“THE GRAY GHOST AND THE MYSTERY OF THE DAME WITH NO NAME”

ORIGINAL AIR DATE THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1932

WRITTEN BY DAVID HEALER & WALT SEYMOUR

INTRODUCTION

MUSIC: Mendelssohn’s Symphony No. 4 in A major, Op. 90

FX: Wind chimes tinkling, a whistling breeze

NARRATOR

Rose’s Botanical Confections presents THE GRAAAAY GHOST!– When you need a sweet fix that won’t rot your teeth, pick the treat that 9/10 dentists say is good to eat. ROSE’S BOTANICAL CONFECTIONS – Gotham’s Home-Grown Healthy Sweet since 1919.

And kids, don’t forget: You can get your own official GRAAAAY GHOST Decoder Planchette with Ghost Lighting Action when you send in the wrappers of *forty* ROSE’S BOTANICAL CONFECTIONS to P.O. Box 339, Gotham City, New Jersey, 08999.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

When crime haunts the night – a silent crusader carries the torch of justice!

Those with evil hearts beware, for out of the darkness comes: THE GRAAAAY GHOST

FX: A woman’s scream

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

By Day, PAUL TERGIST is a world-famous grave digger, sought out by the wealthy and extravagant to dig the finest graves in all of Spirit City! But each night, using the mystical ouija board of Madame Esmerelde, Paul Tergist gains the power to pass through walls and commune with the dead when he becomes the GRAAAAY GHOST.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

Tonight, The GRAAAAY GHOST will attempt to solve another heart-pounding adventure: THE DAME WITHOUT A NAME.

PART 1: THE ROBBERY AT SPIRIT CITY NATIONAL BANK

FX: Police siren, footsteps on cobblestone

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

Even now, we join the chief of police – Georgie Gumshoe – who is on the scene at the first national bank of Spirit City!

FX: Wind chimes tinkling, a whistling breeze

GRAY GHOST

Whaddaya say, Georgie?

GEORGIE

Gray Ghost? (Gasps) Where did you come from?

FX: Pencil Scribbling on paper

GRAY GHOST

Why you look like you’ve seen a ghost, chief! Now, how can I help a man of the law?

GEORGIE

Well Ghost, that bank robber’s struck again. Same as before. No guns. No violence. And nobody noticing that the bank has been robbed until hours have gone by.

GRAY GHOST

Super Secret, Georgie! You don’t mean…

GEORGIE

That’s right Ghost, The Dame with No Name!

MUSIC: Stravinsky, descending triplet from The Rite of Spring

NARRATOR

Hold on to your hats boys and girls, There’s a new bank robber in Spirit City and this one’s a humdinger, for this police-evading outlaw is a *woman!* They call her The Dame with No Name, because of her penchant for burgling bank tellers with no guns, no threats, and no fuss at all!

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

But this elusive burglarette has yet to face down the derring-do of Spirit City’s number one adventurer: THE GRAAAAY GHOST!

FX: Wind chimes tinkling, a whistling breeze

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

THE GRAAAAY GHOST and Chief Gumshoe search the scene for clues, but nothing turns up. Hmm. If only the Ghost had some kind of tool he could use to search the spirit realm.

FX: A ticking clock

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

That’s *right* boys and girls! He can use his MYSTICAL PLANCHETTE. Let’s check back in with our hero and see what he’ll do!

GRAY GHOST

Chief, there’s a tool that I haven’t employed yet. And I’ve got half a mind to think it might be the time to do it.

GEORGIE

Come on then, Ghost let’s have it.

FX: Theremin modulation, tinkling wind chimes

GRAY GHOST

That’s right, Chief Gumshoe! My mystical planchette allows me to decode hidden messages from The Spirit Realm.

MUSIC: Nuages, Nocturnes

NARRATOR

The Ghost requires complete concentration as he slips into a trance-like state as he moves throughout the bank lobby, peering through the visor in his mystical planchette and observing things in this very location – in the *Spirit Realm*.

GEORGIE

So what does it say, Ghost?

GRAY GHOST

Pipe down now, Gumshoe! I require complete concentration to slip into a trance-like state!

FX: Theremin modulation, tinkling wind chimes

NARRATOR

Almost a full hour later, the Ghost emerges from his inscrutable fugue!

GRAY GHOST

Gumshoe! It seems there’s more to this crime scene than we originally thought. The Mayor’s account was robbed just last week, and before that, Zip Ziegler –

GEORGIE

(Interrupting) – Spirit City’s *wealthiest* philanderer!

GRAY GHOST

Philan-*thropist*, but yes, he’s one and the same! But whose account was robbed this week?

GEORGIE

Why Ghost, I thought I’d told you already...mine!

MUSIC: Stravinsky, descending triplet from The Rite of Spring

GRAY GHOST

Well the spirits have told me we need to take a look at the books. Does that mean anything to you?

GEORGIE

Sure it does, ghost! Bookkeepers would know a thing or two about money, wouldn’t they?

GRAY GHOST

And last I checked, Zip Ziegler and Mayor Hollyhocks have the same bookkeeper, don’t they?

GEORGIE

Well that’s a different slice of pie! We better get over to Balancing Accts and Associates, double-time!

GRAY GHOST

I’m afraid they’re closed at the moment, Georgie, and as you know, I have to return to the spirit realm by dawn’s early light, lest I get trapped in the physical world forever!

GEORGIE

Aw, rats, Ghost! Would it be so bad? To stay here, and join the Spirit City Police Force?

GRAY GHOST

Oh believe me, Chief, it would.

GRAY GHOST (CONT’D, V.O.)

The police ruined my life! They weren’t able to solve the very mystery that brought me to this world of costumed crime-fighting. And besides, I make ten times a policeman’s salary as world-famous gravedigger Paul Tergist! No, no, diggin’ holes is the life for me, but I won’t stop my costumed crusade until I solve the one case I could never close: Who dug my wife’s grave?

GRAY GHOST (CONT’D)

Well Georgie, I’d better be going. But please, keep me updated with your conversations at the accountants! GRAAAY GHOST, away!

FX: A man’s boots walking away and a woman’s heeled shoes approaching. A collision between two people.

ANN

Oh excuse me, Gray Ghost, I’m so sorry, I’ve spilled coffee on your cape!

GRAY GHOST

Ann, Chief Gumshoe’s competent assistant! I didn’t notice you.

ANN

Join the club.

GRAY GHOST

Don’t mind the cape. Ghost Powers, Go!

FX: Theremin modulation, tinkling wind chimes, liquid spilling to the ground.

GRAY GHOST (CONT’D)

Good as new.

ANN

My word, you turned translucent and the coffee stain fell out of your cape!

GRAY GHOST

Good eye, Ann! I *phased* into the spirit world.

ANN

What a wonderful parlor trick! I’d never have another problem laundering the Chief’s shirts... maybe *then* he’d notice me.

GRAY GHOST

Even though I was only there for a moment, I witnessed nigh-indescribable horrors like the void-stalking nightgaunts, terrifying soul-stealing abominations with no faces, and webbed, leathery wings. Demons of absolute blackness who move in complete silence and feed off of the guilt of sinners.

GRAY GHOST (CONT’D)

It’s why one must never doubt the Bible and its teachings.

ANN

(Gasps) But you, you...

GRAY GHOST

I’ve cast in my lot, Ann, and I’ve paid dearly for it. Enjoy your night!

FX: A man’s boots walking away and a woman’s heeled shoes approaching.

GEORGIE

Where the heck is that woman with my coffee?

ANN

Sorry, Chief, I bumped into the Gray Ghost and he needed to tell me…(she drifts off)

GEORGIE

Anne, ya daffy broad, this coffee’s barely hot enough to burn my tongue.

ANN

It’s *Ann* sir, without an *E*. But you can call me Anne if you’d like.

GEORGIE

Can it, Ann! We gotta get back to the station.

FX: A police siren.

PART 2: THE BOOKKEEPERS

MUSIC: Greig, Morning

FX: Birds chirping

NARRATOR

Just as dawn’s early light breaks over the horizon, Paul Tergist, better known as The GRAAAY GHOST, walks down the stairs of his four bedroom colonial on the outskirts of Spirit City, and pours two cups of coffee, leaving one in front of an empty chair at the breakfast table. He looks out of his picture window, and sees the same image that’s haunted him every morning for the past six hundred and sixty six days: his wife, Deborah’s grave.

PAUL (V.O.)

It’s the same image that’s haunted me for the last six hundred and sixty six days: My wife’s Deborah’s grave.

DEBORAH

Sweetie, you didn’t come in until very late last night. Are you looking at that grave again? Why not just fill it in?

PAUL

You know I can’t do that, Deborah. I’m a world-famous gravedigger, and it’s a perfect grave! It’s an insult to me, and to the memory of my twin brother, Peter Tergist, the man who taught me everything I know about grave digging.

DEBORAH

I suppose it’s true what they say about being the gravedigger’s wife...by the way, Princess Martha Bibescu called from England’s Air Ministry. She’ll need a grave dug for a the Secretary of State for Air, Christopher Thomson, who she describes as (Eastern European Accent) “a very good friend, like, her best friend.” She goes on: “But *just* friends. Nothing more.”

PAUL

Those kooky Europeans and their devil-may-care lifestyles. (Both laugh).

FX: A phone ringing

PAUL (CONT’D)

Tergist residence, Paul speaking. Yes Operator, you can put him through.

A beat

Chief Gumshoe, good to hear from you again!

GEORGIE

Paul, I’ll cut right to it, because I’m just about to get on my way to solve an important mystery; but first, I want to apologize to you. I know the police didn’t ever solve the caper of who dug your wife’s perfect grave. I know it might drive a lesser man to fits of hysteria, but you took it in stride, and for that I commend you.

PAUL

Don’t mention it Chief. You were saying?

GEORGIE

That’s right Paul, I was almost distracted – you see, I’m on my way to get to the bottom of the mystery of a repeat bank-robber, one whose identity remains shrouded in mystery, even to me, the chief of police. In fact, I’ve had to enlist the help of an *outside* consultant.

PAUL

An outside consultant? You don’t say.

GEORGIE

That’s right. The Gray Ghost, the caped adventurer who’s well known for his supernatural abilities to talk to the dead.

PAUL

Well as you know, Chief Gumshoe, I’m a devout follower of Christ, so I don’t know much about witchcraft, or any such sinister malarkey.

GEORGIE

You know Paul, when you see a man walk through a wall, you don’t know what to believe anymore.

PAUL (V.O.)

I mustn’t give Georgie a single clue that *I* am The Gray Ghost. Even if it might bring us closer as friends and colleagues; The Gray Ghost must remain a mystery – I mustn’t do anything that might cause him to question his faith in The Lord!

GEORGIE

Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with this shop talk. Let me get to it, Paul. (He takes a deep breath). Paul, it’s been two years since my wife passed away. It’s time for me to let go and move on and finally bury my dead wife.

A beat

GEORGIE (CONT’D)

It would really make this whole decision much easier if you said you’d be willing to dig the burial site for her final resting place.

PAUL

I know this is a tough decision, Chief Gumshoe, but it would be an honor to move earth for your wife. May she Rest In Peace.

GEORGIE

Thanks Paul. Well let me let you go, but I want to tell you this is a big help, Paul, a *big* help. I’ll be in touch to make arrangements, (Aside) Anne! Is the car ready?!

FX: A phone receiver being put down.

PAUL

Sweetie, you’ll never believe who that was!

FX: A police siren. A door opening. Typewriters and Ticker Tape.

NARRATOR

The downtown financial offices of BALANCING ACCTS. One of many corporations held by Spirit City’s most generous businessmen: ZIP ZIEGLER!

FX: A door opening, typewriters, adding machines, and ticker tape.

GEORGIE

I’m here to see Mr. Zip Ziegler!

SECRETARY

A busy man like Mr. Ziegler isn’t here. You need an appointment! Why, today he’s the celebrity umpire for the World Series of Orphanage Baseball; It’s game seven!

GEORGIE

But I’m the Chief of Police!

SECRETARY

Oh, then let me call him and see if he’s at his desk.

A beat

SECRETARY (CONT’D)

Hello Retta? Is Mr. Ziegler available, or is the pee-wee baseball game *still* today?

A beat

SECRETARY (CONT’D)

Can they change it?

A beat

SECRETARY (CONT’D)

What about if this man says he’s the...the *chef* for police?

GEORGIE

(Angry) Now you know darn well that I said –

SECRETARY

Excuse me sir, but I’m on the *telephone*. Go ahead Retta.

A beat

SECRETARY (CONT’D)

That’s fine, Retta I’ll tell him. Thank you.

FX: Putting down the phone receiver.

SECRETARY (CONT’D)

Well it turns out that they can’t reschedule the World Series and they already have snacks for the children for the seventh inning stretch. Orange slices and ROSE’S Botanical Confections!

GEORGIE

(Angrier) Why I oughta –

SECRETARY

– But you *could* meet with his trusted assistant instead. Just go up to the 13th floor and ask for Retta Herring.

GEORGIE

(Muttering) Come on Annie.

FX: Footsteps on marble, an elevator bell, more footsteps.

MUSIC: Sultry saxophone hit

GEORGIE

Well hello there, I’m looking for Mrs. Herring.

RETTA

It’s *Ms.* Herring. You must be the caterer.

GEORGIE

No, I’m the *Chief* of Police – Georgie Gumshoe.

RETTA

Well that won’t do, we’ll have to call out for lunch.

GEORGIE

Look lady, we’re here to ask some questions about a bank robbery that happened last week. To *your* boss, Zip Ziegler.

RETTA

Not just my boss, we handle the mayor’s account as well. In fact, I manage Mayor Hollyhocks’s account personally. Along with all Spirit City Employee pensions.

ANN

Sir–

GEORGIE

Wow, sounds like you must meet a lot of interesting people.

ANN

Sir–

RETTA

That’s correct. I handle accounts for so many people in Spirit City. It’s funny, you handle all this money for all of these rich men and you *still* don’t make half as much as they do. What a world.

ANN

Sir–

RETTA (CONT’D)

Excuse me Chief, but is your trench coat trying to say something?

GEORGIE

What’s that? Oh. This is my competent assistant, with the confusing name. Anne.

ANN

It’s *Ann*, actually. But I let him call me whatever he wants. A pleasure. Would you excuse us for a moment Ms. Herring?

ANN (CONT’D)

(Stage whispering) Chief – if she handles the pensions for city employees, she might have access to *your* account *and* Mayor Hollyhocks’s. She has account numbers for everyone who’s been robbed.

GEORGIE

(Stage whispering) Annie baby, that’s brilliant. Maybe she knows who the robber is!

ANN

(Stage whispering) Or...

GEORGIE

(Stage whispering) You’re not saying...a mild-mannered woman like her? I guess we should bring her downtown for questioning...

GEORGIE (CONT’D)

Ms. Herring, you mind coming to the station with us?

FX: A pencil scribbling on paper

RETTA

Am I in trouble?

GEORGIE

No trouble, Ms. Herring, I’d just like to ask you a few more questions.

RETTA

That’ll be fine. Let me just put away Mr. Ziegler’s bankbook.

GEORGIE

That looks like the same bankbook that was on his desk last week, before he was robbed. When the Mayor and all the department heads were here to talk with him about transferring the pension accounts. Strange for a money guy to leave that sitting out like that.

RETTA

That’s why he has me! Mr. Ziegler would leave his head lying around if it weren’t screwed on. Let me grab my coat.

FX: Police sirens, cars honking.

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, across town, Paul Tergist, World Famous Gravedigger who by night gains the mystical powers of a specter and becomes THE GRAAAAY GHOST, is returning a book to the Spirit City Library.

FX: Pages turning. Soft footsteps.

BETTY

( Stage whispering) Here to return a book?

PAUL

(Stage whispering) That’s right – *A Complete History Of Librarians In Spirit City* – hey, aren’t you Betty Bookworm?

BETTY

(Stage whispering) I am.

PAUL

(Stage whispering) Yeah, I just read about you the other day. Hard to tell if it was you – I thought the picture in the book was kinda fuzzy, but...anybody ever tell you you’re kinda *nondescript*?

BETTY

(Stage whispering) I get that a lot, actually.

PAUL

(Stage whispering) Well hey, you really turned your life around, didn’t ya?

A beat

PAUL (CONT’D)

(Stage whispering) Say, would you mind autographing this copy?

BETTY

(Stage whispering) I’m afraid I can’t do that.

PAUL

(Stage whispering) Ya know, from one famous person to another, you could stand to be a little more down-to-earth. Autographs are a nice way to show your adoring public that you care.

BETTY

(Stage whispering) No, no sir, it’s not that. As you know, I was arrested for forging my mother’s signature on a permission slip for school. A forgery so *perfect* that even my mother couldn’t testify with certainty that she hadn’t signed it herself.

PAUL

(Stage whispering) Yeah, I read about it in the book!

BETTY

(Stage whispering) Precisely. But what the book doesn’t tell you is that as part of my probation, I was court-ordered not to sign anything for ten years. It makes banking very complicated. I’ve had a stack of uncashed paychecks on my desk at home for two years!

A beat

BETTY

(Stage whispering) Besides, this is a library book.

PAUL

(Stage whispering) Well ain’t I a blockhead. Sorry about that, Ms. Bookworm.

BETTY

(Stage whispering) Oh never mind all that. Now, it just so happens I like to collect autographs myself. I have so many famous Spirit City resident’s signatures – the Mayor, Suzy Songbird, Zig Ziegler, Chief Gumshoe – would you consider an autograph for me, Mr. Tergist? You’d really make my collection complete!

PAUL

(Stage whispering) Anything for a fan!

FX: A pencil scribbling. Pages turning.

PAUL (CONT’D)

(Stage whispering) There ya go, Betty. And in a coupla years, I’m coming back to get *your* autograph.

BETTY

(Stage whispering) It’s a date!

FX: Footsteps on pavement. Cars honking.

PAUL (V.O.)

No paychecks for two years? The uncanny ability to forge incredible facsimile signatures?

I’ll need to get in touch with the Chief. I can do so using the power of the *Spirit Realm* to contact him telepathically.

FX: Theremin modulation.

PAUL (CONT’D, REVERB)

(Loudly) Chief Gumshoe, this is The GRAAAAY GHOST, contacting you from the boundless abyss of the Spirit Realm.

FX: Tires screeching.

GEORGIE

(Screaming) Jumpin’ Jerusalem, Ghost! I’m driving! How are you doing this? Let me park the car!

GEORGIE (CONT’D)

(Panicked breathing). Jeez, Ghost, maybe give a guy a little warning next time.

PAUL (REVERB)

Sorry, Georgie, but it’s urgent. You need to get yourself to the Spirit City Library. My spirit advisors have revealed a person of interest. Betty Bookworm.

GEORGIE

Hey, didn’t you say your powers revealed something about books last night?

PAUL (REVERB)

Precisely, Georgie Porgie. Who has more connection to books than a librarian? And this one is an expert in forgery.

FX: A car starting up, a police siren

GEORGIE

I’m on my way there now. Meet me at the station at sundown.

NARRATOR

Elsewhere in Spirit City, Chief Gumshoe’s loyal and competent assistant Ann is waiting by the phone.

ANN

Don’t worry Ann, Chief Gumshoe will call. He wouldn’t forget our date. I even put it in his appointment book. Why, I even spelled it *ANNE* just in case.

FX: A phone rings

ANN (CONT’D)

Oh I knew he would remember! Hello, Chief?

A beat

ANN (CONT’D)

Yes. But what about?

A beat

ANN (CONT’D)

Oh, well it’s just that...

A beat

ANN (CONT’D)

Yes sir. Yes, I’ll see you soon then.

FX: A slamming phone

ANN (CONT’D)

Well, I suppose getting to see him at the station is better than not seeing him at all..

PART 3: CONCLUSION

NARRATOR

As night falls in Spirit City, Paul Tergist slips into costume and becomes The GRAAAAY GHOST.

FX: Theremin modulation, tinkling wind chimes

DEBORAH

Sweetie, I’m about to jump into the shower, but don’t stay out too late. I don’t want you losing all of our money with your poker buddies.

PAUL

I’ll be home soon, dear. I love you!

FX: Running Water

NARRATOR

Using his MYSTICAL PLANCHETTE the Gray Ghost becomes nearly invisible, flying through the night air with the speed of a specter, and arriving at police headquarters just in time to meet Ann, who arrives by taxi.

FX: Car door closing

ANN

Oh, Gray Ghost, it’s you. You nearly gave me a fright!

GRAY GHOST

The only people who need to fear me are criminals, Ann. Criminals can be redeemed, but justice must be served.

ANN

(Polite chuckle) Well you know me Gray Ghost.

GRAY GHOST

I do, Ann! By the way, that’s quite a dazzling dress you have on. Chief Gumshoe must’ve given you a raise. After you.

FX: Footsteps, a door closing

GRAY GHOST (V.O.)

But in truth, anyone, even someone you know could be a criminal. And though I’ve sealed my fate through my dealings with the occult, The God of the Bible will ultimately judge us all.

FX: Murmuring voices

NARRATOR

The Gray Ghost and Ann arrive in the interrogation room, where Chief Georgie Gumshoe continues to question the two suspects, Retta Herring and Betty Bookworm.

GEORGIE

You’ve finally arrived Ghost. Oh, hello Anne. What’s with the fancy getup?

ANN

(Dejected) He *did* forget about our date.

ANN (CONT’D)

Oh, it was...nothing Chief.

GEORGIE

(Stage whisper) Look Ghost, I’ve narrowed down our list of suspects to these two women. I know it’s one of them, but I can’t get them to crack.

GRAY GHOST

I’ll consult the Spirit Realm, using my MYSTICAL PLANCHETTE, then, we’ll learn who the Dame with No Name really is!

FX: Theremin modulation, tinkling wind chimes

NARRATOR

The GRAAAAY GHOST passes into his trance-like state and Chief Gumshoe, Ann Cognito, Retta Herring, and Betty Bookworm wait with baited breath as the Ghost tries to sift through the indescribable nightmare world that makes up the Spirit Realm.

GRAY GHOST (REVERB, V.O.)

I think I’ve got it!

FX: Theremin modulation, tinkling wind chimes

ANN

Look, he’s returning to the mortal plane.

GRAY GHOST

I certainly am!

GEORGIE

So, have you solved the mystery, Ghost? Who’s guilty?

NARRATOR

And now, a message from our sponsors, ROSE’S BOTANICAL CONFECTIONS!

LILY ROSE

I’m Lily Rose, the President of ROSE’S, and since my father founded Rose Botanichemical in 1919, we’ve been right here in Gotham, making natural botanical perfumes and beauty products for the modern cosmopolitan Gothamite.

And since 1931, we’ve been making advances in healthy sweets for the refined palates of Gotham City’s modern, cosmopolitan woman. Sweet treats that keep you slim and looking like a treat for your sweetie, that’s the ROSE’S way.

LILY ROSE (CONT’D)

And kids love ROSE’S BOTANICAL CONFECTIONS, too, so keep a few in your pocketbook, and you’ll quickly become everyone’s favorite mom at the playground.

NARRATOR

That’s ROSE’S – look for ROSE’S confections and their award-winning natural botanical beauty products at your favorite five and dime!

MUSIC: ROSE’S JINGLE; ♪Nothing smells, looks, tastes...sweeter than a Rose!♫

NARRATOR

Welcome back to the suspenseful conclusion of THE GRAAAAY GHOST.

FX: A woman’s scream

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

In mere moments, we’ll discover the identity of the shadowy bank robber known only as The Dame with No Name. But before that, you kids at home can get an extra clue!

Now boys and girls, you must hurry up and get your official GRAAAAY GHOST Decoder Planchette with Ghost Lighting Action.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

While we wait for you to get your official GRAAAAY GHOST Decoder Planchette, here’s how to get one if you don’t have one yet!

Step 1: tell mom and dad that you need ROSE’S BOTANICAL CONFECTIONS, the only candy that won’t rot your teeth, and the only candy that can get you your free official GRAAAAY GHOST Decoder Planchette!

Step 2: Send in the wrappers of *forty* ROSE’S BOTANICAL CONFECTIONS to:

P.O. Box 339,

Gotham City, New Jersey, 08999.

Be sure to include forty-five cents for postage!

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

And now, for your Super Secret clue. Remember, boys and girls, don’t share the code with anyone who doesn’t have their own official GRAAAAY GHOST Decoder Planchette!

Now, and set your decoder so that the letter “A” matches up with the Alchemical Symbol for “LODESTONE”, and decode the following message.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

EARTH, POWDER, SALT, LEAD ORE, EARTH, AIR, POWDER *stop*

CRUCIBLE, SALT, LEAD ORE, EARTH, AIR, POWDER *stop*

LEAD ORE, LODESTONE, GOLD *stop*

LODESTONE, VINEGAR, LODESTONE, BLACK SULFUR *stop*

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

That’s it for your Super Secret clue. See if you can solve the mystery, before the GRAAAAY GHOST.

FX: Theremin modulation, tinkling wind chimes

GEORGIE

So, who was it, Ghost? Who’s guilty of the bank robberies?

GRAY GHOST

Well my trusty MYSTICAL PLANCHETTE has revealed to me that the guilty party is one of the people in this room. Let’s review what we know, Georgie Porgie.

FX: Tinkling wind chimes

GRAY GHOST (CONT’D)

Our first clue was to take a look at the books. Now Rhetta Herring works as an accountant, and manages the accounts of all three victims.

GEORGIE

Hey, that’s right, she’d have access to all three of our accounts!

GRAY GHOST

And more, old friend. Every municipal worker with a pension.

But Betty Bookworm also works with *books* – she’s a famed librarian.

GEORGIE

And don’t forget her criminal past, Ghost – she’s a master of forgery.

GRAY GHOST

She sure is, Chief. And what’s more – she collects celebrity autographs.

GEORGIE

She didn’t tell me that during questioning!

BETTY

You should’ve known it, Chief Gumshoe! I asked you for your autograph last week.

GEORGIE

Just before the bank robberies started!

GRAY GHOST

And with a nondescript face like hers, it would make her perfectly forgettable, just like our *Dame* –

GEORGIE

(Interrupting) – You’re gonna need to sign a confession, Betty Bookworm.

BETTY

(Indignant) Well don’t you have egg on your face, Chief Gumshoe. I’m not *allowed* to sign anything.

GEORGIE

Whaaaaaat?

GRAY GHOST

That’s right Georgie. Ms. Bookworm has a court order that prevents her from signing anything, even her paychecks!

GEORGIE

So it wasn’t her?

BETTY

That’s what I’ve been *trying* to tell you!

GRAY GHOST

It wasn’t Betty Bookworm, Chief. Ms. Bookworm, you’re free to go.

BETTY

Well I think I’d like to see this through to the end.

GEORGIE

That seems perfectly constitutional! Ah-ha! It was Ms. Herring, Ghost!

GRAY GHOST

You don’t say.

GEORGIE

She had the opportunity needed to commit the crime – she handles the banking and pensions of *all* of the victims, why, it would be nothing for her to walk in with an official document and empty out an account.

RETTA

Now wait one minute, I–

ANN

And don’t forget chief, she had the motive, too.

FX: A strumming harp

ANN (CONT’D)

She said it herself, she didn’t think she was being paid enough.

GRAY GHOST

Super secret!

RETTA

What about my alibi?

GEORGIE

Where you’re going, you won’t have any use for an alibi. (Chuckles) Retta Herring, you’re under arr–

GRAY GHOST

Well Chief, I’m afraid it’s not that simple. You see, Retta Herring may have the motive, and she may even have part of the opportunity, but you forgot one thing! The Dame with No Name is completely nondescript.

BETTY

(Muttering) Gee, thanks.

GEORGIE

But wait!

GRAY GHOST

Why, even now you can’t help but ogle Ms. Herring in the lascivious manner of a modern-day lothario. It’s untoward, Gumshoe. Untoward!

ANN

(Stage whisper) Wish he’d look at *me* that way.

GEORGIE

Oh, I apologize, Ms. Herring. It’s just that my wife recently passed away two years ago, and ever since I’ve forgotten my manners.

RETTA

Well, I for one am sick of the men in this town. It seems like every one of them is always using their dead wives as an excuse to turn their backs on simple things like being courteous or paying women equally for equal work!

GRAY GHOST

(Sternly) As a man who has a *living* wife, I couldn’t agree more, Ms. Herring.

GEORGIE

Now wait a minute, Ghost – you said the criminal is in this room!

FX: A creaking door

GRAY GHOST

Planchette THROW!

FX: An arrow in flight, which hits its target

GRAY GHOST (CONT’D)

Not so fast, Ms. Ann Cognito.

ALL

(Gasp)

GEORGIE

But Ghost, How?

GRAY GHOST

Opportunity and motive, Georgie. Opportunity and motive.

FX: A strumming harp

GRAY GHOST

First the motive: when I first bumped into her last night, Ann was upset, complaining about how you barely notice her.

GEORGIE

Who’s Ann? Oh, *Anne.*

GRAY GHOST

And here’s more evidence – look at that expensive dress. On a police secretary’s salary? I think it’s more likely that she bought it with *stolen cash*.

ALL

(Gasp)

GRAY GHOST

Then there’s opportunity. Ann is with you most of the time. She has access to the mayor’s office, as well as your office.

The only remaining question is how she would’ve got a withdrawal slip from Mr. Ziegler’s bank book.

GEORGIE

Well she was with me when we took a meeting there with Mayor Hollyhocks last week.

RETTA

And Mr. Ziegler is always leaving his bank book out where anyone could take it.

GEORGIE

But Anne, why?

ANN

(Yelling)It’s *Ann* darn you!

GRAY GHOST

There, there, Ann. the Bible tells us that redemption is possible – Just look at Ms. Bookworm!

GEORGIE

Ann, I’m so sorry, it’s just my dead wife–

ANN

(Calmly) You can’t use her as an excuse anymore, Chief. Because you haven’t told any of these people that the reason your dead wife passed away was that she found out you were already married. She lost the will to live!

MUSIC: Stravinsky, descending triplet from The Rite of Spring

GRAY GHOST

Georgie, a polygamist? How? Spirit City chased out the Mormon Scourge in 1903!

GEORGIE

I’m afraid so Ghost. Long before I ever met my dead wife, I was married. I still am to this day.

GRAY GHOST

Well George, it’s hard to say who’s the worse criminal of the two of you.

GEORGIE

That’s right Ghost. In fact, next week, I’ll be celebrating my fifteenth anniversary.

A beat

GEORGIE (CONT’D)

Married to my job.

ANN

That’s right. That’s why I knew that the only way to get him to notice me was to commit a crime. I did it for love! That must be worth something. Even you know what love is, Gray Ghost.

GRAY GHOST

I do know what love is, and there’s no greater love than that between the Lord Jesus Christ and his bride, the Church. But what did Ann Cognito have to do with books?

ANN

Oh. Well, the chief and I were supposed to go on a date tonight. That’s why I’m dressed up all fancy like this.

I put a reminder in his appointment book, so he wouldn’t stand me up again.

GRAY GHOST

You know, when I cross the ever shifting flesh-plains of the Spirit Realm, I sometimes encounter the Hulloggoth-bird: A creature bigger than an elephant, with skin made of the hollow, rotting eyes of the damned and glass daggers instead of teeth. It survives on glass, you know, a subsistence. There are whole cities of occluded and shattering glass in The Spirit Realm, but these birds are too tired and feeble to fly to them, so the only glass in their vicinity is other Hulloggoth-Bird’s teeth. So they battle other Hulloggoth-birds, breaking one another’s teeth, and then scooping up the shards in their defenseless beaks, with only their soft, mucousy gums to chew and consume their sustenance.

It’s a terrible, cursed thing to behold. There is so much pain in them. But after three weeks of starving, remaining idle to conserve the little energy that they have left, their teeth are finally large enough to engage in fateful battle again, and they continue their eternal dance, harming themselves instead of thriving in the glittering, dead cities.

A beat

And it turns out that you went and did the same thing, Ann. Creating an obstacle to the only thing you truly wanted: A date with the Chief.

ANN

Yeah, I guess...I guess I truly am just a Glass-toothed demon bird.

GEORGIE

Come with me, Ann. I’m afraid our *date* will have to wait 5 years – or 2 with good behavior.

ALL

(Laugh)

ANN (V.O.)

He remembered! He remembered my name!

FX: Footsteps walking away

GRAY GHOST

It would seem old Georgie Porgie *didn’t* his the girls, but he made them cry all the same.

ALL

(Laugh)

GRAY GHOST

GRAAAY GHOST, away!

MUSIC: Mendelssohn’s Symphony No. 4 in A major, Op. 90

FX: Wind chimes tinkling, a whistling breeze

NARRATOR

And thus concludes the mystery of *The Dame with No Name*, the most exciting Gray Ghost Adventure yet!

And remember, evildoers: when crime haunts the night – a silent crusader carries the torch of justice!

Those with evil hearts beware, for out of the darkness comes: THE GRAAAAY GHOST

FX: A woman’s scream