To: Evelyn Olynik

Dear Author,

Thank you for sending your manuscript for our consideration. We read it with interest but I regret we will not be making an offer of publication. We do not feel that Text is the right format for this book.

Thank you for thinking of us, and we wish you every success in finding a publisher for your work.

Yours sincerely,

Elena Antonopoulos

Penguin House Canada

Dear Ms. Olynik,

Thank you for finding me through the Saskatchewan Publishers’ Group and for giving me the opportunity to read a sample of Bukowski and Me. I regret to inform you, however, that I am unable to offer you representation. I am returning your sample pages herewith.

Due to the high volume of submissions I receive, I cannot offer criticism on each author’s work. Normally at this juncture I would recommend seeking out an editor to help you workshop the piece. However, here I must depart from my pre-drafted rejection letter in order to inform you, Ms. Olynik, with all due respect, your memoir is the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life.

The account you have written covers a time span of less than two weeks spent under the guidance of cult leader Jaimie Bukowski. By the way, the name ‘Bukowski’—and you’ve made it clear it’s the same as that of the author—is not spelled with a ‘y’. Most of your book seems to be less an account of his philosophy and tutelage and more a sickeningly lush description of his appearance and his faultless character, and a list of the things you would be willing to do in order to please him, though it is unclear if any of these things ever actually happened, and I hope, for his sake, and for your sake, and for the sake of all the readers you will never have, they did not.

At one point you describe your leader in terms of a father figure; three paragraphs later you inform readers of the “erotic lustre of his gaze directed upon me.” It is not only poorly written, it is deeply disturbing.

It is also unclear, throughout the entire six hundred pages you sent us (which you somehow wrote in the course of one month, during and directly following your experience with this Bukowski character—I have to give it to you, that’s impressive) whether he is actually there of his own accord. You speak of “keeping him with us” in a way that leads a reader to suspect it is not just your diligent worship inspiring him to lead you. Should I be concerned? Does this merit police involvement?

So many questions. Who is the guitar player you mention only once or twice in the entire book? Are she and Bukowski a couple? As for the siblings, I don’t even know where to begin. The twin, whom you’ve made out to be a deceptive, snake-like non-believer—why is he there? I assumed he was a metaphor until at least 300 pages in.

Then there’s the trans kid, who is actually the only part of the story that engaged my sympathy at all, who hooks up with a boy you at first describe as “almost like a son,” and then we don’t hear anything about either of them till page 491 when you’re criticizing the kid’s painting skills at some kind of sketchy festival happening in a field. Honestly, these are highly unlikely characters and I’m not convinced you didn’t make them all up entirely.

The truth is that your writing is woefully bad. In fact, a letter politely declining your book is not sufficient; in this situation I feel obligated to tell you to cease and desist. I hope you take these words to heart and think seriously about how much time you want to spend pursuing this craft further. I sincerely hope the answer is ‘none.’

Now, to default back to my stock rejection email: I wish you every success with Bukowski and Me. Thanks again for giving me the chance to read your work.

With best wishes.

Yours sincerely,

Geraldine Grey

Literary Agent, Saskatchewan Publishers’ Group

Ms. Olynik,

Thank you for submitting your manuscript to UTP. We are unable to publish your book at this time. However, we have met with our associate at Netflix Canada, believing it might interest them. We are happy to inform you that they have decided to schedule a documentary version of your story among next year’s productions, most of which are filmed here in Toronto. They have projected a release date in early 2021, provided they receive your consent. Please expect them to be in touch regarding legalities and to schedule interviews with a documentary crew at their studios in the coming months.

Best,

Arnold Stoker

University of Toronto Press