Chapter 43

Seolhee lived. But as soon as she was in complete recovery, she’d have to pay a heavy fine and spend at least a year in rehab. It was called that, but in reality, it was pretty much a gentler prison sentence.

I wouldn’t be able to see her. Only her immediate family could even contact her.

I hated that I had contributed to her pain. If anything I was probably the last and final reason that pushed her over the edge. I blamed myself for never seeing deeper, for not asking more. Instead of showing her empathy or trying to understand why she did the things she did, I just wrote it off as Seolhee being Seolhee.

I could never take back the things I said to her. I’d been her last hope, supposedly, and even I had eventually gotten frustrated and irritated with her erratic behavior and tried to leave her. I now knew she had a history of addiction. I still didn’t know the full story, but her last message to me had hinted at a previous trauma in her past. I wished I had asked. I wished I had known.

Seolhee hadn’t been the shallow one. I was.

Misery and self loathing set in. I only accepted people if I liked what I saw on the surface. I used them. The only reason I’d gone looking for my errant brother was because I could no longer stand my family. I had used the Tigers when I was struggling to reconcile with my brother. I had used Seolhee to fend off my own loneliness after I had, by my own hand, burned every other bridge behind me.

The disappointment and hatred I’d left behind I could bear. But the consequence this time had very nearly been lethal.

But the world wasn’t done kicking me around yet. Even as I was wallowing in my feelings, I received a call. I didn’t want to answer, but I checked the caller ID.

Immediately I knew I had to answer.

I picked up the phone.

“Hello? Is this Baek Jaehyun?” a calm, authoritarian voice said on the other end. The owner of the voice had to be military. That kind of efficient, formal intonation was unmistakable.

“Yes,” I said, nervously. I didn’t know why the NIS was calling me.

“Your brother asked us to call you–”

“Where is he?” I interrupted. I didn’t feel any sort of relief that the NIS wasn’t calling to talk about my recent scandals. “Why isn’t he calling me himself?”

“He’s just gone into surgery,” the voice at the other end said, with that same emotionless efficiency. They hadn’t been bothered by my interruption at all.

“He’s been shot.”

I rushed to the hospital as soon as I could, but I’d arrived before they’d let him out of the operating room. It was an agonizing wait, but at least another agent or officer (I couldn’t remember) briefed me on what had happened while I was there.

They were somewhat sparse with the exact details and only told me what was essential. The mission he’d gone on today was confidential. I had been right in thinking that his long ‘workday’ today was a dangerous one. He’d gone to supervise a raid. A gunfight had broken out. Taejun had been one of the lucky ones, they told me. His injuries were non-life threatening.

That gave me some relief knowing he wasn’t in a life or death surgery. But not much.

By the time they let me see him, he was already awake and conscious. And, judging from the suits that left as I was entering, he was lucid enough to be debriefed as well. I couldn’t help feeling angry that even now, I, his immediate family, was second to those unknown suited men in importance here in this hospital.

“Fucking hell,” I swore, the moment I saw him. His left arm was casted and there were various wrappings all over his arms, and one on his neck. I couldn’t see his legs or chest under the blankets and I was afraid there would be more wrappings the more I looked.

Taejun gave me a dry laugh. “Jae-ya. I’m ok, really. I’m sorry you have to see me like this,” he said.

“I mean… you’re alive, so…” There was no point in asking how he was feeling. There was no way he wasn’t feeling like shit. I dropped into the chair next to his bed and stared at all his injuries. There was a lot to take in. “That’s kind of better than the other way.”

Taejun sighed and closed his eyes. “It’s better than it looks, really.”

“Yeah?! They told me you were shot twice!”

Taejun winced. “I was wearing armor. The arm’s the bad one,” he admitted. “Armor’s a little weaker on the limbs. The shot fractured both bones in my forearm.”

“You were gutshot and you’re telling me the arm’s the bad one,” I said dumbfoundedly.

“That doesn’t count as being gutshot. It barely pierced the armor,” Taejun reassured me.

“You don’t have to act so tough,” I replied weakly. A gunshot wound was always serious, no matter what. “What the hell were you doing?”

“You know I can’t tell you that, Jae,” Taejun said.

“So you’re just going to tell me nothing.”

My words must have struck something. A guilty look darkened Taejun’s face. He glanced at the suits at the door then gave me a conspiratory look. I understood. We were in a military hospital. If he was going to tell me, he couldn’t do it here. I decided not to press him for now. He was probably already exhausted from his mission and from the pain of his injuries.

“How long are they going to keep you in here?” I asked.

“Should just be a couple of nights. Like I said, it’s not as bad as it looks.”

“From my perspective, it looks really bad.” This was my second time being in a hospital looking down at someone on a hospital bed. My usually terrifying brother looked so helpless and weak like this. It was hard for me to see.

“Was it really bad out there?” I asked.

Taejun looked away. “I’m tired, Jae,” he said, half-assedly not answering. It must have been bad. But as badly as I wanted to know what had happened to him, I too was feeling overwhelmed at this day. Well, it was into the earlier hours of the morning now.

So much had happened. So many people got hurt, and not just physically. I felt all the adrenaline fueled energy from the panic of hearing my brother was shot disappear suddenly. My body felt heavy, as though I were trapped under a ten ton truck. I didn’t even know if I had the energy to drag myself home now. Or even get out of this chair.

“Ok,” I said. “It’s ok. You should rest.”

“You look tired too, Jae-ya,” he said worriedly. My face was probably betraying all the worry and stress I’d experienced today.

I didn’t want to be alone tonight. It was just too much. It was all too much to face alone right now.

“Can I stay here?” I asked.

“I think so,” Taejun replied. “Let’s call a nurse.”

I felt stiff waking up from the weird cot they’d let me sleep in last night. But judging by the look on Taejun’s face, he hadn’t slept well at all either. He had deep dark circles around his eyes and his expression looked pained.

“So much for it’s worse than it looks,” I scoffed at him as I called a nurse to reup his painkiller drip.

I phoned in to take the day off work. My manager wasn’t happy at the last minute cancellation until I told him that my brother was in the hospital after being shot. After learning that my brother worked for the NIS, my manager had a sudden change of heart and generously told me to take as much time off as I needed. For some reason that irritated me.

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” I promised.

The nurses and doctors had his serious care handled while he was in the hospital, but helping take care of smaller things for Taejun helped take my mind off things that day. I made a quick trip back home to grab some things Taejun wanted, and to get us something better to eat than the unpalatable-ly stale tasting meals that the hospital served, but apart from then I spent the rest of the day mostly uselessly by Taejun’s bed as he slept off his pain.

Sleep was good. He definitely needed it after the last few days, I knew.

My phone buzzed with a text.

[ hey, just wanted to check in on you. U ok? ]

The message was from Eunsoo, but I had a feeling that Eunsoo had been prompted by someone else to check in on me. I quickly replied.

[ yeah I’m ok. Im relieved she made it through ]

I typed in [ what about you? ]. I hesitated slightly, then added to my question and hit send before I could second guess myself.

[ what about you and Ryu? ]

After all, I was pretty sure it was Ryusuke who had prompted him to check in at all. And even though Ryusuke had seemed calm during the crisis, that didn’t mean it hadn’t affected him either.

Of course easy-going Eunsoo took my question in stride and answered easily.

[ we’re ok. bit of a rough night but yeah, at least it was good news. Just waiting on more news now ]

[ did you go to work today? Might drop in for a chat ]

[ not at work. Took the day off ]

[ prob a good idea. where you at then ]

[ hospital ]

[ with Seolhee???? ]

I cursed myself quietly for accidentally and automatically answering his question. After all, Eunsoo was a ‘gossipy bitch’. But at the same time I was exhausted and overwhelmed from not being able to talk to anyone about anything. And Eunsoo might have been a ‘gossipy bitch’ but at least he knew to keep quiet about sensitive issues. I decided to trust him.

[ no. my brother. ]

[ he was shot ]

He immediately called instead of texting back. I snorted and picked up.

“Ai ssi-bal,” he swore as soon as I picked up. “What happened?”

“That’s confidential. I don’t even fucking know,” I said irritably.

Eunsoo was quiet for a moment. “Damn. You’ve been having a shit few days eh?”

“Tell me about it,” I groaned.

“I heard about your fight too,” Eunsoo added. “And apparently you got arrested?!”

“I– what? No, I didn’t,” I sputtered. “The other guy did.”

“What?! Why him and not you?”

“He had a knife,” I said simply.

“Fuckin’ hell,” Eunsoo swore again. “Bro. I thought you were leaving the racing scene to stay on the straight and narrow and all that,” he complained.

“You’re telling me. Wait, hang on a second,” My conversation had roused Taejun, and he was looking at me with a question on his face.

“Who are you talking to?” he asked sleepily.

“My friend,” I told him.

“‘Kay,” Taejun said, settling back down. “Don’t tell them too much.”

“You haven’t told me shit to tell anyone else,” I reminded Taejun. He blinked and frowned but didn’t refute the truth of that statement. I turned my attention back to the phone, but got up so I wasn’t disturbing Taejun as much. “Sorry. That was my brother.”

“No shit. Anyways. Do you need me to come over? Sounds like your whole life is in shambles,” Eunsoo said sympathetically.

“No, there’s no point,” I said wearily. “Besides, we’re at a military hospital and I’m not sure if they’d even let you into his ward.”

“Damn,” Eunsoo whistled. “Well, excuse me for being a filthy civilian. Your life is way too exciting. Ok, well, let me know when I can come visit. Or if I can help in any way.”

“Thanks, Eunsoo,” I replied. Last time we’d seen each other we’d also promised to stay in touch, but hadn’t.

“For real this time. You’re having a rough ass time and you need help,” he said, as though he’d read my mind. Eunsoo hesitated. “Your super-hot secret agent brother isn’t dying, is he?”

Fuckin Eunsoo. I couldn’t help letting out an amused snort. “Fuck off, you dog. But no. He’s hurt, but mostly fine,” I said, glancing back at my secret agent brother. I don’t think even Eunsoo would consider him hot in his current worn out and defeated state. He was awkwardly checking his phone with one hand. I sincerely hoped his work wasn’t trying to reach him even now.

“Ok, that’s good, that’s good,” Eunsoo replied distractedly. “Anyways. Call or text me if you need anything.”

“Sure,” I said.

After I ended my call with Eunsoo, I went back to my brother. He had put his phone back down on the side table. Whatever had happened to him yesterday must have been weighing heavily on him. He looked as far away as the time I’d caught him drinking and staring at the ceiling.

“Are you alright?” I asked hesitantly. “Do you need anything, hyung?”

Taejun seemed to be roused a little when I spoke. He turned to me quickly as though he had just realized I was there, but the quick moment made him wince. “Help me up,” he said. “I want to go for a walk.”

I looked at all the drips he was connected to. “Er, let me call a nurse to ask if that’s ok.”

“It’s ok,” Taejun insisted.

The nurse thought otherwise.

The next couple of days were stressful. Taejun was definitely feeling restless, and though the nurses allowed him to walk around after the second day, he wanted to spend all his time pacing back and forth. But the nurses wouldn’t let him storm up and down the halls incessantly lest he disturb the other patients, so he was constantly in a mood when he was forced to be confined to his room for rest.

I’d gone back to work after the first day, but I’d always go to spend the evening with him after cram school. The poor nurses were always relieved to see me arriving. I did my best to try to cheer up my brother with little things, like bringing him his favorite things to eat. I always brought him a coffee from a coffee shop I knew he liked. It was annoyingly expensive, but it was worth it for the momentary satisfaction it gave my irritable brother.

“You’re a good dongsaeng,” Taejun would sigh after relishing that first sip.

“That’s another 10 thousand won I’m adding to your tab,” I told him.

But if anything he made up for it in tutoring me during that time. Before this, Taejun had constantly existed in a state of perpetual non ending work (and I still often caught him checking his phone impulsively) and this break didn’t sit well with him. He was incredibly eager to help me with my cram school work. My teachers were very pleased with my work that week.

I was still fighting intrusive thoughts of being Seolhee’s reason why. In quiet moments, the thoughts would come creeping back to haunt me. Even though I tried not to spend any time alone lest I became overwhelmed, even Taejun still had to succumb to sleep from time to time, and then I’d be alone with just my thoughts.

Why did I say those things to her? Why had I been so cruel? If I had had things differently, if I had given her a second chance, would things have turned out this way? The guilt was agonizing.

“What are you thinking about?” Taejun asked.

I startled. “I thought you were asleep,” I said, rubbing my sleeve over my face quickly.

“I was. But you’re thinking very loudly,” Taejun sat up and winced. Despite him saying that his abdominal GSW was minor, it still seemed to cause him a lot of pain in the evenings. “You look terrible,” he pointed out. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I wondered if I should tell him. I glanced towards the ward door. It was closed and no one was there. Taejun was a favorite in the NIS and had gotten his own private ward, but even then he was wary of telling me anything about his last mission. I wondered if I should exercise that same precaution. Taejun caught my glance.

“Are you about to ask me about what happened, again?” he asked hesitantly.

“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t want to risk getting you in trouble. You can just tell me that at home.”

Taejun looked at me with consideration. I could almost hear the cogs in his brain working, figuring me out. “Something happened then. Was it the gang?” he asked, his voice dropping low.

He was going to be playing this guessing game all night if I didn’t give in. The guy was too bored to give up. “I broke up with Lee Seolhee,” I replied half assedly. “That’s all.”

“That’s not all,” Taejun frowned. “You’re sturdier than that.”

It was too difficult bearing the burden of what had happened with Seolhee by myself. Before I could stop myself, I told Taejun what had happened. His eyes went wide as I described her text, then going to her place and finding her comatose. I tried to downplay the panic I’d felt that day, but I don’t think I was able to hide the horror that resurfaced as I told him the story.

“You waited until now to tell me?!” Taejun hissed in a harsh whisper.

“You’re literally sitting there with two holes in you. There hasn’t exactly been a good time to say anything,” I protested.

“I don’t have any holes in me, they’re both sewn up– anyways, that’s not important,” my brother said. “Do you know what happened with Seolhee?”

“All I know is that she’s in a holding ward right now,” I said miserably. “It was her sister who called EMS though, so I’m not involved at all. I can’t contact her, and I haven’t tried, because… you know…” I gestured half assedly at Taejun. He’d understand that I couldn’t get too deeply involved lest I bring him down too.

“Ssi-bal,” Taejun murmured. “Christ, I wished you would have told me sooner. Come here.” It was an awkward hug around Taejun’s injuries, and I didn’t know why, but the moment he put his arm around me, I felt tears sliding down my face. I held Taejun as tightly as I dared to without aggravating his wounds and pressed my face into his shoulder as more and more tears escaped.

“It’s my fault. I made her do it,” I said over and over in broken sobs. I felt pathetic, holding onto my older brother and crying like this like I was a kid again. But even so I couldn’t stop crying. I had hurt Seolhee so badly, I’d caused her to make an attempt on her life. I had been so cruel and so heartless. I was scum and I didn’t deserve to be comforted.

Even so, Taejun did. He shushed me as he rubbed my back. “It’s not your fault,” he said gently. “It isn’t.”

“It was,” I insisted. “The things I said—”

“You didn’t know how bad she was hurting. But even then, whatever you said doesn’t matter. You’re not responsible for her actions. Regardless of how much we think we do, we never have control over anyone else’s thoughts or actions,” Taejun said.

That stopped me from rambling how it was my fault over and over again. I listened.

“No matter what you think could have happened if you had said or done things differently, you never had any control of what she chose to do. And a decision like the one she made that day is never made rationally. The best thing right now is that she’s somewhere where she can get help to overcome the issues that forced her into thinking that that was her only solution.”

“It’s not your fault,” Taejun concluded. “But you were there to help when she needed you. You found her, and were able to get her to help in time.”

The gentle authority in his voice was strangely soothing, and suddenly I felt some of the guilt that had been hanging over me melt away. A fresh wave of tears flowed out and for a few minutes I couldn’t speak as I continued to cling to Taejun.

“But the drugs–”

“The consequences of that will be lessened in light of her mental health issues,” Taejun reassured me. “The most important thing the state will want for her first is to be able to recover fully, physically and mentally, no matter how long it takes.”

The relief in hearing that was almost overwhelming, especially hearing it from my brother who worked for the government and knew about these sorts of things. I sagged limply in Taejun’s arms as he continued to pat me soothingly.

“I just wish I could tell her I’m sorry,” I mumbled. Fortunately Taejun understood me, even though it was most unintelligible against his now-damp shoulder.

“You might not be able to tell her directly now, but you can ask her sister to relay the message,” Taejun reassured me gently.

“Should I?” I said in surprise, looking up finally. Then immediately I looked away, embarrassed. I probably looked idiotic. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d wept like this. I’d cried a few tears when I found out that Do Hoon had stolen from me but just now I’d sobbed like a baby.

“Of course. It’ll be good for both of you.” Taejun released me as I wiggled out of his arms uncomfortably.

It was already late, so I decided to give Sunhee a call tomorrow. I’d gotten her number from Eunsoo.

“I’m going to go wash my face,” I mumbled, standing and turning away from Taejun. For some reason I didn’t want him to see me like this, even though I’d already left a pair of eye shaped wet dots on his shirt.

Washing didn’t do much to lessen the redness and telltale swelling that was starting around my eyes, but at least I felt a little bit refreshed after splashing my face with cool water. As I returned to Taejun, he glanced up.

“Feeling a little better?” he asked gently.

“A little,” I replied.

“It’ll take some time to feel all the way better again,” he said. “But I’m always here to talk to you if you need it.”

Lately, Taejun really had been. He’d always done his best to make time for me and to understand my point of view. He’d been a good older brother to me, and tonight he’d really fulfilled his brotherly duty.

“Thanks, hyung,” I said. “You’re a good therapist.”

“I have some experience with it. Come here, brat,” he replied, holding out his arms again for another hug. I didn’t much like being called a brat after how I had been childishly crying earlier. Even though I didn’t really want another hug, I decided I’d pay him back a little.

“Aish!!! Ssi-bal! That hurts, let go, you little jerk!”