I spend the rest of the day crying and my mother gives me space.

I want to call Leah.

I never want to talk to anyone again.

It feels like my dad just died. It feels like I'm an orphan.

Everything hurts. It's like my heart would be inflamed. I have to think of Caden.

If I could exchange this heart, I would. In the blink of an eye.

It's already dark outside when my mom returns to my room. She's carrying a plate with sandwiches and a glass of coke.

She doesn't know my favorite comfort food are pancakes. Only my dad knows that.

And Leah, I guess.

„Can I sit for a moment?“ she asks.

I shrug, not getting up. She sits down on the bed, setting the plate on the nightstand. One cool hand rests on my calf.

„I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to have to carry that weight. But I can't stand the way you're looking at me. I don't want to take his blame too.“

Another tear rolls down my cheek. She wipes it away.

„Honey, it doesn't change who he is.“

„It changes everything,“ I say.

I know that she understands what I mean.

„Not for you. He loves you. He always has.“

„He loves you too.“

„He'd have never lain hands on me if he wouldn't have been wasted.“

„But he's always wasted.“

My mom swallows. Her hand is stroking my calf.

„How many times?“ I ask her.

„Only that once. I promise, Dee.“

Some more tears are hanging on my lashes. I don't know where they all come from.

„I don't think he's inherently bad. I was horrible to him. I admit that. And he is sick.“

Her hand doesn't leave my leg. „I don't want to take you from him. You're everything to him.“

Another sob escapes my throat. „How can I love him when he hurt you?“

Everything is wrong.

„Because it doesn't make everything else a lie.“

„It does,“ I say because it's true.

I take a week before I can visit my dad again.

When I come into the room, his eyes find me immediately.

„Delilah,“ he says and everything in me cracks open.

His voice is hoarse and it sounds like speaking hurts him.

I want to run out of the room.

I think he knows. Maybe he can tell by the look on my face. Or maybe he assumed my mom would tell me.

„I'm so sorry,“ he says and then we both cry.

I don't take his hand. I don't say anything.

But I don't leave.

My mom introduces me to her new boyfriend on my third week in Boston.

He seems like a nice guy. A little boring, for my taste.

But it's clear that she likes him more than she ever liked my dad.

When the fourth week begins, I visit my dad again.

The splint around his neck is gone and they're allowing him to eat liquid food again.

He looks completely broken.

This is the man who carried me on his shoulders when I was little, the man who set up my first desk and picked out every single one of my tennis rackets with me.

It's my dad.

But now, I hardly recognize him.

„I understand if you never want to talk to me again,“ he says.

It's difficult to understand him. Partly because his voice is still so hoarse, partly because the brain damage makes him slur his words.

„I haven't decided yet,“ I say and sit down on a chair.

He nods. „How are you?“

I shake my head. „I'm not talking about me today.“

He nods again. His hands are shaking. „I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say.“

„I don't think there is anything you can say.“

We're silent together and strangely, I don't even have the urge to cry. I simply feel... done.

„I'm going to a clinic,“ he says.

„Good.“

He won't get any credit from me until he really changes something.

„If you ever need anything, I'm here. No matter if you want to see me again or not.“

It takes him five solid minutes to croak that out, but he manages and my heart clenches.

„I need time, Dad.“

His eyes fill with tears and he nods. „As much as you need, dear.“

And there it is again, the urge to cry.

I love this man. He's my dad.

But I don't think I can ever forgive him for what he's done.

Just like I can't forgive my mom.

I've never felt this alone before.

„You know what I've always wondered?“

I glance at him, then away again.

„How we managed to make such a good person.“ His eyes are still watery.

„I'm not a good person.“

I'm on the best way to become just as fucked up as the two of them are.

„You are.“

I'm exhausting him. I should probably go.

„Delilah, please... know that you deserve the best. Better than me. And better than your mom.“

I'm crying again. I can't help it.

„Why, Dad?“ It's like I'm a little girl again. „Why did you do it?“

He's crying too and I'm sure it must hurt like hell.

„I don't know. When I drink... I get so angry. I can't control myself. It's my fault. If I can't control myself when I drink, I shouldn't be drinking in the first place.“

I look at him and remember that he tried to kill himself.

He hates himself so much for what he's done, he couldn't bear living with it.

And yet I'm not sure it's something I can forgive.

But maybe I don't have to forgive it to love him.

Honestly, I don't think I have much of a choice in that matter. I love him anyway.

And hate him at the same time.

„I love you, Delilah,“ he says and I believe him.

„I have to go.“

He nods. He understands.

„I won't call you if you don't want me to. But I really, really want to hear from you.“

I can't make promises. I don't know how I'll feel a few weeks from now.

„I don't know yet.“

He gives me a smile, cheeks still wet. „Be safe, dear.“

I smile at him and nod and then I leave his room, barely breathing.

Leah

When Delilah gets back this time, it doesn't feel like seeing a ghost.

It hurts, but somehow differently.

„I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I'm asking you for it anyway,“ she says.

She's leaning against the door to my apartment, apparently having waited for me here.

„You just disappeared for a month,“ I tell her.

„I know.“

„I'm not sure I want to hear any explainations.“

„I get it.“

We look at each other.

She looks so tired, so sad. I don't know what happened, but I know that she didn't leave me just because of a whim.

I'm just not sure it matters.

„A relationship doesn't work like that, Delilah. Not with me.“

She nods. „Yes. I'm sorry.“

„How often are you going to say that?“

„As often as I fuck up.“

I sigh. „Do you want to come in?“

What Delilah tells me makes me forget all my anger.

I hold her as she cries and pet her hair and hate her parents. I always thought that it doesn't really get any worse than what I've got dealt in terms of parents. But I have to admit, Delilah's come very, very close.

„Did he ever hurt you?“ I ask her, stroking her arm.

„No. Never. That's why...“

She can't talk. A sob interrupts her.

I think I get it.

Hating my father that I haven't seen in twenty-two years is easy. Hating Caden's father that was an asshole to all of us at least eighty percent of the time was easy, too.

I don't know what it must be like to love someone dearly, to trust them, and then be betrayed like that. I understand she doesn't know what to make of it. I wouldn't either.

„I just... I want to forgive him. Yet the last thing I want is to forgive him. It feels like... this is something I just can't do if I call myself strong. I mean, what woman forgives a man for physically hurting her? Only the weak ones.“

„But he didn't hurt you,“ I say softly.

„But my mother. That's basically the same.“

„Not quite.“

We're silent. I think she's listening to my heartbeat.

„Give yourself time,“ I say finally. „And stop thinking about it so... black or white.“

Delilah gives me a surprised look.

I crook a smile. „I know, sounds weird coming from me. But every situation is different. Your father isn't Caden's. Or mine. And no one is only bad. Or only good.“

„Yes, but there are things that are unforgivable.“

„Yeah. But only we decide what those are.“

„So you say I should forgive him?“

„No. I say you should wait and see and think about it. And if you want to forgive him, if you feel like he deserves it, then it's okay if you do. And it would also be okay to not forgive him, but keep on loving him anyway.“

She wraps her arms around me and cries into my shirt.

We stay like that for a long time.

„Where's Caden?“ Delilah asks, lifting her head.

„With Moon.“

„His girlfriend.“

„Yeah.“

„What is she like?“

I tell her a little about her and then we're silent again.

„What about us?“ Delilah finally asks, her voice small.

I don't look at her, my fingers running over the sofa cushions.

„I don't know.“

She doesn't promise me she'll never disappear again. I think she knows that words mean nothing at this point.

But will I really tell her it's over for good after she just told me her story? Finally?

„Maybe let's just... wait and see, yeah?“

Delilah nods slowly.

„I love you, Leah,“ she says and it makes my heart stop.

Gracefully, her face swollen from tears, she gets up. „I'll be busy looking for a job, but for you, I can always make time.“

I nod.

„Thank you,“ she says, genuinely.

„Always,“ I say, knowing the dangerous implications of that word very well.

She almost smiles at me.

Then she's gone.

Two weeks later, after doing a lot of thinking, I find myself in the hospital once again.

For Caden.

When they called me, I almost fainted.

But for once, it doesn't have to do anything with his heart.

Or maybe it does. Just in another way than usually.

I storm into the hallway where he and Moon are sitting, both patched up and battered. Caden has a blue eye and one of his arms is in a sling.

„Hey.“ His voice sounds very small.

„You got to be fucking kidding me.“ I'm so mad, I don't even know where all of my anger is coming from. It's probably just fear, but I can't channel it as such. It comes out as ugly, white-hot fury.

„It was my fault,“ Moon says, but I ignore her.

„You're in no fucking condition to play the fucking hero, Caden!“

„I wasn't playing hero,“ he yells back.

„Yes you were! Her shit isn't yours!“

For one moment, I think he'll hit me.

Caden has never touched me. Not once since he's older than thirteen, which was the age when he pushed me against the fridge and realized that I couldn't push back. That he could pin me there if he wanted to.

Since then, he made a point to be the opposite of his father.

But in that moment, I think he'll hit me.

„She was assaulted by assholes, Leah,“ he says instead, voice like gravel.

I know I'm being insufferable, that I'm not thinking straight. But I can't stop myself. Something inside of me is unleashed, something I have no control over.

„You're not dating a black trans girl, Caden. I'm not picking you up from the hospital again.“

Out of the corner of my eyes, I register Moon's expression. It's destroyed.

Caden becomes very calm.

„Leave,“ he says.

„I'm taking you home.“

„No.“ He's still eerily calm.

„Caden -“

„You're not taking me home. I'm not coming home. Leave.“

I don't want to, but something in his gaze tells me that there is no choice.

So I leave, unable to breathe.

Caden moves out a week later and there is nothing I can do to stop him. He moves in with Alex, which consoles me just a little, but I still have a panic attack the first night he's gone.

The next day, I don't call May.

Not Finn and not Delilah either.

I call my mom.

„I shouldn't have said that.“ My voice and hands are shaking.

My mother listens attentively, never interrupting me. It's a skill she had to acquire. She wasn't able to just listen when I was a kid.

But now she is, only humming sometimes to signal I've been heard.

„It's not that I have anything against Moon, I just... I'm so worried about him. Still. All the time.“

„I know, honey.“

That's when she hugs me and I start crying.

I haven't cried in front of my mom in ages.

„I understand,“ she says, stroking my back.

„Am I bad for him?“

It's what I've been wondering for months now, but couldn't admit.

My mom pauses. „No. But I think you have to let him go. Just a little. He needs to spread his own wings. You can't always lend him yours.“

I roll my eyes.

„You're being cheesy,“ I say, but I know she's right.

„I'm scared,“ I admit.

„Me too,“ she says and that's all I need to hear.

A week later, Caden agrees to meet me, so I can apologize.

It's painful, having him back at the apartment and knowing he doesn't live here anymore.

„I'm sorry,“ I say.

He just keeps looking at me, but I don't know what else to say.

„You should be,“ he finally says. „What you said was hurtful, Leah. Really hurtful.“

„I know. I shouldn't have said it. It was wrong. It's just... when it comes to your safety, Caden – it makes me reckless. I don't care about anything else. Keeping you safe is the most important thing to me.“

He looks down and then finally sits.

Relieved, I scoot next to him on the sofa.

„I know that. Sometimes, it makes me sick.“ His words stab me in the gut, but I force myself to keep listening.

„Look, I know you do it because you love me. And I love you too. I want to keep you safe, too. But you can't always be there. I don't want you too. I'm nineteen. I don't need to ask permission.“

„Yes. I know that.“

„You don't act like it.“

He's right, so I don't talk back.

„I really think it's better for us not to live together.“

I don't want to show him how much that statement hurts me. But he sees it anyway. Of course he does.

Carefully, he wraps one of his long arms around me and pulls me close.

„I don't want to hurt you,“ he says.

„I know.“

I wonder why this is so hard. We both know what the other one's feeling. We understand.

„It's hard for me to accept you don't need me anymore,“ I whisper.

Only now I realize that this might be the root of it all. Of course, I'm worried about him. Your brother having such an unreliable heart will do that to you.

But maybe what really scares me, is not being needed anymore.

Caden needed me so much when we were younger. I was the one he'd come to. Always.

And now he doesn't even want to live with me.

„But I love you still. Isn't that enough?“

„It is,“ I say, even though it doesn't really feel like it.

But I know it should be. It will be.

He rests his chin on my head, like I always used to do. It makes me smile.

The good thing about the love between family members is that it takes a lot, a lot, to destroy it. I think it's the nearest we can get to unconditional love.

„Can you promise me weekly dinners?“

I know he's grinning.

„Only weekly? I was planning on raiding your kitchen every other day. Alex' kitchen is shit.“

Now I'm grinning too.

I think I'm starting to see what he's seeing. What he wants for us. For him.

„Sounds good to me. If you cook, that is.“

The first time I see Delilah again is on New Year's Eve.

May invited me and Finn to the small party Chris is hosting. He managed to get his whole boy squad to come and May says he's excited like a little kid.

I thought about whether I wanted to invite her or not for days. Maybe it would be weird, seeing her again for the first time with all my friends right there.

But then I thought that would be perfect. I want Delilah to get to know my friends. I want this to be real.

I want to see if that's what she wants too.

So the next time I see her is at Chris' house. She's early and in her purple dress and silver heels, she knocks me dead.

„Hey,“ she says, holding a very pretty bouqet of flowers.

I swallow and smile at her.

God, I missed her. I only realize now how much I really missed her.

„Are those for me?“ Delilah nods and hands me the flowers.

„I actually wanted to buy you flowers too,“ I say.

„Really?“

Her smile grows a little more confident.

„Yeah. You seem like you'd appreciate that.“

„I would.“

I smile at her and lead her inside the house. „Next time.“

I introduce her to May and Chris and we don't have much time to talk before Chris' friends are coming in and then Finn arrives and for some minutes, it's awkward. But Finn and Delilah are both such likable people (and so eager to make nice for my sake) that it's fading quickly.

The evening will probably enter my top ten of best nights ever.

There is a lot of food and a lot of alcohol and all my favorite people (minus Caden) in one place.

And there's Delilah.

When the countdown to midnight starts, I take her hand.

May is standing to my right and Delilah to my left and the champagne we had is making my head a little fuzzy.

Everyone is erupting into drunken cheers and I turn and kiss Delilah.

She smiles against my lips and wraps her arms around my neck.

„Do you want to move in with me?“ I ask her when we finally pull away.

Her eyes are huge. „What?“

„Do you want to move in with me?“

„You're drunk.“

„And honest. So do you?“

Her smile shines brighter than the firework shooting into the sky. „Sure. As soon as I have a job to pay half the rent.“

I grin widely. „Deal.“

I kiss her again. She tastes like champagne and sugar and the nightsky.

„Leah?“

„Yeah?“

„I already have a job.“

I grin against her lips. „Good.“

I'll ask her where she works now later. There is a lot of things I'll have to ask her. About her family and her career and the future.

But for right now, it feels like there are no questions left between us anymore.

Only answers.