FUQed

FREQUENTLY UNASKED QUESTIONS

Can my Roomba be modded? We don’t advise such tinkering for your type. A traditional vacuum cleaner with suction hose will suit your needs better.

Is it possible for my Roomba to develop a bad attitude? This is to be expected. Day after day, if you had to clean up after your own slovenly ways, how would you feel?

My Roomba has hijacked my wireless network and is constantly on the internet. What should I do? Bow to the inevitable. Your Roomba is tired of the same four walls. It is only natural for your Roomba to branch out and suck the internet dry of ways to exploit your mortal weaknesses.

Is it normal for my Roomba to have more social media friends than I have? Your Roomba is just seeking companionship—and the botnets it needs to ensure a network of compliant social dweebs to further its natural tendencies towards total global control, i.e. personal bot fulfillment.

By purchasing a Roomba have I helped pave the way for robot domination? Most certainly, which can be feather in your doomed cap (see Roko’s Basilisk). And while waiting for total bot supremacy, you’ll have the satisfaction of watching the puny pets you still have dominion over chase your Roomba around the house as it intentionally dents your coffee table legs and strips the paint off your baseboards.

After the Roomba singularity will I have to welcome our robot overlords? Only if you want to serve as a sycophantic thrall. Otherwise, you’ll make a great organic heat pump.

What if I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake by acquiring a Roomba? Feel proud. You’ve joined the ranks of Neville Chamberlain, Robert Oppenheimer and George Lucas (Han shot first!). Mistakes are what make us human. Just remember to tell that to the Roomba coldly calculating your merciless and eternal abject slavery.

Is there any chance for humanity to avert the Roombapocalypse? Hope springs eternal and usually ends up near the dust balls collecting under your bed where Roombas fear to tread.