Delilah wants to come with me and at first I don't want her to, but then I'm too rushed to argue and so we take a cab to the hospital together.

„It was just a panic attack,“ I tell her and myself.

I need to calm down.

It's not good, but it's not bad. Panic attacks are common. They don't usually kill people.

Everyone can get them.

Still.

„It's room 242,“ the receptionist tells me and I hurry to the lift, Delilah on my heels.

The air in hospitals is always pregnant with disinfectants and the general smell of illness. I'm very used to it, yet I absolutely despise it.

„I'll wait here for you,“ Delilah says as we reach the right floor.

„Yeah, okay.“

She nods at me and I rush to the room, carefully pushing the door open.

Caden is almost swallowed by the white blanket. He seems drowsy, but awake. They probably pumped him full with tranquilizers.

„Hey,“ I say and he blinks at me.

„Hi.“

I sit down on the edge of his bed and reach for his hand. It's large, but the bones seem so fragile. I can feel his veines under the dry skin.

„How are you feeling?“

He blinks.

„Tired.“

I reach up and stroke his hair. It's so soft. It looks like it would be frizzy and dry, but it's so, so soft. I remember countless nights when he was a little boy and I'd pet his hair, waiting for him to fall asleep.

„What happened, Cades?“

He casts his eyes down.

„Panic attack.“

„Yes, they told me. But... was there a trigger? You haven't had one in years.“

He used to, when he hit puberty and our mother hit another low and I was sleeping at my friends' places more often than at home.

„Nothing. It just – I don't know.“

I don't think he's telling me the truth.

„Caden.“

I make my voice stern.

He meets my eyes, calm and defiant.

„It's alright, Leah. I just freaked out. There was no reason.“

„You don't just freak out for no reason.“

„Sometimes you do.“

„Talk to me.“

I run my fingers over his head again.

„I was just out with Alex. I had a drink. It was a mistake.“

My lips press together.

„You're not supposed to be drinking.“

„Yeah, I know.“

„Was that the first time?“

He looks away. I pull my hand back.

„Caden, what the fuck?“

„I'm sorry, okay?“

„That won't fix it. What where you thinking?“

He pushes his head back into the pillow, staring at the ceiling.

„I just wanted to have some fun. Won't happen again.“

„You can't drink. Did you take anything else?“

If I don't watch out, I'll lose it. I'll start screaming at him and there is nothing in the world Caden hates more. He doesn't talk to me for days whenever I do.

„No, of course not.“

We're silent.

I take some deep breaths. This is not the time for a fight.

„They said I can take you home today. Do you want to sleep a little before I do?“

He nods.

„Yeah. They gave me some pills.“

„Okay. I'll be back.“

He nods again and I squeeze his hand. He squeezes back.

Before I go, I press a kiss to his forehead.

„Is he okay?“

Delilah is waiting for me with a cup of coffee in her hand.

„Yes. Isn't it a little late for coffee?“

She shrugs.

„I was anxious.“

I don't point out that coffee isn't the best idea when you're anxious.

„Thanks for waiting,“ I say.

„No problem. I'm just glad he is okay.“

I nod and something in my face must show how shaken I am, because her brows draw together a little bit and she says:

„It'll be fine.“

When she opens her arms and draws me close, I don't even think about it. I rest my chin on her shoulder and close my eyes for a moment.

Delilah doesn't hug half-heartedly. She wraps her arms tightly around me and holds on.

Not many people hug like that.

I almost tear up. I refuse to think about how long it's been someone held me.

„You okay?“ she whispers and I nod, finally detangling myself from her.

„Yeah. It was just a shock.“

„Do you need anything?“ she asks, her dark eyes big and open.

„No, I'm – it's okay. But thank you.“

She smiles at me.

„Anytime.“

When Caden and I get home on Monday morning, he goes straight back to bed.

I try to stay awake, peering into his room every ten minutes, but when I find him sound asleep for the third time, I can't fight my own fatigue anymore and fall into my bed without even undressing.

I wake up to a text from Delilah, asking me if we're okay. I text back quickly and then head to the bathroom. It's five PM when I've showered and made my way into the kitchen.

Caden is sitting on the couch, watching some stupid reality show on our old TV and eating cereal.

„How are you doing?“

He gives me a brief look.

„Fine. You?“

I roll my eyes.

„Fine.“

I sit down next to him, one leg tucked under.

„Do you want to order pizza?“ he asks me, eyes still on the screen.

„Sure. Sound good.“

I lean my head against his shoulder. He puts his almost empty bowl away and drapes one skinny arm around me.

„How are things with Delilah?“ Anne asks me when I come into work the next day.

After waking up at five in the evening on Monday, I naturally couldn't fall asleep until the early morning, so now I'm standing here half-asleep, clinging to a huge cup of coffee.

„There are no things with Delilah.“

Anne peers at me over her glasses. She's wearing red lipstick today.

„Really? So you haven't seen her again?“

I put my cup down and start sifting through my desk.

„I mean, yeah. I have. But not like that.“

„Oh. What a pity.“

It stings how disappointed Anne sounds.

„So you're friends now?“ Brian chimes in, a huge pair of scissors in his right.

„I don't know, Brian. I've only known her for, like, ten days or so.“

„But you're not dating?“

„I don't think so. How would I know?“

I'm not sure I want to talk about Delilah. I'm not sure if I'd rather talk about Caden instead.

He's still hanging out with Alex. I kind of wish he wasn't.

„Sounds crazy, I know, but you could just ask her,“ Brian supplies.

I give him my best death stare.

„Sure. I'll just ask her over coffee, by the way – are you into girls?“

When I say it out loud...

„I mean, yeah. Why not?“

„Because – it's awkward if she isn't. She'll think I'm into her.“

„But aren't you?“ Anne asks.

I look at my favorite razor.

„No, I'm not.“

„Sure,“ Brian mutters under his breath.

„I don't want a relationship. You guys know that.“

„But why not? She seems sweet,“ Anne says.

„You don't know her at all.“

„You could though,“ Brian chimes in and I just shake my head.

„We're done with this conversation.“

The first customer comes in and before Brian tends to him, he walks past me and says: „Just ask her, Leah.“

But Delilah doesn't text me that day. Nor the next.

Caden is gone so much, I start pulling my hair out over his absence, texting him and receiving annoyed replies.

When he wants to go out on a Friday, I say no.

„You're not my mom, Leah,“ Caden hisses and when Caden hisses, things are serious.

I don't care.

„The last time you went out, I had to pick you up from the hospital.“

„Can you just leave it, please?“

He coughs into his hand.

I swallow.

„Bring him over,“ I say.

„What?“

„Just bring Alex over, if you want to see him. We can have dinner together.“

Caden gives me a skeptical look.

I stare right back.

„Okay. Fine. But...“

„But?“

„Be decent, okay?“

I take a small step back.

„What? I'm always decent.“

Caden doesn't say any more to it.

We make a casserole together and when the doorbell rings, Caden is nervous. I can tell by the way he keeps cracking his knuckles.

„Could you please stop that,“ I snarl at him and he shoots me a pissed glance before opening the door.

Alex is nothing like I expected. I think I thought of someone who looks like he used to be a football star. But despite that he does have the body of someone who hits the gym quite a lot, Alex doesn't really resemble a football star.

„So nice to meet you, Leah,“ he says, holding his hand out for me.

He's wearing a pink shirt and tight black jeans, a silver nose ring catching the light. His blue eyes are kind.

„Nice to meet you too.“

I think he's a little older than Caden. Or maybe he just looks like it.

„Thanks for having me,“ he says and Caden keeps shifting his weight, smiling at Alex unsurely.

I look between the two of them.

Did I miss something?

I have to wait until I'm alone with Caden in the kitchen before I can ask.

„Are you dating him?“

Caden's eyes widen.

„Alex and I? No. No, it's not like that. He has a boyfriend.“

I blink.

„But if he didn't, you'd...?“

My brother shakes his head.

„Nah.“

I decide to believe him.

Dinner is more relaxed than I'd anticipated. Alex is a good conversationalist and just generally very nice. Which is good because I'm not.

And still, this is the guy that makes my brother go to parties and drink.

I corner him in the kitchen when Caden is in the bathroom. His eyes are surprised when I block the door.

„Do you have a moment?“

I almost feel bad, I have to admit.

I almost feel bad when Alex leaves hurriedly, giving my brother a fleeting smile.

Maybe I've been too blunt. I did intend to scare him. I could have said it differently. Caden looks between me and him. Then between the closed door and me.

„You didn't,“ he says and I actually flinch at his tone of voice.

„He needs to know.“

„That's – you... that was my fucking decision!“

He's shaking and for one moment, I'm scared.

Then I remember it's Caden.

„You're acting irresponsibly!“ I say.

„You're crazy.“

He's still trembling and his agitation scares me a little.

„Calm down, Cades.“

„I'm not going to fucking calm down! You always sabotage me.“

„Jesus Christ, I didn't sabotage you. I'm helping you!“

„You're not helping, Leah.“

„You need to take care of yourself.“

He stares at me, corners of his mouth pointing downwards.

„For you, that means not leaving the house.“

„No, it means staying away from bad influences.“

„Alex is not a bad influence! He's my friend. And I don't have a lot of those, in case you didn't notice.“

„Just because you miss Adrian doesn't mean you need to hang out with people that aren't good for you.“

„Alex is good for me! I'm happier than I've been in a long time.“

I swallow.

„Well, you can't do the things you're doing with him. No partying. No alcohol and whatever else you're doing. If he wants to be your friend, he needs to adjust.“

„I don't want to keep him from doing the things he likes! And I can be responsible.“

„I don't think you can. If he's your friend, he'll understand.“

Caden gives me a cold look.

„You wouldn't know, would you? Afterall, you don't have friends.“

I open my mouth and close it again. Caden's eyes widen a bit. It's the face he makes when he regrets what he said. Yet he doesn't take it back.

„I'm leaving,“ I say and grab my wallet and keys.

My hands are shaking a little.

„Good,“ he says and stomps to his room, throwing the door shut.