Chapter 21

We ended up getting kicked out of the club after someone reported us to the bouncers. Even that wasn’t enough to kill the now painful desire I had for Lee Seol-hee. Though Seol-hee supposedly lived close by, being interrupted so many times frustrated me beyond belief. We’d barely made it into her apartment before I pinned her against the door and finally, finally, got to act on what had been awoken in me on the dance floor. It was awkward, but the sounds Seol-hee made and the way her legs wrapped around my waist delighted the ravenous beast-like hunger within me. And yet it still wasn’t enough.

My forehead pressed against Seol-hee’s shoulder as we sat collapsed on the floor and I could hear her heartbeat racing against mine. I could already feel that insatiable hunger returning, even as we were trying to catch our breath.

Seol-hee’s hands were tangled in my hair and she turned to kiss it. “I love repressed guys like you,” she teased. “You always get so wild when you finally let yourself go.”

“I’m not repressed,” I grumbled. I nipped that slender neck of hers I loved so much. She tasted sweet somehow, with the salty hint of sweat.

“Yeah, you are,” she said playfully.

“Am not.”

“Yeah!”

I had to kiss her to shut her up.

Sometime later we had finally made our way to the bed, and we were both spent at last. We laid next to each other, staring up into the ceiling together as if it were made of stars. Despite having laid there for some time already, I could still feel my heart pounding in my ears. I felt awake and aware of everything around me.

Even if I had temporarily had my fill of Seol-hee, I desperately yearned to get closer to her emotionally, not just physically.

“Why do you hate your sister? Just because of Sungmin?” I asked. I wanted to understand Seol-hee. I wanted her to know I wanted all of her, even the thoughts and emotions she kept inside.

“That’s probably the main part,” she replied. She sounded like she was mentally far away, and spoke unrestrainedly. “She’s always acted better than me, and she was the perfect little pet. She always tested into better schools, and my parents doted on her. To get back at her, I always stole the boys she liked. That was always easy. But I couldn’t get Sungmin.”

“So maybe I didn’t love Sungmin. Maybe I just wanted him because my sister did.”

“That’s a bit fucked up,” I said carelessly. Luckily Seol-hee laughed, so I did too.

After a while she continued, still in a spaced out voice. “But sometimes I don’t know if I really hate her. She’s my sister, after all. We just fight a lot, like any other siblings. It’s not like she murdered our parents or whatever.”

I didn’t say anything. I heard the bedsheets rustle as Seol-hee turned to look at me. “But you really seem to hate your brother,” she murmured.

“I don’t hate him,” I said, confused.

Seol-hee laughed. “Sure.”

“I just don’t want to see him right now,” I muttered. The dark ceiling was starting to feel ominous so I also turned my head to look at Seol-hee. I could see that her makeup was smudged from sweat and probably also me, but under it she was still beautiful. Her dark, round pupils made her eyes look so doelike and innocent.

“Why not?”

“He left first.” Before I knew it, I had told Seol-hee about how Taejun had left for university as soon as he could, and broke off contact. I even told her how he had changed his phone number on me, then lied about it.

“And now he’s some bigshot in Seoul. When I moved back with him he thought everything was forgiven and that he could control my life, even though he spent so many years not caring,” I finished.

Seol-hee smiled. She reached out to touch my hair again, and again, I shifted towards her like an eager pup. “But now it’s your turn to make your break and live your life,” she murmured.

Her words settled uncomfortably inside me. Is that what I was doing? Was I breaking off from my family to selfishly pursue my own life? I had just wanted an escape from it all. The pressure. The constant fights. The debt.

Seol-hee’s hand in my hair reminded me of the image of my brother I had seen in the hairdresser’s mirror, and I jerked backwards away from her. She looked at me with dazed confusion.

I returned my gaze to the ceiling. It seemed to pulse towards me with the same beat of my heart. You tried to hide your family from your friends, it accused. Just like Taejun did at university. Except he succeeded. You even failed that.

“That was different,” I said to it. I didn’t want to be judged and thrown out before I could make my impression because of the shitty past I had lived.

Isn’t that what he wanted? The ceiling mocked me. I felt a sharp chill run through me, making every hair stand on end.

He chose to hide from us. He didn’t even contact any of us for years! I shouted.

“Jae?” Seol-hee asked in alarmed concern. So I had spoke aloud after all. I jerked up into a sitting position. My heart’s throbbing seemed to reverberate through my whole body painfully. I clutched my hair, my idiotic hair. It was nothing but an imitation.

You’re the imitation. Even though I wasn’t looking at the ceiling anymore, the revelations kept pursuing me, hurting me with their accusations.

“He even changed his number,” I choked.

“I know. You told me,” Seol-hee said. She was shaking me slightly. “Jae, calm down. Lay down again,” she urged.

“He had no reason to hide from me,” I rambled, ignoring her pleas.

“There must have been.” The next accusation came from Seol-hee herself. “What’s your reason for hiding from him?”

l pitched out of her bed, breaking free of Seol-hee’s hands. I began to throw my clothes on. I couldn’t find my shirt in the room, but I vaguely remember taking it off in the hallway.

“Jae, what are you doing? Are you going somewhere?” The concern in her voice cut me like a knife.

“I’m not like my hyung. I won’t be,” I raved. I stumbled out of her apartment, and even had the presence of mind to retrieve my shirt along the way.

I don’t know how I managed to find my way back to the Tigers' garage, but I did. The sleepiness of being drunk had completely disappeared, and now I only just felt that expanded awareness from before. Was it the pills Eunsoo had given me? I had no time to answer that.

In my rush I mistyped the code three times before I could get the garage open. But that hadn’t interrupted my resolve at all. I still had the six million and some in the folder from LC tucked into the glove compartment of the Eclipse. I fumbled the keys of the Eclipse until it beeped to let me in. I scrambled into the driver’s seat.

Are you sure you can drive in this state? Someone asked.

“YES,” I yelled back. The Eclipse growled in agreement, eager to finally run after so long sitting in quietness. The tires squealed with glee as we shot out of the garage and into the empty streets outside.

Time seemed to fly past while we were in the car. I felt like I had just started driving, yet the Eclipse and I were already at Do Hoon’s shop/home. I was panting as though I had run the whole way there rather than driving. I didn’t hesitate as I steered it up onto his lot and turned off the Eclipse. It settled down placidly as I made a frantic retreat out of it with my folder. I left the key on the driver’s seat. “Goodbye,” I told it.

It watched me run off, leaving it behind for the last time.

Despite my mental determination, my body couldn’t keep up, and on my way to the hospital, I had to stop to catch my breath. My heart had been pounding for what seemed like hours now, and I felt distant from my own weakening body, like I was floating away from this plane.

No time for that. I forced myself to continue, at least at a walking pace if not running. There were no buses on at this time (though I doubted they would have let me on in my crazed state anyways), and it was a long trek to the hospital from Do Hoon’s shop.

Even pacing myself, I was exhausted and weak by the time I arrived. The receptionist at the payment counter watched me stumble up to her in alarm. The hospital was open around the clock, but she probably didn’t get many whackos running up to her determined to pay bills at ungodly hours of the night like me.

“Can I help you?” she stuttered. Her hand hovered over her phone.

“I want to settle a bill. For Baek Sung,” I demanded. I spat out his information.

Fortunately, the receptionist decided to humor me instead of immediately calling security on me. Funny how money works. She paused after she pulled up the information.

“It’s been settled,” she said finally. “It’s been fully paid off.”

I stared at her. “That’s impossible.” My father should have been discharged by now but there was no way they had paid it off. They had to at least be on a payment plan.

“It is,” she insisted. “On the day he was discharged, it was paid in full. The account name is under Baek Taejun-ssi?”

My brother’s name, said aloud, suddenly sparked a rage in me. “That bastard!” I hissed.

The receptionist’s humoring of me had stopped. She picked up the phone, probably to call someone to escort me away. She looked at me in fright. “Sir… do you need help? Are you high on something?”

My answer to that was to leave before they could catch me.

I don’t know what drove me on for the rest of that night, but I remember stopping in a public restroom to look at myself in the mirror. I tried to banish the image of my brother from the mirror. I leaned in, trying to find the features that were mine, and mine alone. I was fascinated by the round darkness of my dilated pupils, and for a long time, I looked into them, trying to see into myself.

I must have been mad, but the morning found me slumped outside the Seven Directions gang’s office. I must have slept there, because I was awakened by a foot nudging me, none too gently.

“You’ve got to be shitting me! It’s this asshole again,” a voice snarled. I struggled to my feet, still somewhat dazed from my wild night. At least my heart seemed to have finally settled, even though my head still felt light. The person who spoke was Han Jungho’s favorite thug, who now carried his arm in a sling.

He immediately seized me by the collar, but I just stared unfeelingly into his furious glare. “You got a death wish, gutter trash?”

“Let him go.” That deep, rumbling voice could only belong to Han Jungho himself. The thug gave me a final scalding look and let me go.

I stepped towards Han Jungho, somehow completely fearlessly.

“Han Jungho-ssi,” I greeted him calmly as my head spun.

He nodded dismissively at me and waited to see what I would say next.

“Put the contract in my name. I’ll pay the debt.”