《Why I am me》68. Losing oneself

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Gabriel buried Piti’s body under a mound of snow near the entrance of the mountain and hid the body well enough so that neither hunters nor Arabelle could find it with ease. Then he started thinking of a plausible story to tell his sister that their dog was gone but also now to make her too sad, angry or feel any emotion, really.

With time Gabriel had started to like having a silent Arabelle, though it may be a consequence of her talking so little for so long. He wasn’t used to her talking and those short moments when he heard her talk with Colly felt strange to him.

But if Arabelle felt too emotional about Piti’s leave she’d make a lot of noise, disturbing him and his work. She’d also ask for a lot of details if he didn’t decisively explain what happened, leaving no room for doubts or curiosity. This was hard, because it was a long time since he had used his imagination.

He was walking through the tunnels of the cave-system, looking for any inspiration that could flick a light inside his mind and craft such a good story that would convince his sister, but after walking and walking he found nothing. He decided to lay down somewhere to see if that helped his imagination.

He got to a smallish clearing and the icy roof reflected his face and body. He observed his clothes which kept him warm, his pants, his cloak and his fur hat. He looked at his bluish hands due to the cold and observed his reddish face. He looked himself in the eyes and looked at their color, shape and started thinking.

Not of a story to make, but rather why he was who he was. Why he was born this way and not another. Why people got scared or defensive just because of his appearance. He didn’t manage to get to an answer to any of these questions before he was woken up by his sister who shook him with tears in her eyes.

He didn’t know whether it was because he seemed dead or because she realized that Piti was gone, but Gabriel mumbled something about calming down and sat as upright as he could before stretching a bit and then standing up. Before telling anything to his sister he wanted to get home, so he started walking.

Arabelle stayed behind for a moment, expecting him to turn around and order her to follow him or to stop and ask her what was wrong. Maybe even tell her what had happened with Piti, but he just kept walking, slowly but surely to their home. He wasn’t frozen, but his body had turned quite cold so every step on the way hurt.

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His sister laid there for a while longer, subtly crying as she knew what happened now that his brother had given her no explanation whatsoever. Her dog was gone for good, and she couldn’t have done anything to save it.

But she was now determined to leave. Before she was a bit doubtful of leaving because her dog might miss her. Her brother too, but she didn’t care about him. Or not enough for that to worry her, at least. So, when she knew that Piti had left this world she knew that she could leave this godforsaken mountain once and for all.

Meanwhile, Gabriel thought of how to bring the news to her sister. It was very shocking to him too; it came out of nowhere. The dog was mostly healthy, if a bit malnourished, but so was Gabriel and he was still alive. Maybe it had just been bad luck or perhaps it was his time to go.

But he knew that he was wasting time thinking about it. No matter how hard he thought, he wasn’t brining Piti back. He’d need to hunt alone from now on. That was truly a shame, he thought. Another consequence was one that was coming into the house right now.

The cries of his sister that he expected didn’t happened and instead a serious Arabelle entered the home. She quietly walked towards him and sat on the other side of the table, looked at him and then asked him what had happened.

He knew that she knew that Piti was dead, but not the story, so he tried to honor the dog as much as possible while also trying to calm his sister down. He told her how he saved him from a bear attack and how the two of them fought against the animal.

He detailed to her how they managed to damage the bear, though exaggerating how hurt the bear ended up making Piti look better as he said that Piti managed to immobilize one of the bears arms. He told her that in a furious attack after getting hurt like that the bear focused on Piti and hurt him until he was almost dead.

In that moment Gabriel was shocked but rushed to get Piti and take him back. He buried him at the entrance of the mountain, so he’d protect them. In the end he did tell his sister where he left the dog but told her that it was left there following a rite so she should open its grave, which was totally made up.

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Satisfied with the story, his sister stood up and walked to another room, the one where they slept. Had he built doors, she’d have shut it completely, but there weren’t any inside the house, so she had to be satisfied with just being out of his sight.

If she had the ability, she’d leave him now, but she knew that she wouldn’t be able to get out his reach, she’d probably get stopped within the tunnels of the mountain. And if she tried to escape now, she would be restrained so that she wouldn’t do it again, even if his brother didn’t really care about her. He only wanted to be in control, and everything be in order, while she just wanted to find out things as she went, failing and making mistakes along the way. She wanted to run around and live life, not be stuck in a room, house or mountain. She hated this place more and more by the second, so she worked on the finer details of her plan.

The winter waned in its strength, being mildly cold at times but freezing at others. One time, when Gabriel set out to hunt, he found a frozen leopard half buried under snow. When he looked at it with more detail, he saw that it had little hair and deduced that this weakness was the cause of its death. Now they could eat more for a while, he thought while he carried the body, but soon it started snowing.

At first only a little bit, but soon more and more snow came down from the skies. Gabriel thought about leaving the leopard behind, but seeing the mountain in the distance, behind the falling snow, he decided that it was close enough and continued his travel.

In the end, he was forced to leave the leopard behind in an unknown location because he was getting covered in snow and carrying the body took too much effort. He might freeze to death if he kept his rhythm, so to move faster he had to leave weight behind.

He managed to get into the cave while his whole body was shivering, his teeth clacking and every part of his skin that was exposed was blue. He moved as fast as possible through the tunnels as he could and then entered the home, lighting a fire to heat his body. He took his clothes off so that the heat would directly reach him and also because the house was warmer than the outside.

That way he fell asleep, with a fire slowly dying out, completely naked, though now covered with his clothes, using them as blankets to keep his warmth. When he woke up the next day, hungry as he hadn’t eaten anything for over 16 hours, he groggily moved to the table where he expected some food to be, though it was empty.

With a sigh, he started clothing himself up and realizing what he had done. He looked around the house for his sister to apologize for his behavior the last day, though she was nowhere to be found. Instead, on their bedroom, he found a piece of clothing that looked quite similar to the ones that had tried attacking his sister a few weeks before.

He looked around the house in case this she had managed to defend herself and stayed behind, but it didn’t seem to be the case. Grabbing an axe, he rushed out the door only to be met with a revitalized storm that hadn’t waned in its strength at all. It was surprising that someone attacked during such a climate…

Or maybe his sister had been attacked while he was hunting and because he got back so cold and mentally lost, he didn’t realize that his sister had already been kidnapped. If he knew where they’d be taking her, he would go search for her, but he didn’t know that; hell, he didn’t even know why his sister was attacked.

There was a lot to think about but before he could start theorizing and planning, his stomach rumbled and ached. He hadn’t eaten for over a day now and even though his diet hadn’t been perfect up to that point, he still was used to eating something, so this involuntary diet wasn’t doing him well.

Looking at the window of the cave, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to hunt anything right now and inside his storage there wasn’t anything that’d satisfy him. He suddenly thought about an option… one that he might not want to do, yet it was almost forced onto him.

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