes confused as to how I should feel about the dream. I got up and went through my morning routine.

When I was finished, I sat at the little table by the kitchen. I opened my laptop and logged into the account in my name. I scrolled through Mateo's account again, but this time, I really studied all the pics he had of him and Alex. Allison's words came back into my head 'Have you seen the way Mateo looks at my son? It's as if nothing in this world exists in his eyes except Alex.'

It was clear now that I was looking. In every picture where Mateo looked at Alex and not the camera, his eyes were focused in a caring way as if he couldn't see anything else - as if Alex himself was a light Mateo couldn't tear his eyes from. I had been so incredibly blinded.

I commented on my favorite pic of Alex and Mateo.

You look good together. I support you and hope you will be together for a long time.

Then I sent a DM to Mateo

I'm sorry. I've been a jerk. Worse than a jerk. It might be too late for you to forgive me and for us to try this again, but I would like to try.

I got a reply almost immediately.

It's not up to me anymore. And that was it. I knew what it meant. I had hurt Alex. If Alex didn't want to talk to me anymore, why would Mateo? I didn't know if my best friend would forgive me.

I sent Alex a text.

Me: I'm sorry. I've been blinded by my obsession to protect you. You can borrow my apartment any time you want. You can have it for a week if you want. I'll stay somewhere else. Anything you want from me, tell me and I'll do it. I'll have dinner with you and Mateo. I'll be nice to him. I'll accept him. Just please forgive me.

I stared at my phone, but there was no reply.

I wanted to see Chet. It was stupid of me to not get Chet's phone number last night. I had kissed him, but didn't even think about getting his phone number. Alex wasn't on speaking terms with me and I doubted Mateo would just give me his best friend's phone number after the way I had behaved. I thought about sending Chet a DM on one of his social media accounts, but I needed to keep this a secret from my parents and I couldn't risk Chet responding in public. I had no idea what classes he had today or what he was even studying. I had seen him at the cafeteria once with that girl he said was just a friend. And there was that time not too long ago I saw him at the coffee shop.

It was time for me to leave or I'd miss my English class. I grabbed my backpack and walked out the door making sure to lock it behind me. I found a parking spot. It wasn't a good one, I'd left too late to find a good one, but I didn't mind the long walk to class.

I'd try the cafeteria in between my classes. Hopefully, I'd see Chet there.

My phone rang. I hadn't even looked to see who was calling, but already my heart was beating erratically, dreading whoever it might be. It was Trevon. I took in a deep breath of the cool, Autumn air and prepared myself for the worst. I stopped walking in case a panic attack came on and I needed to head back to my car.

I answered. Before I could even say hello Trevon said, "You're an asshole."

"I know," I said. "I'm really sorry. I've apologized to Alex, but...I messed up big time."

Trevon sighed into the phone. "You did mess up big time," he said, but he wasn't yelling at me and it didn't sound like he was going to break off our friendship. "Alex is too good for this world," Trevon said. "I don't think I would forgive you if you did that to me, but Alex will forgive you, he just needs some time."

I nodded even though Trevon couldn't see me.

"Don't do this again, Vincent. Don't do anything like this again."

"I won't. I promise."

"If this hadn't been your first time doing something like this, I would cut off all ties with you, but this is your first time. You've never done anything like this before. Don't do it again."

"I won't," I said again.

"Okay, I've got to get to class. Hang in there until Alex decides he wants to speak to you again."

"Thanks, Trev."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm awesome, I know. I'll talk to you later."

I breathed a sigh of relief and walked to my class. At least one of my friends didn't hate me.