Becoming a Bearmon Trainer

I woke up at three in the afternoon, nursing a sick hangover. I’d rolled off my rinky-dinky twin bed pressed up against the wall in my too-small dorm room, intent on puking my guts out in the nearest bathroom as fast as I could when I saw it.

The card.

Name: Ronald Jackson ID No.: 392468

Ursapedia: 0 Claws: 0

Monies: 0 Acts: 0

Bear Paws: 0 SIB: 0

I freaked out a little because a) I didn’t remember signing up for anything, b) someone was in my dorm room without my consent, and c) what the hell was a Bearmon? Forget about the toilet, I had bigger problems to worry about!

Actually, no, I’ll figure this out after I’m back from the bathroom.

Bathroom needs have been taken care of. Now to figure out this card. When did it get here? While I was still passed out drunk, obviously. I’m not normally observant, but I’m pretty sure I’d notice something like this on my desk.

Probably.

Anyway, whatever this thing was, it caught me lacking and I wasn’t okay with that. My monies were looking a little low but I was certain I still had some cash on me.

I just needed to find my wallet. Where is my wallet? Oh, that’s just great.

Ruffling through my desk dwarves revealed nothing but my dwindling school supplies and a pack of P*kéballs. Looking through the jackets in my closet: nada. I shoveled clothes into my overburdened hamper and shot threes into my garbage can only to find a tiny panda the size of a golden retriever lazily chewing my wallet under the bed. We made eye contact and it just nodded at me, slowly.

“You,” I said carefully, “are destroying my property.”

It grunted. “Pan-” cue loud panda yawn “-do.”

“Oh, great,” I sighed. “I’m in some bootleg P*kémon story. Everything makes sense now.”

I pointed my finger at the Pando. “You stay right there, got it?”

It only grunted again, ripping into my poor wallet. Ignoring the pain that came with the loss of expensive accessories, I got to my feet and walked a couple of steps to my desk. Opening the second drawer on the left, I retrieved a brown and white P*kéball which probably had a different bear themed name but I didn’t know it, so I didn’t care. I then grabbed the broom tucked away in my jacket closet and spun to find the tiny Pando relaxing on my bookshelf, staring at me with half-lidded eyes. My destroyed wallet had been discarded, left forgotten on my bed.

“I-wha-how did you get up there?”

It yawned. “Pando.”

Gritting my teeth, I shoved my P*kéball - on second thought, calling them P*kéballs sounds too much like a risk and saying Bearballs makes me sound like a furry. How about capture balls? No, that sounds weird, too. Prison spheres? Nah, that’d get me arrested for animal cruelty. Trappers on the other hand…

Ahem.

Gritting my teeth, I shoved my trapper into my jean pockets - because of course, I slept in them - and brandished my broom. Mustering up the deepest war cry I could manage, I swung the broom down on the lazy Pando.

The friggin’ thing caught the far end of the broom, giving me a ‘Really?’ look as it shoved the broom away.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I complained. “Where’s my starter P*kémon that’s supposed to fight these battles for me?”

“Pando,” it said with a shrug.

I swung the broom again only for the stupid thing to deflect it. I kept trying in vain three more times until, finally, the Pando got fed up and launched itself up off the shelf. It was probably gonna try and do an epic kung fu move or something, but it smacked its head on the low ceiling and dropped to the ground, dazed.

“That was easy,” I muttered, clicking open my trapper and tossing it at the still Pando.

I watched with mild enthusiasm as the Pando turned into white and black mist and flew into the trapper. I moved to pick it up when a screen flashed into existence right in front of my face. I’m not ashamed to say I screamed like a little girl; the thing came out of nowhere!

[You have successfully captured the Legendary Bearmon: Pando!

For capturing your first ever Bearmon, you’ve received x30 Monies!

For capturing a Bearmon without the assistance of another Bearmon, you have gained the Act: ‘All By Myself’! You’ve received x20 Monies!

Your SIB score has gone up by 420 points!]

“Huh,” I mumbled. I heard a quiet vibration coming from my desk: it was the card. I pocketed the trapper and picked up my trainer card. As I expected, the numbers had changed.

Name: Ronald Jackson ID No.: 392468

Ursapedia: 1 Claw: 0

Monies: 50 Acts: 1

Bear Paws: 0 SIB: 420

“That’s...nice, I guess, even if I have no idea what any of this stuff means. Isn’t there a help button somewhere?”

I flinched back as a screen popped into place. “Never gonna get used to that,” I grunted.

[Help Screen

What’s a Ursapedia?

What’s the difference between Monies and Bear Paws?

What is a SIB score?

How can I get Claws?

How to use a Hibernation Ball.

Why am I seeing any of this?]

My eyes fell on the last question. “Ain’t that a doozy,” I said, jabbing my finger at the screen. “I’d like to know what alien shoved a probe up my butt and gave me this!”

[Help: Why am I seeing any of this?

You are seeing these screens because you were chosen to be a Bearmon trainer!]

“That’s not helpful at all…” Sighing, I moved on to the first option. This time, I was prepared for the screen to jump at me and I hardly even blinked.

[Help: What is an Ursapedia?

An Ursapedia is your Bearmon wiki. It catalogs any Bearmon you’ve captured or encountered in battle. Say, ‘Ursapedia-[Bearmon Name]’ to see yours!]

“That’s better. Ursapedia, Pando.”

[Ursapedia: Pando

Pando is a Legendary Bearmon. Not much is known about it due to its extreme rarity, aside from its resemblance to panda bears.

Body: Weight (N/A); Height (N/A)

Identity: Type (N/A); Species (Panda Bearmon); Evolutions (N/A); Abilities (N/A)]

“So no one knows jack squat about the P-no, Bearmon in my pocket?” I griped, waving away the screen. “That’s just great. At least it’s powerful.”

Or, at least, it should be. Its performance earlier didn’t give me high hopes. On to the next questions so I can get these status screens out of the way…

[{Help: What’s the difference between Monies and Bear Paws?

Monies are the regular currency you get for doing pretty much anything. You can buy generic supplies and pay for Bearmon healing with them. However, you can only receive Bear Paws after defeating Trainers in battle facilities and contests. Bear Paws can be used to teach moves to your Bearmon or buy special items.}

{Help: What is a SIB score?

First off, SIB stands for Strength-in Battle. It is determined by the total BSTs (Base stat totals) of all the Trainer's Bearmon. A high SIB score will give you a higher rank in the monthly leaderboards!}

{Help: How can I get Claws?

Trainers receive Claws after defeating Mama Bears in their Caves. The more Claws you have, the higher your Trainer Prestige.}

{Help: How to use a Hibernation Ball.

Hibernation balls are used to capture Bearmons. You must first completely exhaust the Bearmon and then hit it with your hibernation ball. To release your Beamon from the hibernation ball, throw it and say, “Paws out, [Bearmon Name]!” To retrieve your Bearmon, say, “[Bearmon Name], return!”}]

The knowledge received, I made the screens disappear and took out my trapper - hibernation ball was a stupid name.

“This really is bootleg P*kemon.” Rolling my eyes, I tossed the trapper into the air and said, “Paws out, Pando.”

The trapper clicked open, releasing the mist that solidified into Pando’s chubby, black and white form. It flopped onto the floor unceremoniously, yawning loudly.

“You are the laziest thing ever,” I told it.

It gazed at me drowsily. “Pan…”

“You wanna go back to the trapper, don’t you?”

“Paaaando,” it murmured, closing its eyes.

With another heavily exaggerated eye roll, I returned Pando to his ball, grabbed my Trainer card, and opened my door to find a short and fat dude panting in the hallway. He was bent over and gasping, curly red hair plastered to his forehead as sweat dripped down his neck chins.

“You, uh, you good, bro?”

He held up one chubby finger as he took deep breaths. “I, Archibald,” he gasped, “have come to challenge-” another gasp “-you to a duel!”

[Trainer Gaylord Archibald Smith-Perrywinkle has challenged you, Trainer Ronald Jackson, to a Bearmon Duel! Will you accept it?

Yes | No ]

“Gaylord?”

“It’s Archibald!” the hefty ginger snapped. “You will acknowledge me as Archibald.”

“Sure.”

“So? What are you waiting for? Accept the duel!”

“Eh, fine,” I muttered, pressing yes. “I wanted to test Pando out anyway.”

Archibald’s eyes bulged out of his tiny head. “You have a Pando?!”

“Uh, yeah, that’s what I just said.”

“Those are super rare!”

“Sure.”

“How’d you find it?”

“Was under my bed. Now, are we gonna do this thing or not?”

“What? Oh, uh, yeah.” He jabbed his finger in the air, likely accepting his own duel screen.

[Teleporting to Duel Realm in 3...2...1!}

Wait, what?