The next day, Caden is transferred to Intermediate ICU and we're allowed to visit him as much as we like – we can even stay night. Navarro says it would be good to, because Caden is now likely experiencing a lot of inner turmoil – mentally and physically, a heart transplant is challenging. To say the least.

So I spend the better part of my days in a hospital room with my baby brother, learning together with him how to take his temperature and measure his pulse and heartrate, what he should eat and how much weight he should gain and what things to avoid.

I've never been more glad for Adrian. He's there almost as much as I am, reluctant to leave Caden's side.

„My mamá's mad at me,“ he says. „For never being there. But my dad gets it. He's had a best friend too.“

Caden looks at him with curious eyes.

It's very nice to see him without a breathing machine and painkillers moderate enough to not completely cloud his brain.

„He died,“ Adrian shrugs. „OD. Papá says he had it coming.“

Caden and I exchange a short look at this.

„It's been a long time. I think they were, like – twenty-something. But I know that Papá still thinks about him.“

„What was his name?“ Caden asks.

„Richie.“

„Not Mexican?“

Adrian shakes his head.

„That's why their families didn't really liked their friendship much. But they didn't care.“

He grins, almost proud. Rules never really got along with him.

„Seems like my old man used to be cool.“

Caden frowns.

„I thought your family likes me.“

„They do. Mamá adores you. Papá thinks you're gay and considering that, he likes you well enough.“

Rolling his eyes, Caden snorts.

„Isn't that nice of him.“

The days are blurring, always the same.

When Caden experiences his first brief period of rejection, I almost have a full-blown mental breakdown, while Adrian tries to tell me that Navarro told us this would likely happen and as long as it's brief, there's nothing to worry about.

Caden gets through and for a while, we have to follow a strict hygiene routine so we won't infect him with something his body can't handle at the moment.

Delilah comes to visit every other day, mostly just joking with Caden (who, interesting enough, doesn't like her that much) and mock-flirting with Adrian (who tells me she's smoking hot).

She holds my hand and one time, we manage to find a quiet corner (getting coffee) and make out at the hospital.

„What did you want to tell me?“ I ask her, still panting.

„I'll tell you later,“ she says, kissing me once more.

It's my mother who Navarro tells first that Caden is ready to be discharged.

„He'll need a lot of attention,“ she says. „Lots of supervision and precautions and clinic-days twice a week. Maybe it would be better if he'd live with me.“

„He's coming with me. I don't trust you with all that,“ I say and Caden frowns at us.

„Isn't it my decision?“

For a brief moment, my mother and I look at each other.

„Well, honey. Where do you want to live?“ she asks him.

I hold my breath as he glances up at her. For a second, I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.

„Sorry, mom. I love you. But I'll go with Leah.“

„It's hard,“ I tell Delilah. She's sitting on my couch, hands washed and legs curled under her body.

„I mean, not that I'm complaining. But those clinic-days – they really are days. Our mother takes him on Thursdays now,“ I say.

„How long will he need to do those?“

„From now on, once a week... like about three weeks, I think. Then once a month.“

Delilah smiles at me. She's wearing eyeliner today. I trace the left wing with my eyes.

„But he's doing okay?“

„Yeah. He's alright. I mean... we had a little fight yesterday. He wants to go out.“

„Clubbing?“

„What? No. Leave the house, I mean.“

„Oh. Isn't he allowed to?“

„Well, he shouldn't. Right now, a simple cold could potentially be fatal.“

„Isn't he always going to be at higher risk for infection? I mean, he'll have to take those suppressants for the rest of his life, doesn't he?“

Delilah quickly became a semi-expert on transplants. Afterall, she's done the crash course with me.

„Yes. But now is worse. He's not fully healed and I think – I mean, they'll change the medication again.“

They keep changing it. I never really understand why exactly. Caden is fine. No second episode of rejection.

Delilah hums and I watch her.

„Delilah?“

She tilts her head.

„I was thinking... maybe we could go to the movies together. Tomorrow. Adrian will be here and Caden asked for some space, so...“

As if that'd be the reason why I'm asking her.

She lowers her gaze.

„You can pick the movie,“ I say, heart beating.

„Leah, what I wanted to tell you – please don't hate me, okay?“

Something in her voice, perhaps that faint tremble, tells me that this is going to be bad. My heartbeat is kicking.

„I already don't like this.“

Delilah glances at me and I wish she wouldn't look so guilty. I wish she wouldn't look like someone who is about to rip a heart out. Or blast it to pieces.

„What is it?“

„I'm... I didn't actually move to New York. Not permanently. I'm just here because of an exchange program. I was hoping to make some connections.“

I stare at her. My thoughts are racing, spinning.

„But... I thought you came here to become an actress.“

Delilah smiles sadly.

„Yes, that's my dream. But I'm actually still enrolled at a school in Boston. I'm here for the summer only. I'll leave at the end of August.“

I'm not sure my brain is able to process what she just told me.

„Why didn't you tell me?“

She bites her lip.

„I don't know, honestly. I just... at first, I thought you wouldn't want to get to know me if I did. And then the time was never right."

„The time was never right?“

My voice has grown louder. My heart is pounding in my ears.

„I didn't want to tell you while your brother's life was on the line,“ she says, defensive and pleading.

„Yeah, better drag it out so that it really hurts when you do.“

We stare at each other. The air between us is made entirely of stone.

„I'm sorry,“ Delilah says quietly.

„Was that fun for you? Did you enjoy playing with me?“

I can't lower my voice. What I really want to do is scream.

Defiance flickers in Delilah's gaze.

„I didn't play with you, Leah. We're not a couple. Yes, I should have told you. But it's not like I ever promised you anything.“

There is a distinct ringing in my ears.

„Get out,“ I say.

She stands up, smoothing down her shirt.

„If you don't want to see me again, I understand. But I'd like to. So let me know.“

With that, she leaves, door falling shut behind her.

When I was twelve, I told my mother she had to leave Carson for the first time.

I sat next to her on the couch and said, mom, he hurts you. That obviously means the relationship is bad. Even twelve-year-old me knew that much.

My mother, arms blue, rubbed my back and told me it wasn't possible. She couldn't leave him – he provided for us. And it wouldn't happen again.

But it always happens again, I said. My mother kissed my cheek and said it was alright. That she was fine and that he only did it when he was drunk.

What it if he hurts us?, I asked, meaning Caden and I. Swallowing hard, my mother smiled at me.

That will never happen, she said. I promise you.

She was wrong, but she didn't know that at the time.

It isn't so bad, she told me, braiding my hair. There are other women that have it way worse, sweetie.

But just because others had it worse, it didn't mean we had it good, I responded, one hand on my mother's leg.

We're fine, she said, squeezing my hand.

And I believed her.

I don't tell anyone about what Delilah told me. I tell myself it's because I don't want to worry Caden and not because I'm ashamed.

At work, I'm distracted. I think about Delilah all the time. It's coming to a point where I seriously consider sneaking some of the painkillers that Caden no longer uses.

Before I can do that though, Caden gets a fever.

„Are you in pain?“ I ask him, hand pressed against his forehead, heart fluttering.

He shakes his head.

„Just tired.“

„We have to get you to the hospital.“

It might be an infection, which would be bad, or it might be an episode of rejection, which would be horrible.

Caden is rushed to the hospital and they usher me out of the room while they're taking blood samples and performing a biopsy.

In the waiting room, I break.

And with that I mean, I call Delilah.

„Caden's in the hospital,“ I tell her.

„What happened?“

„He has a fever. They don't know why yet.“

„I'm coming,“ she says and so she does.

When I see her, it's like some chemical reaction in my brain goes crazy, some floodgates breaking down and endorphines plus some hormone that makes you weak in the knees rushing through my system.

She comes over and hugs me and I cling to her.

She asks me about Caden and I tell her there's no news yet and then she draws back a little to look into my face.

„Are you still mad at me?“

I swallow.

I don't know. All I know is...

„It doesn't matter,“ I say.

It's just an infection.

„We'll keep him here for a day or two, then I'm sure he'll be fine to go home.“

Navarro smiles at me, bear eyes twinkling. Delilah squeezes my hand.

„That's good,“ she says.

She doesn't even ask me, just comes back to my place with me.

I close the door behind us and try to deny my beating heart as I always do. When Delilah toes off her shoes and then moves in to kiss me, I pull back.

„We should probably just be friends,“ I say.

We stare at each other.

„Oh. Sure. I can be friends,“ she says, but doesn't move away.

Which, admittedly, would be difficult with how I'm holding her wrists in a dead-lock. I let go of them to grab her face, our mouths colliding.

It's a bad kiss. No finesse. Too much teeth.

But I don't care.

I push her up against the wall and she makes sounds like a fucking kitten, biting my lip.

This is probably wrong. Yet what do I know about right or wrong?

All I know is that she's here and that nothing has ever felt as good as touching her.

Her hands card through my hair, momentarily slowing us down, pushing it out of my face.

„You're gorgeous,“ she says and I pull her hands away and walk her to the couch.

She smiles at me and reaches for my face again.

„I -“

„Strip,“ I tell her and she stills for a moment. Her eyes gaze into mine, searching for something I can't name and don't want to think about.

„Whatever you want, darling.“

Delilah finds me in the kitchen making coffee, showered and dressed in plain clothes.

„Hey.“

She comes up close behind me, almost brushing my skin. The smell of my shampoo on her hair makes the cup in my hand tremble.

„Since you didn't want to join me,“ (she means the shower – she asked me to shower with her) „I used your razor,“ she says.

I just shrug and lift the cup to my mouth, not drinking.

„So we'll be friends on instagram?“ I ask.

Delilah leans with her hip against the counter and tilts her head.

„What do you mean?“

„When you're gone. Will we be friends on instagram that say happy birthday twice a year?“

Delilah plucks the cup from my hand and loosley wraps her arms around my neck.

„You're overthinking, Leah. We'll see what we'll be when the time comes. But right now, we're not friends on instagram, are we?“

She rubs her nose against mine and part of me wants to fall to the floor. Kneel down and confess to her that I feel like I can't live without her, that I don't want her to leave – that I'd do anything to make her stay.

But this is not how the world works.

We're living in the twenty-first century – most of the time, all you'll get is an Imagine Us. We're not waiting for each other anymore.

And wasn't I the one always saying that's a blessing?

„How is your brother?“ Anne asks me as I enter the salon, sporting some obvious love bites.

„He's home again.“

The infection was a minor setback, but overall, Navarro said we're doing great. I want to believe him so badly, it hurts.

The work day passes by rather quickly, even though I'm plagued by thoughts of Delilah I probably shouldn't have anymore.

Like that long-distance relationships are a thing. Boston isn't that far. We could see each other every month if we wanted to.

„Leah?“

I turn back, already halfway out the door.

To meet Delilah, of course.

„Yes?“

Anne beckons me closer.

„I have something to tell you,“ my boss says, adjusting her glasses.

„Alright. What is it?“

„I'll be moving to Europe in two months,“ she says, green eyes piercing me.

„Oh. Why...?“

„You know that my husband has been working in London for the last two years. And we thought it would just be temporary, but now they offered him a new contract. He asked me if he should take t. I don't really want him to, but I know he has to.“

She sighs.

„He'll never get such an opportunity again. I can have another salon in London.“

„I understand.“

„It's mostly becaus of my daughter. I don't want her to miss out on her dad.“

I swallow and smile.

I'm never sure if it makes me happy or sad to hear about other people's healthy families. Families with parents supporting each other and moms wanting their children to be around their dads and dads asking moms about what would be best for the family.

„So you'll close the salon?“

„I will, if you don't want to have it.“

I blink at her.

„What?“

She smiles, glint in her eyes.

„If you want it, I'll give it to you.“

I smile uncomfortably.

„I don't have the money, Anne.“

„I'd make you a special price.“

She winks, warm eyes sparkling.

„You've always been my most diligent employee. Working with you was a delight. If you want to have this salon and make it your own, I'll make sure you're able to.“

My mouth is dry.

„I don't know what to say. Thank you, Anne.“

She gives me another one of her kind smiles.

„Just think about it.“

Before I can thank her again, Delilah enters the shop.

For a moment, I can only stare at her. She's wearing a dress – flowy and pink. Her sneakers are white and I briefly think how only she can pull off Doc Marten's and all black one moment and pink princess the next.

„Why, hello there.“

Anne's eyes are gleaming.

„I'm just here to pick up Leah.“

Delilah smiles at me and I can't help but beam right back at her. My heart is beating so much faster than it should.

She's carrying a small backpack.

„You ready?“ she asks.

„Sure.“

I throw Anne one last glance.

„You'll let me know when you made a decision,“ she says and I nod.