Chapter 42

I felt like a mouse trapped in a cage with a cat inside the car. But Taejun didn’t say anything.

By the time we got home, my trepidation had become unbearable. As he was typing in the door passcode, I asked him:

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Taejun didn’t look at me. He opened the door. “Do I need to?” he asked. His voice was surprisingly level. I couldn’t tell what emotion he was feeling.

Guilt, heavy like an iron ball and chain, slammed onto me. “I’m sorry,” I said.

Finally he looked at me. “I’m working early tomorrow,” Taejun said. “And I might not be back tomorrow night. If the police call for a follow-up report, ask them to wait and call me first.” Then he went straight to his bedroom door. I felt terrible for cutting further into the few hours he had had to sleep. Taejun paused right before he went inside.

“Jaehyun.” I stood at attention. He gave me a look heavy with tired disappointment. “Never again, Jaehyun.”

“I don’t ever want to have to pick you up at a police station ever again.”

He shut the door before I could even promise not to.

Despite my resolution to wake up early the next day to at least make my brother breakfast as a peace offering and a thank you for helping me last night, he was gone before I woke up. I peeked into the kitchen. Usually the sound and smell of the coffee machine would wake me on the rare occasions Taejun woke up before me, but it hadn’t today. The mug on the drying rack was dry to the touch.

I’m pretty sure he had left without even having a coffee. Hopefully that meant he was going to get something to eat at work or on the way there.

I checked my phone for messages.

There were a slew of them from Eunsoo. Long after I had left he had continued to ask where I was in various forms that gradually devolved into incomprehensible gibberish. I shook my head.

Seolhee had also texted me. Renewed irritation washed over me. I resisted the urge to lash out at something (most likely my hapless phone) and opened her message to see what she had to say for herself.

[ osrry ]

It wasn’t even spelled right. I closed my eyes and leaned back. I took a few deep breaths.

This is Seolhee, I thought to myself. I knew what kind of person she was. I had never expected this relationship to be serious or go anywhere other than just having a bit of fun. Lately it hadn’t been very fun, so there was probably no point in continuing going on as we were.

I texted her.

[ I’m done Seolhee ]

[ let’s end it here ]

I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders as I opened my laptop to do some work.

The moment she woke up, Seolhee called me. She was crying and begging for forgiveness, but without Seolhee physically clinging to me, I could resist her teary-eyed charms much more effectively. I felt icily cold as I replied to her sobs without an ounce of sympathy. If I comforted her even a little, I knew she would completely steamroll over my resolve.

“I didn’t even know who he was,” Seolhee protested. “I don’t even know his name.”

“That… that doesn’t make it better,” I replied dumbfoundedly. “If anything, that’s even worse.”

“I’m sorry. Please, Jae,” she said, teary-eyed over the phone. “I’m sorry. I was drunk, out of my mind… I didn’t… I didn’t know what I was doing–”

“It’s not just that, Seolhee-ya. This whole affair… It’s just been tiring for me, lately,” I said into the phone.

“B-but… I thought– I thought it was a good–”

“It was. It was good in the beginning.” I was sad too, remembering how everything seemed like it could have changed. “But this, what you did last night… that’s just something I know you’ll do to me over and over. You know this, I know this. That’s just how you are.”

“I thought you liked me for who I am,” she said. The agony in her voice almost broke me then. I wasn’t any different from the packs of guys who lusted after Seolhee. I’d been just as entranced by her sexuality. It was the basis of my initial attraction. Sure, later, I wanted to know her for more than her outward appearance, but the more I learned, the less I liked.

“I wanted to get to know you, Seolhee,” I said sadly. “But I don’t, and I can’t… I can’t love every part of you like I thought I could.”

She broke into a sob, and for some minutes neither of us spoke. Seolhee just cried and cried, and I had nothing to say to her.

But ultimately my need to comfort her overtook my resolution to stay cold and unyielding.

“It didn’t work out this time,” I said gently. “But maybe in the future you’ll find someone else.” Surely somewhere out there, there was a guy who could match Seolhee’s reckless, devil-may-care energy. That wasn’t me anymore.

“I won’t,” she said stubbornly. “Can we… can we not do this over the phone? Please, let’s meet up to talk…”

I felt certain that if I did meet up with her she would find some way to beguile me into forgiving her or something.

“No. Not today. At least not for a long while, Seolhee,” I said.

“Please, Jae-ya. Please.”

I didn’t say anything in return.

“Please. Jae… I love you,” Seolhee wept.

We’d not said that to each other yet. The infatuated Jae of a few months ago would have been overjoyed to hear her say it, but I was no longer so idiotically spellbound to her physical charms. I knew how manipulative she was now. She could say anything without meaning it. The realization made me empty and sad.

“Goodbye Seolhee.”

I felt terribly harsh and cruel as I hung up on her.

Despite me being the one to break up with her, it was difficult for me to do anything else that day except mope. I spent hours laying on the sofa (that didn’t belong to Taejun) staring upwards at the ceiling, drowning in my thoughts.

I felt painfully lonely. I’d mostly pursued Seolhee after leaving the Tigers just to have some semblance of a friendship, of a social life. We hadn’t had much in common, and past the initial excitement of a new relationship, it just became forced.

Even though I had told her that I enjoyed getting to know her, the parts of her that I did love to see seemed to only play a secondary part to the part of her I knew before. Ultimately that clever, playful side to her always devolved into an impulsive recklessness when she was ‘bored’.

I didn’t know if I had been good for her, but she hadn’t been good for me. She had wanted me to be someone I couldn’t be anymore. And last night, I’d let her pull me back into that person, and I’d paid a heavy price. The slash on my arm throbbed dully with big movements, and Taejun’s disappointment had been immediate and extreme.

He was probably out doing something legitimately dangerous and important. I didn’t even know what. I didn’t know when he’d come back, or if he would come back safely at all. He wasn’t replying to any of my texts.

I checked my phone again and frowned. Seolhee had texted me again. I almost wanted to ignore it, but the message was a long one. A chill of apprehension ran through me.

[ I just wanted to say I’m sorry one last time. I know I hurt you. But I hope you can believe me when I say I never meant to. Sometimes I just lose myself entirely and all I want to do is drown out my shame and the pain of remembering. So I take stupid things and I do stupid things. I know that the person I am then is a shit person, someone that can only be used and not loved. But even then when I was lost in that haze, you tried. You were the first person who ever tried to know me for more than that. I thought I could become a better person with you. I thought I could become myself again with you. But I couldn’t. Now I know I never can. I can’t fight anymore. I love you, Jae. I really did love you. ]

[ Goodbye ]

My throat tightened. I never knew… I’d always thought Seolhee was shallow, but that was because she kept herself looking that way.

Panic rose in me as I read the text over and over again. This seemed like more than a farewell text, especially the last few sentences.

Now I know I never can.

I can’t fight anymore.

I had a feeling Seolhee was about to do something horrific.

She didn’t answer my text. She didn’t answer my phone. She didn’t answer her doorbell either.

I tried to call one last time before I tried the door. The call went straight to voicemail. Either she had blocked my number, or her phone was off. Even though the signs were stacking up, I prayed futilely that she had just blocked me and was just out drinking and partying and doing usual Seolhee things to take her mind off things.

But I had to be sure. I knocked hard on the door and called her name.

“Seolhee? Are you there?”

There was no reply. After going to her house so many times, I knew the passcode to her apartment. I steeled myself. I’m just checking in on her, I thought to myself. If she wasn’t home, I’d just leave.

Before I could lose my resolve, I typed in the passcode and let myself in.

“Seolhee?” I called.

Still no reply.

I couldn’t tell from the entryway if she was in or not. Fear, worse than that I had felt during my fight with the random guy last night, was swallowing me. I checked her bedroom. Nothing.

The bathroom door was closed.

I knocked. My skin felt painful with how tightly it was prickled. “Seolhee?” I called again. Again only oppressive, ominous silence answered me.

I opened the door and she was there.

“Seolhee!” I don’t know why I had screamed her name when she hadn’t answered me all the previous times. But it was the only first thing that tore through my lips when I found her like that, sprawled on the floor, surrounded with– was that a needle? What was that? What was all this stuff?! – I didn’t know. I didn’t know.

I took her in my arms and she flopped like a rag doll. I saw how blue her lips and fingers were. Sheer horror and terror washed over me. “Please, Seolhee,” I groaned. I tried to feel if she had a pulse but I was shaking like a leaf, and I couldn’t hold my fingers steady and I couldn’t– I couldn’t feel anything.

What do I do? What was I supposed to do?! My hand fumbled my phone out and I dialed. No! Not Taejun, I thought in horror. He was NIS, and this was clearly a drug overdose. I didn’t know if he would have to report this and he couldn’t afford to be entangled in a drug case and I couldn’t–

I scrolled through my contacts, looking for someone, anyone that could help.

“Ayo, Jae?! I can’t believe–”

“What the hell do I do? Seolhee’s– S-s-s-eol? I don’t know? I don’t–” I stuttered into the phone. I could barely keep it in my hand. I could barely speak. I’d never felt panic or fear like this before.

“Ho-ho-HOLD up,” Eunsoo broke in over my broken rambling over the phone. “Calm the hell down. What’s going on?”

“Seolhee…” I gulped in air to try to calm my panic. I still had one arm wrapped around her seemingly lifeless form, and she was laying there, just laying there– I closed my eyes. Be calm. Be rational. “I think– I think Seolhee’s overdosed.”

I couldn’t see, but I could feel his shock. For one long moment, almost too long, he didn’t say anything. Then he started rambling as well. “What the fuck? Why– how?? Are you with her?”

“Yes,” I managed to say. “I’m with her and she’s not responding and there’s fucking stuff everywhere–”

“Why are you calling me?!” Eunsoo cried.

“I don’t know!” I yelled back. I’d only called him because he was the only person I knew who did any sort of drug stuff too. “I don’t know what to do!”

“Call emergency! Fuckin– I don’t know either?!” Eunsoo blustered.

“I can’t,” I said. His panic was making my panic just as bad.

“The hell you mean you can’t?”

“My brother works for the damn NIS?! He’s working hard for a thing and he can’t– I can’t – he can’t be involved in a drug thing and–” I rambled idiotically. There weren’t any sort of protections of leniencies for being involved in a drug case. Calling emergency services would lead to an investigation afterwards and it was stupid but the only thing I could hear at the moment was Taejun telling me:

I never want to have to pick you up at a police station ever again.

“I can’t– You want me to call?!” Eunsoo stuttered. “I can’t– I can’t either?!” That’s right. Eunsoo’s list of drug offenses was probably miles long. What the hell were we supposed to do then?!

“Stop panicking!” I heard someone say muffled-ly on Eunsoo’s end. “Bakayaro! Call her sister, you idiot!”

“Is that– is that Ryu?” I asked. I don’t know why I asked. Eunsoo didn’t have many other Japanese speaking acquaintances that were perpetually near him.

“Yeah, he’s here–”

“Give me the phone,” Ryu commanded. A moment later his voice came through more clearly. Though he was usually the jumpiest out of all us, he seemed to be the most composed at the moment. “Eunsoo’s calling Sunhee on my phone. She’ll be there soon,” he promised.

“Thank- Thank you,” I gasped. “Ryu– I– what should I do? I need to leave–”

“Calm down,” he told me. “Don’t go anywhere. You have to stay with her until Sunhee comes.”

I nodded.

“Did you hear me?” Ryu demanded.

I suddenly remembered he couldn't hear nods. “Yes,” I said. I held Seolhee a little tighter.

“Tell me what’s going on. Were you with her when she overdosed?” he asked.

“No. She sent me a text and I found her and I think… I think she overdosed? On– on— I don’t know what on–”

“I know,” Ryu said patiently. “But tell me what she looks like. Is she conscious. Is she responding to anything. That sort of stuff.”

The calmness in his voice was definitely more soothing than Eunsoo’s erratic responses of before. I could hear Eunsoo in the background, still rambling incoherently.

“Eunsoo,” Ryu warned. Eunsoo’s voice faded.

I took a few deep breaths to steady myself. “She’s not conscious. She’s not responding. Her lips are– they’re blue, she looks dead, I can’t feel a pulse, and I don’t know if she’s breathing–”

“Lick your hand –wet it– and hold it to her nose.”

Obediently I did so. I couldn’t see her chest rising and falling as I should have been but I could feel a faint coolness on my wet hand as she breathed in and out shallowly.

“She’s breathing,” I gasped. Seolhee was still alive. There was still a chance. “How do you know what to do?!”

“That’s not important right now,” Ryu told me firmly. He continued. “She usually does two things. It doesn’t sound like a cocaine overdose. It might be heroin. Keep trying to get her awake. Sunhee lives close by, and she just called emergency services, so it should only be for a few minutes.”

“Stay on the phone with me,” I begged suddenly. Even though Ryu and I were supposedly no longer friends, I didn’t know if I could survive the next few minutes without him calmly telling me what to do.

“... Ok.”

The next few minutes felt like an hour. Ryusuke advised me to carefully move her to the front room so EMS could get to her quicker. Either that or it was for my own benefit. I felt a lot calmer not being surrounded by evidence of Seolhee’s overdose. With her laying on the couch like this, it looked less horrifying. Now she just looked like she was taking a nap.

Finally Sunhee burst through the door. “Oh my god,” she cried, upon seeing her sister. Immediately tears started flowing down her face. Sunhee rushed over. Like me, she tried to shake her awake and called Seolhee’s name over and over.

“Sunhee’s here,” I told Ryu.

“Ok,” he replied.

I turned to Sunhee. She had her sister in her arms and was rocking her back and forth.

“Jaehyun-ya. Thank you for finding her,” Sunhee wept. “But if you need to get out of here, you have to go. EMS will be arriving any time now.”

I nodded. As I left, I felt just as strange and wrong as I did the first time I ever left Seolhee’s place. But I knew I couldn’t get involved (and by extension, get Taejun involved) in a drug case. As I exited the lobby, I ran into the EMTs Sunhee had called. I hoped they had gotten there in time.

My phone said something from my pocket. I realized I had never hung up, and Ryu was still on the line. I grabbed it and pressed it to my ear.

“Sorry– sorry, I forgot to hang up. The EMTs are here,” I told him.

“That’s good,” Ryusuke sounded relieved. “Alright. I’ll hang up then.”

I felt grateful that he had stayed on the line even though I’d gone silent until he got the confirmation that emergency services had arrived. “Ryusuke… thank you,” I said.

“Of course,” he said in surprise. “She’s my friend too.”

Eunsoo often expressed how begrudging Ryu could be. But in the most dire situation, he had willingly taken control of the situation and helped both of us out, despite not being on the best of terms with either Seolhee or I.

“Thank you for your help,” I said again, more earnestly this time. “And… I’m sorry.”

I’m not sure if he knew exactly what I was apologizing for. To be honest, I didn’t even fully understand either. He hesitated for a moment.

“It’s ok,” he replied.