《The Trials of The Fallen Paladin》Chapter 40 - Losses, Sacrifices, and Abandonment
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When I awoke, I knew time had passed.
I also knew that while Alis was still partly in our realm that only Celameth’s body was. Her spirit was elsewhere. Somewhere dangerous for her. But her spirit wasn’t alone. For some reason, some of Alis’ spirit was there with her.
That was when I noticed a slight weakening of Celameth’s spirit.
Without thinking, I sped along the path Alis had opened up to that elsewhere, where both she and Celameth were. She was in her realm of isolation. A place where divine beings sometimes came to free themselves from the pressures that they faced, sometimes even to let things go which they no longer desired to hold.
The fact that I was here showed Alis trusted me enough for me to enter her most private of places. I was unsure of how, or why, Celameth came to be here, but she was here and she was fading.
As I sped along the path, Celameth's spirit weakened further and further.
Finally, I reached her spirit and held her tight, gathering all the spirit that had started departing her and stuffing it into her as if I was stuffing a chicken with stuffing.
Still, she allowed her spirit to leak out.
‘Please, don’t go.’ I begged her.
I didn’t want to lose another person I loved.
Two was two too many.
Though I knew in time that I would loose Celameth as I would remain a divine being and she would remain a mortal. Still, I hoped that in the time we had that we could make memories, so when the time came for her to pass, then we would look back fondly over our life together and see the brightness path of a loving life lived together and to be happy for what we had shared together.
‘Klarric? Is that you?’ Celameth asked. ‘Why will you not let me go? You have Alis, I have no one.’
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‘You have me, and I hope you have Alis, too. Though I can’t answer for her. I love you, Celameth. Please don’t go before we have a chance to live a life together.’
‘You love me? But why? I was only going to use you. Take what I wanted and then abandon you. So please let me go, let me fade away. There’s nothing for me anymore. Everything which I loved and built my life on has gone. There’s no need for me anymore. The best thing I can do is to depart.’
‘I love you.’ I did my best to send my feelings across to her in this realm of isolation. Some of the diffuse edges faded away into nothingness. But it didn’t matter. I had more and could always find more and more ways to increase the love I had for her.
‘But what about Alis, don’t you love her? Can you really love the two of us at the same time? Will your love for me mean that there is less love available to love Alis? Will your love for Alis mean there’s less love for you to love me?’
‘I love you, Celameth. I love Alis, too. My love for the both of you is different from the other. What I love about each of you is unique and special. What I love about Alis is not what I love about you, Celameth.’
Would Celameth understand what I was trying to say, what I wanted to say? Would she accept my feelings? Could I even manage to put my feelings into words that she could understand?
All I wanted to do was to hold her close, tell her I loved her, and let my touch tell her. But here, within Alis’ realm of isolation, that would be next to impossible. So all I could do was to continue with my words, hoping that they would reach her.
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‘It was a surprise to me when I first realised that I loved you, and wanted to spend my life with you. For me it has not been long since I departed Rynstowe to head to Netherfane with Hallvard’s guide. So my feelings now are as strong now as they were then. I missed you, and sometimes when on the deck of the ship I saw a beautiful sunset I longed to call for you so we could stand together and watch the glorious sun burning, holding its own against the darkness.
‘All those sunsets hurt. I wanted to share them with you. Even though sometimes I watched them with Alis, she never fully understood why they meant so much to me.’
I didn’t know what else to say. I said everything I could and left nothing back. It was embarrassing, but still I was glad I had.
‘When I awoke, I found myself alone for the first time in my life. When I was a child, attendants surrounded me at all times. Later, during the Years of Invasion more people started surrounding me, guards and teachers. All of them were there to help prepare me for leading the Sillenal Empire.
‘During that time I started following Aggard, and she blessed me. From that moment on, I could always feel her deep within me. No matter what happened, she was there.
‘Even after the empire fell, and the lands of the Sillenal Empire had been shattered, my most trusted maid and guard remained with me. Then Aggard came and told me of a plan to purify the new born Isles of Dunkeltal. It was then the two of them finally left my service to live the rest of their lives.
‘Not being able to let go of my duty to what had been the Sillenal Empire, I accepted the dubious blessing that Aggard gave me. In the six hundred years since only the single-minded focus of that grand plan of Aggard, and the faint blessing of Aggard within, sustained me.
‘Last winter, the two of you came into my life. At first I wanted to use you. But you had other plans, and so I accepted them just to keep you close. So I could continue to use you. But over those months, somehow you and Alis managed to reach me in a way that no one had.
‘No one, not even Aggard…’ I could tell that Celameth was trying her best to be as open to me as I had been to her, and she was struggling, as I had struggled. So I let her be in silence as she struggled with her words. ‘I had always been surrounded by people, but they always kept their distance from me. Not you. Not Alis. The two of you moved into my home. We spent days together, busy times together, quiet times together. We slept squashed in the same bed.
‘Before I realised, I was looking forward to my days with the two of you. It hit me hard when it was time for you to go to Netherfane. But I was looking forward to seeing you when I awoke in my old body, the one I had sacrificed when I became Aggard’s First Watcher.
‘I was looking forward to being able to marry you and Alis both. To living together and having children with you. When I heard you and Alis had gotten married, I was scared.
‘Scared that you too had abandoned me.’
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flowers !
your eyes burned like the cascade of flowers .
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