After my highschool boyfriend broke up with me and I had time to be heartbroken and then indulge in some self-discovery, I didn't really expect to ever date a guy again. Men exhaust me and they lack the female finesse. I also don't think they're as sexy, but that's just me, I guess.

So, even after Delilah, I've been rather set on dating women.

Then I met Finn.

I met him the first day of college and he felt drawn to me instantly – must be the queer vibes. I remember him scooting on the seat next to me in our first class together, blond curls short but messy and big blue eyes way too cheerful. Finn is always like that, I quickly learned.

He struts around in highwaisted jeans and nailpolish and just smiles at everyone, with very few exceptions.

I was absolutely convinced he's gay, so when he asked me if I'd like to go out for coffee with him (in a very date-like fashion), I must have gaped at him like a complete imbecile.

„I thought you're gay,“ I blurted.

He just laughed.

„Yeah, I get that a lot. But I'm bi, actually. Or pan. I really don't see the difference, to be honest.“

It's been a long time since a guy has asked me out or shown any kind of interest in me, really. I'm not the type of girl most guys usually go for. Not to say I'm ugly, but I don't fit the type of most straight men. I'm too plain and blunt. Not necessarily pretty, not in the way those men like it.

But Finn seemed very interested.

I had to turn him down though.

„That's nice of you, but I'm not really dating right now.“

„But you're into guys?“ he wanted to make sure.

„Sometimes.“

He smiled. It was a nice smile. I'm sure a lot of boys and girls are suckers for that smile.

„Okay, well, then let me know if you start dating again.“

I nodded, still a little overwhelmed.

He winked at me – not in a creepy way. It was just sweet. „Nice.“

„Finn?“ I called after him. He turned around and looked at me with a faint smile.

„Yes?“

„We can still be friends, right?“

He grinned. „Of course we can be friends, Leah.“

And so we were. We studied together and had lunch together and sometimes talked about Drag Race (I never really got into it until Delilah insisted we'd watch it together – she's a super fan) or the best falafel in town.

Around Christmas time – or, well. More like early November. Now is Christmas time, I guess. Anway, that's when I leaned over and asked him if he'd like to have coffee with me after class.

He smiled a very bright smile and said: „Sure.“

„Hey,“ Finn greets me.

He finally switched his oversized denim jacket for a fluffy winter coat. The temperature keeps dropping.

„Hi.“ We hug and there is this brief awkwardness of two people not knowing if a kiss would be the proper greeting. But we're not really dating (I think), so no kiss it is.

„I know we said we'd go for a walk and I love walks, but it's really cold,“ Finn says and I have to agree.

New York gets cold in the winter.

„We could go to my place. If that's okay with you.“ He smiles at me and I smile back and say yes, even though I can't not think of Delilah.

We walk hand in hand to his place in Williamsburg (of course it is in Williamsburg).

„So this is where you live?“

„Me and Hayden.“

I let my gaze wander over the loft. „It's nice.“ It truly is. Open and bright and with this ratty air of a young person's home. I think I can spot smudgy wine glasses sitting in the sink.

„There he is.“ A guy a few years older than us appears in the door to what I assume must be the bathroom.

He's tall and black and seems like he might be a med student or something equally prestigious.

„Hayden, this is Leah. Leah, Hayden.“

„Hi. Are you two staying in?“

His nod is friendly, but we're clearly intruding.

„Yeah, if that's okay?“

Hayden grimaces, then nods. „I'll go to the library then.“ He starts gathering a laptop and an impressive amount of notes in a small bag.

„Have fun.“ He gives Finn a pat on the back and rushes through the door.

„He's really nice, actually,“ Finn tells me, rolling his eyes.

„Is he in med school?“

„Almost. It's law school.“

„So even worse.“

Finn grins at me and saunters over to the kitchen. „Most definitely worse. But he likes Gin Tonic and makes a mean Mousse au Chocolat, so he's got the seal of approval anyway.“

Finn makes me coffee and I stare at his back. He's so cute. He really is so cute.

I'm not being fair at all. I have to stop thinking about Delilah.

„I guess I'm a hypocrite,“ I say.

Finn throws a look over his shoulder. „Aren't we all? But why specifically?“

„Because I'm actually thinking about going to med school.“

„Oh. Wow.“

„It's crazy, I know. And insane. I don't have the money for that.“

Finn hands me a steaming cup. „I mean, I'm sure there are options. Plus as a doctor you can easily pay off your loans. But would you really want to? I mean, I'd feel so out of place.“

„Yeah, you're right.“

„Is it because of your brother?“ Finn's voice is gentle. Of course, I've told him about Caden.

„No. Not primarily.“ I take a swig from my coffee. „Didn't you say something about watching Netflix?“

Delilah

The bass is resonating behind my breastbone and the liquor running through my veins loosens my limbs.

I let my gaze wander over my theatre girls, hoping one might come dance with me.

They're all pretty drunk already. I take Jade by the hand and drag her on the dancefloor with me.

„Dee...“ she complains weakly, but I won't let her.

I love this song and dancing alone attracts too many creeps.

We're only two songs in, I'm not particularly sweaty yet, when I see her. She's with May and Chris and a boy I don't know. But it's crystal clear that this is the guy she might soon be official with.

He's cute and blond and not at all what I'd thought would be her type.

When he presses a kiss to her temple, something in my chest tilts. My whole face feels stretched and ugly.

I've never felt anything like this before.

Our eyes meet across the room and that pulls me back, almost makes me laugh.

She can say whatever she wants, talk herself into whatever she needs to believe – the way she's looking at me right now, there is no mistaking it.

I give her a slow smile and a raise of my brow before turning away. Dancing like I don't know she's watching.

„Dee!“ It's Chris who spots me, takes my hand and pulls me over to them.

Leah looks like she is about to throw up.

Good.

„Hey! What a surprise.“ I give them all my brightest smile.

The blondie returns it, so guilessly that I'd feel bad, if I was a better person. May is giving me strange looks and I guess she knows all about me. I'm trying not to let that make me uncomfortable.

The first chords of a new song make us halt, trying to find the new beat.

May groans. „Oh God, I can't listen to that anymore.“

„Same,“ her boyfriend agrees.

Blondie shrugs and smiles. „I like it.“

I hate him for it because I do too.

„Just because you're gay as fuck,“ Chris tells him.

„What does that have to do with anything?“

Leah is looking at me. I look back at her.

This is ridiculous.

I want all of the others to disappear so we can be alone. And I know that she wants that too.

So why are we still here?

Blondie turns to her and pulls her close, hands on her waist and now I have to turn away.

I turn away and close my eyes and dance.

When I open them the next time, the guy is kissing Leah and something that feels like a bright clear glass bubble inside me breaks and shatters.

I excuse myself and head to the exit.

I'm waiting to get my coat back when Leah catches up to me.

„I'm sorry,“ she says and I know she means it.

I don't look at her. „If you want him, go back.“

Her fingers close around my wrist. I pull my arm away.

„I thought you're better than me, Leah.“ With that I leave her standing there and head out into the cold air of the night.

I don't make it far though.

„Delilah, wait!“ She spins me around and there is no moment of hesitation, nothing.

She's kissing me and I'm kissing her back and this is exactly what I should have been doing since forever.

„Your boyfriend is right inside that building, darling,“ I remind her as I pull away.

Her lips are soft, softer than they look and she's always kissing me with such a desperation, it makes my knees weak.

„He's not my boyfriend,“ she says, but guilt is written over her features.

„What are we doing?“ I ask her and I can feel my own confidence fading.

„You were kissing him just minutes ago. This is fucked up,“ I tell her as if I had any right to speak.

Maybe it really is me. Maybe I'm making them that way.

Maybe I've been fooling myself all along and I really am exactly like my mom.

„I know.“ She lets go of me.

„Just come home with me,“ I say. It's dangerously close to begging.

Leah gives me a look, tiredness in her eyes. „Is that all you want? Because it's not what I want.“

„What do you want?“

She narrows her eyes at me. „I'm not making confessions anymore. I've already made enough.“

I grit my teeth and swallow thickly. I know she's right, but I can't admit it. „You're the one making out with someone else.“

„You're the one who cheated on me first.“

I turn my head. Some passerby is looking at me.

„So that's it then? You'll never forgive me?“ I try to meet her gaze without blinking.

„I think I would forgive you,“ she says, voice uncharacteristically brittle. „If I thought you were serious about this.“

„I am.“

She shakes her head. „No, you're not. I believe you that you missed me, but I don't think it's why you came back. And I don't think you really want a relationship. You're scared. I don't know why, but, honestly, as long as you're not willing to even try for me, I don't care.“

I stare at her.

How is it possible that she knows that? How can she voice things I've never admitted even to myself?

„So what are you saying?“ I ask.

Leah crosses her arms. Long strands of hair are falling into her face. „If you're not commiting, I don't want to see you again. I'm done with this shit and I don't want someone who's only ever halfway in.“

I kiss her. She lets me and for a brief moment, we're one.

Then she looks at me. I think there are tears in her eyes.

But Leah never lets those spill. Not for me, at least.

„Alright, then. I wish you the best.“ And with that, she turns and leaves me.

I want to say that I just stand there and look after her, but I don't really see anything. My vision is blurred from something liquid and salty.

I think that means I'm crying.

When I get home, my roommate isn't there. It doesn't surprise me. She hardly ever gets home before five a.m. on a Saturday night.

I walk straight into the kitchen and open the fridge. There is half a bottle of vodka stored in there. I think it's Casey's, but I couldn't care less. She's taking my stuff all the time.

I curl up on the sofa with the bottle in my lap.

The first swig burns its way into my stomach.

It's sad to think that, with all my attempts not to become like my parents, it seems like I'm achieving the exact opposite.

If Leah only knew how much we truly have in common.

„Fuck me,“ I whisper into the empty room.

My cheeks are wet again and I don't think I've ever felt this lonely before. Which says a lot.

If I'm honest, I feel lonely all the time.

I take another sip, clutching the bottle tight to my chest. Almost as if it was a baby.

I sigh and wipe at my cheeks that are probably black from mascara. Then I take another swig.

Just like my father would do.

Pathetic. I am pathetic.

My life feels like it's skidding since Justin showed up again this summer.

Or maybe that's not true. Maybe it really started when he left – and I met Leah.

But maybe that's all wrong and it was way before that – when I decided to go to that stupid party and met him.

In the end, it's impossible to pinpoint the exact moment something went wrong. Because there's always another moment that led to that moment and then one that led to this...

I think about what Leah said.

You didn't come back for me.

I wonder if it's true. I'm honestly not sure. Did I just want to get away? Or did I also want to come back?

I lift the bottle.

Leah

„Where are you going?“

I look up from my laptop and at Caden. He seems caught.

„Out?“

„With whom?“ Two words, and he's annoyed. I don't know why that is.

Caden isn't someone who's annoyed quickly. He never has been. He is the patient one out of the two of us.

And yet, he's acting like a teenager again.

I don't want to think about whether it's me, somehow.

„If you have to know... I met a girl.“

He bites his lip. I need a moment to process that.

It's not like I didn't expect it. It's just... I didn't expect it. Not really.

Caden has never had a girlfriend before. As far as I know, there has never been anything with anyone.

But he's nineteen. Of course there would be, eventually.

„Okay. So she's your girlfriend?“

He's smiling. He can't fight it. Something in my chest tightens.

„I don't know. Maybe.“ His eyes dart over my face. „Are you mad?“

„I mean, no. Who is she?“

„We met at work.“

„Jesus, go easy on the details with me.“

He looks down. „I'll introduce her to you once I'm sure. Okay?“

It's not okay. Somehow, this seems dangerous and weird and I want to get to know her immediately.

But I take a deep breath. I can't very well tell him not to date anyone.

„Alright. Have fun, then. No drinking!“

„No drinking, promise.“ He's made it halfway to the door when I think of something else.

„Never without condom!“

I don't think I've ever seen him this mortified.

„Oh my God, Leah.“

„I mean it. If you get any STDs, you could die. And – Caden, I swear to God, if you get anyone pregnant, you're leaving.“

„I'd love to,“ he snaps, face burning.

„Understood?“

„Yes! Yes, understood.“

Then he flees before I can think of any more to add.

Seeing Finn at class is awkward. More than awkward, actually. I feel horrible.

During class, we pretend like nothing happened, but I can't hear any word of what the prof is saying. My head is spinning. I'm not sure how much Finn noticed.

But in the end, it doesn't matter. I have to tell him everything.

We're silent as we leave the building, walking over the campus filled with steady streams of students. It's cold and I wish for some hot coffee. Maybe a waffle. Something sweet.

„What was that on Saturday?“ Finn has stopped, turning to me.

He's not smiling. There is a crease between his brows and he's crossed his arms.

I swallow. „I'm sorry,“ is the first thing I can think of to say.

He runs a hand through his curls. „Look, I'm okay with this being... I don't know, casual. Or going slow. But if you're seeing other people at the same time, I do want you to talk to me about that. I need to. Otherwise it feels like lying to me.“

„I know. I agree and I'm sorry.“

His features soften a little.

„Who was that girl? Your ex? Or are you... together?“

„No. None of that. We... it's complicated.“

He's smiling again. How the hell can he already be smiling again? That's not normal.

„Aren't you mad?“ I frown at him.

He shrugs. My gaze is captured by one of his trans lives matter badges.

„I mean, not really. I don't need to be monogamous. I'm cool with an open relationship. I do need communication though.“

Then he looks back at me. „But I didn't really think we're together, anyway. So I don't feel like it's my place to get all mad and worked up about this. You don't really owe me anything.“

I don't know what to make of this. He's reacting way too well... and not well enough.

I'd be pissed. If it was the other way around, I would have been pissed.

„Okay.“

„So?“ He tilts his head. „Who is she?“

I sigh deeply. „Her name is Delilah. She's... we met last summer when she was here for a program. We...“

We what? Whenever I try putting it into words, I fail.

„We became close,“ I settle for.

„As in romantically.“

„Yes.“

„Are you in love with her?“

I stare at him. When I realize he's serious, I take a deep breath and shove my hands into my pockets. Take a moment to regroup.

„You're cutting right to the chase.“

He smiles. „I like asking the important questions.“

I look at my shoes. „I was.“

„You're not anymore?“

There are students passing us, backpacks slung over shoulders, hair up into buns.

„I don't know. I do... I like her. But I don't think we're compatible.“

„Why not?“

„Because she won't commit.“

„That's a different thing though.“

I sigh, suddenly annoyed.

„It didn't work last year. She actually was a total asshole. And I'm not at all convinced she's changed.“

„But she wants you back?“

„She wants me to want her.“

Finn nods slowly. „Oh. Okay.“

„Yeah.“

We're standing in silence for a while.

„I'm sorry about Delilah,“ he finally says.

„I'm sorry for being a jerk.“

His eyes are so forgiving, it's crazy. „It's okay. Feelings are hard. But I think we should just be friends. You probably need to figure things out with Delilah first.“

Hearing him say that actually makes me sad.

Finn is such a good one. He is just such a good person.

Those are rare.

I'm almost sure he is a better person than Delilah is.

But then again, I'm also absolutely sure he's a better person than I am.

„Can I kiss you?“ I ask him.

He laughs. Then his fingers capture my face and he kisses me with cold lips.

I wouldn't say I'm an expert when it comes to kissing, but I've kissed enough people to make fair comparisons.

I like kissing Finn.

I'm not going to kid myself into thinking that I'll ever like kissing him as much as I like kissing Delilah. But I do like it.

And maybe, the intensity of my feelings for Delilah wasn't something positive at all. Maybe such an intensitiy always comes with heartbreak.

Here is this cute and intelligent and nice person that is actually interested in me – and in making me happy.

Why is there even a choice?

„You're so good,“ I say when we break apart and I'm even sadder than before.

Finn laughs again and his fingers caress my cheeks. „Thank you.“

„Would you even want to date me?“ I ask him.

He pauses. „I would, yeah. But... more in a let's-see-where-this-goes way than in a oh-my-god-this-is-otherworldly way.“

He grimaces. „I hope that wasn't mean.“

Now it's my turn to laugh. „It wasn't.“

„Okay. Good.“

We grin at each other. In that moment, if I'm truly honest, I already know. But I'm not ready yet to voice it, so I just smile at him.

„I'll see you,“ he says and waves, then disappears – probably heading to his favorite coffee shop.

I keep standing there for a little longer, lost in thoughts.

When I fumble for my phone and call May, she answers immediately.

„Are you in the mood for waffles?“