Cat’s mind gave her a break. After she let herself fall asleep to the idea of Peter’s comfort, she didn’t have any nightmares. No faces of anyone she didn’t want to ever see again, no confusing mazes or dreams where Peter appeared and claimed to know her thoughts. There weren’t any nightmares of showing up late to class or presenting in front of everyone naked, or being unaware of a test, or of Peter reading her horrible grades out loud to her friends and family. Or weird dreams of Peter being weirdly soft and affectionate with wandering hands that Dream Cat accepted too readily.

If she had any of those dreams, anyway, she didn’t remember them for once.

For the first time since that awful party, she slept solidly. Her thoughts floated gently, rather than swirling like fits of angry wasps. She could breathe again. Her eyes opened on their own accord, rather than to an alarm or the sound of someone calling her.

Cat sighed, blinking into the empty dorm room. Her eyes still felt heavy, and her limbs refused to move, but her mind…. It was as if she hadn’t truly slept in years. She sat there, silent, for a few moments, letting the peace and quiet drape over her.

Distant jingling approached her door, until finally Hannah’s face poked through.

“Cat?” she called quietly. She shimmied through the door when she saw her roommate was awake, and shut it quietly. Hannah swung her bag for it to plop on her bed, and approached Cat. “Cam said to talk to you. He didn’t tell me why, but he seemed really freaked out.”

Cat sighed and glanced to her nightstand, where here phone displayed the time. She had work soon. Or maybe not. Without answering her roommate, she grabbed for it to text her boss that she got sick. She had twelve texts and three missed calls from Cam. A few of the texts were from Kelsey and Hannah, asking if she was okay. Cam and his stupid, big mouth. Her and her stupid, big mouth. But she couldn’t handle him spreading lies like that, not when the truth was so much more sinister.

“Are you okay?” Hannah asked. Cat pursed her lips. It wasn’t fair that she told Cam and not Hannah and Kelsey. Though she never actually intended to tell Cam….

“You hear any of the rumors about me and the water polo team?” she settled with asking. Hannah’s expression said it all. The distasteful rumors that Cam spread were making their rounds, probably even getting worse and worse by the minute. That’s just how things went.

“I’ve heard people say things,” she admitted finally. “Mean things.” Mean? Cat pulled her comforter tighter around herself. “Is that what’s been going on? Or--what has been going on? Cam said--well, he just said that he was wrong. But I don’t know what about. He sounded scared for you….” Hannah knelt beside Cat’s bed, adjusting herself so that she could be seen through Cat’s comforter tunnel.

Cat let out a short sigh. What could she say? If she said the truth, would they leave her alone…? But now that Cam knew, too, there was no keeping it hidden.

“That party I went to before finals last year,” she started quietly, “um….” Her heart hammered so hard in her chest. “If I tell you, you guys have to promise not to talk about it, okay? I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to move on.” Her roommate’s face twisted into a sort of disgusted surprise; she could predict what Cat was going to say, but she was assuming the worst. Cat waited for her reply.

“Cat...if something...happened,” Hannah started, but she was interrupted.

“I mean it, Hannah.” Her tone was a bit more stern than she wanted it to come out, but hopefully it would work. “I didn’t want anyone to know. I still don’t. I didn’t even mean to tell Cam.” Hannah seemed taken aback, but slowly settled into the floor, shifting her weight from one side to another.

“Okay,” Hannah said eventually. She obviously wasn’t pleased, but if this is what got them off her back…. Cat took a full minute to prepare herself, searching the room for support, ideas of how to even say this.

“I was at the party for maybe half an hour, and, um….” Breathing seemed difficult now. “Nate, he….” Hannah’s hand flew up to cover her own mouth, her brows knitted tightly. “He drugged me. But--but Peter and Georgia intervened, and they just made sure I got back safe.”

Hannah still wasn’t breathing. “Did Nate--did he--”

“No,” Cat answered before her roommate could voice the worst case scenario. “Georgia and Peter got to me first. And I guess Nate’s saying, to cover his ass, that I ditched him to go sleep with….” Cat wiped her hair out of her face, and pulled her comforter up to her chin. “I guess I couldn’t walk, so it looked like--but I don’t--” She hadn’t realized that her eyes had started to well up again. “I don’t remember anything.” Before her roommate could react, Cat sucked in a breath and continued, “And I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want anyone to know. So don’t bring it up. Ever.”

Hannah’s lips parted and pursed over and over again for the next minute as she digested what Cat said. Her soft gaze explored Cat, then the floor, then the room, until Hannah finally sighed and shrugged.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea not to talk about it,” she said. Cat frowned, steeling herself.

“You can talk about it all you want with Cam, Kelsey, Peter, and Georgia. Just keep me out of it.” At her tone, Hannah resigned.

“Alright.”

“Thank you.”

Hannah slowly rose from the floor, seemingly unable to handle much more of this.

“I’ve got--hey, don’t you have class or work or something?” When she got to her feet, Cat’s roommate animated just a bit more.

“I’m out sick.”

“Oh...okay.” And now that Hannah understood Cat’s mood a little more, she deflated and returned to her side of the room, providing as much space as a tiny dorm like this one could.

Things took a while to get back to normal. The first few times Cat faced any of her friends, even Peter, they looked at her like she was a glass vase about to tip over and shatter. And maybe they weren’t far off about that. She was quite a bit more reactionary than normal, which was saying something, and her usual back-and-forth quips with Peter escalated to a weird level. Any time she saw him it was like the string in her chest got pulled even tauter, and that at some point it was just going to snap and she was just going to disappear into nothingness all together. He brought up too many memories, too many feelings with just the appearance of his dimples. At least she only saw him at mealtimes.

Half the time she couldn’t even keep track of what she was arguing with him about.

“I literally just said that, ten seconds ago,” Peter snapped back at her one afternoon. While everyone else was still gathering their preferred lunch, it left Cat and Peter some time to get in a round before their friends shut them up.

“No you didn’t--!”

“Yes I did!”

“Be more memorable and maybe I’ll--”

Cam dropped his tray on the table loudly as he declared, “Grown-ups are approaching, time to stop the playground bullying.”

“You’re a playground bully,” Cat muttered under her breath.

“Kelsey!” Cam called, waving into the distance. The other two girls in their group found them with his obnoxiously loud voice and joined them momentarily. Their usual chatter started, but it wasn’t until Kelsey started yelling insults at Cameron, that Cat actually start to pay attention again.

“What did I miss?” she asked, blinking to Hannah.

“Just wait for it,” Hannah said. As if on cue, Cam’s grown-up response to Kelsey’s reaction was to start to spell out: “M-I-D-T-R-M-S!”

“You’re missing a letter there, genius,” Cat said, nudging him. Though had it already been four weeks since the semester began? Midterms were starting? “Man, I’ve got a pre-calc midterm coming up,” she realized. That stupid class had two.

“Pre-calc?” Hannah echoed, furrowing her brows. “I haven’t heard you even mention that since last semester. I thought you decided against it.” Maybe because Cat had yet to even attend a lecture.

“No, I’m taking it.”

“Oh. When’s your class?”

Cat eyed the giant clock on the wall opposite their table. “Uh, technically now.”

“Now? You’re--Cat, are you telling me you’ve never gone to this class?” Suddenly, the table was a lot quieter, and everyone stopped prodding at their food to stare at her. “You don’t skip class. You even went after splitting your head open against doctor’s orders.” Cat shrugged.

“I went to the first one. He doesn’t take attendance and reads straight from the book, so that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve just been reading it.”

“No homework?” Cam asked. “Shit, wish I took that guy. Who’s your professor?”

Peter decided to interject: “No practice problems?”

Cat rolled her eyes. “No, it’s fine. I’ve got it.” But Peter laughed at her--which was totally unnecessary.

“Math is a practice thing. You’re screwed if you haven’t done any practice problems.”

“I understand the concepts just fine, I’m not an idiot--”

“Other than the fact that you are, it takes more than just reading examples to fully grasp any concept.” His voice was so sharp and condescending. Cat scoffed.

“Maybe if you’re a simpleton and can’t read! I understand everything perfectly!”

Peter laughed at her again. “Fine, whatever. Don’t come crying to me when you fail.”

"I won’t fail!"

At least, she wasn’t supposed to. But even before she got her results, Cat knew she did. How was she supposed to answer 50 of those questions in an hour and a half? She’d only gotten to number twenty before the professor asked everyone to turn in their scantrons. And while half of the questions felt like review from high school, there were some that just didn’t make any sense.

She knew, theoretically, what a limit was. She’d read about it all. But for whatever reason, when she saw the words on the page next to equations and questions, everything she read just disappeared. And now she walked out of her midterm with shaking, sweaty palms. How could this happen?

The teacher said she could just read the book and be fine with it! That’s exactly what she did! And she wasn’t alone. Walking out of that midterm, everyone seemed to have worried looks on their faces.

“Is it just me, or was that unnecessarily hard?”

“Damn, that guy’s brutal. Hope he’s grading on a curve.” And for the first time in Cat’s academic life, she desperately hoped for the opposite. There was no way she was on top of that curve. She’d be, if anything, the example of what not to do in this stupid class.

She attempted to calm herself down on her walk to the Tutoring Center beside the library. One tutoring session would do it. She just missed some sort of obvious point. She just needed to see what she misunderstood, and it would all work out. Like a lightbulb, she’d suddenly see the light and understand everything like normal and ace the next midterm.

The Tutoring Center was a lot smaller than she thought it would be; chairs of all different types made up their waiting queue, and each seat was filled with twitching or reading students of all walks of life. Cat approached a small desk with a clunky computer on it, and addressed the lady with thick, clear glasses. Cat fiddled with her wallet and announced, “I’d, um, like to sign up to get tutoring.”

“What class?”

“Pre-calc,” Cat said. “And what are the fees?”

“It’s twenty dollars a session, but you can have it bundled and pay for a few at a time, too.” The girl adjusted her glasses as she clicked about on her computer. Cat tried to be patient and occupied herself by calculating how many sessions she could afford without asking her parents for money, but her numbers were interrupted. “We can have you in at noon on Monday the 22nd.” Cat sighed, then grabbed her phone to put it in her calendar. It wasn’t as soon as she’d like, but it was just before her next midterm, and that’s what she needed.

“Monday--do you mean Friday the 22nd?” The desk lady shook her head.

“We’re looking at April, dear.”

"April?" Cat echoed a little too loudly. Whispered conversations from behind the staff area hesitated at her outburst. “It’s February!”

“Yes, we’re a little--”

“Can’t you get me in any sooner? Any time. I’m not picky.” Cat’s knuckles turned white against her phone, but the lady shrugged.

“Sorry, that’s the soonest one I’ve got open.” Her words were not comforting. “I mean, it’s not a bad deal. This one’s got good reviews. He’s new, but only five stars so far.” New tutor for math, huh? She wanted to laugh. Cat pursed her lips, then looked up to the ceiling to mentally shake a fist at God. Was He serious, doing this? Why was he using Peter’s words to humble her so much? Suppressing a growl, Cat lowered her gaze back to the lady at the computer and nodded.

“Alright. Can I talk to the tutor first?” Maybe if she talked to Peter now, he’d find a way to tutor her off-hours, and she could pay him under the table….

“What?” The lady squinted at her.

“Can I just talk to him for a minute to confirm the booking?”

“Oh. Um, okay. I think he’s got someone coming in, though--”

“Just to confirm. I know him, we’re friends. It’s fine.”

“Oh. Um, okay. Let me swipe your student ID card to book it now, though.” By the time Cat handed over her ID, her tongue still tingled with the word “friends.” Was that what they were, now? It wasn’t him saving her life or seeing him almost every single day of the school year, it just took her needing something from him. Cat’s stomach sunk to the floor. What kind of person was she?

But the desk lady rose from her seat to go fetch Peter after handing back Cat’s ID, and she sat there and stewed at the counter for a full minute before she returned.

“He’ll be right out. If you’ll step to the side?” Cat didn’t even look at her as she took a few footsteps to the left. The next person needed help writing an essay, and they got into an appointment next week. Where was the justice in that?

She absolutely hated Peter’s expression when he came around the corner. He looked so unbelievably happy, teeth shining, dimples hanging his grin from cheek to cheek. The more miserable she looked, the more amused he did.

“You failed!” he announced cheerfully. “I told you, you would!” The small line of people waiting in the chairs didn’t seem to like his announcement, but he ignored them. “I told you--”

“Peter, I’m desperate,” she interrupted. “You can gloat later. I just need help.” The tiniest bit of wonder twinkled in his eye.

“You’re booked, don’t worry. I’ll help you.”

“No,” she corrected uneasily, “I need help sooner. I can’t wait that long.”

“How long is the wait?”

"April.”

“Oh. I guess we are in desperate need of tutors….” he trailed off.

“Peter!”

“What do you want me to do about it?”

Cat lowered her voice to a near whisper. “I’ll pay you under the table. Please…. I have another midterm in three weeks.” Peter’s eyes narrowed, but it almost seemed ingenuine.

“Are you trying to get me fired?” he whispered back. He didn’t sound as irritated as he tried to look.

“I need at least one or two sessions before my midterm. And you’ll be getting the full twenty bucks, rather than the discounted rate the school takes.” She only let him have a moment to consider. “You’re just the first person I’m asking. I’ll go to a different tutor--”

“Cat, calm down. Jesus.” He took a quick glance over to the desk lady before he said, “I have control of my own schedule. I can just open it up and schedule you.” Oh. That sounded a lot simpler than she thought it would be. Cat blinked at him. “I can only adjust it every couple weeks, though. So I can’t help you until two weeks from now.” Just as she was about to say something, he continued. “And I can’t legally take money from you for tutoring you. It has to go through the school.” She rolled her eyes at him.

“It’s not like I’d tell anyone. You’re helping me.” Again. He was always helping. And she was....

“I’ll--I’ll open my schedule. And we can meet next week--unofficially. Okay? But two conditions.” He held up his fingers. “One, you start going to class.” Cat frowned, but nodded. She was planning to do that anyway. “And two….” It was his turn to whisper, now. “Go to just one session of counseling.” She almost exploded right there, almost began screaming at him or slapping him or something, because that was the most ridiculous-- “I’ll shut up about it after that. Just go to the intake. That’s not even a full appointment. It’s a half hour. Go to that, and I’ll help you for a free session and never bring it up again.”

Her heart hammered so loudly in her chest, she wondered if he could hear it. Just when she thought everyone was going to be quiet about the worst night of her life, he went and brought it all up again. And now she went from staring at his eyes in the Tutoring Center to the floor of Nate’s bathroom, crying, feeling betrayed and stupid and sick…. Cat blinked herself back into the present, but her eyes still watered like she was still there, still unable to even walk on her own. She shrunk, dropping her gaze, and took a step back to leave.

“I-I--” She wanted to yell at him, to demand why he dared to bring something like that up in such a public place, but the desk lady swore and started to slam at her computer; the percussive maintenance felt like a message, like she was the stupid, old computer that needed “recalibrating” if thinking about one night reduced her to tears every time she even thought about it. Cat still looked to the desk lady, but grimaced.

“Cat?” Peter prompted quietly.

She didn’t look at him, but finally nodded. “Fine. You have a deal.”